"Homemade pudding." Omi said with a careful smile.
"Is it strawberry?" Nagi asked.
"Nope."
"I'm gonna hafta guess this, aren't I?"
"Yup."
Nagi hesitantly took a bite and considered. "This is really good. I don't think I've ever tasted anything like this before."
Omi grinned. "It's a Western recipe. I'm trying new things." Pause. "Where's my present?"
Nagi was completely distracted by the yummy pudding. He floated out Omi's present, which was a box with holes in it. Omi shook it expectantly and it made a yelp noise.
"Don't shake the box!" Nagi instructed.
"Okay." Omi opened the top nervously. Considering the environment Nagi was raised in, a yelping present had a foreboding connotation to it. He very slowly lifted out a cat carrier with a bow on it. Omi's eyes lit up and he squealed. He opened the carrier and pulled out a cuddly Bombay kitten. Omi started squealing and cuddling the kitten.
Nagi made a similar squealing noise as he clutched his throat.
Omi didn't notice.
"Oh my god she's so cute! Thank you Nagi-kun! She's so cute, and she's my kitten, and I don't even know what I should name her!"
Nagi was now gasping and croaking loudly. His chair tipped back.
"Oh Nagi, look at her! She's batting at my bangs! She's got the cutest little paws and the cutest little-"
Nagi fell over.
Thud.
"Whiskers…Nagi?"
ELSEWHERE
"Methinks I hear the shower…" Farfarello mused, stroking Curt Schilling as he walked towards the bathroom to inspect. He almost tripped over Schuldig, who was lying comatose on the hallway floor.
"Curtina!" Farf yelped as the tiny hamster flew out of his hands and landed on a pile of dirty laundry. Curt Schilling immediately started grooming herself.
"Oh, she's okay." Farf said, relieved.
"Geroff m'face." Schuldig groaned.
"Fine. You're all bony and pokey anyway. I assume that's Dana in the shower? How did he get in there?" Farf asked.
"He climbed in through the bathroom window. The whelp left it open when he snuck off to visit Omi. Did you know he was hiding the milk in there? The little bastard! Well I got my revenge. Let's see how well that laptop works after its been soaking in rancid milk for three hours! Ha ha!" Schuldig cried triumphantly.
"Schuldig, isn't that a bit irresponsible considering all of our files are saved on that computer?" Farfarello asked.
"Stop being so damn lucid and cackle with me." Schuldig pouted.
Farfarello narrowed his eye. "I don't feel like cackling. Good day to you sir." With that, he stormed off into the living room to have a chat with Curt Schilling.
"My hair doesn't smell like your vomit anymore, so you are forgiven." Dana announced, toweling off his hair as he exited the recently liberated bathroom.
"It was your great idea to bring me out when I was drunk." Schuldig said. "It was your own damn fault."
"And it was my fault we got arrested because of what you did to that poor street performer too, was it?" Dana demanded.
"Hey, he was coming on to me!" Schuldig insisted.
Dana scowled. "And I thought Grau was dysfunctional. I am really sick of picking up after everyone. I can't wait until we go back to Greenland."
"What? You live in Greenland?" Farf asked.
"I'm sorry." Schuldig put in.
"Eh. It's not as bad as Maine." Dana shrugged.
"You lived in Maine?" Farf asked.
"No. But I've heard stories. Horrible stories. Anyway, we're heading back to Greenland in a few days, so you'd damn well better make up with your brother and you'd damn well better…buy me a new shirt. It was a very nice one you ruined." Dana sniffed.
"I'll write you a check." Schuldig said casually. Dana looked suspicious, but he was appeased enough to leave. Schuldig chuckled as soon as he heard the door shut. "Stupid bastard. Like I have a checking account."
"Like you have any money." Farfarello added.
I can still hear you. Dana thought at them.
Farfarello shuddered. "New voice."
Schuldig sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Then a thought struck him. "Where the hell is fearless leader? Shouldn't he be in here putting distance between you and Curt Schilling?"
"Curtina. And I have no idea. That's why I'm bonding with her. She really is a lovely hamster."
"It's a boy. And he's getting fat. Crawfoo's got to lay off the hamster treats." Schuldig noted.
"That's because it's such a stressful environment here. She's been eating compulsively. You should know a thing or two about that-"
"I'll fucking kill you!"
"Somebody's on his man period." Farf said, sticking out his tongue at Schuldig. Schuldig grabbed his tongue and pulled. Farf waved his hands in objection.
"It might not be painful but it can't be pleasant!" Schuldig growled.
"Eh lhey eh bweh!" Farf cried. Curt Schilling cowered and ran off to hide under the sofa.
It was then that the door opened and a very surly looking Brad Crawford entered the penthouse.
