I'm baaaaack! Did you miss me? I missed you! I want to send huge thanks to all of you wonderful people who donated to the Fandom 4 Oklahoma cause. I hope you like my story and those of you who weren't able to donate don't worry, all contributing authors are eligible to post their donated stories after Sept. 1st.
My beta is the wonderful Mullet86 and she's truly the wind beneath my wings.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or its characters. I do however own this plot and a half eaten bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos.
Reflections
Chapter 13
"And another strike out for Saunders. I don't know about you folks, but I'm sure glad to have him here in Seattle. Folks, don't forget to check your seat numbers for the seventh inning race around the bases. First prize is a free one hundred dollar voucher at the team store with vouchers for the food court for second and third place." The announcer's voice rang out through the park as the teams changed positions for the top of the fifth inning.
So far the game had been great, the Mariners were tied with the Minnesota Twins in the fifth inning. There were tons of foul balls as the Twins attempted to hit Saunders fast ball, but so far we'd all been unsuccessful at catching any of them.
A fact that was really beginning to upset Emmett.
"Damn it!" He exclaimed, throwing his baseball glove down on the concrete as another foul ball was stopped from reaching us by the giant cargo like net draped in front of our seats.
"Emmett Michael Cullen!" Jasper, Edward and I all giggled as Esme leaned forward and called down the aisle to chastise her eldest son.
"Sorry, mom." Emmett huffed before flopping back into his seat.
"Dude, you got three named." Jasper teased, throwing an elbow into the grumpy boy's ribs.
Emmett glared and pushed Jasper's arm off of him. "What the hell", he lowered his voice so his mother couldn't hear him. "is the point of having these awesome seats if we can't catch a ball?" He pointed angrily at the offensive net.
"It's not like you'd have a chance at catching one anyway." Edward taunted.
"And why is that?" Emmett's normally cheerful voice was uncharacteristically angry, although lately I'd been hearing this tone more and more when he spoke to his brother.
Edward held up his glove and said simply, "Because I'm here." His tone of voice was even and controlled, but the look on his face was clearly challenging. He'd found something that he was better at than his big brother and he took every opportunity to remind him of that fact.
"Whatever, dude," Emmett quickly dismissed Edward's taunt and turned his attention to Jasper. "Let's blow this pop stand and go check out the food vendors and maybe find a few cute baseball groupies we can spend some time with." Emmett's eye brows moved suggestively. Jasper nodded in agreement and both boys moved to get out of their seats.
Ever observant, Aunt Janet called out to the boys as they attempted their escape. "Whoa, where are you two going?" All of the adults turned their attention to Emmett and Jasper, whose forward motion was halted in front of Edward and me.
"We're going to go get something to eat." Jasper answered swiftly and prodded Emmett with a swift elbow to the ribs to hurry along. They take one more step before Esme stops them.
"Just order something from the club house. I don't think you need to be out wandering around." Aunt Janet nodded in agreement as both boys groaned in frustration.
Edward and I watched in silence as the boys and their mothers attempt to explain their positions to each other. Jasper and Emmett's bodies blocked our view of the game, so we really had no choice but to watch the show going on in front of us.
Finally the boys switched tactics.
"Dad, c'mon, can we go?" Emmett whined. Both Uncle Mark and Dr. Cullen were now stuck between their wives and their sons. Both knew that regardless of what side they choose, they'd have someone angry at them.
"Janet, what does it matter if they eat at the clubhouse or at the food court?" Uncle Mark asked quickly, before turning his attention back to the game, where short stop Brendan Ryan had just slammed a double to right field. The crowd erupted as the Mariners pulled ahead of the Twins, four to three.
"I don't see why…" Aunt Janet kept talking but no one listened as another crack of the bat sounded and the crowd roared in approval. Edward, Jasper, Emmett and I jockeyed for position as we all tried to see what had happened. I pushed Emmett away from me who then blocked Edward's view. He pushed both Emmett and Jasper, who then pushed each other until once again the dads were forced to step in.
"That's it!" Dr. Cullen exclaimed, pushing Jasper off his newly flattened left foot. "Boys, you have one hour to get up, walk around, get yourselves something to eat and then get your butts back into your seats." Without waiting for the arguments of their mothers, the boys rushed out of the aisle and scampered up the stairs, leaving Edward and I alone.
Well, alone as you can get in a crowd of forty thousand people.
After his earlier comment about my hair, Edward and I had settled into a companionable silence. We'd cheered when appropriate and yelled at the umps when we decided an unfair call had occurred against our team, with the comic duo of Emmett and Jasper filling in the silence.
However now, it was just the two of us.
"You didn't want to go with them?" I offhandedly asked, honestly wondering why he hadn't gone with the other two boys.
"Naw, I'll wait until you're ready to eat." Edward shrugged and stretched his legs out, taking up a bit of Emmett's empty space. When did his legs get so long?
He wanted to wait for me? "What if I don't want to eat anything?" Okay, so that was never going to happen but I wanted to hear what he'd say.
"Then eventually I'll go but not until you're sure you won't go with me." Edward continued to stare out onto the field, while I was left to stare at him.
