Thanks so much for all the amazing reviews! Here is some more (with some more answers.) Thanks for reading and reviewing.
There were perks to living alone, and Olivia had been by herself long enough to know every single one of them. The one she realized she'd taken for granted was the peace and quiet. She used to go to bed whenever she wanted and wake up with her alarm, or if she got a call from the station…but otherwise she could sleep straight through the night. But ever since Noah came into her life, she'd gone four straight months without a full night's sleep, and it seemed tonight was no exception. She sat up, hearing the sounds through the baby monitor. At first she thought Noah was awake and banging on the side of his crib, something he did when he was wanting her attention but hadn't quite become agitated enough to cry, but as she listened closer she realized the sound wasn't coming from Noah. It was muffled, which meant it was coming from somewhere farther from the crib, and then she heard the familiar creak of her squeaky kitchen cabinet and she knew what the sound was. She closed her eyes, giving a sigh and trying to find the strength to confront him.
She walked into the living room, staring into the kitchen where Elliot was frantically going through all of her cabinets. "What are you doing?" she asked, and he looked at her startled.
"I couldn't sleep," he said, closing the cabinet door and she looked at the plates and glasses sitting on the counter surrounded by canned goods and pasta boxes.
"So…" she glanced at the mess, "You decided to clean out my cupboards?"
"I just need something…" he said seriously. "To help me sleep…I can't go to sleep…"
"You said you were going to quit," she reminded him. "For Libby…you don't want to lose her, remember."
"Come on, Liv," his voice was somewhere between pleading and angry. "I know you have something…that fruity wine you like to drink? Anything…"
"No," she shook her head. "I can't let you…"
"I won't drink much," he promised. "Just a little…so I can relax and get to sleep. My mind is racing…thinking about Liz…the baby…"
"Drinking isn't going to fix that," she insisted. "You know that…it hasn't fixed anything after all these years, has it?"
"Damn it, Olivia," he stormed out of the kitchen and she looked at the cabinet where she'd hidden the wine. If she'd come in a minute later he would've found it. She had to dump it…just as soon as he was asleep. He threw himself down on the couch, "I guess I'll just stay awake then…" he clicked on the television and the light filtered through the room. She walked to Noah's crib, hoping the light wouldn't wake him, but he was still sound asleep. She covered him with his green dinosaur blanket and Elliot looked at her. "I'm sorry…" he said, clicking off the TV. "I forgot about him…I'll leave it off."
She walked over, sitting in the chair and pulling her feet up under her, "He's fine…you can turn it back on. If it'll help you fall asleep…"
"I haven't fallen asleep sober in years," he admitted, "And I doubt I'm gonna start now."
"El…" she looked at him, and she pitied the man he'd become. She never wanted to feel that way about him, but she did…and it hurt. "What happened? How did this happen?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he said, pulling to covers up around him.
"Do you think rehab would help?" she asked. "I can look into some places…"
"I don't need you to do that," he argued. "Besides, I won't go to one of those places. I don't need to…"
"You can't even go to sleep without a drink," she reminded him. "You can't function unless you're drunk and then you're not functioning well…"
"What do you know about it?" he asked, frustrated by her need to prove herself right. "I haven't seen you in three damn years…and you think you know me?"
"Kathy said…" she started but he interrupted her.
"Oh well…by all means believe Kathy," he shouted, and Noah started to stir so he lowered his voice. "She doesn't give a shit about me. She wishes I was dead…and most of the time I do too."
"Don't say that," she whispered. "Please…"
He snickered and gave a weak sigh, "Don't say I wish I was dead? God…don't sit there and pretend like you care…"
"I do care," she insisted. "Libby needs you…Eli needs you…"
"God, Eli…" he sighed. "He probably hates me."
"I bet he misses you," she said. "I know he does."
Elliot shook his head, "Kathy won't let me see him. It's my fault. I had him at my apartment…I always took him for my weekends…I swear…but I was drinking and I passed out. Eli was hungry…and I wouldn't wake up. He tried to make a grilled cheese and caught the stove on fire. I still wouldn't wake up…" his eyes filled with tears. "He called 9-1-1…"
"Oh God El," she said sadly.
"My son could've died," he cried. "I didn't save him…he saved me…"
"I'm glad he knew what to do," she said honestly.