"Dare I hope this is all you've been doing in the time I left you unsupervised?" He asked.
"Farf had a splinter in his tongue. I was helping him." Schuldig lied half heartedly, releasing his hold on Farfarello. "Farf, you gotta stop licking the floors. Lemony scent, though refreshing, does not mean it will taste like lemon."
"Nagi's gone. We got the bathroom back!" Farf announced. "I can finally pee standing up again."
"Where did Nag- what?" Crawford asked.
"The opossums scare me." Farfarello explained. Schuldig and Crawford stared at him for a minute, then decided it was best to move on.
"What were you saying?" Schuldig asked.
"Where did Nagi go?" Crawford asked.
"Nnn…Weiss." Farf guessed.
"School." Schuldig said.
"Hospital." Farf added.
"Library."
"Circus."
"Orphanage."
"Apple." Farf said. Schuldig raised an eyebrow. "I thought it was that word game."
"Ah. So he's unaccounted for. Lovely. We've got an inspection in a half hour and we're short a teammate. That will go over swimmingly." Crawford said sarcastically.
"An inspection eh?" Schuldig asked. "I heard about no inspection."
"Well it's not customary for them to give us much notice." Crawford noted.
"It's like they don't trust us. How can they not trust an elite team like Schwartz?" Schuldig demanded.
"Farf! What the hell did you do to the garbage disposal?" Crawford yelled, upon entering the kitchen.
"It threatened my people." Farf muttered lamely.
"And the ketchup?" Schuldig asked.
"The blood of my people. We shall have freedom!" Farf shouted.
MEANWHILE
"Aya…I think I got a burn." Ken whined.
Aya smiled, and Ken was scared.
"I just happen to have a container of burn ointment here." He said, attempting to sound nice.
Ken smiled hopefully. He was still nervous, as this nice Aya was new territory for him, but he was also cautiously optimistic. "Okay Aya. Can I have the ointment?"
"Sure. Just tell me how you did it first." Aya said, still sounding pleasant."
"Oh that's easy. I gave you the really hot chocolate. And I trusted you. That's how I got burned." Ken explained.
"No. Tell me how you aced the IQ test. How did you cheat?" Aya asked, some of the forced niceness dropping from his voice.
"Are you accusing me of cheating?" Ken asked.
"Yes. Now how did you do it?" Aya demanded.
"I am offended sir. Get out of my room." Ken said, turning his back to Aya.
"It's my room!"
"Oh, good. Washing these sheets would be murder. You know chocolate doesn't come out." Ken babbled.
"Neither does blood. How did you ace the damn test!" Aya roared.
"I want to go home." Ken eeped.
"Answer me."
"What test? What are you talking about?" Ken cried.
Aya paused. His eyes widened. "The-the IQ test. It was on the scan-tron sheet. The multiple choice…multiple choice…wait…"
"Oh, I thought we were coloring. I was playing leap frog with the dots." Ken explained. "Aya, are you okay?"
Aya was laughing.
"Aya? Aya, are you okay?" Ken asked.
"Yes…yes I'm fine. You know, our bosses think you're a genius Ken." Aya started.
"Kay. Can I have that ointment now?"
"I mean, they think you're really smart. They've been studying your techniques. They want to teach them to their other assassins." Aya continued.
"It's really starting to hurt Aya…"
"They think that thing with the newspaper is a brilliant decoy…"
"It's all red…and it's irritated." Ken whined.
Aya started laughing again, while Ken started crying.
IN THE MISSION ROOM…
Yohji sat on the couch, staring at his hands. He still hadn't recovered the use of his voice, and instead of working to correct the problem, he was stewing in his misery. 'Maybe if I had pounded the keypad…but no, he probably wouldn't have liked that. Maybe I could have slammed the phone against the wall and he would have thought I was being attacked. I could have used Morse code. I don't know Morse code! Years of my life, wasted!'
His circular thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing. He let it go for seven rings before he realized no one else was going to get it and reluctantly picked up the receiver.
A tape recording started from the other line.
"Weiss, this message will not repeat so listen carefully. You have a reconnaissance mission which will factor heavily into this year's Christmas bonus. Go to the old abandoned mill where you will find an underground organ theft operation in full swing. We have reason to believe the son of the kidney doctor you…denied tomorrow to, god that sounds stupid Persia. Can't you get someone to write this for you so I don't have to sound like an idiot? What do you mean what do you pay me for? Oh, well anyway get some dirt on him and get back to us or you get no bonus. Happy Christmas. And a merry Hanukah."
Yohji glared at the phone as the message ran out. He would have growled under his breath if he were capable as he grabbed his coat and headed out on the mission alone, unable to talk.
TBC, hopefully in a timely manner. Sorry about the delay folks!