Did he mean what he'd said? He'd wait for me? Was that his way of apologizing for leaving me at the playground? Or did he simply mean that he wanted company when he finally decided he was hungry or maybe he just didn't want to go with Emmett?
Groaning, I put my aching head into my hands and gently began massaging my temples.
When did I start over analyzing everything he said? And why couldn't I stop?
"What are you thinking so hard about?" Edward nudged my side with his elbow. I peeked at him through my hands, half expecting him to be laughing at me. I'd be laughing at me if my head didn't hurt so badly.
Edward's face was completely devoid of humor. There was a wrinkled 'V' between his eyes, just over his nose. I knew from experience that Edward's face did that when he was serious. He stared at me intently, waiting for me to come to some kind of realization.
About what I wasn't sure. These days I always seemed to be a step behind him.
The last couple of days without him had been awful and I was due to go home in a week. Edward's emails and calls were the only things that got me through the school year. Since I knew that I couldn't spend the next nine months without speaking to him, I decided to do as my aunt suggested I do days ago; I was going to ask him what he meant.
I took a deep breath, rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans and went for broke. "Edward, why did you leave me at the playground and go with those other girls?" Whoops. That's not what I'd meant to ask. I could tell from the widening of his eyes, that he hadn't been expecting that question either.
His silent stare unnerved me. I looked away and began to fiddle with my discarded game program, looking anywhere in the stadium but my mute friend.
The deafening cheers and the bustling of the crowd enjoying the game were lost to me as I waited anxiously for Edward to answer.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as Saunders took the mound, signaling the top of the seventh inning. Our conversation, which had started at my insistence at not wanting anything to eat was proving to be moot as my stomach began to grumble. I wondered briefly if I were to leave and get a pretzel if Edward would still be sitting in the same position when I returned.
The grumbling became more violent, actually causing me a bit of pain. I decided to go ahead and get something to eat when Edward spoke, "I um, I don't know."
My stomach's vocal demands were forgotten as I processed what Edward had said. I don't know.
I blinked slowly several times like you do when your brain needs a few minutes to process something stupid you've seen or heard. .
"You don't know? How could you not know?" I asked incredulously. Didn't he make the decision? Wasn't he the one who chose to leave me? His answer wasn't good enough because it didn't answer any of the questioning and second guessing that I'd been doing to myself since this whole thing happened.
Edward's shoulders sagged; he bent forward to lean onto his knees. To the casual observer, it would appear as if he was just watching the game very intently. But the clenching of his jaw told a different story. His eyes were closed, he was breathing heavily and his hands were closed tightly into fists. I knew him well enough to know that soon he would run his hand through his hair and tug on the coppery-brown strands in frustration.
4,3,2,1… and cue hair tug. I bet Tanya wouldn't have been able to predict that quirk.
He was still bent over his knees, with both hands clenched tightly in his hair. I watched silently as he tugged mercilessly on the strands. My heart was torn with wanting him to hurt as much as I'd been hurting and hating to see someone I cared about in pain.
Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer; I reached out and gently touched his right knuckle, "Stop, Edward." He flinched at my touch, shifting slightly away before letting out a deep breath and letting go of his hair. My hand dropped quickly to my lap as I waited for him to say something.
The sounds of the ball park faded as Edward lifted his face, his green eyes seemed shimmery. As if they were swimming in water. I grew uncomfortable under his stare and looked away. I began fidgeting with the thick braid hanging over my shoulder. The silkiness of the ribbon that Aunt Janet had tied at the end was comforting as I wove it in between my fingers, over and over and over…
"Stop, Bella." The heat of his hand seared mine as he leaned over and pulled the ends of the ribbon out of my fingers to re-tie the bow at the base of my braid and a tiny rush of excitement flowed through my body causing all of my nerve endings to tingle.
"There. All done." He smiled his crooked little 'Edward smile' and sat back in his chair.
My feelings over what he'd done at the playground and the way my body had just reacted to his touch had me even more confused. I wanted to yell and push at him for leaving me alone and then a small part of me wanted to twirl my hair and bat my lashes, all in an attempt to get him to touch me again.
Geez, I was such a mess.
Thoughts of what I wanted to say next were lost as Edward spoke, "Bella, I didn't mean to hurt you. You understand that, right?" The honesty of his statement was impossible to refuse, as it was clearly written all over his face. He seemed relieved when I nodded quickly. I'd never thought that he'd meant to hurt me, but my question as to why he left me was still unanswered.
"I know your intent wasn't to hurt me, but you did, Edward, so much." I don't know if it showed on my face, but I knew the words I'd spoken were just as honest as his had been.
His face paled at my statement and he began cracking his knuckles. Maybe my face was more expressive than I'd thought?
My words hung over us like the foul ball net that Emmett hated so much. It was keeping the outside world out but we were not going to get what we wanted until it was gone.
And the only way to do that was to take it apart, piece by piece
I tried to keep the emotion in my voice under control, I'd heard Uncle Mark tell my aunt that you were much more likely to get your point across if the emotion was kept to a minimum. Of course I overheard him saying this when he and my aunt were having a heated 'discussion' regarding whether Jasper should be allowed to get his learners permit. Despite my aunt's passionate and at times, loud arguments, Jasper had his permit and had begun driving lessons.
