So, this chapter was supposed to be something else entirely, but then someone pointed out something in the last chapter and I couldn't resist changing it. Enjoy.
Gabriel couldn't speak. Not in a struck speechless kinda way, though. More of a, I-literally-can't-move-my-lips-and-no-sound-is-being-made, kinda way.
When he fully realized this, Gabriel ran to the library, looking for Sam and Castiel. Luckily, both of them, as well as Rowena, were there.
Gabriel runs up to Sam and starts shaking his shoulders urgently.
Sam turns around, a surprised look on his face. "Oh, you're finally up. What's wrong."
Gabriel notices Castiel and Rowena glance at him with interested looks, and points to his mouth, eyes wide.
"Oh, that," Sam says too casually, closing his book. He smiles, but not the one Gabriel was used to. This one was cruel—heartless. Reminiscent of far too many beings he'd come across in his long, long life.
Gabriel starts backing away slowly as similar looks appear on Castiel and Rowena's faces.
"Y'see, we got tired of your little quips," Sam says, standing up. "All those comments you think are so funny."
"There's only so much we can take, brother," Castiel says cruelly.
Rowena reaches into her pockets and takes out a needle and thread. "Let's pay homage to your alias, Loki," she says, sauntering up to him. "Though I like to think I wouldn't have been fooled by your tricky words."
. . .
Gabriel wakes violently, eyes wide. He takes in a deep breath and glances over at Sam and Castiel, who were sleeping peacefully. Fighting back the images that rose in his mind, Gabriel shakes his head and looks away
Then, carefully as he can, he gets off the bed and walks out of the room.
He ends up in one of the more abandoned parts of the Bunker, though he remembered what it was like when it was operational.
A few more minutes of wandering takes him to a room he hadn't seen in a long, long time.
Gabriel steps through the doorway and notices faded sigils painted on the ground. Even freshly laid, they'd never been able to do anything, so he steps over them and sits down, leaning against one of the walls.
In the quietness of the room, thoughts he'd been pointedly ignoring flared up.
Were they annoyed by the stuff he said? It's not like they ever brought it up, but how would he know? Both Sam and Castiel were too polite to bring up anything like that if they felt that way. Rowena would probably be the one to say something, but maybe she was just being nice.
Gabriel closes his eyes, trying to drown out his thoughts. After a few moments of indecision, he quietly starts singing.
"Do you know what it's like when, you're scared to see yourself? Do you know what it's like when, you wish you were someone else, who didn't need your help to get by? Do you know what it's like, to wanna surrender?"
He feels tears prick the corners of his eyes and ignores them as he continues singing softly.
. . .
"Hey, where were you this morning?" Sam asks a few seconds after Gabriel walks in the kitchen. "Me 'nd Cas missed you."
Gabriel opens his mouth to say something, but pauses, a look of indecision coming over his face. After a few seconds, he shakes his head and puts on a bright, fake smile.
'Thinking,' he signs.
Sam gives him an odd look before nodding. "Oh. Well, are you coming back tonight?"
Gabriel hears the hopeful note in his voice and nods. 'I just . . . needed some time.'
Sam nods again. "Well, I'm glad you got it. Sometimes it's nice to be alone."
Gabriel gives him an almost uncertain grin. 'Yeah.'
Sam gives him a sympathetic look and leans in to peck him on the lips, since that always seemed to cheer up the Archangel. "Well, if you ever need anyone to talk to, me 'nd Cas'll always be there." He pauses considerably. "And, well, Rowena too, I guess."
Gabriel brightens a bit. "I know," he says quietly.
. . .
Over the next few days, Sam and Castiel noticed Gabriel drawing back and becoming more reclusive. More worryingly, perhaps, was that he also talked a lot less frequently than before, opting to use sign language instead. It worried them, but they knew not to ask about it. However, it was getting more and more difficult.
Especially once Rowena brought it up.
"So, what's going on with him?" she asks, noticing the way he'd been not-so-subtly avoiding her.
Sam shrugs. "We don't know."
Rowena gives them a confused look. "Why? Haven't you asked him?"
Sam and Castiel share an uncomfortable look.
"Well . . ." Sam starts.
"It's best if we don't," Castiel supplies. "These types of things . . . it's usually better if they sort themselves out."
