Sorry this took so long! I have an announcement to make: After several people commented that they'd like to see Christine make an appearance, I started brainstorming how to work her in somehow, and I've got it figured out now! You should see her in the next few chapters!
Enjoy!
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, Erik, how did your date go?
ERIK: You mean coffee with that young lady from the skating rink? It went rather well, I think. We talked a bit, and she was very charming indeed. She feels quite the same way I do about music, she's very well-read, she has a brilliant sense of humor, and she writes the most enchanting poetry.
DR. LOVEJOY: Are you going to meet her again?
ERIK: Not for coffee. She had one too many espressos and started behaving very strangely. She said it happens all the time.
DR. LOVEJOY: Mm-hm. Well, I think we can make use of our time today by discussing some things to keep in mind while on the dating scene. Dating tactics, if you will.
ERIK: Great. Let's hear it.
DR. LOVEJOY: You seem to have problems properly expressing your emotions. I'm not talking about your anger, here, understand that. But…when you notice you have fond feelings for someone, there's a very, very fine line between telling her how you feel and, let's say, wreaking havoc until all hell breaks loose.
ERIK: Is this about the chandelier?
DR. LOVEJOY: Not this time, no.
ERIK: Ah. Then by all means, proceed.
DR. LOVEJOY: Most women will be a little put off if you come on too strong, so remember to take things slow. It's going to seem odd if you take a girl out once or twice, then put a mannequin that looks like her in a wedding gown.
ERIK: No one's ever going to let me live that down, are they?
DR. LOVEJOY: It's not likely. Things have changed since all that went down at the Opera House, and there are not such strict limits on dating, so if you happen to meet someone who's dating someone other than you at the same time, you can't just fly into a jealous rage. Are we clear on that?
ERIK: More than one man at once? What the heck? Do many women do that?
DR. LOVEJOY: Not all of them, but some do. They call it keeping their options open.
ERIK: Well, that's a crock.
DR. LOVEJOY: It's the modern age, dude.
ERIK: I don't have to learn how to talk like that, do I? All that ridiculous vernacular and words like "dude" and "chick" and "badonkadonk?"
DR. LOVEJOY: Where in the hell did you learn that word?
ERIK: I was channel surfing and came across this music station…it's a long story.
DR. LOVEJOY: Okay…You don't have to learn that kind of language, since people are impressed with your smarts anyhow. Just be yourself, only tone down the crazy.
ERIK: Do you think they'll be impressed with my Harley?
DR. LOVEJOY: What Harley?
ERIK: I bought a 2012 Harley-Davidson FLD Dyna Switchback. Doc, this thing is effing awesome! It's black, it's got a 62-inch wheel base, it gets forty-two miles to the gallon—
DR. LOVEJOY: When did you buy a Harley?
ERIK: A few days ago. I thought about taking a road trip for a few weeks. It's parked outside; do you want to see it?
DR. LOVEJOY: Uh, maybe later. What inspired you to buy it in the first place?
ERIK: Well, I figured I needed to give myself a new image if I'm going to start dating. There are only so many places you can go in a gondola.
DR. LOVEJOY: Right. And there's a slight concern about that lasso of yours. It's great to think about personal protection devices and girls will like that you're taking self-defense into consideration, but the lasso is just a little…extreme.
ERIK: So should I get a new weapon?
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, not a weapon, exactly—
ERIK: Will a garrote work? Those things are vicious, doc!
DR. LOVEJOY: That's not quite what I had in mind—
ERIK: I've noticed people carrying jackknives a lot, how's that?
DR. LOVEJOY: No, I was thinking—
ERIK: Or should I just start carrying my staff? It shoots fireballs!
DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, Erik, I wasn't thinking about weapons at all. You've already got some mean, stealthy, ninja-warrior skills, so I thought you'd do great learning some martial arts. And it'll really impress the ladies.
ERIK: Do you think it'll impress them if I learn how to actually rip a guy's throat out? I've seen that done in movies, and it seems like a totally bad ass move.
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: No?
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: *facepalm*
DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, that's the kind of behavior that landed you in therapy in the first place.
ERIK: Buzzkill. So, I can't have a lasso, a garrote, a knife, or a staff, and I can't rip anyone's throat out…Damn, doc! You're taking all the fun out of this! What am I supposed to do now?
DR. LOVEJOY: Well, if you're so concerned about self-defense, people do keep guard dogs—
ERIK: Bucky!
DR. LOVEJOY: What about him?
ERIK: It's all about the element of surprise! No one in their right mind expects an attack ferret!
DR. LOVEJOY: …
ERIK: The keywords here being "right mind?"
DR. LOVEJOY: Yeah. So, back to dating. There are some rules that have changed. Some women like it when you hold the door open for them or pull out their chairs for them, and some will scratch your eyes out if you try it.
ERIK: Why? It's polite.
DR. LOVEJOY: Some people think it's sexist. You'll never know until you actually try it.
ERIK: So I'm just supposed to take my chances? I'd quite like my eyes to stay inside my head, thank you very much!
DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, dating is all about taking chances, getting to know people—
ERIK: Sure, but I don't see how risking life and limb for a social life is worth it!
DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Erik, this is all about getting rid of the phangirls and getting over Christine, remember? Do I need to remind you of the skating rink?
ERIK: No, but…All this is scaring the hell out of me, doc! I don't do so well with people!
DR. LOVEJOY: You did well with that girl at the skating rink.
ERIK: Well, that is true…And she did seem to like me…
DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I know you're prone to obsessions, but please don't go abducting this girl. I saved your ass after Don Juan Triumphant, but if you do something stupid, the judge would have you in a straightjacket faster than you can say "holy Punjab lassos."
ERIK: Now, why does everyone assume that I habitually develop fixations on young women, kidnap them, and build shrines to them in my lair?
DR. LOVEJOY: …Let's just say better safe than sorry.
You know the drill...honk if you liked it!