Scene opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are standing in the kitchen. A box of Ramen noodles is sitting on the counter.

Phoebe: I don't see how you can live off this stuff the way you do, Joey. It's disgusting.

Chandler: I disagree.

Phoebe: Well, then you're stupid.

Chandler: Trust me, if I didn't live with a chef, I would be eating Ramen every night for dinner and loving it. It's delicious. It's cheap, it's easy, it's fast.

Joey snaps.

Chandler: Are we out of our hypnotic trances now?

Joey: Cheap, easy, fast? Sorry, it sounded like you were talking about a hooker.

Chandler: Then why did you snap?

Joey: It's a thing. When somebody sets himself up for a dirty joke, you snap instead of saying "that's what she said" or something.

Phoebe: Oh, I get it. You're a ten-year-old!

Joey: You can tease me all you want, but I'm telling you, it's going around. Everybody is doing it.

Chandler snaps. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is carrying a duffel bag and has a suitcase behind her. Chandler is standing beside her, holding Jack and Erica.

Monica: Did you call ahead to verify our reservations at the hotel?

Chandler: Yes. And just ignore any weird looks we get, I may have thought that I was on hold when I wasn't and started singing "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith because I had it stuck in my head.

Monica: You what?

Chandler: I said may. It's only a slight possibility.

Monica: Whatever. You cancelled the newspaper, right?

Chandler: Okay, really, it's only a weekend, two newspa-

Monica: Did you?

Chandler: Yes!

Monica: Don't test me, Bing, I'm in full travel mode.

Chandler: Travel mode? Is that like when you made me wear a kiddie leash the last time we were in an airport?

Monica: I didn't want you to get lost. Haven't you heard all those horror stories about husbands wandering off and getting abducted?

Chandler: …No.

Monica: Well… didn't you like wearing the little teddy bear?

Chandler: …Yes.

Monica: Okay. Don't test me. Did you remember to drop the kids off at Ross and Rachel's?

Chandler looks down at Jack and Erica.

Chandler: Yes.

Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Joey and Erin are standing behind the couch. Enter Chandler.

Chandler (to Ross and Rachel): Hey, can you guys take Jack and Erica this weekend?

Rachel (to Ross): Tell him we have plans.

Ross: We have plans.

Chandler: Doing what?

Rachel: Tell him we're also going away for the weekend.

Ross: We're also going away for the weekend.

Chandler: Where are you going?

Rachel: Um… um… um… Tell him we can't hear him.

Ross: We can't-

Chandler: Oh, shut up.

Chandler sits in a chair at the end table.

Chandler: You guys should really perfect telecommunication.

Joey: Yeah, Erin and I have it.

Erin and Joey stare at each other intently.

Rachel: You're both just thinking about food.

Joey: Hey, look, Rache has it too!

Erin: Alright, I have to go to work.

Joey: Oh, yeah, where is it you work again?

Erin: This show, Days of Our Lives. Have you heard of it?

Joey: Hey, I work there too!

Erin: Small world!

Erin kisses Joey and exits.

Joey: How long before that bit starts getting old?

Chandler: It's the first time I'm hearing it and I want to punch you in the face.

Rachel: So, Erin's at Days of Our Lives now?

Joey: Yup. I'm finally the one getting jobs for other people.

Chandler: Haven't you slept with, like, all the extras and minor actresses on that show?

Joey: Most of them.

Chandler: Aren't you worried that Erin's going to meet them?

A pause.

Joey: Oh, crap.

Exit Joey.

Ross: I should be going, too.

Rachel: Where?

Ross: Well, I'm getting a massage from our Phoebe Buffay.

Rachel: I thought you hated massages.

Ross: Yeah, but I felt like it would be good to do her a favor, and also to try something for the first time. I know I'd feel bad if you guys didn't come to my lectures.

Rachel: That's right, and as soon as I clear up that little ID snafu at NYU I will be right in there, listening to you!

Ross: Alright, I don't want to be late! Bye, Rachel, love you!

Rachel: Bye!

