Sorry for the delay (once again), sorry! I've had so many exams these last few weeks, so that's my excuse for my lousy updates. Also I am having trouble with the new formatting system. But I'm glad your all here and still enjoying the story. Once again, all my thanks to guest00 for both beta reading and being my literary guide through American culture and what not. Anyway, onwards.
Jane hated herself. She hated that instead of sitting Maura down and talking, she had allowed her to throw herself at her. Their first time had been aggressive and quick in the dark. They hadn't even taken all their clothes off, and Jane hated it, because the hopeless romantic in her had wanted for them to take their time.
She'd wanted to take Maura somewhere fancy, and Maura would have worn green. Maura knows how Jane likes her in green. After they would have taken a walk along the bay, and Maura would shiver so Jane would, in Maura's mind, chivalrously wrap her jacket around her shoulders, but in actual fact that would be her excuse to keep an arm clamped around her woman. Then she'd get to feel Maura's hair tickling her nose, that she knows would smell like flowers with a hint of peach, from the ridiculously expensive shampoo that Maura uses. They might stop a while, to admire how the moon reflected of the water. Maura would quote some writer from 18th century literature that Jane had never heard of, but she'd smile anyway and kiss Maura's temple, because she finds it absolutely adorable how her hazel eyes glaze over when she babbles.
That's how they'd spend the evening, Maura's jabbering combined with soft kisses. It would stop when Maura checks her watch and sees that 'it's late', so they'd head back to the car. Jane would begrudgingly let Maura drive, because, apparently, she drives like a 'psychotic idiot'. Lights from passing houses would illuminate their faces, each one revealing different glances between the two women. One would be them with flushed cheeks, heads thrown back in laughter. The next would be concentrated, as Maura made a turning onto a busy intersection, and Jane studied her facial profile. Then there would be the one of embarrassment, when Jane recalled how once she got rammed by a sheep because she'd tried to ride it, and had subsequently broken her tailbone. Jane's favourite would come last, when they pulled up to the house, and their eyes would meet without the shyness that usually comes with an invitation in, but with stark confidence and appreciation because these two women knew each other so well, that no words are needed.
Formalities involving babysitter payments out the way, Maura would grasp Jane's hand, and lead her upstairs. Jane may or may not admire a very well sculpted ass on the way up. They'd pause at the door covered in butterfly and princess stickers, so that they could check on their daughter. Maura's daughter. They would check on Maura's daughter. After they heard a not so little snore, they'd both lightly laugh under their breath, and their eyes would meet again. Wordlessly they'd walk towards Maura's pale blue room.
For a moment they'd stand in eerie calmness of Maura's dimly lit bedroom, before all the passion of the weeks of build-up reached it pinnacle, and they would collide in a mixture of lust and devotion in every kiss. Desperate hands would clutch at backs, leaving marks. Other marks would be left on skin by sucking lips. Breathlessly they would fall onto the bed, and with shaky hands, from both adrenaline and slight nervousness, Jane would slowly pull down the zip covering Maura's back, kissing the newly found skin.
They would sleep together, knowing that it was the beginning, and when it was over they would be wrapped up in one another's arms in blissful happiness. It would have meaning. It shouldn't have been what it was. It shouldn't have been fast and angry, and right now Maura shouldn't have her back to her, and Jane shouldn't be awake, wondering what she should have done.
Maybe she had done what was right. Maybe that was what Maura needed. Maybe making Maura feel pleasure was the only way to stop her pain. So why did Jane feel like she had betrayed her? She didn't feel good, or happy, or anything that she was supposed to, she felt violated.
She squeezed her eyes together, looking for, hoping for the oblivion of sleep, but tattooed on the back of her eyelids where the words, 'Garrett Fairfield.' She couldn't take it. Maura's thick sheets were making her feel claustrophobic. She was trapped. She couldn't breathe. She had to get out. Abruptly Jane threw back to the sheets, cringing when she looked over at Maura, but let out a breath when surprisingly, she hadn't stirred.
As gently as possible, Jane eased out of the bed. She tiptoed around to Maura's side, and placing a hand on a pale cheek ran her thumb across Maura's cheekbone. The normally sound sleeper had a frown squeezed onto her delicate features, seeing that, Jane knew that they shouldn't have done it. So she hated herself even more.
Worrying that she couldn't stand there and stare at Maura without crying; she turned around, and plodded out the door. Unaware of where her feet were taking her, Jane finally snapped out of it, in time to get into the chair next to Holly's bed, rather than trip into it.
When the little girl began to fret in her sleep, Jane put her hand on her back, soothingly running it up and down until finally Holly was settled again. Does she get that from him? Maura always sleeps on her back, Holly sleeps on her front. Maybe it's a Fairfield thing? Or maybe you should remember what Maura said, she is an Isles, that man has nothing to do with her. But I can't just pretend that Holly doesn't have a father.