Rowena nods, an understanding look on her face. "That's all well and good, but what happens if it doesn't work out? He might just decide one day he doesn't want to try and leaves."
Sam and Castiel look away and she softens her gaze.
"I'm not saying he will. I'm just saying that problems don't just go away. Us, of all people, should understand that."
Sam nods. "I know. And you're probably right."
"I am always right, Samuel."
Sam and Castiel chuckle.
"Besides, it's been a while since you boys last had a heart-to-heart. I may not be the most emotionally balanced, but I do know it's good for you."
They nod.
"Well, you could always join us," Sam offers nonchalantly.
Rowena pauses, an indecipherable look coming over her face. "If you feel that's best," she says with an air of someone asked to do an egregious task. But, Sam and Castiel both heard the gratefulness that rested under her words.
. . .
Knowing better than to corner the Archangel, they opted for a more subtle approach.
The next time Sam had a moment alone with Gabriel, both of them waiting for Castiel to come to bed, he brought it up.
"So, what's been going on?" he asks, stroking the Archangel's hair, which was now longer than his own.
Gabriel stiffens and shifts uncomfortably. 'Nothing,' he signs nonchalantly.
Sam gives him a look. "Gabe . . . I'm not blind. You've been withdrawing. I just . . . I wanna help you."
Gabriel glances away. 'Not important.'
"It is important, Gabriel. You are important."
But I'm not, Gabriel thinks. "I'm fine, Sam," he says aloud.
Sam stays silent for a few seconds. Eventually, he says, "You're not fine. I'm not either. Hell, even Cas and Rowena aren't. None of us are—will ever be. There's times it'll feel better. But . . . there's always something that'll set us back. And when that happens, I'll be there to help you pick up the pieces. All of us will."
Gabriel swallows thickly and nods. "Thanks," he chokes out.
Sam gives a small smile and kisses Gabriel's temple, pulling the Archangel closer. "You're welcome," he murmurs.
. . .
"Molt's coming soon," Castiel says carefully, running his fingers through Gabriel's feathers.
Gabriel nods.
"I was thinking . . . maybe Sam could join us? He always helps me, and I know he's been feeling kind of left out."
Gabriel pauses, moving his hands to his lap. "Sure," he says quietly, smiling uncertainly.
Castiel sighs and takes back his hands. Brother . . . what is going on?"
Gabriel huffs a laugh and thinks back to the conversation he recently had with Sam. "I'm fine, Cassy."
"No you're not." He pauses, glancing away. After a few seconds, he says, "You know . . . we don't mind your words."
Gabriel freezes.
"I . . . well, you talk in your sleep. I noticed you woke up from a nightmare a few nights ago, but you left before I could say anything."
Gabriel nods, drawing in on himself.
Castiel gives him a sympathetic look. "I know it's just remnants of the beings you used to be. Even back when you were Gabriel, the Messenger, you still found a way to make us smile. And while I admit I know very little of your time as Loki, I know you well enough to say that you would put up that front." He pauses. "Your words . . . they remind me of simpler times. Times when there was nothing to worry about, and we whiled away the time fooling around with our brothers and sisters. Times long since past, but ones I never will forget."
Gabriel closes his eyes and hangs his head, trying to hold back the tears welling up. He nods. "Thanks, Cassy," he says quietly.
Castiel smiles. "You are welcome, brother. Just know that we do care about you, and no matter how many times we may be exasperated with some things you say, it does not mean we will stop."
Gabriel gives a small smile. "I appreciate that, Castiel."
His brother nods. "So long as you know." He pauses. Eventually, he softly sings, "Do you know what it's like when, you're not who you wanna be? Do you know what it's like to, be your own worst enemy, who sees the things in me I can't hide? Do you know what it's like, to wanna surrender."
Gabriel chuckles before quietly continuing the lyric, "I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow, I don't wanna live like this today. Make me feel better, I wanna feel better. Stay with me here now, and never surrender."
. . .
Honestly, Gabriel wasn't even surprised when the next time he and Rowena were alone together, she started talking to him.
They were in the library, reading books on magic and occasionally having brief debates about said magic, before she all to casually closed her book and looks at Gabriel.
"So, you've been doing better these past few days," she says nonchalantly.