"Me too," he admitted. "But that was the last straw for Kathy. I can't blame her…but I miss my kids." He sighed, "Maureen, Kathleen, and Dickie…they hate me too. Liz was the only one who would still talk to me…she said she forgave me because she knew I didn't mean to hurt them. And now she's gone…my little girl was too scared to come to me when she was in trouble. I ruined everything…and I can't fix it…my life might as well be over…"
"It's not too late," Olivia assured him. "Stop the drinking…get some help…get better…"
"I don't want to," he said truthfully. "I don't deserve it…I deserve to miserable…" His head fell in his hands and his sobs were hard and painful.
"El…" she reluctantly moved and sat next to him on the sofa, putting her arm comfortingly on his back. "I know I ruined your life…I never meant for this to happen…"
He looked up at her, his eyes red from crying, "Liv…I told you…I didn't start drinking because of you. I did this…I hurt you…I hurt my family…I made you feel like you had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy, and I know you didn't want to do it. I know you wanted that baby…"
"I need to tell you something," she said, taking a deep breath and trying unsuccessfully not to cry. "El…I was wrong…"
"Don't…" he sighed. "Don't put the blame on yourself. I was the one who didn't try to help you…I told you to give the baby up, and I should've known you couldn't do that. I made it seem like I wanted you to get rid of the problem…and the baby was a part of us…and then it was just gone and I didn't realize how much I wanted it until then…after you had the abortion…"
"I didn't," she cried. "El…I didn't have an abortion…I'm so sorry I let you think I did…"
"What?" he looked at her in disbelief. "Liv…you were at the clinic crying…you said you had an abortion…"
She shook her head sadly, "You thought I did…and it made me angry that you'd think something like that…so I just let you think it."
"You didn't do it…" he looked confused, unable to fully process what she was saying. "But…if you didn't…what happened to our child, Olivia? Did you give it up?" He glanced toward the crib, "Your son is too young to be mine…so what happened to my baby?"
She sobbed, not wanting to tell him. She'd been ashamed of her secret for so long that hearing it come out of her mouth was scary and sad. "I let you think I had the abortion, because I wanted to protect the baby. I thought you didn't want him…and I didn't want my kid growing up feeling unloved. I figured if you thought I'd had an abortion, you'd be angry enough to leave me alone, and I was going to move away…have the baby somewhere else where you'd never have to see us or worry about us…"
"Where's my child, Liv?" he asked seriously. "What happened?"
Why were all of the cases getting to her so much lately? What started out as a typical rape case had gotten bizarre when the suspect tried to commit suicide and they'd discovered too many reasons why he couldn't be the rapist even though they had DNA evidence and eye witnesses. Now, sitting in a halfway house in Jersey, she was face to face with the suspect's birth mother. Listening to this woman go on and on about her babies she'd given up for adoption was making her sick. Maybe it was the way the woman talked about the boys, like they meant nothing to her or maybe it was the cigarette smoke she kept blowing in her face, but either way Olivia had to get out of there. When the woman told them one of the boys had come to see her twenty years prior and she'd told him all about his twin, it seemed logical that they had the wrong man in custody. When she told him the young man had watched his adoptive mother brutally murder and torch is adoptive father, she knew he was the person they were looking for. A serial rapist, hiding in the shadows of the twin brother he'd never met…making the other man's life a living hell. It sounded like the plot of a bad movie, and here they were dealing with it. Things were never dull at SVU. She wondered if she'd miss it when she left.
"You doing okay?" Nick asked as they walked down the steps toward the car.
"Sure," she forced a smile. "Why?"
"You were looking a little green in there," he said. "The smoke…isn't good for the baby…"
"I tried to breathe the other way," she said, opening the car door and sliding inside. Nick started the car and she sighed, "Besides, I've been feeling better lately…I haven't thrown up all week…" She wondered if she was giving him too much information, but he smiled and nodded.
"That's great," he said. "But you should still tell Cragen. Then you won't have to go out on cases like this. It could be dangerous."
"I'm not telling him…" she said, and as the words escaped her lips she knew she'd gone too far and there was no turning back.
"What?" Nick asked. "You have to tell him. Think about the baby…"
"I'm leaving," she said, relieved to finally share her secret with someone. She'd spent the last week and half looking online for places she thought might be a good spot to raise a child and she'd finally decided. "I'm moving to Dallas…in a week or so."
"You're what?" Nick asked shocked. "When did you decide this?"
She shrugged, "When I realized I don't have the strength to do this here," she let her hand rest on her stomach and felt the tears forming in her eyes.