I would try to emulate my uncle to get the answers I wanted; besides, I really didn't want the whole world to see me cry on the jumbotron.
Taking a deep breathe, I tried to get him to understand how I'd felt. "When you chose her over me," Edward opened his mouth to speak but I held up my hand to stop him. "you made me feel like I didn't matter to you. And I don't understand why you would want to spend time with her after the way she treats you and me." I paused and took a moment to gather myself. My voice was shaky but still fairly calm. I looked to the scoreboard and noted that we were now at the top of the seventh inning and that the Twins had evened the score at four all. We were almost out of game and nothing between us had been settled. If I knew my aunt at all, she would be hustling us out of the park the minute the game even looked like it was done so she could avoid the crowds, and I knew that once Emmett and Jasper showed back up there would be no room for a quiet conversation.
I shifted back in my seat and turned my head to find Edward staring at me. His lips were tightly pressed together and the corners of his lips were turned down into a tight frown. I didn't like how his lips looked so thin and pale. They were usually so plump and berry red.
Plump and berry red? I was losing my mind. And what do you do when you're losing your mind? You open your mouth and turn your verbal filter off. Everyone does that, right?
"I don't understand why you would choose her over me, especially knowing how she treats me. I don't like the way it made me feel when you let me walk away from you and I… do you think she's pretty? Do you want her to be your girlfriend? Do you think her hair is prettier than mine? Do you want to kiss her? Did you touch her boobs?"
There, it was all out. For the first time in a week I felt as if I could take a deep breath. While I leaned back in my seat and congratulated myself on unburdening my fevered mind, Edward sat silent next to me.
His wide eyes blinking in slow motion was his only movement. I figured he needed a minute to process everything so I waited.
I bought a glass of lemonade and a bag of peanuts from the stand vendor and waited.
I clapped and cheered when the Mariners pulled ahead after Kyle Seager hit a home run and waited.
I did the wave as it came around.
I contemplated running up to the clubhouse for a sandwich and a soda, but figured that would be rude. So I waited.
Finally I couldn't take the waiting anymore. I stole a glance at Edward while absently pushing my discarded peanut shells into a small pile on the floor in front of me with the toe of my sneaker.
The visual that met me was all wide staring eyes, deep breaths and tightly clenched fists. Perhaps the unburdening I'd done was too much for him? I quickly run the conversation through my head while managing to finish my lemonade with minimal spillage on my new jersey.
You made me feel like I didn't matter. Check. She's mean to me. No denying that fact. Hmmm, so far, I don't see what would cause him to go catatonic…Did you touch her boobs?
Oh my god!
My hand shot up to cover my mouth, dropping my empty drink cup to the hard cement. It bounced once or twice before rolling down the stairs to finally land at the bottom of the stands.
I asked Edward if he touched her boobs! I asked if he wanted to kiss her! I asked if he thought her hair was prettier than mine! I crossed my arms around my stomach and began rocking back and forth in my chair.
What had I done? He'd never speak to me again.
Edward and I sat silent and stonily amidst the roar of the other 40,000 fans in Safeco Field. The words of my ill-conceived outburst hung over us like a cone of silence where forethought and tact didn't exist, at least not where I was concerned. While I'm sure his brain was trying to figure out how he could ever have considered a moron like me a friend, mine was calculating the odds of a foul ball slipping over, under or around the protective net and smacking me in the head where the commotion of carting me off the hospital and treating what I'm sure would end up as a skull fracture, would buy me some time to come up with the evidence I needed to plead insanity. Actually it was entirely possible that he'd already come up with the conclusion that I was insane on his own.
I suppose it shouldn't have come as such a shock to me that I was insane after my behavior this morning in the hotel. Really, the writing was already on the wall. Instead of braiding my hair, my aunt should've locked me in a closet until whatever was going on with me had passed.
How long does puberty last?
I grimaced as my stomach grumbled its discontent at only being fed peanuts when there'd been a clear promise of actual greasy, yummy stadium food being consumed today.
Low blood sugar!
Yes! That was the ticket. I would claim that my verbal diarrhea was a side effect of low blood sugar and not the insane ravings of a lunatic. Edward would surely forgive me knowing how crazy I get when I'm hungry. Not even Emmett would stand between me and the last chocolate chip cookie when I get that crazy look in my eyes.
Edward's continued owl-eyed stare prompted me to action, I opened my mouth to put my plan in motion when the boisterous sounds of Emmett and Jasper returning from their successful scavenging trip interrupted me;
"Holy crap! Who broke Edward?" Cringing, I slunk down in my seat as Emmett's super loud and super uninvited declaration caused the whole row to turn towards his red faced brother.
Could this be worse? If Edward had ever considered giving me another chance, it was long gone now that my insanity had caused him to be the center of attention.
Edward was forced out of his comatose state when Emmett and Jasper pushed their way back down the aisle to their seats. He was once again moving but the confusion lingered in his eyes.
Emmett paused to fluff Edward's hair on his way by. "Dude, if you don't close your mouth, someone is going to stuff their garbage in it."