Jane was starting to get irritated; she was annoyed that Maura wouldn't tell her what was wrong. She was furious that Fairfield had hurt her. She was pissed that she was a detective, yet had no idea what she had gotten herself into. There was a niggling voice at the back of her mind telling her to leave, but she couldn't, because there was this other, much louder, clearer voice, that sounded suspiciously like her mother, telling her to stay. You leave Jane Rizzoli, then you're no better than him. You leave than you'll just be like all those other people that have ever hurt her. She had this sinking feeling that Garrett hadn't been the only damage in Maura's life. Her parents hadn't showed up for Holly's birthday, in fact no one had, until Jane had put together the party. Before Jane it was just the two of them, alone, and she would be damned if they were ever alone again.
With new found strength Jane moved from her seat, and headed toward Maura's office. She wiped the few tears that she'd allow to slip out from her cheeks with the back of her hand, before falling into the plush chair next to the desk. Taking a deep breath she turned on the desk lamp, then the computer. Another deep breath later, she typed in the name.
His picture popped up first, slicked back hair and a grin. Sure he was good-looking, in a sleazy kind of way, but smirking in front of a sign for his clothing label, Jane couldn't imagine that he and Maura had ever been together. Where Maura had kind, loving eyes, Garrett's were cold and judging. Maura's smile could light up a room; Garrett's didn't even look like it could flicker a lightbulb. But what Jane despised the most was he didn't look like a monster, a little greasy maybe but in the light of day, he was no more than a rich man in a suit.
She became absorbed in finding more about him, in her mind she was getting ahead of the game, if she was going to fight him; she was at least going to have the upper hand. She saw a few pictures of he and Maura at charity events, her smile looked forced and pinched, her eyes void of all life. The woman on the computer screen, was not the same one that Jane knew. After reading about his late father, and two brothers, she was about to move on to discovering about the family shipping company when she heard a light rap at the door.
Jane whirled around to the entrance, but relaxed when all she saw there was Maura with messy hair, wrapped in a silk robe, "Hey Maur." She winced at how guilty she sounded.
"What are you doing in here?" If anyone else had asked the question, Jane would have taken it as accusation, but with Maura, she could just take it as what it was, a question. Plus she sounded really cute with sleep still in her voice.
"I was... uh... uh... shit." She'd been caught red-handed, and all that stuff about never leaving didn't matter if Maura kicked her out.
Maura looked completely unsure of herself, and as much as Jane wanted to go to her and hold her, she couldn't move from the chair. Awkwardness filled the room, and in that moment, Jane had never felt more distant from the other woman.
She was about tell her that it didn't matter, but Maura spoke first, "Please Jane. Tell me what you were doing."
Jane put her head into her hands and mumbled, to prove to her she wasn't angry, Maura stepped forward, and came to stand in between Jane's legs. When anxious brown eyes looked up at her, Maura placed a hand on her cheek, and gave her best possible smile. The honesty in Maura's face, gave Jane the courage for her admission, "I googled Garrett." She braced herself for Maura's rage, but none came, instead the other woman's smile faltered, and Maura let out a small sigh. "I'm sorry Maur. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pried. I couldn't sleep and I..." She was cut off by a kiss that at first she didn't reciprocate, this is what had happened before, and Jane Rizzoli does not make the same mistake twice. When she realised the gentleness if Maura's movement, and that what she thought, wasn't what Maura intended, she kissed her back. As she pulled her onto her knee, they separated.
"It's alright Jane. You were curious, and I didn't inform you about the situation between Garrett and I, what you did is understandable."
Jane looked up at her from under her eyelashes, "So you're not mad?"
"No. I'm not angry, a little hurt that you didn't ask me first, but I'm not angry."
Both women were shocked when Jane let out a harsh laugh, "Well you kinda jumped me before I had a chance."
What was more shocking was that Maura didn't get offended by the laugh instead she gave her a small smile, "Sex was my only way to get an inch of control back. I shouldn't have used you like that, I'm sorry. It's just that sex was always my way to get him to stop."
Instinctively Jane held Maura tighter. She grasped Maura's cheek and drew her attention back to her, which had drifted to the picture of Garrett on the computer. Jane reached across to shut it off, "Hey stay with me, okay?" With Maura's gaze fixed back on her, she continued, "I understand what you're saying, but what do you mean get him to stop? You said he never hurt you. I don't understand.
Maura let out a soft sigh, and Jane leant up to kiss her quivering lip, which seemed to give her the courage to carry on, "I said her never hurt me physically." her voice was surprisingly strong, "But there was a lot of psychological abuse." At the last word her voice finally broke, and tears escaped from her eyes.
Hurriedly Jane reached up to wipe them off, "It's okay. Shh. Shh. You don't have to. It's okay." She began to rock her back and forward, like she would Holly.
"No! I have to do this..." Now Maura was sobbing, slamming her hands against Jane's shoulders, arms, back, wherever she could find. After years of burying it deep down, Maura's rage had finally surfaced, and she was taking it out on the person closest to her, Jane. "I have to do this."
"Hey, hey, Mike Tyson, stop." Jane grabbed Maura's hands, placing them between her own scarred ones. Finally the wild movements ceased.
"I have to do this." Maura once again whispered.
