Decisions and Rebirth

Renesemee POV

WAT'S UP MY LOVELIES. I MEANT TO POST THIS YESTERDAY BUT SOMETHING FUNKY WAS GOING ON WITH FANFICTION. SORRY ABOUT THAT BUT NO WORRIES....HERE WE GO.

It all belongs to SM.

"Jake, don't do this!" I screamed.

He continued to walk like I hadn't said anything at all and didn't even try to look at me.

"Tell me if you want a baby or me Nessie but I can't keep this up." He shouted back.

I crumbled on the ground and didn't even care that my entire body was shaking from the cold.

He gave me an ultimatum and as soon as he asked, I already knew that I would have to give up my dream to have him. Even when he was walking away, I wanted to run after him but I couldn't make my legs move. I didn't even have to really think about it because Jacob was the one person I couldn't live with out, no matter what.

I really did long for a child but Jacob was right; this wasn't possible for us.

I didn't know how I could have let this get so bad but I couldn't help it. I was a woman on a mission and I was too stubborn to let go of my dreams. I knew I needed to get back to the old Nessie like Jake said but I didn't want to give up that quickly. I felt like this was too important to just give up on but I couldn't think of another way to have it all. As much as I wanted a child, I wanted Jacob more and I had to get over this.

I didn't even feel like moving because I felt like such a screw up. A failure. My marriage was trashed because of me and I should have known that Jacob was unhappy. I should've been able to keep it from getting this bad. I knew that I had changed, we both had but I thought we would be able to get through this just like we had with all the other problems that had passed in our relationship.

A baby or the prospect there of was obviously too much for the both of us to handle. I knew it would eventually kills us if I didn't give up this fantasy. As much as I hated to say it, this wasn't a reasonable goal and I knew I was going to have to try and get back to reality if I had any hope of bringing the old Nessie and Jake back together. I knew I was pushing it with Jacob with my attitude these past couple of months but I never thought he would actually leave me over this. I knew he was just stubborn enough to do it to and it might kill us both but he would do anything to get the old Nessie back--no matter what it took.

Has the rest of my family given up on me too? I thought about the past twelve hours and the pain I had caused everyone with my stupidity but I never realized it at the time. First of all, I freakin' walked out on Jacob when he was trying to talk some sense into me. He always had the patience of a saint when it came to me but now I could see how his resolve was cracking as I shouted at him over the stupidest of things. He was never one to beat around the bush even when he was mad. He didn't seem to care about anyone but me and my safety. I was trying to prolong the conversation that was coming by shouting and getting angry even though I knew it wouldn't work. I knew that all the failed pregnancy tests and negative results were getting to Jacob. He wanted to stop trying for a baby but I at least thought I could keep him going for another couple of months. I just needed to finish out my six months but that was now a null option.

I laid on the cold, wet ground and thought about how stupid I had been while I was in that bar, sucking on that guy's mouth and tried to actually kill him. Of course daddy was mad and mama almost strangled me but there was no way to stop once I tasted Brad Pitt's blood. I now realized how strong the vampire side of my body was. I never in a million years thought that I would have such a low amount of self control when it came to blood but it was obvious that I did because I would have continued to drink his blood, and would have if it wasn't for Leah.

That was another issue I was battling in my mind. Even though I hated Leah with a passion, she had helped me and kept me from making one of the biggest mistakes in my life. I hated to think that I now owed her something or was indebted to her but I was definitely going to have to thank her, which I was not looking forward to. She had caused me so much pain in my life but that was now beside the point. She had helped me, no matter what her intentions were, she kept me from killing. I knew that she wasn't doing it for me but that still didn't make me any less grateful. I prayed that she wouldn't make a big deal out of this but I knew she would. This was her perfect opportunity to make me grovel at her feet.

Although I was prepared to daddy and mama's anger, I wasn't prepared for the sorrowful looks of the rest of my family. Grandma's was the worst to handle because it looked like I actually killed her. She always told me that she never wanted this life for me and she was worried that I would fall off the wagon like the rest of my family had at one point or the other. Mama was the only one of us who hadn't tasted human blood and I was proud to be apart of her group but now, I was tainted. I had tasted the delicious blood of a human and there was no going back.