"Shut up, Emmett, you dick." Edward growled and pushed Em's hand away as it came dangerously close to landing back in his hair. The joy I felt at knowing that I hadn't actually broken him, was quickly eclipsed by the anger I felt in his voice. Edward was using his 'I'm not happy' voice. And I knew that my verbal ridiculousness was the cause of him being unhappy.
"Edward, language!" Esme admonished loudly from her seat. It astounded me how a parent can tune out every whine, complaint or question their child uttered, but their fickle ears heard every hint of a possible swear word.
Edward swung his face towards his mother. From the widening of her eyes, I could only guess that the look on his face was not pleasant.
"Edward what's wrong?" Esme's now concerned voice rang out from down the aisle.
Great! Now I had Esme upset, which meant that my aunt would soon follow.
What had I done?
Any hopes I'd had of slowly slinking off into the sunset without having to explain to the entire world how I'd single handedly managed to lose my mind and break my best friend in the middle of a baseball game were lost as Emmett's voice once again rang out.
"Yeah, little brother, what's wrong?" His lips and eyebrows scrunched up as he scrutinized Edward's face.
"You're looking a little flushed. No, wait; there's a slight blush to your cheeks." He reached out to pinch Edward's face.
Edward wasted no time and soundly slapped the offensive hand away.
Emmett pulled his hand back and howled in mock pain.
"Geez, Edster, what's got your panties in a wad?"
"Shut up Emmett you dick!"
Carlisle leaned behind Jasper and Emmett to slap the back of Edward's head. "Edward! That is enough!"
"Sorry, dad." Edward muttered while rubbing his head. I could tell that the very last thing he was sorry for was calling Emmett a dick, but I also knew that Edward wouldn't disobey his father.
Sensing that Carlisle was at the end of his rope, Emmett stopped taunting his brother and went back to watching the game, leaving Edward and me sitting silently under the thick and sticky web of insanity I'd woven earlier.
A quick glance at the scoreboard revealed that I'd missed the last inning of the game and we were now in the top of the eighth inning with one out with the Mariners up by one. If I could just hold on until the end of the game, my plan was to get lost in the crowd and hide out in the hotel room until we left for Forks tomorrow.
My leg began to fidget nervously as I counted the minutes until the end. Despite the fact that I'd screwed everything up and possibly lost Edward forever, my stomach continued to loudly proclaim the fact that it was still empty.
"Bella…"
"What?' I eloquently blurted out in surprise at the sound of Edward's voice.
"Are you ready to get some food?" I nodded without hesitation. He could've been asking me to donate a kidney and I would have agreed. Edward was speaking to me again. Did everyone hear that?
Edward gave me a small smile and got out of his seat, turning to call down to his mom. "Mom, we're going to go to the club and get something to eat." He didn't wait to hear an answer and motioned with his hands for me to get up. With no thought but to follow Edward, I quickly hoisted myself out of my chair and hurried behind him as he started up the stairs.
I heard our names being called as we climbed the stands, but Edward never slowed down and I wasn't going to be left behind again. So, we ignored the voices of our respective guardians and went into the club house. Something exciting must've happened on the field because all of the people were crowded around the windows leaving the buffet table unguarded. My stomach voiced its excitement over the array of foods displayed on the table, but my heart was still beating in an irregular rhythm at being alone with Edward.
I picked up a plate and followed behind Edward as he went through the buffet line. I grabbed a Philly cheese steak on a toasted wheat hoagie, a bag of chips and a bottle of iced tea, promising myself and the plate of assorted pastries that I would be back for them later, and followed Edward to a table in the corner. Edward was already devouring his bacon burger and cheese fries.
"I'm guessing that the burger is really good?" I handed him a napkin and pointed to the glob of ketchup smeared on the corner of his mouth. Edward nodded sheepishly and wiped off his mouth.
Edward went right back to eating and I followed suit with my super gooey yumminess on a bun. My stomach ceased its griping as soon as the seasoned beef, caramelized onions, peppers, mushrooms and melted provolone cheese found its way down my throat to the waiting arms of my empty belly.
We ate in silence, both of us totally consumed by the feast in front of us. Aunt Janet would've been disgusted by our table manners and Renee would've had a conniption watching me shovel Edward's cheese fries in my mouth, but I could care less as I just sat back and enjoyed lunch with the person that I hoped still wanted the job of being my best friend.
"I'm going to grab something for dessert. Do you want anything?" I shook my head as Edward pushed back his chair and headed for the buffet table. As soon as I'd seen the plate of éclairs on the buffet, I'd known that my next trip to the buffet would not be pretty. I didn't want Edward to watch me devour my dessert like a dog annihilating a chew toy. Instead, I took the opportunity to finish off my pickle spear and wipe off the remnants of my cheesesteak from my face.
Edward returned just as I was cleaning off the spot of melted cheese I'd dropped in my lap. It wasn't a real meal until Bella dropped part of it on her clothes.
"Go ahead. I know you want one of these éclairs." He held out the plate with two giant puffy pastries.
