Chapter 13 Painful Smiles
"Sammy," Dean whispers in despair as he realizes that Sam is about to break completely. "Sam it wasn't your fault, it was his!" he says angrily but he isn't getting through to the other boy. Dean can feel his heart racing, waiting for Sam to make a move. His brother just looks at him for a moment then his eyes turn hard and he breaks away. Taken aback, Dean can only watch as Sam moves a few paces away from him.
This, Dean can deal with. The Sam who needs him, but doesn't want him. He walks towards the boy carefully, saying his name to alert him to his presence. "Dean, don't," Sam warns, but Dean continues anyway. When he's no more than a few inches from Sam, Dean grabs him. He holds on as Sam struggles in his grasp. Sam needs this, Dean knows. The comfort that he always feels foolish for asking, now Dean's giving it willingly.
"Dean let me go!" Sam demands as he bucks and tries to get away but his body just isn't into an escape. He can feel the sobs form in his throat and fill the silence, and he can feel those despicable tears as they run down his flushed cheeks. He hates this, this emotion that he has no power over. Dean holds onto him throughout it all and then Sam's falling. He hits the ground easily, with Dean catching him halfway. "Dean…" and it's all he can say now. He's said enough as it is. He turns towards his brother now, face buried in Dean's chest, arms around Dean, holding on for dear life. He wants this, but never asks for it. It's not the Winchester way after all, do what you do and shut up about it. This, this crying and holding and comforting, was never in the manual.
But now, now with Dean whispering words of comfort and rubbing his back and rocking slightly, Sam forgets why they don't do this.
He feels it, all of it. All the pain and anger and fear of the situation rises to the surface and the pressure of all that emotion has done this. He couldn't stop crying if he wanted to, and the sobs only seemed to grow in intensity as time passed on. His throat constricted and ached as he cried, but still he couldn't find a reason to stop. "Shhh," Dean soothed, but Sam can't. Something broke inside and now all the pent up emotion is running free.
Dean doesn't try to stop him, doesn't try to tell him that everything will be alright because in truth, he doesn't know if it will be. He wishes that he had the answers that Sammy needs, but he can't even find them for himself. He doesn't know why this happened, but he was sure it was an accident, he is sure that this was never in the cards for Sammy. The thought makes him clutch at Sam harder, pulling his younger brother flush against his own body. He can feel the fabric covering his shoulder dampen with Sam's tears and suddenly his own cheeks are wet with salty water. "I'm here Sammy, I'm right here," he promises and runs a sure hand through Sam's hair, smoothing and stroking, anything to offer the other boy comfort.
"Dean, I can't," Sammy says after a while and whatever it is he can't do makes him cry even harder. Dean can feel his eyebrows furrow in confusion as he pulls back to look at Sam. "You can't what?" he asks in a voice much gentler than he's used to using. Sam sniffles and his shoulders shake as he looks at Dean. "I can't do this…I don't want it to be like this," he says and covers his face after he does, trying to hide the pain so obviously displayed there. Dean can feel his chest tighten in fear as he contemplates the possible meanings behind that statement. "Sam, I know it's hard but," he pulls Sam's hands away from his face and grabs his brother's chin, making sure Sam's looking him in the eye, "we will get through this. I am gonna get you through this."
Sam swallows and jerks his chin away, blinking rapidly as he glares at a spot on the floor. Not the reaction Dean expected. "Hey," he says loudly, louder and harsher than he intended but Sam's throwing him off a little bit. When his brother looks at him again his eyes are guarded and narrowed. Dean doesn't know where this is coming from, and his next words only served to startle them both. "Sam, if you don't want me to help you, than just say so."
The younger brother sat stunned for almost a full minute, lending evidence to Dean that maybe he wasn't as needed as he thought. He took the other boy's silence for agreement and decided that he didn't want to be rejected this way. "Fine, all you had to do was say so," Dean says and gets up to move towards the door. His hand reaches for the doorknob when he hears Sammy yell his name.
Sam can't contemplate much after what Dean had just said. He never thought that maybe Dean didn't want to have to deal with him anymore. It never even crossed his mind that Dean didn't actually care either way whether he helped Sam through this or not. But when Dean says fine and heads towards the door it's like a switch is thrown and he's shoved back into reality again.
"Dean! Wait!" he yells and is up off the floor before he knows what he's doing. Dean turns just in time to see Sam coming at him. He falters for a moment, not so sure that Dean would want to help now, but the look on his brother's face tells all. It's that 'I knew you would come to your senses, I was never gonna leave' look, the one that Sam hates with a passion.
"Dean, I…I'm sorry. I do want you with me, helping. I just…" but he can't finish as his throat seems to close and he can feel that damn sting enter his eyes. God damn why he can't stop crying is beyond him. He hates himself for this display of weakness but that's all he feels now. Weak.
Dean moves quickly, putting a hand on Sammy's shoulder and squeezing affectionately before pulling the boy to him. The night has been one great big chick flick moment but he doesn't mind at all, not when it's this serious. He sighs when he feels Sam start to shake in the embrace and decides to lead him over to sit on the bed. Sam doesn't seem to eager to let go so Dean thinks some reassurance is in order. "Sam, I'm not going anywhere, but…you gotta let me in pal," he say gently as he sits Sam down on the bed.
"I know, and…I don't know. I just can't think about it right now and I try not to but it all comes back so quickly," Sam despairs as he rubs a shaking hand over his eyes. Dean nods then heads to the bathroom, he knows the signs of a headache when he sees them. "Dean?" Sam cries out when he looks up and Dean's gone. He knows he's never felt so pathetic in his entire life but the terror doesn't allow him to care. He never imagined himself this needy but the thought of Dean leaving him is just an unacceptable possibility. Dean comes out a moment later looking alarmed, "Sammy? You ok?" he asks as he walks around the bed and kneels down in front of Sam.
Sam nods slowly, then looks towards the door, "I thought you might have…" he doesn't want to finish as he recalls Dean's words that were promised not seconds ago I'm not going anywhere. Dean nods again and claps him on the shoulder. "Here, take these," he says as he pushes asprin into Sam's still shaking hand. Sam wallows them dry then moves to lie down on the bed. He hates this wide array of emotions that seem to be attacking him all at once. He wants to cry and yell and scream and he's too tired to do any of them now.
Dean moves to lay down next to him, a simple reassurance of his earlier promise. He watches Sam for a moment the turns his attention towards the ceiling. Life had seemed so simple not two days ago. School, hunting, Sam, it was a routine they had down nicely. It was their lives, but now.
"When's dad getting back?" Sam asked as he continued to rub his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his noise trying anything to offer relief from the pounding in his temples. "Soon, probably," Dean aid lightly as he counted the spots on the stucco roof. Life was never simple for a Winchester. The unfairness of the situation hit him hard again and he looked to his side to see Sam close his eyes. "Just relax dude, it'll go away," Dean said as he turned his head and closed his own eyes.
"No Dean, I don't think it will."
Somehow Dean knew Sam wasn't talking about a headache.
Hey guys, so so so sorry for the long wait, but here it is! I hope you're liking it and I hope you keep on reading as there is more angst to come! Don't worry, the next chap will be up much sooner. So, if you like where it's going tell me and if you don't, give me suggestions, I love hearing from you, and you've all been so great with the encouragment! Thanks again, and I hope you're liking it!