Suhail was the first to speak.
"Jacob. I'm so sorry that you had to see that. I don't know what I was thinking."
Suddenly Jake was distracted from me, and turned to Suhail angrily.
"But you're not sorry you did it are you? Even if you weren't a bloodsucker, even if you weren't putting her in danger, you're messing with her, charming her! She's just a kid and you..."
"Jake," I interrupted on the verge of tears. "Jake, please don't be angry at him. It was me Jake...all me. Lets talk, OK?"
I was desperate not to lose Jake, but I knew I couldn't be with him now. I had always thought that the fondness, the love I felt for Jake was being in love. I thought that was what couples felt for each other.
But the feelings I had for Suhail overwhelmed all of that. There was a difference, and I could see it now.
Jake met my gaze and held it, as he tried to decide what to do. I knew he didn't want to hurt me...even after I had hurt him.
He nodded slowly. "Lets talk," he agreed softly.
I looked back at Suhail, and for a moment I felt the urge to throw myself on him again.
"Please, wait for me?"
"Just whisper if you need me," he murmured, before gliding out of the door, avoiding Jake's gaze.
I moved closer to Jake and took his hand, guiding him towards a nearby bench. His hand was limp in mine, he let me lead him without any reaction.
I sat on the floor in front of him and waited for him to speak. To move. To do anything. It seemed to take hours.
"Do you...I mean. Suhail?" He could barely stammer the words out.
I hesitated before nodding. I knew I couldn't spare him now.
"I'm so sorry Jake. I wish it wasn't like this..." I trailed off. His gaze had drifted over my shoulder and his eyes were dead.
"But I love you Jake, I do! I just...Suhail is different. I just want to be near him...I can't explain it." I wanted to cry, to scream, to punch something. Why me? Why Jake?
Without meeting my eyes Jake laughed darkly.
"Sounds like you've imprinted."
As we sat in silence I felt pain wash through me, overwhelm me. This was Jake. My Jake. And I was torturing him.
I tried to catch his eye but he was staring away from me, his eyes dead. I didn't know if he was in shock, or if he just hated me.
Jake I whispered, tentatively reaching out towards his hand. He didn t react as I lay my hand on his, didn t flinch as I leaned in, silently begging him to understand. He just continued to stare blankly away from me, his expression lifeless.
Jake I m so sorry My voice cracked as I choked back tears. I hated this. I hated myself for doing this. But I was trapped, a victim of my own stupid emotions.
Unable to speak anymore, I gently wrapped my little finger around his, and showed him. Showed him my memories of us playing when I was just a child, showed him my diary entries gushing about him showed him the confusion that had shattered our perfect fairytale. I furnished my memories with love, regret, anguish.
I couldn t stand to look at him anymore, to see the pain in his eyes. Pain that I had caused. I closed my eyes, vaguely aware of the tears sliding down my cheeks. I wanted him to scream at me, to hate me, to wish me dead. But not this, anything but this.
I felt his big, warm hand gently cup my chin, guiding my face upwards to be level with his.
Honey, you did nothing wrong. I could see he was trying to mask his agony, but that only made it worse. I glanced into his eyes, and I was stuck. I couldn t look away, but I couldn t bear to see. We held each other s gaze, until he slowly pulled away.
And then he was gone. My Jakey. My rock...my best friend my should-be soul mate.
I couldn t suppress a whimper of I don t know. Of pain. Of self-hatred.
I sat there, tears silently rolling down my face, rocking myself gently for hours. I don't know what time I heard the garage door creak open.
A pair of stone cold arms wrapped around me, soothing me gently. I collapsed into the familiar, comforting coldness.
"Mom," I sobbed.