Every day the bus to school drove past 'B's Bakery'. And every day as the bus idled at the stop light, I would stare out the grimy bus window into the crystal clear picture window of the bakery where plates of sinful looking desserts beckoned me with powdered sugar and chocolate covered fingers. There were cakes, pies, brownies, cookies, artfully decorated cupcakes… everything a fat kid starved for sugar could wish for. But the one thing I really wanted, the treat that had eluded me was the puffy, lighter than air pastry with a vanilla custard filling and shiny chocolate topping. Every year for my birthday, I'd promise myself that I'd find a way to get my hands on one, and every year I'd failed. Renee either refused to allow any kind of sweets, opting for a sugar free option or she'd forget my birthday altogether, like she did last year.
Leave it to Edward to be the person to fulfill my baked goods fantasy.
I closed my eyes as the custard and rich chocolate topping melted on my tongue. I tried to savor the heavenly treat, I really did, but like anyone that has been given something they've coveted from afar, I snarfed that pastry down as fast as I could without choking.
"Geez, Bella, slow down. You'll choke," Edward laughed and took a normal sized bite of his éclair. "If I'd known how much you liked those I would've gotten you two." His jest made me realize how much of a pig I was being. I bet Tanya wouldn't have inhaled her éclair. Actually from the looks of her I doubted Tanya ate anything at all.
Stupid, shiny haired, skinny girl.
I covertly grabbed my napkin and tried to slow my decline into total pigdom by daintily dabbing at the chocolate that had collected at the corners of my mouth and on my fingers and on my shirt and…seriously…how did I get it in my hair? Crap!
My frantic attempt to clean myself up was cut short when Edward started to speak. I stopped trying to get the chocolate out of my hair and met his solemn gaze.
"About um, what happened," Edward stopped to run his hand through his hair. I recognized his nervous habit and raised him two twiddling thumbs. I didn't know what I was more afraid to hear, why he'd left me or what he'd done with those girls after they'd gone. His reddened face gave me no clue as to which topic he'd choose and it suddenly occurred to me that despite the insane questions I'd spewed in the stands, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answers. "Like I said, I never meant to hurt you. You know that right?" The sincerity shining in his emerald eyes was undeniable. Why did it make me feel sad?
My fist closed reflexively around the crumpled napkin while I digested what he'd said.
Edward sighed deeply and began fidgeting with his his bottle cap. I was mesmerized by the cap and watched it spinning in tight circles across the polished table.
I barely had time to blink as Edward's long fingers grabbed the cap off the table and drilled it roughly into the nearest garbage can, with a loud 'chunk' as it slammed against the metallic sides.
"Bella, answer me!" I rarely heard Edward raise his voice and out of those few times, his anger was almost always directed at Emmett. This time, it was all me.
Edward sighed in frustration at my silence and started to push away from the table, as if he were going to leave. Without thinking I reached out and grabbed his hand, halting his movement.
I released his hand immediately, and let them fall into my lap. "I know, Edward."
Our gazes never wavered from each other as he calmly took his seat.
"If you know, then what's this all about?" The frustration was back in his voice.
"I was hurt, Edward. Whether you meant it or not, you hurt me so much when you chose them over me." The hurt was evident in my voice and I didn't care.
"Why?"
"Why?" Did he seriously just ask me that?
"Yeah, I don't understand why it's such a big deal. So I spent the afternoon with Tanya and Lauren. Big deal." The offhanded tone he used and nonchalant shoulder shrug did way more to tick me off than the words he'd said.
"It's a big deal because you chose to spend time with someone who is nasty to me every chance she gets instead of spending time with the person who's supposed to be your best friend." Buckle in ladies and gentlemen, direct Bella was up to the plate and brought her big bat.
"She invited you to come too, you chose not to go." My eyes narrowed slightly as he leaned over the table and delivered his pitch.
"She didn't mean it." I'm going to call that a slow dribble to the pitcher. Technically it was a hit, but judging from the look in his eyes, it wasn't going to get me very far.
"Why would she say that if she didn't mean for you to really come with us? And how do you know she wasn't being sincere?" He shook his head back and forth in that irritating way that people do when they think you've lost your marbles and were making no sense.
"Because of the way she said it." I crossed my arms over my stomach and willed Edward to read my mind. I needed him to understand what I meant without needing more of an explanation from me as it was clear that I'd been reduced to muttering about tones of voice and innuendo.
"I don't get you people." He muttered under his breath. Edward sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Apparently my mind control powers were lacking.
"What do you mean by 'you people?' "I echoed his frustration, not only did I not understand the actions of the other girls; I didn't even know how to relay my feelings to him without sounding like a loon. And the worst part was I knew I sounded nuts, but I couldn't help it. It's as if my brain was shooting off fireworks and every explosion brought on a new emotion that I didn't know how to handle. And for some reason, I blamed Edward for me being upset.
Edward groaned and then fixed me with an intense stare. " Girls… you guys say one thing and mean another. You pretend to be interested in baseball but all you want to talk about is what I think of your hair, do I like your new dress, how different I look since I started working out, do I want to go to the movies with you, or how much you like my hair. You kiss me when I'm not ready for it; you pretend everything is fine when it isn't. You expect me to know what you're thinking without giving me a clue…" He trailed off, shaking his head and looking away from me towards the big window facing the field. He was taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly, attempting to calm himself. "I don't understand what you all want from me."