He nodded knowingly, "Liv…what did he do?" She shook her head, as if she didn't know what he was talking about. "The baby's father…I know you didn't use a donor…who is he? Did he hurt you?"
"He didn't hurt me…not the way you think," she cleared her throat and brushed away her tears. "He doesn't love me…and I thought he did…but he left and he doesn't want the baby…he told me to give it up," she sighed. "He's afraid his wife and kids will find out," she cried.
"Oh Liv…" Nick looked at her sadly.
She sniffled, "I'm a slut. I had an affair with a married man…and I expected him to want this baby…I was so stupid…"
"You are not a slut," he said, pulling the car over and looking her in the eye. "You made a mistake…with someone you loved…someone you thought loved you back…"
"But Elliot doesn't want me…" she started, and gasped when she realized she'd said his name out loud.
"Elliot?" he asked as realization hit. "Oh my God…Elliot Stabler is the father of your baby?" he asked. "No wonder you want to leave…"
She nodded, "Don't tell anyone," she begged. "Please…please don't tell anyone…"
"I won't," he put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently. "But Liv…you shouldn't let that asshole run you off. This is your home. You have every right to stay here. He took advantage of your relationship…"
"No…he didn't," she defended him. "I wanted to be with him. I seduced him…I got drunk and went to his house and begged him to love me…" She lowered her head in shame, letting her tears fall. "I did this…"
"You should tell Cragen you're thinking of leaving," he told her. "And why…"
"No!" she shook her head. "Nick…he can't know…please…"
"I won't say anything," he promised. "But do me a favor…call me if you need anything, okay? I don't want you feeling like you're alone."
She nodded, "Okay…I promise…"
They made their way back to the station, neither one of them saying anything more. Olivia had pulled herself together, eliminating any sign that she'd been a blubbering mess just minutes before and although Nick was still worried, he knew he couldn't reveal her secret without ruining what little headway he'd made in winning her trust. They filled the team in on what they'd learned…their suspect Gabriel Thomas had an identical twin he knew nothing about. Olivia looked up the case the birth mother had told them about, finding out the man's name was Brian Smith…he'd been a teenager when he watched his mother kill his father, resulting in her getting the death penalty for murder. It took Fin a matter of minutes to find the new suspect online, his name and address popping up on the screen.
"Let's go pick him up," Nick said eagerly. From the beginning he'd known they had the wrong guy…and he was anxious to prove it.
"Wait..." Cragen replied quickly. "Let's bring the DA up to speed. There are some issues here."
Nick sighed, his face worn with the stress of the case. He grabbed his jacket, walking over to Olivia who was sitting at her desk, "You ready to go face Novak?" he asked.
"Uhm…" her voice was tired and it worried him. "Do you mind if I don't go? I don't feel so great all of the sudden…"
"What's wrong?" he asked fearfully. "You don't look good…are you sick?"
"No," she shook her head. "I just feel weird all of the sudden…there's this ache in my back…and I feel a little off…" she exhaled slowly. "Maybe I should go home…"
"You want me to drive you?" he asked.
"No…I'm fine," she promised. "Just go…take Rollins."
"You two ready?" Cragen asked, walking over to them. "I'm going too…I'm gonna have to explain all this…"
"I'm ready," Nick offered. "And I'll bring Amanda. Liv's going home…she's not feeling well."
Cragen looked questioningly at her, "You okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," she insisted. "I'm probably coming down with something," she said, knowing he didn't believe her.
"Okay," he nodded. "Go on home and rest then."
She watched them leave, and then she grabbed her things and headed out, getting to her apartment and falling on the couch with sheer exhaustion. She couldn't even make it to the bedroom she was so weak and tired. All she could think of was that she was glad she was leaving New York soon because there was no way she could hide being pregnant anymore.
Nick had called that night, he said to tell her about the case but she suspected it was just to check up on her. She'd promised him she was feeling better, and she was…and he'd told her about a plan to use Rollins as bait to catch Brian Smith in the act. "She'll pose as a jogger in the park where he works…then Fin and I will be hanging around and catch him when he makes his move," he said, proud of the plan.
"Cragen approved that?" she asked.
"It was the only way to get him," Nick told her. "Novak says unless we catch him in the act, a jury will never convict because all the evidence could just as clearly point to Gabriel."
She sighed, "Well I guess I'll meet you at the park in the morning then."
"No…" he insisted. "It's too dangerous. You are not doing an undercover job, Liv. I'll tell Cragen if you try…"
"Nick," she pleaded. "I have to do my job."
