What. The. Fuck. There is really no other appropriate reaction to the sight in front of me. How the hell did this happen?

Two hours ago we were in Shepard's apartment after finding Kahn dead, with me mourning the loss of my evening with Lola. I sighed. I really needed to let go of this whole thing with dessert.

Or perhaps not.

Shepard came walking out of the far room after checking on Liara and gave me a coy smile, one that was instantly mirrored on my face. Perhaps I wasn't the only one that was thinking we could sneak away for half an hour to get changed. When she winked at me I knew I wasn't alone.

"Careful, Commander," I told her as she approached, "a girl takes a guy out on a hot date..." She moved close enough to kiss, close enough that I could feel her body's warmth through our clothes. "He starts getting ideas," I finished in a gravely voice.

She leaned in so she could whisper in my ear. "All of them within Alliance regulations, of course?"

Her warm breath made me shiver. "Not a one." I grabbed her hand and took two steps towards the stairs.

"Commander?" called Brooks. "We're just about ready in here."

Damn that woman.

Lola shrugged regretfully. "I guess it's just not our night." She moved off to see what Brooks and EDI had found. I sighed and followed after her, pulling at the collar of my tux.

When we found Kahn his drive was wiped, either by the killer or himself before he died. Doesn't really matter which one did it, point is we lost them. Or at least whoever wiped them thought so. I guess they didn't realize we have an AI on our side. EDI can recover just about anything. So we pulled them and brought them back with us to the apartment. It seemed they had finally found something, although I really wish they had waited another half hour.

We gathered around the table to listen to Brooks tell us about the mercs buying a lot of weapons from Kahn. Including the very desirable and equally pricey mechs.

"Why do the bad guys get all the good stuff?" grumbled Garrus. Lola shot him a look and he shrugged. "I've always wanted one."

She rolled her eyes. "Somehow I doubt it's in our budget."

We didn't get any farther than that. Glyph popped up and informed us Shepard's codes were in use right now, at the Citadel Archives. The place where the Council keeps all their sensitive historical information. It was the best lead we had and we sprang into action instantly.

Wrex, Lola, and I were on point(hell yeah!) and she split everyone else into two teams and brought them with us. We've never all been out on the same mission before, so to say we were pumped on the ride over was a massive understatement. The best in the galaxy, double checking weapons and armor, prepping to go kick some ass together.

I blew a hole in the ceiling of the archives beneath us and we dropped in and split up. The three of us cut through the center while teams Mako and Hammerhead came in on either side from above. No sooner had we reached the first room than the mercs were on us. I chuckled as I pulled out my shotgun. I was not worried.

Not only did you have the unstoppable bad ass team of Wrex, Lola, and me(all in armor this time) but we had the legends of the galaxy at our backs. Judging by the easy banter everyone was throwing out, they weren't worried either. Though judging by the panicked cries of the mercs, they were.

"I'm hit!" screamed Brooks.

If I had time I would've been rolling my eyes. Of course she was. "Stay down!" I yelled up to her. Her response was another scream.

"That's enough!" yelled a voice from above us. An all too familiar voice. I looked up to see a shadowy figure holding Brooks hostage, a gun to her head. "Drop your weapons or this won't end well for her."

I was tempted to say Fuck it and keep fighting(not my proudest moment) but I laid down my weapon next to Lola's. After the entire crew was disarmed the figure shoved Brooks away and leaped off the upper balcony to the ground in front of us. Then they stepped out of the shadows.

What. The. Fuck.

An exact copy of Lola smirks at us. "I would've just let her die."

And suddenly, with that cruel twist to her lips and uncharacteristic words, this thing in front of us looks nothing like my Lola. Her eyes are cruel, not lively like Shepard's. The lines around her mouth are from frowning, not from Lola's easy smile. And where's the small white scar on her cheek she got from sparring with Scars? Or the one above her lip from Tuchanka? I scoff in my head. There's no way anyone would believe this is Shepard.

"Who the hell are you?" asks Lola, coming toe to toe with the impostor.

The fake doesn't look impressed. "You weren't the only one Cerberus brought back to life, but at least one of us will finally do something with it."

I will admit it's disconcerting hearing it speaking with her voice.

"A clone," says Wrex, minutely changing his stance to be ready for battle.

Her eyes flick to him and then back to Shepard. "Cerberus spared no expense resurrecting you. Me they kept around for spare parts."

Ouch. That's gotta suck. Still, it's no reason to go psycho on the real Shepard.

"I don't care who you claim to be," says Lola. "The position of Commander Shepard has already been filled."

"By the wrong woman," says the clone, not missing a beat. "It's time the understudy had her day."

"Did the Illusive Man send you?" asks Shepard, keeping her cool. I mean, I know she's used to weird but this has got to make her top five.

The clone laughs. "Hardly. He forgot about me the moment he had what he needed. You."

"Then why the fuck are you trying to kill us?" I exclaimed. If I ever discovered there were two of me I'd at least take the other guy drinking before trying to kill him.

"Because I don't have her memories," she says, pacing for the sake of moving. "I'd never fool my supposed friends. The ones who abandoned their duty to follow the cult of Shepard."

I honestly can't hold back my laughter. "Memories or no, you'd never fool anyone that's ever met her."

That seems to catch her attention. She focuses solely on me, dropping her voice to a tone that drives me crazy with Lola but makes me shudder with her. "Are you sure about that?" She takes a step towards me and runs her fingers up my arm. "I could be everything to you, James. I'm just like her, only better. I won't even play hard to get."

I pull my arm away and give her an incredulous look, shaking my head. "You really are ten shades of crazy, you know that?"

She glares at me and steps back. "What do you know, Jimmy? You're just a farm boy who lost his pitchfork."

I raise an eyebrow. She's going to have to try harder than that if she wants to insult me. "And you're just a pale imitation of the real thing," I tell her in an even tone.

"I am the real thing," she snarls, "perfected! I'm her without all the wear and tear." She turns back to Lola. "Without all the emotional baggage holding you back."

Wrex scoffs. "No one will believe you're Shepard."

"They will once I'm flying her ship," responds the fake.

Lola immediately sends the emergency codes to Traynor, telling her to lock down the ship. Which would be a great idea, if not for the clone blocking the signal. She puts her own call through, uses Shepard's codes, and has the Normandy prepped for flight. This is not good.

But then again, neither is pissing off Shepard. The look on her face is reserved for enemies the split second before she tears them apart. "Never thought I'd say this, but I'm looking forward to killing myself."

The clone doesn't look scared. Which is stupid. She really should be. "Execute them all," she says, headed for the door. "The cult of Shepard ends today."

Another bad move. You'd think by now the bad guys would've learned to stop underestimating Shepard. The door hasn't even fully closed behind her before Lola's retrieved her gun and shot down the mass relay model handing from the ceiling, killing the mercs beneath it. Half a second later the shots from the balcony resume, along with the trash talk.

"On high ground with a sniper rifle," muses Garrus, taking down a merc in one shot, "it doesn't get any better than this."

"It's like a party!" chimes in Ashley. "With bullets!"

I use Carnage to take down a merc's shields and laugh. "One big ass-kicking family!"

The room is clear in minutes and I do a quick scan. "We're clear. Now where'd the... other you go?"

"She's pushing farther into the archives," says Lola, popping the heat sink on her rifle, "and so are we."

Damn my girl is hot.