Would the wolves look at me differently? Would my family ever look at me the same again? And what about Grandpa Charlie? I didn't know if anyone had told him that I had been arrested yet but that was sure to be another conversation that I was going to have to bare. He was going to have that look of shame on his face the entire time when I tell him why I was thrown in jail overnight but I hoped he understood as Jacob had. Actually, I was surprised that Jacob wasn't more angry with me for drinking human blood but what made me feel worse was that Jacob always accepted me; no matter what. He always said that it didn't ever matter what I did, he was always going to love me.

Did that still apply now that I had put our marriage in a blender and hit the high-speed button?

What killed me the most was that Jacob knew I would choose him over a baby. He knew that if he just said the right words, I would give up anything for him. I would have dropped the idea of having a baby if he asked the first day and even though it would have killed me, I would have done it gladly to keep Jacob happy. He wasn't being selfish but I understood exactly where he was coming from. Over the past couple of months, I had become less of a wife and more of a woman possessed. I was neglecting Jacob and I had vowed never to do that the minute I committed myself to him. I had gotten out of control and I had to make this right because if I didn't, I could loose him forever.

I wanted to get up and run into Jacob's warm arms but I couldn't move. I felt like I was cemented to the ground. I wasn't ever going to move again.

I closed my eyes and wished that the pain of abandonment would go away. I prayed that someone would find me soon or I was sure that the cold would take over and kill me. I rested in the wet earth and didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until my dreams of Jacob took over.

They were the first happy dreams I had had in a long time. They were just like Jacob said; us and no one else. As I slept, I thought about how happy I was before this prospect of a child was even presented to me. I was happy with my life and I didn't need anything else to complete me. I wanted to go back to that girl. The girl who was in love with Jacob. My Jacob. I had to get back to that girl or he was going to leave and I wouldn't be able to stop him.

I felt someone's cold arms wrap around my body as the night drew to a close and then I was ghosted through the forest before I was laid down on something comfortable. I felt light hands travel over my body and my cold, wet clothes were gone in an instant but I couldn't open my eyes. The emotions were too much for me and I was too exhausted to even try to wake up. I rolled over after I was warm and continued to sleep.

I opened my eyes slowly and stretched. I actually felt good for a change and woke up rested until I thought about the previous day. All the pictures from the time I walked out of the house to the time Jacob left me, flooded through my mind in a split second.

I sat straight up in bed and frantically tried to look for Jacob but I didn't need to. He was sitting in a chair opposite my old bed in the Cullen house. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks and I knew he was beating himself up when he didn't have to. He shouldn't have to.

I jumped of the bed and didn't even touch the floor before I was in his lap, kissing every inch of his skin I could reach. I didn't even try to breathe as I meshed my lips to his in what felt like forever. I could finally see what he was talking about. The love was back and I didn't even have to try. Now that I let go of everything else, it was just Jacob and I.

"I'm so sorry Jacob. I never meant to hurt you and I will never stop apologizing." I kissed every inch of his face.

He didn't say anything but I could tell that he was trying as hard as he could to not tackle me with his own kisses.

"Please say you forgive me?" I asked and pulled back to read his eyes.

"I should have never asked you to choose. I'm such a dick." He set me on the bed and began to walk away.

"Please Jacob. Don't go, not now. I said I'm sorry." I began crying.

"But you shouldn't have to. I should have never asked you to give up your dreams." He hung his head as he turned back towards me.

I got off the bed and went to lift his head back up, "A dream that will never come true? I should have given up on that months ago and I'm sorry for neglecting you while I clung to the idea…"

"Of what? Having a family?" He said and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was upset with himself.

"I never realized how much I was hurting you through all of this and I'm sorry." I caressed his face and the warmth from his cheek was enough to kill me.

"I didn't mean to sound like such an…ass. I just want us to get better." He turned his head to kiss my palm.

"I'm back Jacob and I'm never leaving again. I promise."

"I should never have made you give up on something you want so much. I swear we can start trying again." He picked me up and brought me over to the bed where he got on next to me.

"Yeah, and then what? End up just like we were the yesterday? I don't ever want to be like that again." I promised.

As I thought about how we both had acted these past couple of months, I almost cried. We were both so destroyed by this and I never wanted to go back to a time when we were fighting like that.

