Part 2: Noise of Dreams
(1916-1919)
ON the idle hill of summer,
Sleepy with the flow of streams,
Far I hear the steady drummer
Drumming like a noise of dreams.
Far and near and low and louder
On the roads of earth go by,
Dear to friends and food for powder,
Soldiers marching, all to die.
-A.E. Houseman. XXXV. On the idle hills of summer, 1896
Introduction
The time between November, 1916 and April, 1919 marked an increase of direct contact between Matthew and Mary. As the war stretched on and the supply of volunteers grew thin, Parliament introduced the Military Service Act of 1916, providing for the conscription of single men. This was met with much public disapproval. To combat the general unease and to boost morale, distinguished representatives within the army were sent back from the front lines to help with this effort. The now battle-hardened Lieutenant and soon to be Captain Matthew Crawley was among them.
Accordingly, the nature of their correspondence changed. Rather than continue sending letters to each other, back and forth from Yorkshire to France, the majority of their written communication during this period took the form of secret notes left in hidden locations all around the house before, after, and in between official and unofficial visits. These letters, if they can be called such, for they are not dated and those keen on form and language will notice that they far different than that of earlier writings, were given to me by Mary herself, whom had them stashed away in a secret lock box.
Written by Matthew Crawley, left on Mary's bed, the night he brought Lavinia to Downton
Dearest Mary,
I haven't much time to write this before I am found missing and I feel as though I have so much to say. Chief among my thoughts, I want to say that I am deeply grateful for your kind and warm reception of Lavinia. She was quite intimidated by the prospect of meeting you all. She is a sweet girl and I hope that in time you will get to know her and love her.
Secondly, I know that the last time we spoke, I left things uneasy between us. I hope you will find it within your heart to forgive me. It was never my intention to hurt you, quite the opposite. To be honest, this last year of silence has been more difficult for me than I expected. I thought it noble to leave you out of my troubles and a part of me still agrees with my former decision but I must admit, I've forgotten how easy and how wonderful it is to simply talk with you in person.
Anyways, I shouldn't ramble. But there is one thing I would like you to know. I've fought myself, many times before, wondering if I should even tell you. You should understand that I mean not to lead you on by this. Even if it isn't proper to say out loud, that while I love Lavinia dearly, she has not replaced you in my memories or my heart. And you must know that despite our complicated past, you are still very dear to me and a part of me will always love you.
Sincerely,
Matthew
Written by Mary Crawley, hidden in a secret pocket of the lucky charm she gave to Matthew before he returned to the front.
Dearest Matthew,
I wonder if we are brave. That is to say, I know that you are, obviously. But why is it that we can only truly speak our minds and our feelings through ink and paper? Is it that we are afraid of the look on our faces afterwards? Is it that we still don't fully trust each other anymore? Why must we speak like this? Why must we put ourselves through this tortured game?
Alright, if it be so, then let me be honest in the way it seems we only are through these letters. I am angry with you, Matthew. I am angry that you dismissed me in London last August. I am angry that you have not returned my letters for a year. And I am very much angry that you showed up at Downton with Lavinia without any advance warning. Did you know that I had to hear about all of this through Edith?
And you cannot do this, Matthew. You cannot marry another woman and still tell me that a part of you still loves me. It's not fair. Whatever your intentions, for I know that they are always noble, you know that if you give me hope, I will hold onto that hope until the end of time itself. You know this, first and foremost, you know that I am stubborn.
But despite all of this, truly and honestly, I am glad. I'm glad that you found happiness. And despite my best efforts, I like Lavinia and of course I will take care of her if anything should happen to you. You know, all I've ever wanted for you is happiness.
You must think me crazy, being angry and glad for you all at once. Sometimes I think that myself. But I can only write these things because I genuinely feel this way. And I will admit, that perhaps these last two days have not been long enough for me to process this recent whirlwind of events.
Regardless...
[unsigned]