The strip was as beautiful and intimidating as ever. Ridley looked out the car window at the numerous twinkling neon lights with a hint of wonderment before she turned her attention back to her phone for the umpteenth time and fidgeted against the leather seat awkwardly.
Horatio glanced over at Ridley with a subdued smile as he saw her head tip down to her phone yet again. He understood her concern; it was the first time she had left Ellie after all. The redhead supposed it was the first time he had left Raymond Junior since becoming his guardian but that was different given Raymond didn't live with him. He felt another twinge of guilt at that thought, the boy was getting older by the day and was in desperate need of a steady, dependable male figure in his life.
Their driver, CSI Warrick Brown, glanced at them in the rear view mirror. The pair looked tired to the CSI and he admired their decision to see Nick before checking into their hotel. He was relieved to see them if only because they were running out of options with regards to Nick, and Warrick was willing to give anything to see his friend back to a semblance of normality. Nick was the optimistic member of their group, without his upbeat attitude work suddenly seemed ten times harder and grimmer. Now when they went to work Sara's jadedness and Warrick's realism won out and they had already assigned themselves to failure before they even began their cases.
It was another twenty minutes before they escaped the glitz of the strip and headed into Vegas suburbia. They arrived outside a modest looking single storey house with a small, neat, square patch of grass for a front garden. Warrick pulled his car up behind the black car sitting in the drive before he killed the engine and stepped out onto the stone drive.
Ridley sighed as she was forced to swap the cool, air conditioned car interior for the dead, dry air of the Nevada desert that managed to seep into the city. She stretched out, pushing her hands into her lower spine as she extended up onto her tiptoes slightly.
Horatio barely reacted to the heat as he stepped out calmly. Miami was always warm after all though it was admittedly more humid than Vegas. The redhead offered Warrick a brief, disarming smile and a half-nod, permitting him to lead the way.
Warrick hastened up to the off-white front door, which was in desperate need of a repainting, and pressed the doorbell. A shrill, electronic ring followed. After a couple minutes of awkward silence and staring around the porch they finally heard a voice call hoarsely, "who is it?"
"It's Warrick," Warrick answered loudly as he leaned against the door slightly to be more audible, "with Detective Moon and Lieutenant Caine."
There was the sound of chains rattling and several locks clicking before the door was finally opened. Ridley could barely hide her surprise at seeing what Nick Stokes had deteriorated into. When she had first met the young CSI he had been a well-groomed, tanned, good looking man who had easily fit the stereotypical bill of tall, dark and handsome, now he was a shadow of that. He had grown an uneven beard, his skin was a sickly white, his sunken, brown eyes were dull and nervous, his hair was greasy and in need of a trim and there was an unpleasant smell of stale sweat and desert radiating from him.
Nick barely seemed to register his visitors even as he stepped back to allow them entry.
"Hi Nick," Warrick said quietly as he led the way into the house. "I guess Catherine's running late again."
Horatio tensed slightly at the name. Warrick had informed them that the second-in-command of Vegas' CSI should be here but the redhead still hadn't figured out how he would or should react to her presence. He supposed he should be grateful for the reprieve thanks to her running late but now it meant she would have the element of surprise on him.
"Hello," Ridley greeted warmly as she offered Nick a faint, nervous smile.
Warrick headed for the living room. He paused in the doorway and shook his head. The room was in partial darkness but what he could see of it was not hospitable. Drinks cans, wrappers and dirty plates littered the room, dust clung to the furniture like a second skin and cobwebs decorated every corner. He did a u-turn, almost colliding with Horatio and gestured up the corridor. "Let's try the kitchen," he murmured, "I'm sure you two would appreciate a coffee."
They reached the kitchen but while the living room was cluttered the kitchen was bare. Warrick couldn't find anything in the cupboards- no coffee, no sugar and no alternatives. Worse, the fridge had a sickening odour seeping out of it and the few contents it bore had all expired. Warrick swallowed down a curse as he shook his head again. "I'll give Catherine a call," he informed the Miami pair, "how do you like your coffee?"
"I'll take a cappuccino," Ridley answered brightly.
"Americano suits me," Horatio retorted.
"Good, maybe she'll be nice and throw in some doughnuts too," Warrick jested as he tugged out his mobile and hastened back up the corridor.
Nick stood in the centre of the kitchen awkwardly, his eyes darting from the dusty window to the greasy floor.
"Sorry to impose like this," Ridley said gently, "Catherine said you would prefer a house visit."
Nick looked over at her vacantly. "How do you sleep?" he demanded suddenly. "Don't you feel suffocated in the dark? When you close your eyes don't you feel yourself slowly crushed in that box? Like you never left, like you were never found."
