Title: You could drown in those eyes, I said

Fandom: Highlander/Marvel movies

Disclaimer: not my characters; title from Richard Siken

Warnings: post-Cap2 and Highlander.

Pairings: Methos/ex-Winter Soldier, past Steve/Bucky,

Rating: PG

Wordcount: 1340

Point of view: third

Prompt: any, any, A lie can run around the world six times while the truth is still trying to put on its pants.

"I'm not Bucky," Benjamin says, settling onto the sand beside Steve. Steve's sketching the sunrise; he and Bucky never had the chance to have a conversation about all the colors the serum let Steve see. If Benjamin didn't have other things to discuss, he'd ask, now. Instead, he'll ask later.

"I know you're not," Steve replies without looking up from shading the right pink onto a cloud.

"Bucky loved you." Benjamin looks down at his mismatched hands. Bucky Barnes had been a good man. He's not sure he can ever live up to Bucky, but he is trying.

"I loved Bucky," Steve says, sounding wistful. "I still do." His hand pauses and Benjamin doesn't look up to meet the gaze he feels. "But I'm your friend, Benjamin. Not because you used to be Bucky, but because of who you are."

The words are sincere; Benjamin doesn't need Bucky or the asset to tell him so. He can feel it, in the bones Hydra let him keep. The words are sincere and kindly meant, but they still hurt.

Even after all the days of kindness with Matthew and Steve, he still does not know how to handle it.

"You can…" He is not sure how to phrase it; his research was not much help. None of the options sounded correct and he did not dare ask Matthew.

There have been no punishments, since he met Matthew. He had nearly killed Matthew on the third day, a violent reaction to a gentle touch on the shoulder. He might have even killed Matthew entirely, had the lightning flickering its way up Matthew's shattered torso not distracted him, broken him from the asset's fear.

Even for that, Matthew did not punish him. Had instead sat with him for hours, telling a story of four brother kings who traveled from ocean to ocean and had many adventures.

He is (almost) sure that Matthew would not punish him for what he wants to offer Steve. But should Matthew become angry, he will take all the punishment so that Steve has to suffer none.

"If you…" He shakes his head, because that is not right, either.

"Benjamin," Steve says, setting the sketchpad and pencil onto the sand, turning to face Benjamin (though Benjamin still does not look up), and gently taking both of Benjamin's hands with his. "Whatever it is, you can tell me or ask me."

"You loved Bucky," Benjamin says in a rush. "I can be him for a little while. If you want." The memories are there to guide him and he can slip in to the shadow, let the ghost out for a little while.

Steve doesn't move; even his fingers, warm around Benjamin's, still. He holds his breath and Benjamin looks up to his face. Steve is –

Crying. No.

Benjamin doesn't know how to deal with anyone crying; the asset always ignored tears, so it is no help, but Bucky—

"Stevie, sweetheart, hey, what's wrong?" Bucky asks, leaning in to kiss the tears away. "It'll all be fine, you know that."

Steve jerks away, lunging to his feet, and takes off down the beach, leaving behind his sketchpad and pencils. Benjamin carefully collects them, letting Bucky fade back into the shadows.

.

He confesses to Matthew. Whatever punishment he has earned, he will accept.

Bewilderingly (or not, since there has been no punishment for any other mistake), Matthew does not punish him. Instead, Matthew leads him to their bed and tells him to get comfortable, then wraps around him and asks softly, "Do you know what you did wrong?"

Benjamin considers. Finally, he suggests, "I offered what is yours to another?"

Matthew shakes his head; Benjamin feels the motion behind him, keeping his eyes closed, body tucked in as tight as possible against Matthew's. "You are your own, brother. I am possessive, yes, but I'll not shackle you the way your masters did. I'll welcome you always, and if you leave, I'll follow discretely to keep you safe. But if you want to bed Captain Rogers, you can. If you want to be his friend, you already are." He presses a kiss to the back of Benjamin's head. "You offered him a lie, Benjamin. He knows Bucky Barnes is dead, that you are not Bucky Barnes. He is not at peace with it; he probably never will be. But you offered to pretend to be his dead lover and he probably wanted to accept."

"Why didn't he?" Benjamin asks. He would have willingly worn the mask, given Steve anything he desired.

Matthew sighs into Benjamin's neck. "Because the lie would've faded," he murmurs. "You would have put Bucky aside and become Benjamin again."

"Oh." He can't wear the mask forever, but if Steve wanted, for hours here and there – but that would be cruel, wouldn't it?

Oh, Stevie, I'm sorry, Bucky whispers from his corner of Benjamin's mind.

"He's going to be angry," Benjamin says. If Matthew doesn't want to punish him, Steve might –

You know better than that, Bucky protests. His ghost is loud today. Probably because Benjamin purposefully called him up.

Oh, but he's been so cruel to both Bucky and Steve today.

"Give him time," Matthew counsels. "Let us sleep, now. Tomorrow will come soon enough and you can track him down for apologies."

Steve loved Bucky. Benjamin thinks that Steve likes him well enough, but would he – Bucky loved Steve. Benjamin thinks what he feels might be love.

Maybe if he offers as Benjamin?

.

Steve is back at the same spot the next afternoon, with the same sketchpad, though turned to a different picture.

"That's me," Benjamin says in shock, staring down. Steve's only drawn Bucky before.

"Please don't do that again," Steve says. He doesn't look up.

"I won't," Benjamin promises. "I'm sorry. I just… I wanted to do something nice for you. And you love him. And you miss him."

Steve sighs heavily. His fingers still on the page. "I don't know how Matthew explained it to you, you and the asset and Bucky. But I don't see you as three separate people, any more than the little guy I was and who I am now are different. They're both me." He glances up at Benjamin and then out over the water. "I can't be that guy again, even if sometimes I want to go back. You're Benjamin. But you're also the asset and Bucky Barnes. People change. Sometimes they can go back and sometimes they can't. Sometimes they shouldn't." He shrugs. "Maybe you can become Bucky again, if only for a little while. But I won't ask that of you unless you want it."

He turns to completely face Benjamin, leaning back to ask, "Do you?"

"No," Benjamin confesses, hanging his head in shame.

Steve rises to his feet. Benjamin does not shy back because he will take whatever Steve thinks he deserves. Steve reaches out to cup his face with both hands and says, "Look at me, Benjamin."

Benjamin slowly lifts his gaze to Steve's blue blue eyes and is distraught at the tears he finds. "I can," he says, "if you need –"

Steve shakes his head but his hands remain firm, his palms warm on Benjamin's skin. "You are still Bucky where it matters, Benjamin. I promise. I knew him my whole life and I've known you for long enough – you're him and he's you, and I'll take whatever you want to give me. But that's the thing, Benjamin." He leans forward to rest their foreheads together. "You have to want it. Don't give me anything because you think you have to or because I want it." Steve pulls away, lets his hands drop.

The words are on the tip of Benjamin's tongue as Steve slowly gathers his sketchpad and the pencils. He could say them. He could ask Steve to take him to bed, could show Steve how much he's learned since he was Bucky.

Steve smiles at him and trudges towards the bungalow. Benjamin turns to watch the waves, the words unsaid.