I couldn't really blame Edward for not understanding what I was so clumsily trying to get him to see. I was unable to vocalize the hurt I'd felt knowing that he didn't see me the same way he saw Tanya or even Lauren. I wasn't even sure if I understood it myself, yet I expected him to just know how I felt… Wait; did he say something about a kiss? She kissed him? Did he like it? Did he kiss her back?
The lunch I'd so thoroughly enjoyed not twenty minutes ago, suddenly felt heavy in my stomach. I wanted to run to the nearest bathroom and either cry or throw up. Maybe both.
"You kissed her?" My leg started to shake and my skin started to feel all clammy.
"Well, more like she kissed me." His eyes darted to the left, avoiding mine.
Don't ask, don't ask…. "Did you like it?" I wanted to throw up the minute I asked. But the lunacy of an almost fifteen year old girl knows no bounds.
"I'm not sure." I watched in horror as the tips of his ears turned pink. And the corner of his mouth turned up into a tiny smile.
"You're not sure? How can you not be sure?" Seriously? Again with the "I'm not sure" crap? What sense does that make?
He shrugged and continued avoiding my eyes.
"It's a 'yes' or 'no' question, Edward." I demanded. The shrillness of my voice must've surprised or possibly scared him, because his frightened eyes met my glare.
"I think I liked it. She smelled nice and her hair was really soft."
"Well that's just great!"
"Why are you so angry?"
"I don't know!" I half screamed at him.
Edward lowered his voice and moved to touch my hand. "Bella, what's wrong?" I pulled back my shaking hands and tucked them underneath my legs. I didn't know why, but something told me that at that moment, I wouldn't be able to tolerate his touch.
Edward slumped in his seat dejectedly. "Bella, I don't know what you want me to say. I already told you that I didn't mean to hurt you. You believe me right?" I nodded but continued to look away from him. "I answered your questions. What else you want from me?"
He had a right to ask that question. The emotions swirled in my head like one of those hypnotist wheelie things. Which as my still size 16 butt will attest, do not work. There was a part of me that didn't want him to spend time with Tanya and Lauren because he was my friend. They had their chance with him but chose instead to berate and ignore what a wonderful person he is. And now all of a sudden he's worth their time because he's working out and playing baseball. I was his friend when he was just a comic book reading, Monopoly playing and dance class attending, kid.
He was mine and I didn't want to share.
And grouped in with my teen logic on friend ownership, way back in the far corner of my addled brain, behind the discarded Care Bear sheets and fuzzy pink Miss Piggy slippers of my childhood, there was a hint of what I vaguely recognized as jealousy peeking out. I wasn't just jealous that he'd spent time with someone else, I was jealous that he kissed a girl and possibly liked it.
Suddenly everything Aunt Janet had said last week made sense. Edward wasn't 'My Edward' anymore. She'd said that he was changing and that girls would start to take notice. I'd nodded and agreed with her, but the truth was that until presented with the fact that not only were girls taking notice of his changing body, confidence and self esteem, but that HE was also noticing things like how they smelled and that their hair was soft, I'd deluded myself into thinking that I might be all he would need.
The look on Edward's face window was startling. My friend was in turmoil. He looked like I felt, terrible.
He had the same look on his face when we'd found a half dead bunny in his back yard the summer before. We couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. There weren't signs of an obvious injury yet it just laid there stretched out under a bush. When we would approach it, the poor thing would try to move but its back legs wouldn't respond. Edward was beside himself. Esme had told us to leave it alone and Edward's father would take care of it when he got home that night. But Edward wouldn't leave it alone. He brought his laptop out to the yard and we sat for hours by the bunny looking up solutions on the internet. There was surprisingly very little on the care of wild rabbits. He brought it a dish of water and much to the horror of his mother, he'd gone through her garden plucking several choice vegetables and presenting them to his patient, hoping he'd be able to entice it to eat. No matter what Edward tried, the bunny continued to lay there unmoving, watching us with sad and scared brown eyes.
Later when Emmett and Jasper had wandered through the back yard, there'd been several tense moments as the older boys wanted to 'put it out of its misery'. Edward fought them back claiming that when his dad arrived home, he'd be able to fix his new friend. Eventually they got bored and left. When Aunt Janet called me home for dinner, I regretfully left, leaving Edward sitting beside 'Bugsy'. As I'd walked away I heard Edward telling the non-responsive animal that as soon as Bugsy got better, he would build him a cage and bring him into the house where he'd never have to worry about being chased by dogs and cats. Where he'd have fresh vegetables to munch on every day. I'd called the house later that night hoping to hear good news but instead I was presented with a distraught Edward. Carlisle had diagnosed 'Bugsy' with a broken back and claimed that there was nothing he could do for him. Through Edward's sobs, I'd learned that Carlisle told him that if left in his current state, 'Bugsy' would eventually die a painful death of dehydration or be eaten by a predator. Edward had been the one to administer the shot that had mercifully ended Bugsy's life. The next day at the funeral, I'd seen the same look on his face as I was seeing now; frustration, anger and hurt were evident in his scowl and sad green eyes.
Edward was a genius and as such there was very little he couldn't figure out, but when presented with a problem that his big brain didn't understand, he'd become angry and despondent. I'd seen it when he couldn't fix 'Bugsy' and I was seeing it on his face now.