Ridley looked back at him in surprise; she had not been expecting him to be so forthcoming.
'Ridley never wanted to talk about it,' Horatio thought dryly, 'but here's Mr Stokes willing to volunteer.' He kept his azure stare on Ridley, already determining that if it got too much he would immediately terminate the tense reunion. He had already vowed this to himself privately before Speed had wrangled a verbal promise of the same from him. Horatio could see that Nick Stokes was indeed desperate for help but he wasn't going to see Ridley's well-being deteriorate in an attempt to aid him.
Ridley nodded at last even as she crossed her arms and looked nervous. "I...I didn't sleep for a while and then I only slept with medication," she confessed. "There were nightmares, all the time and sometimes I couldn't even tell if I was awake or dreaming or...or if maybe the escape was the dream."
Nick nodded numbly before he scowled and turned away to face the fridge. "Do you ask why?" he queried hoarsely. "Why you? Why your life went to shit?"
"All the time, even now," she answered pragmatically. "I assume it was because I was the detective on his case, he tortured and murdered my partner and felt I deserved the same fate." She sucked in a breath and stared at the floor.
Horatio tensed when he heard Ridley take another breath and then another. Every breath came deep and fast. "Ridley." He stepped forward and gripped her left arm gently.
Ridley flinched and looked up at her superior in horror before her grey-brown gaze melted into relief. "Sorry," she muttered as she pulled away from him. "I just, I wasn't prepared for this I don't think, not like this."
Nick turned suddenly to give her a savage look. "Prepared for this?" he snarled. "How can you prepare for this?" he demanded as he took a step up to her. "Did you really think you could say a few words and make it all better? I don't want to hold onto this, I don't!" He thumped his chest hard with his right hand as his brown eyes filled with tears. "I can't get it out of my head though! Light or air, air or light, like a damn experiment! Never one or the other, on and off, on and off, I had to choose the darkness." He shook his head as the tears escaped and trickled down his cheeks. "I had to choose it," he croaked out, "to keep breathing."
Ridley nodded empathetically. "I do understand," she reassured him, "and honestly, you're already coping better than I did by talking about it."
"Talking doesn't help," Nick grumbled.
"It does but you've got to really think about what you're saying and confront what happened to you, acknowledge it and own it," Ridley advised. "It's one thing talking about what happened to you like you're reciting a script, another to discuss it like you're living through it all over it again and yet another thing to talk about it as it is, something that happened to you, not something that is still happening to you." She pushed back some of dark hair and gave the Texan a small, tired smile. "Look I'll stay as long as you like and talk as much as you want but maybe we should bring some structure to the conversation. I mean, why don't we take a seat and you tell me how you're feeling right now, right in this instance?"
Ridley gestured to the round table with three wooden seats at it. Horatio caught Warrick's questioning stare from the corridor and nodded to him before he subtly slipped out of the kitchen to join the Vegas CSI.
"Catherine will only be another ten minutes," Warrick murmured to the redhead. He glanced back to the kitchen. "Should we leave them alone?" he queried.
"Let's give them a little space," Horatio replied quietly.
Warrick sighed and nodded again. "Alright but that means the living room and I really can't vouch for the sanitary conditions of that room."
Horatio smiled at this. "We've both known worse I'm sure," he said softly.
Warrick cracked a grin at this before he led the way back to the living room leaving the kitchen to Nick and Ridley.
During the tense ten minute wait Nick and Ridley barely conversed. Nick just mumbled that he was tired and had said all he wanted to on the matter for the evening. Ridley, equally tired, accepted his decision with a calming nod.
When Catherine arrived with some much needed refreshments they all regrouped in the kitchen. After another twenty minutes of idle chitchat Catherine suggested taking the Miami CSIs out for dinner for old time's sake.
"Why don't you come too Nicky?" Catherine suggested.
"No thanks," Nick was quick to dismiss the suggestion.
"You could do with getting out of this place," Warrick remarked critically.
"It can be good to get out," Ridley said gently before Nick could snap a retort. She met his worried gaze and gave a small smile. "He's not out there," she commented softly, "not anymore. I know how hard that is to believe but it's true and you staying in trying to keep safe when really you're just isolating yourself, that's letting him win. Look, we'll be in a crowd, all of us and none of us are going to let you out of our sight. Besides, it's easier to talk in a more upbeat environment. I always think it was easier for me to unload on the beach after a few drinks with Tim, Calleigh, Eric, and," she glanced over at Horatio fondly, "sometimes Horatio on a rare evening."