"I already took care of that," he said. "I told Cragen you'd probably come back tomorrow even though you're not feeling well and that he should keep you at the station so you didn't jeopardize the case."
"Jeopardize the case?" she snickered. "What the hell…"
"Think of your baby," he said, knowing she had no argument for that.
Four days later they finally caught Brian Smith, but not before Rollins had nearly taken a knife to the throat and Amaro almost destroyed the case by beating the guy with his bare fists. Thank goodness Fin was there to stop him. Olivia stood outside the interrogation room, watching while Fin and Munch got nowhere with the suspect, and then again as Rollins took her turn in with him. She had the overwhelming sense that no one would miss her when she told them she was leaving. Amanda Rollins was making a name for herself while Olivia Benson was fading away. She sighed, feeling achy and tired and wishing she could just quit and be done right then and there.
When Brian Smith finally confessed to his crimes, Olivia and Nick were able to release Gabriel and they took him to see his twin for the first time. It was surreal, and when she watched this man whose life was practically destroyed, she felt physically ill. They should have done more to protect him.
"You want a ride home?" Nick asked, as they were walking toward the door, leaving early at Cragen's insistence now that the case was finally over, and even though they were all still on call, they hoped they wouldn't have to come back in.
"No," Olivia forced a weak smile. "I actually have a doctor's appointment. I called earlier…she said she'd see me…"
"You're still feeling bad?" Nick asked.
She shook her head, "I don't feel bad…just off…it's hard to explain. I just want to see my doctor and make sure everything's okay."
"I'll drive you," Nick offered.
"You don't have to," Olivia argued.
"I know," he smiled, "But I want to."
They drove in silence, and all Olivia could think about was how Elliot used to insist on giving her rides home at the end of the day. She'd thought it was a sign of his love, but now she knew it was just his way of being in control. They pulled up in front of the office building and Olivia opened the door, "Thanks," she smiled. "I appreciate the ride."
"I'll take you home after," he offered. "I have a few errands to run around here anyway."
She knew he was lying, but she also recognized his stubbornness. "Okay…I'll meet you here in an hour or so." He nodded, giving her a warm smile and she closed the car door and walked into the doctor's office.
The doctor smiled, making small talk as she went through Olivia's medical chart. "How have you been feeling?" she asked.
"I feel okay," Olivia answered. "I was getting sick a lot, but this last week I've felt a lot better."
"You said you felt a little off," the doctor reminded her. "When you called earlier…you seemed worried."
Olivia shrugged, "My back aches…and I know I'm not far enough along for that. And my stomach hurts…not a queasy feeling…but a dull pain…I can't explain it. And I'm just worried because I've never been pregnant before and I don't know what feels normal…but this feels off to me."
"Okay," the doctor had her lean back on the table. "Let's check on your little one so we can put your mind at ease." She pulled out the Doppler, pressing it to her stomach in an attempt to hear the baby's heartbeat, and Olivia could tell by the expression on her face that something was wrong. The doctor looked at her and gave a weak smile, "I think I'd like to do an ultrasound…just to check…"
"What's wrong?" Olivia's voice was panicked. "What's wrong with my baby?"
"I couldn't detect the heartbeat…but sometimes babies like to hide," the doctor tried to put her mind at ease. "We'll be able to tell for sure on the ultrasound."
"Tell for sure…" Olivia cried. "Tell what for sure?"
"Just stay calm…okay" she left her laying on the examination table and Olivia could've sworn she could hear her own heart beating through her chest. She had never been more afraid.
The doctor came back in, this time with a nurse and an ultrasound tech and Olivia couldn't help but wonder why she'd brought in back up. Probably to help her give the bad news. They looked at one another during the ultrasound, but not at her. She could tell something was wrong, and she didn't want their pity…she just wanted them to be honest with her. Finally the doctor looked at her, her voice gentle and sorrowful, "I'm sorry…" she said and Olivia couldn't stop crying long enough to hear the rest. After a few minutes the nurse squeezed her hand and asked her if they could call someone for her, and she forced herself to stop crying then. The doctor sat beside her, "There's no heartbeat," she said softly. "And according your chart…the baby should be almost nine weeks, but it's measuring around seven and a half…"
"What?" she asked, knowing she should understand what the doctor was telling her, but she wasn't able to.
"There hasn't been a heartbeat for over a week," the doctor explained. "That's probably why you haven't had any morning sickness this week."
