Arizonas POV
Karev had been avoiding her gaze and tiptoeing around her for hours. She knew he was on edge, because the last time they had spoke, really spoke, she had told him he was a horrible person. Of course, she hadn't meant it. She'd been scared, traumatized, and she'd needed a punching bag. Which is why when they both took a break for lunch, instead of resting, because she was in pain from standing half the day, she grabbed Karev by the shirt and pointed him to a conference room.
"In. Now." She ordered, surprised by how like her usual self she sounded. Karev responded immediately, more out of fear then respect, which only bothered Arizona more. She didn't want to scare people, that wasn't who she was. She closed the door softly behind them. Karev still looked nervous, unsure of what to do.
"Stop that." Arizona blurted out. Karev looked at her in confusion.
"Stop what?" He said, avoiding eye contact.
"That! Stop being afraid or nervous or unsure, or whatever!"
Arizona groaned into her hands, she had become terrible with words these days.
"I'm trying to say...listen, I said horrible things to you. And I know you remember them as clearly as I do."
Karev nodded and smiled his nervous half smile.
"I'm doing this whole moving on thing, and it scares the crap outta me. But what's worse is you walking around like a beat up puppy because I was a jerk to you. So stop. It's weird. You don't do that whole thing well. Smart mouth, fight back. Just...be the doctor I trained?"
Karev laughed and locked eyes with Arizona.
"Dude, your apologies suck." He said simply, smiling to show Arizona that he was joking around.
"Yeah, well, take it or leave it." She countered. She already knew that was enough though. She could see it in Karev's demeanor. His shoulders had relaxed, his smile was more genuine.
"Alright, I'll take it. But no offense, you look tired, so let's go eat and sit down."
Arizona smiled. As much as she wanted to fight him on it and say she was fine, she was exhausted. She needed an hour to rest, eat something, drink some water, and she was grateful for Karev caring enough to notice that. So she threw the door open and walked out, leaning more heavily on her cane then she had that morning, Karev close behind. Before they left the room completely though, Arizona stopped in her tracks and turned, nearly crashing into Karev, who threw her a confused and slightly annoyed look.
"You don't have no one. And you're not a horrible person. I just..you need to know that."
Karev smiled, much like he had the first time Arizona had yelled at him after he had freaked out on a terrified father long ago.
"Got it Robbins. Now let's go, I'm starving."
The rest of the day passed fairly slowly. Arizona was starting to feel confident that she would be ready to return to work in a couple weeks full time. Karev had been back to his old self since they're talk, and it had felt amazing to be back in a place where she could be her again. She was on cloud nine right now, on a definite high. When she spotted Callie and Sofia waiting for her at the front doors of the hospital, she flashed her her biggest grin.
"Good day?" Callie asked, laughing when Arizona nodded enthusiastically and laughed.
"Really good day." She confirmed, walking with Callie towards the car. She made silly faces at Sofia, who giggled and squirmed in Callie's arms. Callie settled Sofia into a car seat as Arizona settled herself down in the passenger seat, sighing as she finally got to relax. Quite honestly, despite being extremely pumped up, she was still exhausted, and her residual limb was on fire from standing and walking all day. Despite it all, she was in a good mood. She was nervous, because tonight was the big talk, but all in all, she was ready, prepared. She wanted to let Callie in, to fight through her demons and come out on the other stand stronger then before. The drive home was quiet, but it wasn't the charged, angry silence that had been ever so present before. It was almost comfortable, sitting in the car saying nothing and listening to Sofia chatter endlessly, her face set in a permanent smile. When they got inside, Arizona noticed that Callie's face still fell every time she walked past Mark's old apartment door. She knew eventually that pain would fade. When her brother had first died, she'd felt like her heart was on fire every second. Eventually, the pain had faded, just like all pain did.
"I'll put Sofia to bed. Then we can talk?" Callie offered, holding a sleepy Sofia in her arms. Arizona nodded and smiled, kissing Sofia goodnight before retreating to the couch. She took off her prosthetic and sighed, pulling the leather diary from under the couch cushion. She'd felt like a child hiding it away, but she'd felt safe tucking it under the cushions until she was ready to read it out loud. Callie closed the door to Sofia's room, smiling sweetly in Arizona's direction before crossing the room and plopping herself down on the couch.
"Out like a light. Must be all that chattering she did today." Callie said. Arizona was aware that Callie was trying to small talk until she opened up the floor for a real discussion.
"I'm ready to talk. Just...let me finish okay? You can say anything you want when I'm done, I promise. I just, I need to say everything." She stammered, relieved when a tanned hand wound its way into hers and squeezed tightly.
"Arizona, breathe. Of course I'll let you finish." Callie's voice was calm, soothing, supportive. It calmed some of the nerves Arizona was feeling. Arizona opened the book, snuck one last look up at Callie's loving gaze, and dove in. It was now or never.
"At first, I was going to read you everything I'd written in here. Except that that would be pointless. If I'm trying to get back to me, why would I bring back the memory of the person I don't want to be anymore?"
Deep breath, quick blink, Arizona's eyes refused to leave the paper.
"So here it is, everything I'm feeling. I wish I didn't have to write down the things I'm feeling, but if I don't I'm afraid I'll wimp out or get angry and keep it all inside, and you mean too much to me to let myself do that."
Arizona snuck a glance up, Callie's eyes were trained on her, taking in her every word, nodding supportively. The look of pure love in her eyes urged Arizona to continue.