The redhead gave the woman a brief flicker of a smile before he nodded. He was very conscious of the questioning, lingering stares Catherine had given him. Although they were still on talking terms despite her going to Ridley against his wishes he didn't think it was something he was willing to forget. He was also certain that if Ridley and Nick's meeting backfired on Ridley in any way he was liable to never forgive Catherine for her involvement either. Then there was another matter, a memory conjured by Ridley's mentioning of time spent on the beach. A raven haired woman with soft, golden skin, a warm, contagious smile and bright, brown eyes that seemed filled with a secret happiness.
Nick sighed and scraped both his hands through his messy dark hair.
"Come on Nicky," Catherine urged sweetly, "they've come all this way and you know it's only right that we show them the town again."
"Alright," he muttered with a nod, "let me get ready then."
"We should probably go to our hotel and do the same," Horatio murmured.
"Well I'll take you there," Catherine offered as she stood up, "and Warrick can bring Nick and meet us for dinner."
"Where?" Warrick queried.
Catherine shrugged and smiled. "I'll give a Sam a call; see if he can fix us up on short notice. At least that way we can get privacy in an otherwise crowded place. I'll text you the details when I know."
"That'll do, see you soon," Warrick replied.
Catherine nodded and led the way down the hall. "See you soon," Ridley repeated Warrick's words to Nick. "Dinner will be fun," she assured.
Nick nodded but didn't reply as he watched her and the redhead go.
"It will be fun," Warrick echoed once they were out of earshot, "grumpy's not with them for a change."
"I thought you made up with Speedle," Nick retorted as he looked at the dark skinned male with puzzlement.
"I did," Warrick confessed, "but he is still grumpy. It's just his nature, ask Chris."
It was just after seven o'clock that Ridley rang Tim while waiting for Horatio to come and let her know that their lift had arrived. "Hey Tim," she greeted warmly when he picked up, "how are you guys?"
"We're alright," Tim murmured, "Ellie's refusing to go to bed as usual."
"Dada?" Ellie's voice called.
Ridley tensed at the voice and felt tears burn at her eyes. It was completely stupid and she knew it was but this was the first time she had properly been away from her daughter. "She's got Humpty Dumpty right?" she queried softly as she tried to keep her sudden grief from her voice.
"Of course," Tim replied like it was obvious, "and her wolf, and daddy's about to read Hey Diddle Diddle for the third time," he added dryly.
Ridley smiled at this. "I'm sorry Tim," she murmured, "I know it's hard and pretty selfish of me to do this but I-"
"It's not selfish," Tim interrupted, "and I can handle it. What about Stokes, have you met him yet?"
"Yes," Ridley answered, "and he's a mess but better than I was after...well after." She dipped her head slightly and thumbed away a tear from her right eye. "I really think I can help him and hopefully it will help me too."
"Hopefully," Tim repeated non-committantly. "Just promise Ridley that if it starts to go the other way you will come home without hesitation."
"I promise Tim," Ridley retorted.
The door started knocking and Ridley looked to it accusingly. She had barely had any time on the phone with Tim and had not even gotten to ask him to put Ellie on. "I've got to go, Horatio's here," she explained. "We're heading out for dinner."
"Okay, try not to have too much fun," Tim teased in a sardonic voice.
"Without you? Impossible," Ridley replied mockingly. "Anyway, I love you and tell Ellie I love her and goodnight."
"Sure thing, we love you too Ridley and remember, I'm only a phone call away, you need me to come get you, you ring."
"I will." The door knocked again and Ridley sighed. "Bye Tim."
"Bye."
Ridley hung up the phone and hastened to open the door to greet a dapper looking Horatio. "Sorry, I was speaking to Tim," she explained. She turned to the table by the door and snatched her silver and crystal clutch purse up from it.
"It's your first time away from Ellie, I understand," the redhead replied sympathetically.
Ridley nodded as she pulled the door closed and double checked that it was sealed securely. Horatio offered her his arm and she accepted with a smile and allowed him to escort her to the elevator. They were on the tenth floor and it did not take long for them to reach the lobby and escape to Vegas' night air.
"No way," Ridley gasped in awe as they stepped out of the hotel to be greeted by Catherine leaning against a limousine.
"Sam insisted," Catherine explained. "He's also insisted we have a VIP dinner all expenses paid."
"Who's Sam?" Horatio quipped.
"Sam Braun," Catherine retorted, "a family friend." She stepped to one side and gestured to the open limo door. "Shall we?"
Ridley didn't need to be asked twice. She hastened forward into the limo, marvelling at its plush, leather seats, tinted windows and blue strobe lighting. For a brief moment as they sped through Las Vegas she forgot her stress and woes. Although she wished Tim, Calleigh and Eric could be with her to share the moment she was still happy just to have the experience.
