Chapter 12: The Struggle

December 17th, 1998

'Headmaster, are you free right now?' projected Azrael hesitantly through the wooden door to the Headmaster's office.

"Yes, m'boy. Take a seat please, come in." The young man's head nodded silently, his inky hair had now grown to just below his shoulders and still going. Once the boy was seated, Dumbledore continued. "How are your days lately? Is there much time left anymore with Severus as your mentor?"

'Tons of time. Mostly, I've been making bases for his older classes to start on and some potions and salves for the infirmary. Not much room to complain. Plus I go see the unicorns all the time. Hagrid asks me to go out there so he can keep track of how many are in the herd.'

"Yes, Hagrid told me of your special way with the young foals especially. But I have a feeling you are here for a reason dear boy."

The twinkling eyes waited for Azrael to answer. 'I'd like to transfer for the rest of the year to another school. I've done everything that Hogwarts has to offer and though I will still stay for the required years, I want to get any and every piece of knowledge available and utilize my resources. I believe that if any other school offers a course that Hogwarts does not, that it would be foolish to waste away my school years puttering about the castle when I could be studying. Am I making sense at all, Headmaster?'

Albus sat back in his seat. He had had one exchange student before from Beauxbatons Academy some fifty or sixty years ago but none of his students from Hogwarts had ever asked for a temporary transfer. His blue eyes settled on the figure of the slim boy before him. The child was smart and who was the Headmaster to deny such a request for education. "I shall contact Madame Maxime at Beauxbatons in France. Do you speak French?"

Azrael was thoughtful. 'I'm not sure. If someone were to speak it I might recognize it. I don't know. It might be like my English. I know very much English but when my memories start back in August it took me a few days to adjust with Sirius and Remus. It's as if I was taught it but it's not the language that I spoke natively.'

"Speaking of which," the Headmaster mused, "have you figured out anything yet? Any closer to who you were?"

'A little here and there but not much. I remember my brother but my description could fit a thousand boys in England alone.'

"I see. Would you like me to contact Madame Maxime now or would you prefer I deal with the details without you present?"

'Now would be best.'

Albus nodded his consent and walked to the fireplace. He took a handful of unusual yellow powder and threw it into the floo. "For international floo service," Dumbledore provided the answer to the unspoken question.

"Madame Maxime, Beauxbatons Academy, France."

December 31st, 1998

'Sev?' Azrael called from the other room. 'Sev!' he tried a little louder in Severus' mind.

"What Ángel?" Severus entered his bedroom at Spinner's End with two glasses of champagne and took a seat on the loveseat placed at the end of his new four poster king sized bed. He took a quick sip of one of the glasses and placed them both on a small coffee table.

'Are Padfoot or Moony coming tonight?' he asked from Severus' en suite bath.

"No, both are going to the Weasley's house for New Year's. Molly invited them over as a tradition, remember? They asked if you wanted to go with them," Severus reminded him lightly.

'Yes, I remember,' Azrael said exiting the bathroom and turning out the light, 'and I also remember Sirius making a snide comment about "leaving Snape to his moping" and I said forget it.' The young man twenty years Severus' junior sat down beside him and huddled into his side.

"I still think it's foolish to choose me over your... father of sorts. You see me every day and him for a week every four to five months. I would think you would visit him when provided the chance, not hang around with your dour potions professor. I really don't understand why you bother with me."

Azrael was shocked and sat up immediately. 'What are you trying to say?'

Severus' eyes went wide with the implication of what he said, "No, no, no... I'm not trying to push you away. If it's in your mind, banish the thought. I just don't understand why a young man like you would want to be around a man more than twice his age in close contact. Our relationship is... unique. There isn't much of a label one could put on it."

'Maybe it doesn't need one,' supplied Azrael as he settled in beside Severus, whom was wearing his occasional cotton t-shirt and pyjama pants, watching the fire and the clock with the wireless on at a low volume. Azrael buried his face close to his beloved friend and breathed in the scent of cleaned cotton and sandalwoods and vanilla with herbs that was Severus Snape. He would miss this... probably long before he would actually leave for France.

Azrael had neglected to mention his plan to go to Beauxbatons at the start of the new school session to Severus because he feared the man would push him away. As the day came closer he realized the longer he put it off for his own selfish reasons, the worse Severus would react. With only four days left, Azrael resolved to tell him tonight on New Years.

The room was lighted by just the fire and the small tea lights that Azrael had placed around the room to give it a healthy glow but not too much light. As the clock ticked forward and the time came up to 11:23 PM, Azrael decided it was now or never. 'Sev?'

"Yes my Ángel?"

'Would you support all of my choices?' he hedged.

Severus set down his glass and turned his full attention to the younger wizard. "For the most part; it depends on what it is. If it's something that is going to bring you down, then no, I won't encourage it. But if it helps you or is positive in some way, I will support it."

'What if I want to travel?'

"Learning and observing others in their own cultures would be good for you. I suppose we could look at possible travel locations for Easter if you'd like," he answered.

Azrael sighed, 'That's not what I mean, Sev.'

