Mad World

Chapter Twelve

Subtitled: No One Knew Me

Quotation: We live as we dream, alone

Conrad

In the weeks following new years something very subtle changed. Ann couldn't really put her finger on just what exactly. It's not that she liked Sirius more (not that she would even admit that she did in the first place), or that she suddenly had some crazy desire to be with him (because that would have been very crazy indeed). It was more that she noticed things about him that she had never noticed before. Stupid things, really. Little things. Things like how he smelled (almond and broom polish) or that his hair always fell into his left eye, or that he always smiled a little brighter when he had a good idea (or at least he thought it was a good idea). It was actually a bit disconcerting to be going on your merry way and suddenly be over powered by the way he bit his lip when he was thinking and to quite honest, it was starting to disturb her.

She was having such a problem in Transfiguration, the last class of the day. He had arrived late with Pettigrew in toe, completely nonplussed that McGonagall looked ready to kill him. Peter had taken the empty seat next to James and Remus, so Sirius sat at her and Lily's table, giving her a roguish wink and placing his hand carelessly and perilously close to hers. Ann could feel his body heat and was finding it very difficult to remember just why it was imperative to learn how to turn attacking animals into flowers.

"Hey, Alford, come with me to Hogsmeade after class." He whispered in her ear, completely unperturbed that McGonagall could see them and looked less than pleased.

Ann suppressed a smile, something else that was completely disturbing, and struggled to keep her voice even, something she had never before had trouble with.

"It's freezing outside." She hissed, glancing out the window at the bitter January wind.

"Don't worry, I'll keep you warm."

Ann rolled her eyes and next to her Lily snorted. Apparently Lily was still immune to his charms. Traitor of a best friend.

"I'll think about it." Ann said shortly.

Sirius took this as a yes. "Brilliant." He said, slumping down comfortably in his chair.

Ann knew she should say no. She knew she should shimmy up to him as though she were going to say yes and then publicly dismiss him. She knew she should laugh in his face and then fall over James for effect. She knew she should do anything, anything that is but what she did. She walked up to him after class, fully prepared to kiss Remus full on the lips and see what Sirius did but then, to her horror, something alarming happened.

"Well are we going, or what?" she asked, shocked at herself as she stared at him chatting with his friends.

Whether he saw the look in her eyes or not, Sirius didn't show, he simply took it in stride and grinned. "Later mates." He said and waved amiably at the marauders who were smirking, looking rather pleased with themselves, as though they had just gotten a date. They walked past Lily, who stared at them, confused.

"So where to?" Ann asked as they stood by the one eyed witch, waiting for the crowds in the hallway to thin out.

"I dunno, maybe the Three Broomsticks? What do you think?"

Ann shrugged, trying to look casual. "Could be fun." She said, noncommittally, suddenly aware that she wasn't wearing any makeup and that she'd thrown up her hair rather haphazardly that morning because she had been late for charms.

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, could be fun." He repeated, but he was smiling to himself as though she had just something very funny. It was infuriating and Ann felt as though somehow, miraculously, he had gained the upper hand. "Alright, we can go." He said and slipped into the passage way. "Lumos." He whispered, Ann following closely behind. He reached out and grabbed her hand. Ann didn't pull away.

They emerged into the cold several minutes later, Ann shivering wildly. "How is it, I always end up freezing when you're around." Ann muttered, noticing for the first time that she wasn't wearing her cloak.

Sirius shrugged and pulled her into the crowded and busy streets. "I like to live on the wild side." He said and held open the door to the three broomsticks. "Ladies first."

"Thank you." She said and walked gratefully into the crowded and vibrant pub, warmth washing over himself. "I'll grab seats." She said and walked to a booth in the corner.

"Two firewhiskeys, Rosmerta my love." Sirius said, smiling widely at the pretty, young bartender.

"Sirius, you know I can't serve you." Rosmerta said, grinning at the good looking boy in front of her. They had played this game every time he had come in since his third year.

"Ahh, but this time I'm of age." Sirius said, looking rather proud of this.

"Well it had to happen sooner or later." Rosmerta conceded, smiling slightly as she tapped the bar and too steaming firewhiskeys appeared. Sirius took them and began to walk away.