I couldn't help him with 'Bugsy' but I could at least try to stop acting like a crazy person and own up to my part in putting that look on his face.
I pushed down my own feelings of frustration and anger and tried to open up to my friend.
"Edward," I took a deep breath as his eyes met mine, pleading for me to give him the answers he needed. "I've been acting like a jerk." I paused and waited for his smirk to disappear before I continued. "I'm sorry."
"Then tell me why you've been acting like this?"
"I'm not sure." I answered honestly but looked away at his questioning eyes.
I heard his familiar sigh of frustration. It was a sound that I'd become more familiar with than I liked to admit.
"You're not sure? Bella, you ask me questions I don't have the answers for. You ask me to explain why I left with Tayna and when I can't, you don't believe me." I opened my mouth for a retort but Edward stopped me with a wave off. "No, my turn to talk." I nodded as he continued.
"Look, I didn't choose them over you, at least not in the way you think I did. Bella, you're my best friend but I feel different around Tanya. The things she was saying…it made me feel, I don't know, different."
"Different?" His face turned a light shade of pink at my question.
"Um, well, not Edward the smart nerd who can repeat every line from every Star Wars movie on command, or Edward, Emmett's little brother the clumsy dance guy. She made me feel like I was Edward the athlete. Tanya treats me like the girls treat the other guys on the team. Her attention made me feel… powerful. "
If Tanya treated him like a regular guy…"How do I treat you?" As far as I could tell, he hadn't mentioned anyone treating him like he was the most important person in their life. He had to know that's how I feel about him. Right?
"You treat me like I'm your best friend. And you're my best friend." He assured me as a small smile appeared, pushing the scowl off his mouth.
Those words should have made my heart blow up from sheer happiness, but hearing them made me realize that I wanted him to care about me as more than a friend. "Edward, I care about you more than anyone else in the world." In for a penny, in for a pound as my aunt would say.
I released the breath I'd been holding and waited for him to catch up.
"I care about you too, Bella. " He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes in the universal language that said, "Didn't we just cover this?"
"I know you do but…" My voice trailed off. I couldn't bring myself to actually say the words, I want you to hold my hand and think my hair smells good…I want you to kiss me.
The crowd suddenly erupted in cheers and screams, drawing Edward's attention to the field. His eyes widened in excitement as he rushed from our table to the big picture window and started cheering along with the other fans gathered around him. By the look and sound of the celebration, the Mariner's must've done something big.
The elation of the cheering crowd was lost on me as I sat alone amongst the remnants of our lunch. Our recent conversation played back in my head slowly. The words I'd said and the feelings behind them came rushing onto me like a heavy falling curtain or a furious wave, pulling me down into the depths of the cold ocean with the realization that I wanted a lot more from Edward than he was probably willing to give me.
If I told him how I really felt, assuming that I what I thought I was feeling was accurate and not just bad cheese steak, he might freak out. I knew deep down in my heart that Edward wouldn't hurt me on purpose but if I pushed him, I stood the chance of losing him forever. I mean after all, who would pick me over a girl like Tanya as a possible kissing partner?
Certainly not 'The future of Spartan baseball'.
My shoulders slumped as I watched Edward interact with the other fans in the ritzy club house. Their cheerful smiles and self assured back claps were in stark contrast to the darkness and uneasiness that currently surrounded me. They all moved with the grace that came with confidence and knowing where you fit in the world.
Edward was no longer the ungainly, bespectacled boy that suffered from low self esteem and confidence.
He belonged with those kinds of people.
He didn't belong with someone like me. I knew that, and in time I had a feeling that he would figure that fact out for himself. Was it wrong to want to keep him as long as I could?
"Bella, did you see that?" I shook my head and smiled as a hint of the old Edward I loved appeared on his less than boyish face.
Edward came rushing back to the table. "Michael Saunders just hit a home run, driving in Montero and Ackley. We're ahead by three." His excitement was so cute.
"Um, that's great."
"We should probably get back to our seats. The game is going to be over soon and if I know my mom and your aunt, we'll get our butts chewed for sure if they have to come looking for us." I nodded, grabbing the rest of our garbage to throw away and followed him out of the clubhouse.
The excitement we'd experienced in the clubhouse was nothing compared to the sounds of the crowd in the stands. If I hadn't been deep in the throes of a pity spiral, I'm sure I would've joined in with their revelry.
Edward hurried down the stairs to our seats. I followed at a more leisurely pace not wanting to give Emmett a second chance at watching me fall down the stairs.
By the time I was safely in my seat, the Twins were back up at bat with their last chance to try and take the game from the home team. Edward, Emmett and Jasper were talking animatedly with each other about the previous homerun and boasting about how they were sure, to quote Emmett, "The Twins didn't have a chance in hell of winning the game." I smiled at Edward when he tapped me on the shoulder in excitement when relief pitcher, Tom Wilhelmsen struck out his second batter. The Twins had one more out left with the tying run at bat.
I stood up and clapped with the rest of the crowd as the count went to two strikes and two balls. I did the wave as short stop, Doug Bernier dug into the batter's box and let the ball number three pass him by.