"In the woods, I changed. Some parts of me will never be the same. That scares me, that I might never get back to who I was. I've always been someone who liked control, independence. And for those months after the accident, I felt like I had no control. Sometimes I still feel like my life is a ride that I am no longer in charge of. I can't punish you for that though. I can't punish you or Alex or anyone else for what has happened. It's life. It's unpredictable. And I realize that the only thing that's made my rollercoaster life worth living are the people I love. My parents, my brother, Nick, Mark, Alex...but most of all, Sofia and you. See I figure as long as I have you and Sofia, I can fight through whatever life throws at me. I'm not always going to fight through it well though. Sometimes I'm going to lose my patience and I'm going to lash out. But I am really, really working on that. I want to be better, to be better for you, and for our daughter. I'm not angry anymore, not much anyways. I'm not crippled with a rage I can't control or understand. I'm crippled with fear. I'm afraid all the time. There's little things, like I'm afraid to fall, afraid I won't be able to do long surgeries. But those are little, I can push through those fears. All the biggest fears, they're all about you, Calliope. You scare me, for so many reasons. Because I'm afraid you'll realize you don't love this changed me, that you'll decide a one-legged wife isn't as fun as a two-legged one. And before you disagree, I know it's irrational, I do, but I can't help it. I'm afraid to get close, I'm afraid to kiss you or hold you because if I let you get close I'm afraid that'll be what scares you away. And most importantly, I guess I just don't see how I can be sexy again. It's not all bad though, who I've become. I've realized in the last couple days that not all the changes are bad though. I have the opportunity to live each moment like it could be my last, because I know firsthand what it's like to be certain you were dying. I can spend my life cherishing you and Sofia because I get to be with you both. Mark didn't get that. He didn't get Lexie, or Sofia, or you. If I want to honor his death, and I do, because I loved him, then I sure as hell need to start living like I've got a second chance."
Arizona hadn't reached the end of her writing, but for some reason she stopped. Because suddenly she didn't want to speech, she wanted to talk. To discuss, to lift out of those pages and face the woman in front of her.
So she lifted her eyes, ripped them from the comfort of the pages, and dared to look.
She'd be forever grateful that she did.
Callies POV
Sitting there, watching Arizona fight back tears and struggle to breathe and she opened herself up was hard. Callie was torn, because part of her, like always, just wanted to reach over and tug the blonde into her arms, to shield her from it all. But she couldn't ignore the part of her that was hurt and insecure by the things Arizona had said and done when she hadn't been herself. As she stared at blonde curls that tumbled over shaking shoulders, Callie was aware that it was all very simple. Even if she was hurt, even if she was insecure, it was all so simple. She'd never love anybody the way she loved Arizona. Nobody had ever fought for her the way Arizona did, no one had ever made her knees weak the way Arizona did with just a smile. Insecurities? They could talk through those. They could work through Arizona's physical ones too. It was work that was worth it. Because when you found the love of your life, when a miracle delivered them back to you from the grasp of death, you didn't just walk away. So when Arizona paused, and looked up, her deep blue eyes wildly terrified and nervous, Callie just looked back, radiating all that love and confidence she was feeling. It was a strange shift for them as a couple. Arizona had always been the strong one, supporting Callie through family crisis', George dying, pregnancies and car accidents. This was one of the few times when it was Arizona who needed the support. And her wife was a type A independent woman, she didn't like relinquishing control to other people.
"Can I talk now?" Callie whispered quietly, offering a smile, happy when Arizona nodded and her shoulders stopped shaking.
"Perfect. Arizona, there are a million things I want to say. Good and bad. You're afraid all the time? Well me too. I'm afraid all the time because I spent the last months tiptoeing around you, and I am petrified to say the wrong thing and bring out that side of you that terrifies me. You said things that have hurt my confidence too. So maybe we're both a little broken and scared and messed up. Maybe the real solution here is that we start being terrified together, we keep working on this until you're not afraid to let me touch you, and I'm not afraid to ask you about what happened in those woods."
Arizona was nodding, blue eyes red with tears, but she didn't look away. It gave Callie the confidence to continue.
"We need to start again. Get to know eachother again, the way we used to know one another. I want to take you out dancing, I want to hold your hands at the movies, all the silly stupid things you do when you're first falling in love with someone because that's what we both need right now."
Arizona laughed and reached out to hold Callies hand, sinking her entire body into Callies. Callies wrapped an arm around Arizona and pulled her in, enjoying the feeling of Arizona cuddling up to her side.
"I already hold your hand, Calliope, we don't need movies for that."
Callie laughed and tipped Arizona's face up to face her own.
"Maybe I'll try for a kiss then." She murmured is a husky voice, risking a wink. Arizona smiled and blushed, looking perfectly adorable as she did so. Callie couldn't resist running a thumb lovingly over a pale, tear stained cheek. She was too amazed, every second, every day, by the woman sitting next to her. Arizona closed her eyes and buried her face into Callies neck, much like she always had.
"Mmm..Callie?" She murmured, not even bothering to move out of the crook of Callies neck.
"Yes?" Callie answered, running her fingers innocently up and down Arizona's far arm, lost in thought.
"I like when you look at me like that. It makes me feel a little bit less... insecure? Or horrible or something."
Callie didn't speak right away, because the idea that Arizona found herself horrible was awful. Because she was angry at the plane for doing this. Because she hated that she couldn't fix this problem easily. But when she did speak, she was sure on what to say.
"For the record, Arizona, you're always going to be the sexiest woman in the world to me. And if you ever, ever need a list of reasons, come to me."
She dropped a quick kiss on blonde curls for effect, before pulling Arizona impossibly closer.
"Because that list, god, that list goes on forever."