I knew this day would come; we all did…this magical place where I had healed and grown…where two had become one…seemed to loom in darkness…Mark was kissing Addison on her front steps…whispering promises of a quick return, and happily ever after…I shoved my sunglasses up my nose and honked the horn…I was a mess…Callie had left a note on the pillow this morning… 'don't worry about me…I'll be home before you know it'.
She hadn't been seen all morning…no call…just that damn note; that was burning a hole in my pocket…
What was I going to do? What could I do? Things had been awkward since that morning in the shower…I wanted more than anything to take back what I had said…because even though it was the truth…I so desperately wanted to believe I was wrong…no I needed myself to be wrong…
I honked again…Mark finally started to move; well, he'd been moving in a horizontal position for a long time; just not the direction I needed him to go…As he climbed in beside me…I glanced up at Addison…she was grinning from ear to ear and waving very enthusiastically…I backed out quickly, yet safely and began the journey back to Seattle…
-- -- --
"So you gunna tell me what the silent treatment is about, or are we not friends any more?"
"Just…Let…Me…Drive!" please…I added silently…please…
"Erica, pull over…"
"No, Mark; Leave it alone…"
"Pull over now…"
"Mark!"
"Now…Damn-it!"
I pulled over, and Mark unbuckled my seat belt and pulled me into his lap…I was crying…no, sobbing…into Mark's shoulder…
"Shhhh…"
He was playing with my hair, and rubbing my back…
"Shhh…breath Erica…in and out…good air in, bad air out…in…out…in…out…"
"Why? Why do I have to hurt everyone?"
"You never hurt me…"
"Mark…"
"Well okay…maybe just once…"
"What am I going to do?"
"Erica…I have no idea what you are talking about."
I moved back to my seat…with more trouble and a whole lot less grace than Mark had used in getting me out of it…
"I screwed up…I messed up bad…I said something…and everything changed…I…I…"
"You are going to have to be more specific…"
"I told Callie that her dream of loving me was just a dream…I dashed her hope of a future, in just a few short words…she won't talk to me…sometimes I see her looking at me, just looking and she…she's so hurt…I don't know if I can fix this…I told the truth…I told what I thought was the truth…Now, I'm not so sure…I need her like the air…like the sun…like water…and laughter…like surgery…I really, can't; I can't live without her…"
I was crying again…Mark just let me cry this time…
When I regained my composure I pulled back on the freeway…the silence was cold…I shivered…Mark, well…Mark fell asleep as we drove…in silence. Back to reality...Back from a dream I had hoped to never wake from.
As the sun set I pulled off the freeway and up to a motel…I checked in and went out to the car grabbed the suitcases…woke up Mark…and trudged up to the stairs…maybe I could die in my sleep…that would be grace at work…then I could just be Erica Hahn 'heart god' and nothing else would matter…I was already dead inside anyway.
-- -- --
Mark, snored! He snored like…like…like; work brain, work! Mark snores like…oh-just give up already, Erica…just give up…
Mark rolled over and the noise stopped…the silence that followed, although asked for, was unwelcome…in was a silence in which you are so full of thoughts, feelings, desires that have never been spoken aloud…you're sure you thoughts are so loud they may be neon signs glowing in the dark, or carnival barkers…
I reached out…wanting to find, her; and found nothing…I hurt all over…my stomach trembled…I hurled my way to the bathroom…and threw everything I had ever consumed up; and then I cried myself to sleep on he cold tile floor of an unfamiliar bathroom…
-- -- --
"Hey little one; how are we this morning?"
Oh-god, Mark, just give me a minute…to compose myself…into something resembling a human being…please…
"Come on," he gave me a little nudge; "I will not judge you Erica…I'm a friend…or at least I'm trying to be…"
Mark sank down beside me, back against the wall…He put his head in his hands…
"Look, I've been where you are…I'm not proud…Morning's like this one…well, they suck! They suck the life right out of you…you feel as if…as if you managed to lay there long enough the world just might right itself…but Erica…"
He ambled down on all fours and then laid down next to me on the cool tile…He brushed my sweat matted hair out of my face so I could see him…
"Erica…this is just not you…you are Dr. Erica Hahn…you save people who wake up on floors…you don't sleep on them…I know you feel like the world you knew has ended…but it's still out there…and it still needs you…"
"I'm thirsty…" I managed to mumble.
Mark, my friend; got me a glass of water…
"Now, sit up to drink…I do not want to be responsible for the death of one of the world's best cardiothoracic surgeons…"
I knew he was baiting me…
"The best…there can only be one."
"Yeah, well, if you are finished with your pity party…I'm sure there are some lives back in Seattle that need saving."
I took his hand and stood…my legs felt like jelly, but they held the weight…I stood for just a moment.
"I'll just freshen up a bit, and then, we'll be on our way…"
Mark took his leave…
Half an hour later a person resembling the great Dr. Hahn exited the bathroom, slapped Mark on the back of the head to wake him up; and promptly collected her things and walked out of the room; into the bright, warm, sunshine.