"You've got to admit we know how to do things in style here," Catherine remarked to Horatio coyly as she leaned back in her seat. She was dressed in a flattering, low cut, green, silk dress that emphasised her curves and showed off her enviable tanned legs.
"You certainly do," Horatio retorted calmly as he kept his stare on the view outside.
Catherine banished her miffed look as she glanced from the redhead to Ridley. 'She seems fine with being here and she came of her own volition so why is he still mad about it?' she pondered. 'What is it about him and Ridley anyway? He's not just her boss...'
It was another hour before everyone was comfortably settled in a private booth in a restaurant in the Tangiers casino. Nick looked about the place with an obvious unease, showing a dislike for the raised booths behind them as he kept swinging his head to look around his booth.
"Do you want to swap seats?" Warrick queried tiredly. He was against the wall beside Nick and opposite Horatio.
"No," Nick muttered without looking at his friend.
"It's safe here," Ridley murmured, just audible over the music and casual conversation of other diners.
Nick gave her an icy, sunken eyed stare. "Nowhere is ever truly safe, hasn't the job taught you that?" he quipped savagely.
Ridley withheld a frown. "You can't think like that or you will be paranoid forever. You know from the job that statistically the horrid things that occur aren't that high, not in the greater scheme of things, and many crimes are the result of personal grudges. Our job puts us in danger and that's the way of it, what you have to decide is if the job's worth it."
Nick gritted his teeth and swallowed down a retort as their starters were served.
Throughout the starter and the main course the conversation was minimal and mostly between Catherine, Warrick and Horatio. When they finally finished their main serving and relaxed with drinks Nick finally spoke again.
"How do you manage it? What keeps you going?"
"My friends and family," Ridley replied gently. "Tim, Horatio, Calleigh, and Eric all came to see me in the hospital; they kept me going even when I didn't always want to keep to going."
"And the after? When you were first alone?"
"That was hard," Ridley admitted, "and there were a few nights when I couldn't cope. There were nights when I didn't bother to sleep, there were nights when I had Tim coming to my door at three in the morning because I'd phoned him in tears and even..." She paused and sucked in a breath, bowing her head slightly as her cheeks turned a faint pink. "There were nights when I found myself on Horatio's porch because I did not feel safe. Then I tried to block it out with medication, God knows the therapy certainly didn't help. I went back to work for a distraction but I went back too soon, I can admit that now. It was so hard being at home without the distraction." She clenched her hands slightly on the table.
"When you've nothing to think about except what happened," Nick concluded bitterly.
"It fades, it never goes away completely but it does fade," Ridley assured. "And you will find your reasons to keep going and you will find things that make you happy and you will be glad that you did keep pushing."
"What do you have?"
"I told you," Ridley answered with a smile, "friends and family." She reached for her clutch, opened it up and tugged out her purse. From her purse she tugged out a small photograph of Tim holding Ellie. Tim was wearing dark shades and had barely managed a smile for the shot whilst Ellie was looking up at her father fondly and caught mid gurgle.
"Catherine said you had a kid, what's her name again?" Nick queried as he looked at the photograph.
"Ellie."
Nick offered a faint smile at that. "How did you pick that name?" He attempted to show an interest and welcome a distraction from their previous grim topic.
"Eric and Calleigh," Ridley confessed, "it's the closest name we could get that was a combination of the two."
Nick's smile widened at this and he nodded.
"I know how hard it gets," Ridley remarked seriously, "I do and I know how sometimes you think you've finally got there and then all it takes is one thing to set you back again but trust me, the good will outweigh the bad. You've got so many good friends to keep you going Nick and you have so much to live for and so much of life still to enjoy. You're great at your job so don't throw it away just yet."
Nick nodded even as he fell quiet again.
They finally concluded their drinks and Nick insisted on calling it a night. An exhausted Ridley and Horatio agreed and they separated. Horatio and Ridley returned to their hotel in the limo with Catherine whilst Warrick took Nick home.
When they arrived at the hotel Ridley stepped out first followed by Horatio. The redhead turned back before Catherine could follow. He placed one hand on the doorframe and leaned in to the blonde. "Thank you for a pleasant evening," he said sincerely.
Catherine looked up at him calmly, holding back the hurt from her face. "I'm not getting an invite for coffee am I?" she queried wryly.
Horatio shook his head with a flicker of a smile to soften the rejection.
"Is it because of Ridley?" she queried quietly.
Horatio looked surprised at this for a moment as he tried to think of an answer.
"Because I risked her well being for Nick's?"
Horatio frowned a little. "That's not entirely it," he confessed.