Jane thought for a moment, before lifting Maura's hands up and pecking each one, "Okay, but I need to tell you something first, so look at me." When Maura failed to look her in the eye, she repeated, "Look at me." Finally hazel eyes lifted to hers, and Jane tried to put all her emotion into their gaze, "I need you to know that whatever you tell me, I am going to stand by you no matter what, and that I'm not going to leave you, or Holly. I'm not going to let him hurt you again, do you understand?" Maura's reply was a nod. "You ready?" Another nod, combined with a sharp intake of air.
Maura's deep breath calmed her somewhat, and she gained control of the small sobs that had previously been shaking her body, "The first thing that you need to know about Garrett is that he is unbelievably charming, I fell in love with him." Jane blinked back at Maura, waiting for her to continue, "But he is also extremely possessive. He would ask for my phone, and when I'd say no he'd accuse me of cheating. Then he'd call me disgusting names. When I'd try to leave he would hide my keys or lock me in rooms, until I promised to stay. At public events he would stay by my side the entire time. I hated him. I hated myself more, for getting into that situation, and for remaining in it for so long. I distinctively remember one incident where he asked me that if I left, 'who would else would ever love me?', and that's why I stayed, because I believed him when he said that no one else ever would."
Jane hadn't even realised that she'd begun to cry until she saw the droplets fall onto Maura's shoulder; she pulled her tightly into her, firmly holding Maura's face into her neck, "Oh Maura." It wasn't pity in Jane's voice but sadness, which quickly turned to anger when she finally took in the last sentence, "But you know who's going to love you now?" Maura smiled at her, waiting for her to tell her that she would always be there, instead she said something that took Maura completely aback, "You. You are going to love yourself Maura. You are going to love how strong you are. You are going to love that you picked yourself up when all you wanted was to lay on the floor and cry. You are going to love that you have raised a good, kind and beautiful little girl all on your own, and I am going to tell you that every day, until you believe me, and not that monster." Maura too was now crying, and the two women just sat like that for what seemed hours, silently crying, and comforting one another. But Jane had one final thing to say, "Why didn't you tell anyone?"
She felt Maura pull back and place a kiss on her forehead, tears still continued falling from her eyes, "I got pregnant. It gave me the courage to finally escape. I wasn't going to let him anywhere near my child. Luckily I'd kept my finances separate from his, so the physical logistics were easy. He tried to find me again, but I got a fantastic lawyer, who must have given some substantial threats, because next thing I knew Garrett was in Milan, and I was in San Francisco."
"Me and you Maur, we are going to do this together. If he is here, we'll fight him, but you're in charge. Anything you need, you ask me okay?" She could have offered to arrest him, but both of them knew the facts. So few domestic abuse trials are ever prosecuted, of those successful cases, most involved violence, and Jane and Maura had no physical proof of any wrong doing. For Jane to promise to put him in jail would be fake, so instead she leant up, offering a kiss to Maura, and she was relieved when she wasn't denied, and their lips met softly and sweetly.
Both their lips tasted like tears, but they didn't mind. Enormous weights had been lifted off both their shoulders, and they were happy to get lost in each other. Jane ran her hands up and down Maura's back, delighted to have the woman she knew back, not the forceful one she'd been faced with earlier.
When the kiss ended, they kept their foreheads touching, getting lost in each other's eyes. Gently Maura ran her finger along the skin under Jane's eyes, "Periorbital hyperpigmentation, you're exhausted, let's go back to bed."
To re-affirm her point Jane let out a large yawn, making Maura laugh, a sound that Jane was only too happy to hear. "Bed. Yes. Sleep." She was rewarded with another laugh, and the two tired women made their way back to Maura's room.
The next morning was exactly as Jane had planned in her fantasy date. She woke up with one of Maura's arms slung across her waist, her head tucked under her chin. The familiar scent of flowers and peaches met her. She was a thousand times happier than the last time she was awake with Maura in that bed.
Softly she tried to nudge Maura awake, worrying when she heard a grumpy noise slip through the sleeping woman's lips, because as much as Dr Isles tried to present herself otherwise, with ridiculous crack of dawn runs, she was not a morning person.
"Rise and shine sleeping beauty." Maura greeted her with a series of inaudible murmurs, "Come on, we've gotta get you up and at 'em." She flipped them over and looked down at Maura's smiling face, her hazel eyes still hidden behind closed lids.
"What are you doing?" was Maura's reply when Jane began to pepper kisses all over her face.
Jane let out an exasperated sigh, "I'm trying to awaken my stubborn girlfriend from her hundred year sleep."
At that finally Maura's eyes snapped open, "Girlfriend?"
"Yep you heard me." Jane got off of her and out of the bed, "If you'd got up on time, we would have had time to discuss it, but you decided to stay asleep, so now you've got to like it or lump it. You're stuck with me" She flashed Maura a wink, and walked out the door, towards the suspicious clanging of pots and pans, associated with Holly's current obsession with making breakfast.
Maura propped herself up on her elbows, calling after her, "I think I like it!"
Thank you for reading, and if any of my readers are going through anything like Maura is in this story, then please consider calling a helpline, I've got the numbers for UK and US ones should anyone need them just send me a message, it's no trouble. Thanks once again, I hope you all have a good day.