Song for this chapter : Girls just wanna have fun- Norman Palm. (Play it when the chapter starts)

Flashback*

I laid there in the bed. Awake. I glanced and saw Kyle lying next to me, sound asleep. It was 3 clock in the morning. I had tears silently rolling down my cheeks. I slowly sat up, shakily found my underwear and put it on, next I found my skirt and shirt. I collected my shoes and held them in my hands. I didn't even bother to tuck in half of my shirt, it just hung out of my skirt. I walked to the door and stopped. I turned and looked at the bed and him. Just lying there. I felt a fresh wave of tears coming on and I quickly opened the door and shut it. I pressed my forehead against the door, tears dropping onto the floor. I walked down the stairs.

The house was abandoned after the party so I didn't see a soul. I stepped outside. I glanced around me and back at the door. Then slowly walked down the stairs from the porch. I didn't call for a cab, I just walked home.

I was walking down the hall to my room, when I heard my mom shift in her room. "Riley? Is that you?" I started to my room when I stopped and looked back at the door. I breathed in heavily and walked over to the door and put my hand on the handle before shaking my head and walking to my room. I shut the door and leaned my back against it. I walked over and sat down on the floor with my back up against the side of my bed. After a few minutes of staring at the ground with crying and chewing on my fingernails, I grabbed my phone which was on top of the bed. I opened up my text messages and went to Kyle's. I started typing. 'Hey, are you awake?' But I just shook my head and erased it. I threw it on my carpet. I grabbed my laptop off my night stand and opened up google. 'How do I know if I've been raped?' More tears fell down as I erased that too. I then typed. 'Someone had sex with me and I didn't want to' I hit enter before I could stop myself. I breathed shakily as I read the results. They all said something involving sexual assault. I quickly closed out of the window and shut the lid. I put it down on the floor and went to the bathroom.

I turned on the shower water and turned the handle to the hottest temperature. I stood there in my towel for a few minutes. Staring at the water raining down. I hesitantly reached and shut off the water. I went to the mirror and wiped off the fog that had gathered from the shower's steam. I stared at my reflection. I had tear tracks on my cheeks and mascara gathered under my eye and on my cheeks as well. I sighed and turned on the water. I splashed my face and wiped off the mascara. I then looked at myself again. I knew what I had to do...

I walked into the hospital with my hoodie on, and a plastic bag in my hand. It held my clothes from earlier in it. There was a faint light, because the sun was just coming up. It was around 5 in the morning so it was pretty much deserted. I walked to the front desk and rang the bell. "One minute!" I heard the lady shout from the back. When she came back she looked at me with a blank face. I took a deep breath. "Um... I was assaulted and I need a rape kit?" She nodded solemnly. She went around the corner and held the door open for me. Then I followed her into a room. She asked me to remove all my clothes. I did as she asked. While I was doing that, she laid down a sheet of white paper. I felt extremely awkward just standing there naked. She then told me to go and stand on the paper. I did so while she took my clothes out of the room for examination. A few doctors came in, one had a camera. The one with the camera started to photograph my body. "What's that for?" I asked softly. No one could hear me over the discussion in the room. "What's that for?" I spoke loudly, almost yelling. Everyone turned to look at me. They all had sympathetic faces. I shifted, feeling uncomfortable. "It's for evidence of bruises honey." One of the doctors answered and just like that, they all turned back and started talking again. "Oh" I said softly. I blinked, being blinded by another flash.

It took 5 hours for the doctors to complete the exam... 5 long hours. 5 hours of being poked and prodded with multiple instruments. I was now sitting on the side of a hospital bed. Waiting for the doctor to come in. The door opened, but I didn't look up. I just kept chewing on my lip, staring at the floor with big eyes, not blinking. Footsteps came closer. Someone sat on the bed. They laid their hand on my back and even though I knew they were there, I flinched and was startled. I breathed heavily. "I'm sorry. I'm Doctor Rotheman." I nodded and glanced down at the floor. "Are you okay?" I sighed "I'm not sure anymore..." my gaze stayed glued on the floor. She held a packet out for me. "This has all the information you need, where to report it. And where to take it when you go to the police." My gaze shot up, alarmed. "No! I mean no. I don't want to do that..." I chewed on my bottom lip and shifted my gaze to the floor again. "Okay Honey, everything that happens now is completely up to you. But... I do think that you should take this to the police. They can help you." I shook my head. A tear fell from my cheek. "Thank you for your time doctor." I stood up and ran out of the room. I raced down the hallways and out the door. I collapsed, sobbing on the pavement as soon as I got out. I got a few stares, but no one tried to help. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't stop... just when I felt like I was going to pass out, I saw an ant on the pavement. He was carrying a stick that was way to big for him. It looked like he was going to collapse from the weight. There was a group of ants a few feet from him, but none of them helped him. I stared at the ant and pitied him. My breathing slowed and I soon felt my heart beat slow and slowly, the tears did too. I gathered my stuff off the pavement and walked away. I thought to myself as I walked. About what happened, about the doctors' pitiful looks and remarks, about the people staring at me as I collapsed from the pain, and about the ant. No one could help me now. And no one wanted to anyways.

That was my first panic attack... one out of many.

I got a few more throughout the weeks. Every time I had one, I called Farkle. He called me the day after the... incident, telling me everything. I freaked out, but I was secretly happy that someone knew so I could talk to them. Through every one he talked me through them. I also called him when I was feeling sad or lonely or scared. He would try to convince me to tell someone, and I was planning on it. When the thing with the case happened. I changed my mind and kept the whole thing a secret. With an exception of Farkle. I knew I couldn't tell anyone else. They would never listen to me. They never listen to anyone in these situations, they always blame the victim. "You were drunk." "You made out with him first." "Did you see what you were wearing." "You were dating him." "You were asking for it." No one would ever understand. So I had to keep this inside of me. I would go to my grave with this secret. Even if it killed me.

Ok I am literally the worst person at updating! I know! Don't hate me! I'm not even going to promise to update soon because when I saw that I never do so... but keep an eye out *hint hint*

Xoxo

Mal