"But…" Olivia cried. "I don't understand. How could I have a miscarriage and not know? I'm not bleeding…"
"I know," the doctor said seriously. "It's called a missed miscarriage. Sometimes the body takes a long time to start the process of expelling the product of conception…it can take weeks…"
"Weeks?" Olivia asked. The doctor's description running through her mind…not her baby…just a product of conception.
"We can take care of it before then if you want," the doctor explained. "We can go in and surgically remove the remains of the pregnancy…or we can give you medication to start the process within a few hours…It might start on its own anyway, the back ache you've been describing is a sign it could happen any time…"
Olivia felt sick. She didn't know what to do. Her baby was gone, and she was listening to the doctor tell her the different things they could do to remove it from her body. All she could think about was that she'd let Elliot think she'd killed their child…and now the baby was dead. "I don't know what to do…" she cried.
"Maybe you should talk it over with someone," the doctor suggested. "Your boyfriend?"
She shook her head, "I don't have anyone."
The doctor looked sadly at her, "Okay…well if I were you…I'd choose the surgery or the medication. That way you can get it taken care of quickly. If you wait for things to progress naturally…you never know when it will happen and you could be at work and all of the sudden have debilitating cramps and heavy bleeding…I don't think you'd want that to happen."
"Which one is safer…the surgery or the medication?" she asked tearfully. She couldn't think straight and she just wanted someone to tell her what to do.
"They are both safe," the doctor assured her. "The medication route might be a little more painful during the process because of the contractions…but there is always a risk with surgery."
"Okay," she nodded, "I'll do the medication…"
"I can give you the prescription and you can take it at home," the doctor told her. "But you'll need someone with you. You can't be alone…in case you get faint or lose too much blood too quickly…"
"I don't have anyone!" Olivia shouted. "Why don't you understand that? I'm all alone…my baby's dead…and the baby was all I had…"
"Okay…" the doctor took her hand, squeezing it tight. "It's going to be okay. I'll admit you to the hospital then and we'll do it there. You can come in first thing in the morning…"
She walked toward the exit, her hospitalization orders in hand and she wanted to scream. She'd stopped crying, unable to form the tears anymore. She'd never felt a loss like this before…she was broken. Her face was pale as she pushed the door open, wondering if she should call a cab or attempt to walk home when she saw Amaro's car and remembered he was supposed to drive her. She walked to the car, opening the door and sliding into the seat beside him. He smiled at her, but then his face dropped when he looked in her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked.
She cleared her throat, holding in her tears, "There's no heartbeat…" she said, her voice lacking the emotion she felt. "I have to go into the hospital in the morning…I have to tell Cragen something…"
"Liv," he looked at her and wanted to cry. "Don't worry about Cragen…are you okay?"
She shook her head, "No…I don't think I'll ever be okay again."
She had tears in her eyes and Elliot stared at her in disbelief, "You lost the baby?" he asked sadly.
"I should have told you," she cried. "I'm so sorry…I was so hurt and I just couldn't face you after what you already thought about me."
"Liv…" he didn't know what to say. "I should have been there…you went through that by yourself…"
"I wanted you…" she admitted. "It was awful…and I wanted you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay…but it was my fault you weren't there. I knew that then…and I know it now."
"I should never have assumed you had an abortion," he sighed. "I knew you better than that. I guess I was looking for way to put an end to all of it…and I let myself believe something I knew in my heart wasn't true."
"I let you believe it," she reminded him. "And I made you start drinking to forget the pain of it all…"
"No…" he argued, "You didn't make me start drinking. I made that choice…and I let it get out of hand. And Liv…I'm the one who has to decided when it's time to commit to ending this…but I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I don't think I am ready to stop because as soon as I do…everything will become so much clearer…so much more painful…and I can't face that right now."
"I know," she admitted, leaning her head on his shoulder and letting her tears fall. She hadn't been that close to him in years and feeling his body pressed against hers was frightening.
She started to lift her head up, but then he put his arm around her and held her close, leaning forward and softly kissing her temple, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'll try…" he promised. "I could never take seeing you cry…"
She pulled away from him, her voice serious and stern, "You can't do this for me," she said honestly. "You have to do this for you…for your kids…but definitely not for me."
He lay back on the couch, "Will you stay with me?" he asked. "Until I fall asleep…if I fall asleep?"
"Sure…" she agreed, sitting back in the chair and clicking on the TV, but neither of them were watching it. They had too many painful thoughts invading their minds to focus on anything else.
More soon...