Chapt. 13

Shizuo had thought that being alone in his own house would be better than going out, walking through the streets, going to work; but he was dead wrong. Outside reminded him of Izaya, but so did his home. It seemed to be inscribed all over the walls, carved on the furniture. Everywhere.

He had been caged in his house for five days, five, and he was starting to feel all his resolve slip away. Long sleepless nights and endless days weren't doing him any good at all. He had had absolutely no contact whatsoever with the 'outside world', just holed up by himself.

Finally pulling himself off the sofa long enough to walk into the kitchen, he poked around the cabinets lifelessly. He had not eaten properly the last few days, choosing instead to laze around, drowning in his own misery; though he didn't know why he was feeling miserable. Shouldn't he be happy?

In the cabinet, he found a few cans of beer left over from the last time Tom had come over.

The last time Tom had come over, Izaya had too. And the last time Izaya came over, he...

Shizuo popped opened the first can and drank a mouthful. He grimaced as it burned his throat, but took another gulp no less, grabbing all the other cans and bringing it out to the living room, dumping them all out on the table. Another night alone was fine. He was fine. He finished the can in a matter of minutes, crushing it and flinging it to an unknown corner of the room once it was empty in favour of opening another one.

By the time he started to feel the buzz, after a couple of drinks, his doorbell rang.

Maybe it's Tom, he thought, staring hard at the door. With Izaya again. Maybe the spell didn't really wear off. Maybe the flea still loves-

He cut his own thoughts off, biting the inside of his cheeks. What was he thinking?

But the consistent ringing of the bell drove him to drag himself to the door, holding little hope in his heart that it was who he really wanted to see. It was shattered though, when the door opened to reveal a girl beaming brightly at him.

"Erika?" he said, surprised. And disappointed.

"Hi, Shizuo! Thought I would pay you a visit," she replied with glee before wrinkling her nose. "Oh God, you look terrible. You've got eye bags! And when was the last time you took a bath?" she frowned. "And is that beer on your breath?"

He knew he looked terrible, with dark rings around his eyes and he had indeed not bathed for a few days."Shut up," he muttered, not answering her questions.

But she paid no mind to that and pushed past the blonde, inviting herself in. Shizuo almost said something about it before she beat him to it.

"God, Shizuo! This place is a dump!" That much was true, he gave her that. "What have you been doing, drowning yourself in booze? Are you becoming an alcoholic just because Izaya kun doesn't follow you around like a lovesick puppy anymore?" The blonde winced at that. So people had noticed.

"Erika," he interrupted before she could say anymore. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

The girl frowned, kicking away empty cans to walk to the couch before sitting down and making herself comfortable. She cleared her throat. "Well, I thought I would come check on you since you and Izaya seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth."

"I don't need you to check on me, I'm doing fine."

"Evidently," she looked around before settling her eyes back on him.

Shizuo tched. "Besides, I'm NOT upset that that louse has stopped following me around. I'm happy as shit, that's why I'm having a celebration which you just rudely interrupted, so if you could just leave-"

"Stop it, Shizuo. We all know what's wrong, you don't have to act." she patted the spot next to her and Shizuo somehow found himself moving towards it, sitting down. He didn't have anymore arguments, no more excuses. "Everyone could tell how happy you were during that time, really, and I'm sure you could too." she placed her hand on his, squeezing gently. "Stop living in denial Shizuo. It's ruining you."

The blonde kept quiet. So it was true then, it was happiness he was feeling that time. It was comfort, it was need. He remembered when he stared in the raven's eyes, filled with so much longing. He remembered seeing his own reflection in those black orbs and seeing the exact same thing in his own eyes. But he dismissed it. He always did. Even now, all he did was convince himself otherwise. All he did was run away.

"You know," he began to speak slowly. "Izaya kissed me once." he'd expected a squeal or something from Erika, but she just nodded thoughtfully. He continued. "But I didn't feel the disgust I thought I would. I don't remember feeling much anything. And I managed to convince myself it was hatred. And that now that he's gone, I would be fine. Life would go back to normal." he paused, letting the words form on his lips. "But why do I feel so...lonely." the words tumbled out before going through his brain, before he even registered it. And by the time they were out, he knew there was no way he could take them back. But once they were out in the opened, and he heard it in his own voice, he knew, that was the truth.

Erika didn't say a word, as if knowing that he needed to think about things for a moment. The room was filled with silence, but somehow brimming with words as Shizuo struggled to put his thoughts in comprehensive order. He was still confused, but still knew exactly what was going on. He hated it, but there was no denying it anymore.

"You know, I think Izaya's just as upset as you are," the girl spoke finally, looking at the blonde.

Shizuo turned to look at her too. "What?"

"I went to visit him first before I came here because I felt like he would welcome me better, but he seemed a bit down. Like he missed you, probably."

Shizuo's eyes widened, he sat up a little straighter. "You mean the spell didn't wear off?"

"No, I'm sure it has."

"Then, you mean..."

Erika nodded, smiling slightly at the blonde.

"No," Shizuo turned away, frowning, eyebrows furrowed. He lit up a cigarette, taking a deep inhale before continuing. "I'm telling you it's impossible. He was probably 'down' because he found out he slept with me or something. The spell has worn off, he hates me again now and...and there's nothing I can do about it."

"What! I'm not going to sit here and watch you give up, Shizuo!" she stood up, plucking the stick out of his mouth aggressively, throwing it into the ashtray. "I've seen you with Izaya, and so have others. Even before the spell was cast on him, there was still that chemistry between you two, just that I guess it was impossible to admit in those situations. But now? You have him RIGHT in front of you! It's your choice, do you want to just let him go or what?"

"But me and him are supposed to be enemies."

"No one's supposed to be enemies in this world, Shizuo. You either go out there and make him yours or someone else will."

"I-it's tough, ok? I've spent so many years hating him. All we ever did when we saw each other was fight. We wanted to kill each other. This change...it's weird. I need to get used to it."

She crossed her arms. "You better get used to it soon."

There was silence for a moment, a slight pause, before Shizuo said something. Barely a whisper. "I can, but what if Izaya can't? I've been terrible to him."

Erika sighed and sat back down, patting his back. So even the monster of Ikebukuro had his doubtful moments. "Well, you won't know unless you go and find out for yourself right?"

He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"You know what to do, Shizuo," she replied, eyes fixed on him. "Go do it."