He was suffocating. He couldn't breathe air in. Not without feeling like he was drowning. And all the while he was aware of how heavy his arms felt, how unresponsive and foreign; he flickered to being outside himself. But he wasn't able to look down like he was literally having some sort of out of body experience. No he was trapped inside his mind, blackening into periods of stillness, where he was only aware of the panic, of the choking sensation, like someone was trying to cram something down the back of his throat. He was resisting. He was fighting. In his own way. He was trying. But what was he meant to do when his mind wouldn't connect with his body; when his body wouldn't listen to him? He could hear breathing, rasping and wondered if that was him. It sounded like it was coming from so far away. Reaching for it would have been impossible. Were there words?

He was afraid. For the first time in a very, very long time, he was afraid, and he was suddenly aware of just how much. He had so much to lose. Before, with Zoe, he didn't care. He thought about Emily and he knew in most ways she was better off without him. He was a terrible role model. He was an awful husband. He had let both of them down. But now, this time, with Gillian, his second chance at getting it right; he knew what it meant to be happy for real. So real it was tangible. What he wouldn't do for her...

If he could just get out of here. He stretched his arms out, tugging against the restraints. There had to be give somewhere. The tethers would have to break at some point wouldn't they? This would end. Surely. Hopefully. Please?

Cal twitched awake. His arms flinched so hard they lifted from where they rested and Gillian stirred. His heart was pounding and he felt stricken and for a second, he was disorientated.

"Dream?" The sleepy warmth of his wife asked.

Cal grounded himself in her voice. "Yes," he whispered. "Sorry."

Gillian reached out with her hand. She was practically in the middle of the bed, she didn't have to stretch far. She found his upper arm, squeezed it gently. "Tell me?"

"It's nothin'. I don't know what it was."

"You're afraid."

Cal was still for a second, silent, scared. "I was," he admitted. "It felt real." Gillian made a sympathetic noise, found the edge of his t-shirt and tugged on it, encouraging him to come closer to her. He obliged, pressed against the baby gently, anchoring himself further. He knew where he was now. He slid his arm over hers, pressed his palm against her back while her fingers slid around his ribs. She made a content sound this time and Cal shifted in closer, to get more contact around the lump that was their child in her womb.

"Better?"

"Much," Cal agreed. He dared to open an eye. It was grey. Too early for getting up. Robbed of another sleep in. "I love you Gill." He murmured into her hair.

"Love you too."

"Do you know how much?"

"Yes."

"You sure?" He breathed in the smell of her.

"Yes," Gillian whispered. "I know."

"Good."

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"Yes I know," Cal confirmed. "I know," he repeated, whispering a kiss against her skin, her cheek he suspected, perhaps her ear. Hard to tell.

Gillian gave a little moan. "Good."

Cal noted how tightly she gripped him. He wondered what she was thinking about. And now that they were awake he fell into his typical talkative routine. Who knew why? He used to be content with the silence, used to prefer it in fact, but now, with Gillian, he couldn't shut up; as soon as he knew she was awake he wanted to talk to her, to hear what she was thinking, to run theory by her. "This week is a milestone."

"Is it?" Gillian sounded confused.

"Half way," Cal whispered into her hair.

"Hmm?"

"Twenty weeks."

"You're counting?"

"I'm keepin' track yeah. Aren't you?"

"Blur," Gillian muttered.

Cal shifted to kiss her forehead, cracking his eyes again to make sure he found the right place. Gillian gave a pleased hum. "Half way," he repeated. He shifted his hand to her stomach, smoothing his fingers over the fabric of the shirt she was wearing. "And then he'll be here." He shifted his hand again to brush Gillian's cheek.

"And we do it all again," Gillian added.

"Yeah," Cal agreed. Gillian shifted with a frown. "What?" Cal queried lightly.

"Have to pee."

"Aw," Cal complained as she slowly eased herself away from him, towards the edge of the mattress and swung her feet to the carpet. She sat for a moment and then gave a little laugh. "What?"

"Just admiring my toes," Gillian responded and stood. Cal closed his eyes again and turned on to his back. He wondered how much time he would get with her before Lewis showed up. Usually on a Saturday they got a little extra sleep in; to just be.

When Gillian came back she climbed into bed on Cal's side, pressing up against his hip and shoulder. "Cold toes," Cal noted.

"Warm them up for me."

Cal turned over to embrace her; the bump between them. He had just settled with his arm around her when she pushed against his chest again. "Sorry," she murmured. "Have to move." She shifted awkwardly, slowly, until she was on her other side. Cal snuggled up tightly behind her, able to get much closer to her warmth now the bump was out of the way. "Better," Gillian announced. Her hand came back to grip his thigh gently. Cal crossed her arm to squeeze her leg in return. "That felt nice," Gillian murmured. Cal shifted the hand again, firmly kneading her flesh with one hand as he made his way higher. "You know what else we should talk about?" Gillian went on.