Rachel and Ross kiss. Exit Ross.

Chandler: Aren't you worried?

Rachel: About what?

Chandler (sarcastically): The Mayan-predicted end of the world in 2012.

Rachel: This is why we don't hang out alone together.

Chandler: Aren't you worried about your husband… in a room… naked… while some other woman rubs him…?

Rachel: It's Phoebe! She's not going to try anything.

Chandler: Noticed that you didn't defend Ross.

Rachel: I trust both of them. Besides, Phoebe is a professional.

Chandler: Okay, but this is pretty much the exact situation you went through with Paolo. Remember when Phoebe gave him a massage? And remember the whole Ross-and-Chloe-the-Copy-Girl incident?

A pause.

Rachel: Oh, crap.

Exit Rachel.

Chandler: I am getting good at this!

Enter Monica, carrying a duffel bag and the twins and pulling a suitcase behind her.

Monica (sarcastically): Thanks for all your help, hubby.

Chandler: Sorry, sorry.

Chandler stands up and takes Jack and Erica.

Monica: Did you talk to Ross and Rachel?

Chandler: Yeah, I don't think they can take the kids, at least not if we want to leave right now. Ross is in the middle of getting a massage and Rachel is in the middle of… thinking he's getting more than a massage.

Monica: What? Why would she think that?

Chandler: Well, I didn't say anything!

Monica: Maybe we should just drive out to my parents' and drop the kids off there.

Chandler: I was really looking forward to getting out of here now, though. I wanted to order room service lunch.

Monica: This morning you said you wanted to get McDonald's for lunch.

Chandler: I have constantly changing needs!

Scene ends and opens on the set of Days of Our Lives. Erin is talking to another actress.

Erin: Yeah, I'm Joey's fiancée. He got me the job.

Actress (Belle): You're Joey's fiancé? Are you sure? He did actually ask you to marry him, right?

Erin: Yeah…

Belle: That's really out of character for him. Joey Tribbianni?

Erin: Yeah. The only Joey on this show.

Belle: Well, you must know something I don't, because he was way too afraid of commitment when I was with him.

Erin: You were… what?

Belle: Actually, I'm the one he was cheating on Rebecca Sanchez with.

Belle points to another actress standing at a short distance away from them.

Erin: He dated Rebecca Sanchez?

Belle: Don't you read magazines?

Erin: No, I have a life.

Belle: Are you saying I don't?

Enter Joey, behind them.

Joey: Hey, Erin.

Erin and Belle do not notice him.

Erin: Are you calling my fiancé a man-whore?

Joey: Please tell me you two are doing a scene.

Scene ends and opens in the waiting room for Phoebe's massage parlor. Rachel is pacing back and forth on the floor. A man waiting for his massage is sitting in a chair in the waiting room.

Man (Rick): Nervous about something?

Rachel: Yeah.

Rick: Is that why you're here? For a massage?

Rachel: I'm not really here for a massage.

Rick: Oh. I could give you one, for free. If you wanted.

Rachel: Oh, do you work here?

Rick: No.

Rachel: Okay. I'm going to stay on this side of the room.

Enter Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey, Rache. What are you doing here?

Rachel: Chandler just got me a little freaked out.

Phoebe: Oh, was it his Tim Allen impression? It sounds so creepy!

Rachel: No. He was just… saying some things… about Ross. And you.

Phoebe: What? Did he tell you about the refrigerator camera thing? Because I swear that was Ross's idea, I didn't even know about it!

Rachel: Okay, you're freaking me out more than the Tim Allen thing right now. No, Chandler may have suggested that you and Ross were… doing more than massaging.

Phoebe: We are.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: I also gave him a haircut. Did he not tell you that?

Rachel: Stop scaring me! Tell the truth.

Phoebe: Stop asking me roundabout questions, then! What are you trying to say?

Rick: I believe she's attempting to insinuate that you and this Ross are having an affair.

Phoebe: How did you get back in here? What about your restraining order?

Rick: It was retracted.

Phoebe: Really?