The excitement built as the crowd began stomping their feet in anticipation of the last out that would seal a Mariner's victory. Bernier took a few practice swings and took his stance. The stands went crazy when he hit a foul ball down the third base line.
"Emmett Michael Cullen! Get down from there!" My current heartache was momentarily forgotten as Emmett leapt from his seat and began climbing the foul ball cargo net in front of us. Edward, Jasper and I laughed and pointed at him as he hung there with a big goofy smile on his face and his glove poised over the top of the net in hopes of snagging a foul ball.
Park security came rushing down the stands. "Ma'am, you have to get him down from there. The net can't hold his weight." Esme could only nod at them as Carlisle and Uncle Mark tried to grab Emmett's ankles.
"You hear that, and Em? The net can't hold your fat butt." Edward yelled up to his precariously perched baboon of a brother.
The net wavered erratically as he let go with his right hand to flip us the 'finger'.
"Oh my God! Emmett, stop moving!" Esme screamed at her eldest son.
In the confusion, we hadn't noticed that the game had resumed. I held my breath as Bernier took a swing and knocked a foul ball back towards Emmett.
"I can't watch." Esme exclaimed, hiding her face in her hands as Emmett leaned way over the top of the net to snag the ball.
"I got it! I got it!" He yelled enthusiastically. Everyone in the park clapped and screamed as Emmett clambered down the net with his prize.
"Ma'am we're going to have to ask you to leave the park." Esme nodded weakly at the security guy, with a groan, she and Aunt Janet bent to quickly gather their things from the seating area.
Uncle Mark's laughter was in stark contrast to the embarrassment evident on Carlisle's face.
"Did you guys see my awesome catch?" Emmett asked over his shoulders as his father ushered him up the stands via a stern hold on his neck.
Jasper laughed and pointed behind us back towards the field where Emmett's exploits were being replayed on the jumbotron. "Dude, everyone saw it."
Emmett's eye's widened to the point where I thought they might pop out of their sockets. "See that Stumble Bee? I'm a star!" I didn't even try to hide my amusement as Carlisle shook his head and pushed Emmett up the stairs.
"I knew it was only a matter of time before he got us thrown out." Edward muttered as both families trouped out of the stands.
"I'm so embarrassed."
Aunt Janet laughed. "Oh Es, just be thankful he didn't fall and break something."
"By the time I get done with him, he'll wish he only had a broken foot." Esme vowed.
Jasper, Edward and I giggled as we came upon the families at the exit where Esme was trying to discipline her euphoric son while Carlisle stood quietly by shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose. Hmmm, so Edward's trait was inherited from his dad.
"…and another thing, if you think you're going to keep your license after this… this embarrassing and dangerous display…" Her speech was interrupted when a group of kids ran up to Em asking for his autograph, which Emmett was more than willing to supply.
"Oh lord, there'll be no living with him now." Esme threw up her hands and leaned on her husband, hiding her face in his shoulder. He patted her back softly as Emmett signed the kid's programs.
"Edward, why don't you ride with us back to the hotel? Let's give your parents a moment with your brother."
Edward shrugged,"Um, sure." Esme smiled gratefully at my aunt as we started towards the Tahoe. I looked back to see Emmett being pulled towards their car by his irate mother. From the look on his face he'd not considered having to be alone in an enclosed space with his parents when he'd made the decision to jump on that net.
The excitement of Emmett's daring feat was the topic of conversation as we settled into the car and headed back to the hotel.
"I can't believe he did that."
Edward snorted, "I can."
"It was so cool." Jasper's comment earned a quick reproach from the front seat.
"It was most certainly not cool. It was a silly and dangerous thing to do. Just think how upset his mother would've been if he'd been hurt." Aunt Janet scolded.
"He got a game ball. He might even be on Sports Center. Worth it." Jasper countered under his breath.
"Son, that's enough." Uncle Mark's voice was stern, but his eyes were smiling in the rear view mirror.
Jasper huffed but wisely stayed silent.
The ride to the hotel was blessedly short, and with all of the excitement at the field, I hadn't had time to dwell on my newest problem. The problem that was currently sitting right next to me. The 'problem' that I was trying desperately not to lean into and sniff his shirt.
Oh god. What was wrong with me? I wanted to sniff his shirt? I knew what Edward smelled like. He smelled like sweat and grass and…boy. I hung my head down and let out a little groan.
"Are you okay?" The object of my affection or delusion, whatever the case may be, asked.
I nodded quickly and looked out the window.
I could feel him shift nervously beside me. "Are we okay?" He half whispered in my ear. I stiffened at his voice and nodded again.
"Are you sure?" I knew that he wouldn't stop asking until I spoke, so with every ounce of sanity I still possessed, I plastered a smile on my face and turned towards him.
"Yeah, we're good." He visibly relaxed but it didn't quite reach his eyes. We both knew that there was still something wrong, but neither of us knew what exactly it was nor how to begin fixing it.
So we did what normal teenagers do, we shoved it under the rug and hoped that somehow, we'd wake up the next morning with the whole thing magically resolved and everyone was back to normal.
But I knew that wasn't going to happen.
Rut Roh Shaggy, I think I see angst ahead. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. It was a bugger to write and took over three weeks to get it right.
As always, thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate it very much.
ruinedbyrob