"I'll be back." He called.

"You always are."

Sirius winked at her and put a glass in front of Ann, who raised her eyebrows. "Are you nuts? Don't you remember what happened last time we did this?"

"Nope, and neither do you. I say we need a reenactment to jog our memory."

"And I say dream on." Ann said, blushing lightly but she sipped her drink anyway. They sat in a comfortable silence, each trying to find something to say. This wasn't their first date but it was the first time they'd been alone together sober. At Slughorn's party there had been so much to distract them, so much else to talk about. Ann, who hadn't been on a proper date in ages, had forgotten just how much work they were.

"So what did you think of that assignment of history magic?" "I have a motorcycle."

They said at the same time and burst out laughing, embarrassed.

"Well this is going well." Ann said, amused.

Sirius laughed and suddenly the ice was broken. It was as though they suddenly remembered that they had been friends for seven years, and not some people who met in a bar. Although in some ways, that was harder. There were no 'getting to know you' questions, all that had been covered years ago. And then there was the fact that they'd already had sex. Or at least they both think they might've. That certainly lent a new level of awkwardness. And witty banter could only take you so far. For the first time in her life, Ann wished she were more interesting, that she was one of those girls who could make anyone laugh, and who was easy to talk to. Instead she had been systematically shutting people down her whole life. It didn't exactly make for great conversation. Well not outside a therapists office anyway.

"You know, when I was younger, about twelve, James and I broke into my parents wine cellar. I don't think I've ever been so sick." Sirius said thoughtfully. Ann looked up hopefully. This was something. They could talk about this.

"Did your parents kill you?" She asked.

Sirius shrugged bitterly, a darkness falling on his laughing, careless face that she'd never seen before. "No more so than usual." Ann felt a rush of something that she'd never felt before, something that felt strangely like compassion.

"You've had it pretty rough, haven't you?" she asked, not even sure why she was asking. This was the point where Sirius usually barked with laughter and made some off-hand comment about how he was pretty sure he wasn't actually related, after all hadn't they ever seen Regulus. But something compelled him forward.

"Yeah, I mean it sucked. That's for sure. But the Potter are really great people. I mean I don't know if I would have taken me in."

"I would have." Ann said softly, staring at him intensely. He looked up and met her gaze, mesmerized. They leaned forward slowly, and out of the corner of his eye Sirius saw a flash of a familiar face.

"Snape!" he cried.

"Excuse me?" Ann said, leaning back, offended.

Sirius looked at her impatiently. "No!" He said pointing out the window. "Snape! What the hell is he doing here? It's not a Hogsmeade day."

Ann threw up her hands, exasperated. "We're here!"

"Yes but he's NEVER here. And he's running. Why is he running?" He was already half out the door. Ann sighed and ran after him. Sure enough, the greasy head of Severus Snape was winding through the crowd at an alarming speed. He was clutching his arm. Sirius grabbed Ann's hand and dragged her after him, running double time.

They saw him standing at a street corner, panting slightly. Sirius drew his wand and slowed down, moving stealthily. He pushed Ann behind him as he approached, feeling very much like suddenly the rules had changed. Like suddenly they were no longer school boys who could be punished and put to bed. He regretted bringing Ann here. Had he been James, or Remus, slightly more cautious and aware. He would have left it. But Sirius was reckless. He always had been. Snape was up to something and judging from the way he looked around himself wildly, something very, very bad.

"Sirius –"

"Shh." He said and there was something in his eyes that told Ann to listen. A tall, hooded figure approached Snape as they crept closer. The hooded figure raised its hand, a sliver a dark skin showing and brought it down quickly, the emerald green cloak swishing as it disappeared. Snape looked out into the crowd as he raised his own wand, his eyes meeting Sirius' for one terrible moment, burning with anger and then, just like that, he was gone.

Ann watched the whole thing, flabbergasted, suddenly finding the cheerful and bustling afternoon streets to be sinister. She shivered. There had been something in Snape's eyes. Something that went beyond school-boy loathing. "Sirius," She whispered tugging on his sleeve as he continued to stare determinedly at the space that had once held Snape. "Sirius." She whispered again, her voice shaking slightly. "Let's just go, okay?"