Rick: No.

Phoebe: Get out!

Rick exits.

Rachel: Wow, he was really-

Phoebe: Do you seriously think I'd do that?

Rachel: Do what?

Phoebe: Cheat on Mike, with Ross, who's married to you. That's three people that I love! I'd never do anything to hurt you, or them.

Rachel: Oh, Phoebe-

Phoebe: I mean yeah, I have cheated on boyfriends before. I mean, who hasn't-

Rachel raises her hand.

Phoebe: But I'm married now. I'm settled down. And Ross is your husband. We're just friends. I'm just his friend, helping him out when he was a sore back and a sucky haircut.

Rachel: I know, well- wait, I gave him his last haircut.

Phoebe: Continue.

Rachel: I just felt really paranoid. Everything just seems kind of suspicious.

Phoebe: Rachel, do you trust me?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: Do you trust him?

Rachel: Yes.

Phoebe: Do you think Ross could ever get someone as hot as me?

Rachel: No. Wait, are you saying you're hotter than me?

Phoebe: Stop getting mad at me, I'm trying to convince you that I'm not sleeping with your husband!

Enter Ross.

Ross: Hey. What are you doing here, Rachel?

Rachel: I'm… getting a massage! From Phoebe!

Ross: Oh, okay. I'll see you at home.

Rachel: Okay.

Exit Ross.

Phoebe: You're really going to let me give you a massage?

Rachel: No.

Scene ends and opens on the set of Days of Our Lives. Joey, Erin, and Belle are standing together.

Erin: Joey, what are you doing here?

Joey: I came to hang out with you, my fiancée, the only woman I have ever loved!

Belle: I thought you were also in love with that Rachel girl a few years ago.

Erin: Do you work for TMZ? Are they following him?

Joey: Belle, can you just leave us alone for now?

Belle: Can't be too hard, you've been doing that to me ever since we slept together.

Erin: So you two did sleep together?

Joey: No!

Belle: Yes.

Joey: She's right.

Belle: I'm just gonna go. They've got spicy meatballs over at the food table.

Belle exits. Joey begins to exit, but Erin grabs his arm.

Erin: Seriously? Love test, me or meatballs?

Joey (reluctantly): You.

Erin: Are you trying to hide all of your ex-girlfriends from me?

Joey: No! I don't have any ex-girlfriends.

Erin: Joey!

Joey: Okay, I may have dated a few other girls.

Erin: Look, we've both been with other people in the past. It's not like we don't have baggage. Hell, I was pregnant once-

Joey: Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa whoa-

Erin: Joey, calm down. Brad's? Years ago?

Joey: Sorry. I told you, be careful about using that word.

Erin: I'm just trying to say, don't act like you need to pretend you haven't slept with women before.

Joey: Okay.

Erin: Okay. I love you.

Joey: I love you too. Meatballs?

Erin: Hell yeah, I'm starving.

Erin and Joey exit. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Monica is holding Jack and Erica. Ross is sitting beside them on the couch and Rachel is sitting in the arm chair. Phoebe is sitting on the floor in front of the couch.

Ross (to Chandler and Monica): Hey, I thought you two were going on that big trip this weekend?

Chandler and Monica: Meh.

Rachel: You spent two weeks planning and packing for this trip and now you're just "meh"?

Chandler: Okay, what about that time that you practiced singing for three months because you wanted to audition for American Idol and then you skipped it to go to a sale at Bloomingdale's?

Rachel: Meh. I can't sing anyway, but now I can't sing and I have a cut jacket.

Credits appear on screen.

CREDITS SCENE:

Scene opens on the set of Days of Our Lives. Joey and Erin are walking around.

Erin: It's like the first day of school again. I don't know anybody.

Joey: Oh, let's go meet- never mind, slept with her.

Erin: What about that camerawoman? She looks nice.

Joey: Nope. Hit that.

Erin: Well, how about that guy?

Joey: We can't talk to him.

Erin: What?

Joey: No, no, I just owe him money.

Erin: Oh.

END OF SHOW