"What do you mean, Ángel?"

'I mean that I'm going to France.'

Severus merely looked interested, "What are you going to France for?"

'The rest of the school year.'

Azrael felt his stomach drop and his mouth go dry when Severus' face changed. The man stood up and started pacing, and stopped a few paces from his place on the couch. "Who and when was this decided?"

'It was decided two weeks ago. I'm leaving in a week to Beauxbatons.' The boy couldn't meet Severus' stare and watched the floor.

"I'll ask you once more – who decided this?" his tone pierced a small hole in his chest, stabbing at his heart.

'I-I did Sev,' was the mentally stuttered reply.

Severus grabbed his wine glass and threw its contents into the fire, making it flare a bit before proceeding to throw the delicate wine glass against the bedroom wall, "Damn it all! Why the hell didn't you tell me? You say we're friends, we spend time together, we fucking cuddle and you couldn't find a moment two weeks ago to tell me? Fuck!" He started pulling at his hair in frustration.

'Sev...'

"No! Don't 'Sev' me! This is your doing. You deliberately chose to not tell me until a week before you're leaving. Tell me, does your father know?"

'Yes, he signed off on it too the last time I saw him at a Slytherin game. I needed his permission.'

"So I'm the last one to know at the last minute?"

'Not last minute...'

"This is so last minute! How could it not be?" Severus shouted.

'Sev, this is important!'

"Then why are you waiting until now? Why?"

'I thought you might not listen and hear me out! I was afraid, okay?'

"So fear means you lying to me? What else are you afraid of? Tell me, because I need to know what else you're lying to me about!"

'It's not even about lying. I-'

"Just get out."

'What?' The boy's mind hit a brick wall and he was still spinning from the impact when Severus replied.

"I said 'get out'. You want to leave, so go."

'But Sev...'

"Now!" he roared.

Azrael went to the fire and grabbed a handful of floo powder. He eyed the shattered glass for a moment before throwing the powder down and entering the fireplace. The fireplace at Grimmauld Place spit him out in an unforgiving manner and he stumbled out of the room, collapsing in a heap on the hallway floor. The frayed red and burgundy paisley rug was tattered and forgotten beneath him as Naos Black curled into himself and cried, huddled up on the floor.

January 1st, 1999

At around 2:30 AM, Sirius stumbled in followed by Remus. They were giddy and laughing about Arthur Weasley's drunken impersonation of Auror Kingsley Shacklebolt. "Come here young one! It is time you learned how to properly stun something." Sirius imitated with stress on certain words.

Remus laughed and sighed shaking his head. "You know, I don't ever think I've seen Arthur so... Az!"

"So Az? Whatever are you talking about..." Sirius trailed off as he turned around from hanging his cloak up and glanced into the hallway where his son lay in a heap under the lamp-light. Upon further examination, the boy was a complete mess. His eyes, though closed, were visibly puffy and red-tinged with dried tear tracks staining his angelic cheeks. His clothing was rumpled and he had some soot on him, probably from the floo.

Moony lifted him into his lap and stroked the child's arms, long fingers running over the criss-crossing scars that the boy usually kept hidden even in private. "Azrael," Remus cooed into the youth's ear. Green eyes opened slowly and they seemed to lack their usual sparkle.

'Sorry if I woke you or something when I came in,' he apologized.

Sirius shook his head, "No, son, we just got in." He pushed the black hair off of the pale face before him. "What happened? I thought you were spending the night with Severus?"

'I was... I just- I should have told him before.' The young teenager lay in Moony's lap looking even more vulnerable than he had ever looked before as he burst into tears. Pity washed over Sirius and his voice laden with wise words was caught in his throat.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered in the boy's ear.

"Me too," a heavily accented voice replied from the werewolf's lap.

January 3rd, 1999

Severus walked into his quarters at Hogwarts and felt a strange air to it. Some books were missing from the table, two pairs of shoes at the door and a few cloaks and a hat from the coat stand were gone. Azrael's things... no, Ángel's things. His Ángel was leaving at an unknown date and the thought made a stabbing feeling occur on the left side of his chest. He moved forward a bit more into the apartment and froze at the sound of soft sniffles from Azrael's bedroom.

He proceeded into the bedroom where the noise was present and halted at the door frame, peering in. It was just Azrael in there, caressing the glass of a picture frame that Severus didn't recognize. While he was leaning forward to get a glance of the picture in the frame, he ran into the door which made a noticeable creak. 'Oh!' Azrael gasped swirling around to see his mentor. 'Sorry, I tried to be here and gone without bothering you. I'm so sorry Sev – I mean, sorry Professor.'

"You don't have to leave," Severus's voice cracked embarrassingly at the end and he looked away. He felt like he was being choked by his heart strings.

'You said you wanted me gone.'

"I lied. You lied and then I lied. I didn't realize I lied until after you had left."

'Two wrongs don't make a right.'

"No, but two lefts do."

Azrael put down the picture frame and gave a weak smile. 'Can I hug you?'

"Any time," Severus opened his arms in invitation and Azrael accepted. "I'm sorry."