"I really am sorry." I said again.

"You shouldn't be. I was as much to blame as you were but just promise me that we can work through this."

"I'm here. Can we try to work on this now?" but was silenced by Jacob's heated lips on mine.

He rolled us so that he was hovering over me as he continued to kiss my lips with as much fervor as he could muster and I was happy to give him everything I had.

"I would love nothing more. I've been such a dick over these past few months and I should have been more supportive." He said.

"I just want us to get back to us before all of this. I don't care how long that takes. I want to be us again."

"Good because I was just about to ask you the same thing." He smirked.

"You deserve better than a wife who never talks to you." I shook my head as I remembered how horribly I had acted to him.

"And you deserve a husband who wouldn't give up on you when things get tough. You know I would never really leave right?"

"I know but I understand why you said what you did. You were trying to speed up my realization that we were broken." I knew exactly what he where he was coming from now that I looked at it retrospectively.

"I was just trying to make you come back to me. The Nessie from the past few months wasn't mine—that wasn't my Nessie I wanted you back." He nuzzled my neck and I was trying to keep my mind clear so that we could talk about things without it turning sexual. That would get us nowhere. If anything, that is what put us in this place to begin with.

"Jacob, we have to talk. We can't just jump back into things because we'll only suffer in the long run." I said breathlessly.

He groaned and rolled off of me, "You're right."

Jacob and I spent what felt like days, cooped up in my old bedroom talking to each other. Even though I had listened to him over the past couple of months, I hadn't realized how much of his life I had actually missed. I didn't know anything about the stealing going on at the garage and didn't even know how the pack was doing. Jacob was right; I had kind of gone crazy. We didn't move from our spot on the bed for the entire day and no one bothered us but I could hear them downstairs.

As the night quickly approached, all I wanted to do was go home and be with my husband. He was all I need right now and I was happy to finally have him back. Like I said before, I knew we couldn't just jump back to being us because there was no way we were over the past couple of months but it was nice to finally be on the right track after so many months of discord.

I didn't want to think that I was giving something up but the entire time Jacob and I were talking, there was something in the back of my mind that was telling me to fight until the end. The only problem was that I didn't want to. I didn't want to be that Nessie any longer because it was hurting my relationship with Jacob. I wanted a child yes but I wanted Jacob more and that was what I needed right now.

I stayed in his arms the entire day and we didn't do anything more than kiss because I don't think that we were ready for more than that. We needed to build our relationship back up.

"Are you ready to go home?" He kept kissing my forehead and hair.

"Please. I want to get back in my bed with my sheets." I got off the bed and put on my shoes.

"Good."

We walked down the stairs to see the family doing various things but my eyes were only on daddy who still looked mad but I could tell that he was getting better. Mama must have talked to him because he was livid after I ran out.

"I'm not mad at you Renesmee because God knows I've made my mistakes but…"

"I know and I'm sorry for being such a bitch lately. I never meant to hurt anyone." I said to everyone but mainly daddy, "I've been so mean and I'm sorry."

"It's ok, we're used to it." Emmett chuckled and daddy threw one of Esme's vases at him.

That was a whole different kind of fighting that I didn't want to be in the middle of so Jacob and I left shortly after and I was happy when we pulled into our driveway. It was like I was seeing it for the first time and I loved the feeling I got when I walked inside. I don't know what was wrong with me but I guess my mind had been too clouded over the past couple of months to really appreciate things clearly. I should be happy with what I have and not beg for more when I've already been given so much.

"I hope you meant what you said before, about us working through this." I sighed as we laid in bed that night.

"Of course, you're too important to me for something to tear us apart."

"I've been so stupid." I said mostly to myself.

"Stop, we've both been through a lot and said some things we shouldn't have but we're here so we've just got to keep moving forward."

"Thank you." I kissed his chest.

"And I really am sorry for what I said in the forest. I never meant to be like that. My emotions just got the best of me."

"I know but please don't scare me like that again. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you left. I wouldn't know what to do."

"I'm sorry too." He buried his head in my hair and that's how we fell asleep.

The next few weeks were nothing like I expected. I of course felt sad that everything was over in the baby-making department but I was happy to have some of myself back. I didn't think I would ever feel complete without a child but I was going to work as hard as I could to come as close as I could. After Jacob and I had one long talk about what we'd been going through for the past couple of months, we put it out of our heads. There was no need to dwell on what we had said or what we'd done. It was over.