He turned slowly, only half hearing her, not tearing his from that spot until it was physically impossible to keep looking. He put an arm around her and started down the street. "Sure." He whispered. "Sure."

The next morning Snape was at breakfast but he looked pale, and drawn, like he'd never in his life. Even his greasy hair had lost its sheen.

"What's with Snivellous?" Remus asked thickly, several slices of bacon stuffed in his mouth at once.

"Living up to his full potential, I guess." James said and shrugged as seventh year Hufflepuff Kevin McCormick walked over. Kevin was tall, lithe and athletic with bright ginger hair and a sweet smile. He'd been friends with Lily since the second year when she'd charmed his hair back to normal after a rather nasty pranking spree from the marauders. No one had been safe that week, even Lily had ended up with three noses.

"Hi Lily." He said shyly, as behind him his friends watched from his table, clearly cheering him on. James' eyes narrowed, and he knocked over Peter's pumpkin juice.

"lo there, Kevin." Lily said kindly and offered a smile. She'd always liked Kevin. He was nice, kind, good looking but not big-headed. Exactly the kind of guy she'd always seen herself with.

"I was just wondering, if maybe you'd want to go out sometime." He asked in one breath, clearly taking all of his courage.

"I don't think that's such a good idea. I'm sorry Kevin." Lily said and quickly excused herself. James, for one brilliant moment, was thrilled, but as the red hair swished out the door he found himself going after her leaving four very confused people behind.

"I don't get it." He heard Ann say as he was leaving. "She's always had a bit of a crush on Kevin."

He found Lily pacing the floor in their common room as though her life depended on it. "Alright there Lily?" he asked nervously. She barely seemed him though.

"God!" she cried, almost to herself. "What the hell is the matter with me?"

James started to say something but he had no idea what. He was completely out of his element. Luckily Lily, like most teenage girls on a rant, required little prompting.

"What the hell is my problem? Kevin is really cute, and really nice. He's always been good to me.." her pacing had reached feverish pace. James had never seen her quite like this. Suddenly she turned on her heel, her green eyes flashing dangerously. "Why do you like me?" she demanded.

"What?" He asked, shifting his weight uncomfortably. He'd expected several things, a weeping Lily desperate for comfort among them, but certainly not this.

"Why do you like me?" She asked again impatiently. "I'm messed up James. I mean really, really messed up. If you even knew the half of it." She said desperately.

"You're not –"

"Oh yes I am. I mean fucked up. I can't even go on a normal date because I'm such a headcase. If anyone knew…" she broke off and James got the distinct impression that somewhere along the way, though he wasn't sure where, she had started talking to herself again. Her desperation was contagious.

"I think I'm in love with you!" he burst out before he could stop himself. He could have killed himself. Of all the stupid things to say…You're a fat whore might have been a better choice. Suddenly he felt like he should be the one listing just how messed up he was.

Lily, though, didn't seem the slightest bit moved by his outburst. "I know you do." She said. "But you're not."

"How do you know?"

She waved her hand impatiently. "Because if you were there wouldn't be any thinking involved." She snapped. James felt like this was a pretty stupid time to get caught up in semantics. "Besides, you don't know me. Not really." She finished softly, staring a bit forlornly into the fire. She seemed to have deflated in the millisecond.

"Lily –" he started.

"We should go." She said, an odd look in her eyes. She didn't want him to finish his sentence. "We're going to be late for Charms." And with that she burst past him and stalked out the door. James stood there for a moment, watching the tapestry swaying after her feeling completely, and utterly bewildered. He didn't much care if they missed Charms. Somehow, he didn't think all the education in the world would teach him a damn thing worth learning.

A/N – sry guys really, really long week emotionally, physically etc. But here it is. The NEXT part is going to have the concert and something else (I don't want to ruin the surprise. I want to thank Emilyevans, Halfbloodhannah, Miss SJB, An Aspiring Author, Erinye, Abbarraine, izthedoodler, horsebookworm, hello.immarysue, dancingcavalier, and messyblackhair66 for reviewing. Normal notes to reviewers to return with the next installment. Sleep must happen and this girl is sleepy. Thanks for reading and please review!