Gabriel chuckles and the conversations he'd recently had with Sam and Castiel come to mind. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I've had a little help."
Rowena nods. "That's always a good thing." She pauses. "Although, I will admit I am feeling kind of left out."
Gabriel gives her a confused look and she continues.
"I mean, when you started signing instead of speaking, Sam and Castiel seemed to know exactly what to do. I actually asked them about it, but they told me it was something you should tell me yourself."
Gabriel nods, looking down. After a few moments of indecision, he reaches out with two fingers and Rowena flinches away.
Gabriel immediately draws his hand back. "Sorry," he says quickly.
"It's alright," Rowena says quietly.
Gabriel gets an uncertain look on his face, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "What they're talking about . . . it's not something easily told. If you're okay with it, I'd like to show you instead."
Rowena pauses for a few seconds before nodding minutely.
Gabriel reaches out and touches two fingers to her forehead, opening up his memories to her.
He didn't show everything, there were some things he never wanted to relive, but he showed everything she needed to see.
He showed the times Metatron bound and gagged him, occasionally stealing his Grace to give himself a powerup. The days where Crowley grew bored of their conversations and stole his voice, and the cell that he was forced to call home, a constant reminder of his captivity. When Crowley left and Asmodeus showed up, sewing his mouth shut and keeping him powerless.
And finally, the dream he'd had a few nights ago and the subsequent terror he'd felt afterwards.
Carefully withdrawing his fingers, Gabriel gives Rowena an almost frightened look.
Her expression immediately softens and she reaches out a hand before stopping. "I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I . . . I didn't know."
Gabriel nods.
"If . . . if my actions a few nights ago started all of this, I am truly sorry. I was . . . drunk and ignorant to the effects of my magic. This in no way excuses it, but I hope you can forgive me."
"I do," Gabriel says. "I already have."
Rowena gives him a thankful look.
. . .
A few hours after his talk with Rowena, Gabriel noticed it was raining outside the Bunker. Deciding it had been far too long since he'd last been in the middle of a storm, he walks outside.
It was pouring, and within minutes Gabriel was soaked. He takes in a deep breath and spreads his wings, closing his eyes and feeling the rain on his skin.
. . .
Later on when the clouds started thinning, Gabriel hears the Bunker door open and turns around, seeing Sam, Castiel, and Rowena walking up the steps.
He gives them a small smile before sitting down and closing his eyes.
A few seconds later, Sam and Castiel settle on either side of him while Rowena sits behind him, starting to play with his hair.
Eventually, Gabriel says, "You guys tricked me."
"No, we didn't," Sam says. "We just reminded you of things you already knew."
Gabriel nods. "You still tricked me. And ambushed me."
Castiel makes a noncommittal noise. "Not really. We just took advantage of times when we were alone with you."
Gabriel chuckles. "Whatever you wanna call it . . . I'm glad."
"Of course you are," Rowena says, splitting Gabriel's hair into two parts. "Everyone needs a pep talk sometimes."
Gabriel smiles. "I guess you're right there."
"I'm always right," Rowena says sagely, carefully dividing the left side into three parts and starting to braid it.
Gabriel chuckles and closes his eyes.
. . .
About ten minutes later, after the rain stopped and Rowena had long since finished braiding Gabriel's hair and moved onto Sam, they noticed a rainbow appearing in the clouds.
"Y'know, your bible gets it wrong," Gabriel comments.
Sam chuckles. "What is it this time?"
"Rainbows," Gabriel says simply. "It wasn't my Father who made them."
"What was it then?" Rowena asks.
Gabriel glances at Castiel. "Fledglings. They noticed how rain helped the plants and animals. How it could turn a simple field into something beautiful and colorful. So, they utilized those colors and made something . . . truly awesome. I was actually pretty surprised when they showed me. I was, uh . . . not the best at helping them figure out their Grace."
Castiel smiles softly. "You did well enough, brother."
Gabriel nods and looks back to the rainbow. He chuckles. "You are right, Castiel. Those were simpler times."
Castiel nods. "Yes. But, I would not trade these ones for those. Even if it were possible, there are many things now I would not give up for the world."
If anyone's curious, the song Gabriel and Castiel are singing is Skillet's Never Surrender. (which is the song this fic is named after, and I highly recommend you listen to it because it's awesome)