I went as far as going through the entire house cleaning and throwing everything out that had to do with the entire experience. I knew that the only way I would get past it was to get rid of it. It was hard but I knew it needed to be done. I felt like w weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I put the last garbage back into the trashcan.

I went back to my old happy self and everyone could tell I was different. No one really talked about our failed attempts to have a baby and it was kind like a taboo subject around the house. I still hadn't told Leah thank you even though I knew I should have. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just couldn't get over all the shit she'd put me through but I guess I would have to get over myself some time soon so that I could grumble out an appreciation for what she did in the bar. No matter what her intentions, she still stopped me from making a big mistake.

That conversation with Grandpa Charlie was horrible. No one had told him about me getting arrested because we thought it could fly by without any major issues but of course once the Port Angeles police department found out that I was related to Charlie Swan, they made an immediate call. He came over and ripped me a new one. I had never seen him so furious. He said that I had embarrassed him and I knew that but it hurt worse to hear it from him. After he yelled at me for about an hour, he calmed down and let me tell my story; he actually went to Port Angeles to arrest the mayor's son, which didn't get him very far. He told me he told me he was just trying to make a point.

The mayor of Port Angeles knew about his son's horrible behavior from previous reports so he didn't choose to press charges against me, which was I very fortunate for. I didn't how I would handle things if I had to sit in court and testify for something I had no idea how to explain. I mean, how could you tell a jury that your vampire side took over and started attacking?

As March turned into April and then April to May, I was slowly getting back into the groove of things. It took a while but I was starting to reappear at family gatherings and being more active in my life. I still had a monthly period that was a reminder of what I failed to do but whenever that time came, I just suffered through it like every other normal human woman. I was going to be glad when I was finally free from the pain because it was like nothing I had ever felt but I gritted my teeth through all the cramps and bleeding.

I was sitting in my room after a long day at school, typing frantically on my laptop when Jacob came in.

"Nessie?" He asked.

"In here." I yelled back so he could hear me downstairs.

He came in with a huge smile on his face, "I got them."

"Got what?" I asked when I closed my laptop and he climbed next to me on the bed.

"The papers I asked for."

"Jacob, what are you talking about?"

"Well after we went through all of that stuff a couple months ago, I got in touch with an adoption agency." He looked me over to judge my reaction.

"And…?" I asked.

"I mean, is that something you'd want to do?"

I had never really thought about it as a possible option but now I guess I had to if I wanted a child. I didn't know how that would work with us having such a unique family but I was sure that we would find some way. We had to.

"Can I see them?" I asked and he gave me a folder with several papers in it.

I searched through them silently and thought about what it would be like to adopt a human and raise it like it was my own. I knew I could do it but this past experience had taught me that I wasn't as mature as I thought I was. I had done some stupid things and I had realized that when times get rough, I shut down. I don't act like an adult and that wasn't be the kind of behavior that was right to raise a child.

"Jacob, thank you for this really, but…"

"You're not ready." He guessed and I nodded.

"I'll try it if it's what you want but right now, I don't think it would be right."

"That's ok. We'll talk about it in a couple of years." He kissed my forehead.

"Thank you though for keeping it as an open option."

"It's no problem."

I didn't know when I would be ready or mature enough to handle an adoption but I knew the time would come so I didn't get saddened by the fact that I had to wait. I wanted to be the best mother I could be so if that took years, then that's how long I would wait. After all Jacob and I had an eternity to get there.

HOLY BACK TO NORMAL BATMAN

ONCE AGAIN, THANKS TO MY WONDERFUL BETA SARA. NONE OF THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT YA.

DONT HATE ME BUT YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS. ONCE AGAIN, THE WRITER'S BLOCK FAIRY HAS MADE HER HOME IN MY BRAIN. IM ALMOST DONE WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER BUT I NEED ENCOURAGMENT. PLEASE REVIEW AND GIVE ME SOME LOVE.

I MIGHT EVEN POST THE NEXT CHAPTER TONIGHT IF I GET ENOUGH LOVE AND HURRY UP AND FINISH THE THING.

THANKS