Catherine raised a golden eyebrow at this. "But that's part of it. I've never understood your relationship with Detective Moon and I suppose I never shall. So what's the other part? Have you met someone?"
The smile was back with a hint of embarrassment in his cerulean stare. "Yes. Goodnight Catherine."
"Goodnight Horatio, I'll see you both tomorrow."
The redhead nodded before he leaned back and shut the door. He headed into the hotel to Ridley who was waiting in the lobby studying the fliers. "How are you?" he queried gently.
"I'm good," she answered with a reassuring smile, "it wasn't easy but I think I'm getting through to him and if I am then it's worth it."
Horatio nodded. "Well if it gets too much all you have to do is say Ridley."
"I know." She nodded and hugged her shoulders briefly. "He kept trying to sneak into my head," she swallowed hard, "not the violet eyed man, I thought it would be him but it was Hawkes. I almost mentioned him and then I remembered no one really knows about that."
"I do," Horatio reminded her, "you can talk to me about him anytime you want."
They headed into the lift and Horatio pressed the button for their floor.
"You're the only one who met him," Ridley said softly once the doors were closed, "even Tim can't put a face to the name, not really."
Horatio chilled at her words though he kept it from his face. 'He can,' he thought solemnly.
"Do you remember?" she queried quietly. "Was he such a monster? I don't think he's how I remember him, it was hard, it was so dark down there. I keep pushing to see; I try to force myself to look so I can remind myself that he was just human in the end."
"Is it important to you to remember him?" Horatio pried.
Ridley nodded. "If I keep thinking of him as a monster then it gets hard, at first it made it easy because monsters are hard to defeat so I could justify my own inability to escape him for so long but... Now I think if I see him for the human he was then maybe that makes it easier because humans are fragile, we're mortal, we can be hurt and we can be killed." She shook her head. "Sorry, I'm not making sense."
"Yes you are," Horatio murmured as he extended a hand to squeeze her right shoulder.
Ridley looked up at him meeting his stare with a serious look. "What was he like, to you?"
'Like his son,' Horatio thought numbly, 'a natural blonde, same jaw line, same nose, different eye colour but the same stare.'
"Just another crook," Horatio answered dismissively.
"Right," Ridley bowed her head, "of course, it was years ago and there have been so many criminals since. I just thought maybe...I mean you knew it was him, right? You always knew." She glanced up at him again.
"Yes," Horatio confessed.
"But you didn't get him and you've always said in Miami that we never close, we never forget them until we get them. Oh God I'm sorry, I'm starting to sound accusatory aren't I?" She broke from him and shook her head again. "I'm sorry, I don't mean it like that Horatio, I really don't. I mean I got closure with him in the end."
"Who pulled the trigger?" Horatio asked suddenly. "Who killed Hawkes?"
Ridley tensed at the question. The lift binged before she could answer. The doors opened and Ridley escaped to the corridor. Horatio followed, knowing his question wasn't going to be answered.
Ridley glanced over her shoulder at her superior. "Could I sit with you for a while?" she queried quietly.
Horatio nodded with a warm smile. "Of course Ridley." He took the lead to his quarters. He opened the door and Ridley followed him into a large sitting area.
The younger detective realised she had never even really queried who was footing the bill for this. She had intended on paying for her quarters of course and her plane tickets but Horatio had insisted that it was all taken care of. At first she had thought he might have pushed it through as a work venture but then she realised the likes of Stetler might have been all over that and accusing Horatio of abusing Miami-Dade funding. 'So who paid then?' she wondered curiously.
Ridley took a seat on the plush grey-purple couch whilst Horatio made a beeline for the mini bar. He decided if Ridley was going to be asking about Hawkes then he was going to need a drink. How long had he obsessed over that name and face? Even after he had transferred from New York to Miami he had never forgotten that man. He had never forgotten anyone who had escaped justice.
'We never close,' Horatio thought bitterly, 'except we did. I left New York with how many open cases?'
The redhead presented Ridley with a tumbler of whiskey as he occupied a seat beside her. The brunette accepted the drink and took a grateful sip. She let out a sigh and slumped back against the couch slightly. Only now was it starting to sink in just how trying it had been to discuss Nick's trauma with him whilst bringing up her own.
"I don't want to have nightmares anymore," Ridley confessed. "I don't want Ellie to ever ask what her mummy's screaming about, I want to be normal by the time she gets old enough to start to take in these things."
Horatio looked over at Ridley sympathetically. "Ellie's going to grow up knowing how brave and strong her mother is," he countered, "and she's going to be so proud of you."
Ridley gave him a smile in answer before she took another sip. "I hope so."
"I know so Ridley."