"What's that?" Cal asked absently.

"Lewis and school. We need to pick one."

"Oh right," Cal noted. He hadn't even thought about that. "And soon. Applications will be due soon won't they?" Well, in the New Year but the year got busy at this time. Christmas was coming up. And they still actually had to decide on somewhere to apply. Or a few places, just in case.

"Applications? What are you talking about?"

"You know. Private school."

"Oh," Gillian sounded full of resignation.

"You don't want him to go to private school?"

"I just assumed he would go to public, like you and I did."

"Yeah but I think Lewis would need somethin' more."

"Because of his hearing?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that making it into a bigger deal than it is?"

"I'm not talkin' about a school for the deaf. I'm talkin' about smalla classrooms, more teacha focus. You know sometimes the words get lost in the crowd. Thirty kids in one room is gonna be tough on him."

Gillian remained silent for a moment. She shifted again, as if she were uncomfortable.

"Is your back botherin' you?" Cal allowed a change in subject. He was pretty sure they would be talking about private school again. It would be better to let her think about the possibility a little. And to not have this conversation as soon as she had woken up.

"Sleeping too long in one place," Gillian grumped.

"I shall wake you on a regula schedule to turn you ova then," Cal murmured into her neck, pressing a kiss against her skin, while his hand slipped beneath her shirt to find her spine. Gillian suddenly bucked her hips back against him as he pressed his fingers against her bones. "Am I hurtin' you?"

"No," Gillian's voice was strained. "Feels good."

Cal dared to go harder, smoothing out each side, then heading lower, working her hip bones and then he remembered something. He slipped his fingers beneath the elastic of her underwear. "Hey!" She protested immediately, twitching away from him, withdrawing her hand to his forearm. Cal kept going, ignoring her continued protests to find her tail bone. He pressed his fingers firmly against it and she flinched hard, bucking in to him. "Oh my god!"

Cal drove the tip of his index finger against the bone, making sure it was beyond firm. Gillian whimpered and Cal felt her struggle for air. "Relax," he urged her.

"Oh Cal," she moaned loudly in response; her fingers tightened uncomfortably around his wrist.

"Shh," Cal hushed her gently. "Anyone would think we're havin' sex."

"Keep on like that and we just might be," Gillian uttered.

Cal eased off until he felt her muscles retract then pushed gently again. Gillian tensed again. "God that feels so good!" She enthused. "How do you know?"

"I googled it."

"I meant, how do you know exactly what I need when I need it? Do you read my face?"

"I know you," Cal's voice was caressing in its own right, just behind her ear. "I know your body, the way you hold tension, when." He shifted his finger to her buttocks, massaging each one in little circles, radiating out from her spine.

Gillian gave another slight moan and her fingers eased up on his flesh. "You google ways to rub my back?"

"Well, ways to ease the tension of your spine movin' out to make room for the baby."

"If you get any more perfect I may just gag on the sugary sweetness of it."

Cal reached her hips and stopped, resting his hand in her waist. He planted another soft kiss just beneath her ear. Gillian suddenly grabbed his hand and positioned it on her stomach, to the left and slightly down. "Can you feel that?"

Cal waited a beat, holding his breath, wishing his heart would stop for just a second so he could determine exactly what was the baby's feet and what was his pulse. "No," he let the breath go.

Gillian continued to hold his hand in place and they both waited in silence for a moment. And then Cal could feel it. The sudden pressure of a little something, under his palm; a foot or hand? "Now you can feel him," Gillian noted gently. She had been able to feel the baby moving around inside her for a few weeks now.

"Yeah," Cal agreed in awe.

"Cal, that's our son."

"Yeah," he agreed again, his throat closing off strangely. He cleared it.

"Are you ok?"

"Yes," he half-laughed. "It's just amazin'. Knowin' he's in there. Feelin' him for that first time. Can't take that moment back."

Gillian listened to the hint of excitement in his voice. Moments like these were the best. The two of them, snuggled up in bed, warm, him making her feel like she was a goddess to be worshipped. "Cal," she breathed, shifting her hand, leaning back against his chest so she could caress the scratch of his cheek.

He moved then, throwing the covers over his head as he shifted down the bed. He pulled back her shirt, kissed her bare skin, caressed her belly. "Hi in there. I'm your Dad. I'm lookin' forward to hangin' out with you properly. I have no idea if you can even hear me yet but I don't care." He kissed his wife's belly again. "Cos I already love you and I'll be here when you're born. By the way your Mum has a sexy accent." He moved again, crawling up her body, careful to keep his weight on his arms. "I don't think I've eva told her how much I love how she says my name."

Gillian gave him a slight smile as he appeared from beneath the covers, eyes serious, hair messed up.

"Specially when we're doin' it."