By the time Stef reached the spot where Callie and Luca were, she could see Callie's shoulders shaking as she cried into Luca's shirt. Callie took a gasping breath, the kind of breath you take when you are crying hard and forget that you have to breathe before you continue to cry. In that one moment she caught a glimpse of Stef and she stood up a little straighter, trying to brush her tears away, but try as she might Stef could see through the walls her daughter was trying to put up. Luca took the opportunity to grab Callie's bag and Stef reached out her hand to Callie, hoping that her daughter would take the offered support. Callie carefully placed her hand in her mother's and once again, the gentle touch seemed to overwhelm her and she quickly dissolved into tears, allowing Stef to pull her into a hug.
"It's ok baby. I got you." Luca took hesitant steps toward the house and Stef gently pulled Callie and began walking her toward the house. Once they reached the front door, Luca placed Callie's bag next to the door and stood by Stef, waiting to see where he could be useful. Callie pulled away from her mother and for the first time since she came home she took in her surroundings. Her siblings were in the living room and all of them seemed like they wanted to ask her the same question.
Callie held up her hand as if to stop all of them from even saying anything.
"I don't want to talk about it a lot tonight. I just want to take a shower and have a breather before I try processing everything. I appreciate your concern, truly, but right now, I just need everyone to kind of leave me alone." Callie walked upstairs, slowly taking her uniform off as she ascended the stairs. When the bathroom door shut Luca looked to Stef as if to ask what he was meant to do now.
"Honey, giver her ten minutes. Remember how you wanted to break something to feel better, to get all those feelings out, well, she needs the chance to do something similar."
"How do I help her if she wants to be left alone?"
Stef rubbed Luca's arm and smiled, "honey, she doesn't want to be left alone. She just doesn't want to fall apart in front of an audience. There is no right way to handle this, but the only wrong thing we can do is let her try and handle it on her own." Luca nodded, but seemed lost in thought.
"How about everyone head to bed and we can tackle this in the morning? Callie is home and is safe and for tonight…that is going to have be enough. We can smoother her with love in the morning when she feels a bit better." The twins and Jude went upstairs, but not without a fight, but deep down they knew their mother was right. That left Lena, Stef and Luca standing in the living room, unsure about who should do what.
"I'm going to go grab her some dry clothes." Lena went upstairs and Stef and Luca retired to the kitchen.
"What do I say to her? I'm sorry your friend died and you had to find him and bring him home? How the hell do I even bring up what happened without destroying her all over again?"
"Luca, honey, listen to me. Callie has lived a life full of things trying to destroy her and so far nothing has been able to. This will change her, but it will not and has not destroyed her. Just let her drive the conversation. You never forget the first person you lose doing this kind of work and I am sure her head is still trying to make sense of something that has no sense behind it." An uneasy silence settled over them in the kitchen that was only broken when Callie entered the kitchen dressed in an old pair of PJs she left at the house.
"You hungry babe?" Callie shook her head no, but took a seat next to Luca, leaning against his shoulder as she sat.
"My stomach is in knots."
"How about some tea?" Stef offered and Callie nodded. Stef made the tea and before she put the mug in front of Callie she added a splash of whiskey.
"Thanks for spiking my tea." Callie smiled for the first time since she got home and Stef smiled back at her.
"Don't tell mama." Stef put the liquor away and returned to the table, knowing that the silence is what Callie needed right then. Maybe ten minutes into this silent vigil Callie polished off her tea and start playing with the mug.
"I told his family."
"Isn't that someone else's job?" Callie nodded at her fiancé with a watery smile.
"His folks live in Australia, this was the only way to notify them. Someone else could've done it, but…I was there, I found him, he was my crewmember, under my command so I made the call. I…don't think I'll ever get the sound of his mother crying out of my head."
Callie pushed back tears and pressed on, "the explosion is what got him. He was still looking for that other pilot and if he hadn't been…if I had stayed in the water." Stef grabbed Callie's hands to steady them and to get her daughter's attention.
"If you had stayed in that water then it could've been you that did make it home alive Callie. Or maybe you would've. But listen my love, you cannot keep thinking about what should've happened or who should've been the one in danger. Your job is dangerous, you and your crew risk your life every day and things like this happen and honey, when they do, survivor's guilt is a very real thing."
"I'm not sorry that I lived, but I had been in that spot not 4 minutes earlier and if I hadn't moved…I know it was stupid, diving in after him, especially since it was dark and I had no line."
"I'm sure you had your reasons Callie, no one here is judging your choice to go in after him." Callie could read her mother's face that this topic had been a point of contention prior to her coming home.
"When we first got our drew assignments, we were pretty happy. Will and I knew each other because we worked so closely in training and the others were people we were friends with. So we all already had this connection and we made this promise to each other to never leave anyone behind. We all come home together or we don't come home at all." Callie looked straight ahead, not making eye contact with her mother and moving away slightly from Luca.
"I knew he was gone before I went in. I knew I wasn't going to be able to save his life, but I was not going to leave him there. I promised I was going to bring him home…so that's what I did. It was not the way I wanted him to come home, but I kept my word…he came home with us and we didn't leave him behind." Luca kissed the side of Callie's head and rubbed her back once again allowing her to sink into his embrace.
"You went above and beyond Callie. Now his family and friends will have closure and be able to properly say goodbye. You made good on your promise. Let that be the thing you focus on. That and the fact that you gave his family the peace of not watching him getting pulled from the water." Callie's face cringed when she thought about making them kill the lights she had on her in the water.
"That news reporter will be very sorry after the phone call she will be receiving from my commanding officer in the morning."
"I bet." Lena walked into the kitchen and took a seat next to Stef.
"You guys gonna stay here tonight or do you think you'll head home?" Luca turned to Callie for the answer.
"Your call babe."
Callie looked at her fiancée and both her mothers before turning back to Luca.
"I think I want to sleep my bed tonight, not on the couch or in my twin mattress upstairs. Let's go home." Luca nodded and went to go gather their things and Lena joined him, knowing that some of Callie's things would be left at the house because they needed to be stored there or cleaned. Stef walked over to the seat Luca had just left and took a seat next to her daughter.
"Does it ever get any easier?"
"No honey, it doesn't. And the day it does is the day you quit and go do something else. Cases involving shootings and death still upset me and I've been a cop for years. It doesn't get easier Callie, you just learn how to cope with the feelings it brings up. You learn how to take care of yourself. That part gets easier, but the death and the hurting…that will always break your heart a little bit. That's why not everyone does these jobs Callie." Callie nodded her head, knowing her mother had valid points, but she didn't know what else to say in that moment when she was still in a bit of shock.
"I love you."
"I love you too sweets."
"I know, but I wanted you to hear me say it. Cuz tonight I came really close to never being able to tell you that to your face again so I'm taking the opportunity now…I love you so much." Stef wrapped her arms around Callie and just let her be for a while.
"Mama and I love you Callie and we know you love us, but we never get tired of hearing it."
So kind of short, but I am anxious of writing my dissertation intro and it gets in the way of writing for fun, but I wanted to get this chapter up. I'm gonna focus on this for like one or two more chapters then move on, but the first death in Callie's career felt like something that needed attention.