King Rat: Deep Water

Author Notes: Favorite chapter, right here. Let's go!

Disclaimer: They're not mine, and I'll put them back as I found them, and I do not profit from their use.

8B: You and All You Are

It was October the second, and but a few minutes to midnight. Hakkai could hear creaking footsteps out in the hallway as he approached his inn room after a few drinks. For all the stress he'd been having over the past weeks, he needed a little time to himself sometimes. He knew he was not the only one bearing a heavy burden in the party, and he wouldn't say his was the heaviest, but when looked at objectively, he was bearing Gojyo's burden alongside or on top of his own. He also was feeling the weight of another burden, though one kept just out of his reach. It came into clear view when he saw Sanzo carrying a tray with a mug of tea and a few sugar packets from his room.

"Ah, Sanzo." Hakkai smiled uneasily as he approached. "Were you thirsty?"

"He was ill." Sanzo shrugged, and glanced down at the mug. "I offered to get him something to drink, since he'll make himself sicker without hydration."

"You offered to help him?" Hakkai cocked his head, dumbstruck. Sanzo's brow evened into a thin line.

"Despite your perceptions, I am not entirely inhuman." He shoved the tray towards Hakkai. "You give it to him. He probably needs your qigong anyway." Hakkai caught the tray before Sanzo dropped it, and he pivoted away, already digging for his Marlboros.

"Ah, Sanzo, wait!" Hakkai balanced the tray on one hand and moved to chase him, but Sanzo stopped and half-turned back towards him. "What have you been trying to do?" Sanzo rose his eyebrow, but Hakkai held the tray close to his chest. "I don't mean to offend, but you seem to have been paying him special attention of late. What have you been hoping to gain?" Sanzo frowned at him, and lifted the cigarette to his lips.

"I suppose you could say I've been trying to get into his good graces." He fished into his other sleeve pocket, and pulled out a silk packet. "Here." He tossed it onto the tray. Hakkai lifted the packet up in his free hand and squeezed it.

"Limiters." He could feel their energy already reacting with the limiters he already wore, and it began to make him feel lightheaded. "Potent, too."

"I need to know if he needs them." Sanzo held his hand out, and Hakkai dropped the packet back into it. "I'd rather not offend him, as he's been high-strung, but if I must attend the birth in order to prevent his..." Sanzo's brow wrinkled, lips drawn thin, but he managed to say the word: "His child... from going mad, then I would like to know."

"I see. I suppose you, too, have been wondering about that." Hakkai sighed softly, and looked down at the floor. Even the bright, clean hotel hallway seemed darker when these unfortunate topics came to light. Hakkai, however, looked up with a smile. "I will speak with him again. You must be tired. Why don't you get to sleep?"

"Hmph." Sanzo whirled on his heel and headed in the other direction. Hakkai watched him abscond into his room without another word, and sighed with relief. The lights in the hallway turned off a moment later, as the automatic timer wired to them crossed the midnight hour. Sanzo may not have let him near the burden he bore, but Hakkai could sense it hanging over his head every hour of the day, anticipating the moment it might collide with his or that he might have to catch it if it fell. He put it out of his mind, and unlocked the door to his room. Gojyo was sitting up in the cushy, plush chair by the window, buried in the quilt from the bed up to his nose. Hakkai smiled and crouched near him.

"Sanzo made you some tea. Would you like sugar?"

"I'unno." Gojyo pulled the blanket away from his mouth. "I want sugar, but I don't wanna taste it."

"I see." Hakkai was rather surprised; he was being oddly direct. He touched Gojyo's forehead, and could feel that he was slightly feverish. "Are you feeling unwell?"

"Uh-uh." Gojyo paused. "Or uh-huh. Whichever one means I don't feel so hot." Hakkai hummed in his throat, and put the cup in his lap.

"Drink up." He smiled to himself as Gojyo took the cup in hand and took a sip. He seemed rather dazed; Hakkai imagined it was from the dehydration or hunger. He reached out to Gojyo's forehead. "A little testosterone boost should fix you right up." He laid his finger between Gojyo's eye and sent a gentle pulse of chi through his channels, but felt something echo back. "Oh." He withdrew his hand, lips parting in tacit surprise, and instead dug into his sash. "I still have some of those vitamins Yaone gave me."

"Huh?" Gojyo frowned, as he pulled out the bottle and turned it to see the handwritten ingredient list.

"Ah, it does have Vitamin B6. More common for early pregnancy symptoms, but it's going to have to do." He pulled the cork and tilted a pill out into his hand. "Take. You need something."

"What's wrong with your qigong, bro?" Gojyo shifted the blanket down from his shoulders, rousing with concern.

"This is better for you now. Don't worry." He smiled, poured the pill into Gojyo's palm, and closed his fingers around it. "Drink your tea, take your medicine, and try to get back to sleep." He tilted his head down, and continued as Gojyo tried to muster a protest. "Is this chair comfortable?"

"Um- yeah, I guess." He glanced down, pulling the mug from where he'd balanced it on the arm back between his hands. "It, uh, it rocks a little." He demonstrated by shifting his weight back, pushing himself back with his toes. The body of the chair tilted down. "If I do it a bunch, he," Gojyo nodded downwards, "settles down." He smiled a sleepy, silly grin, and set his head back. "So, yeah."

"That's good." Hakkai leaned back to glance at the exaggerated curvature of Gojyo's back. "Let me get you an extra pillow."

"No, I'll be okay." Gojyo settled back, and scooped up his mug again. "Putting somethin' there'll just make it worse." He took a long swig and gulped down the medicine.

Hakkai watched, nodded in silent approval, and hoisted himself up onto the low drawer along the wall. "You know, I've wanted to ask you a few little questions. Just in preparation for the next few weeks."

"Eh?"

"This may sound strange, but I need to know a few details in order to be prepared for the baby's arrival. And besides that, there's been some things irking me for some time." Hakkai took out a small notepad. "If you don't want to answer, I won't push you. But I'd like to start from the top..."

The next night, after a day spent idle, Sanzo left Goku on guard duty, but instead of drinking with Hakkai, he took a short walk around the area their hotel was in. Something struck him as odd about the city- it was more like one of the cities he'd read about in books from the West. It was all stone streets and stone and brick buildings that came up to pointed roofs and steeples, and broad roads that were often criss-crossed with clotheslines aloft and the pointed shadows of the angular roofs. He knew for a fact that they had been connecting the dots between merchant cities, as the trade routes generally were the easiest and the most direct, but he hadn't seen one quite like this. It had a peaceful beauty to it at night, with windows lit by pale blue lamps and white candles, and the streets were quiet and empty. Sanzo made some effort to look like he was doing anything but trying to clear his mind, and busied his hands counting the beads of his rosary. The red wood felt cold in his hands, either from disuse, the falling temperature, or his own cold fingers. He would have enjoyed it, except the entire time he was outside, he had the strangest sensation that he was being watched. He sensed no youkai aura, only eyes on the back of his head, and all the shadows were pointing at him.

When it became too much for him, he returned to their inn. Hakkai was sitting at the top of the steps when he came in, reading what seemed to be a novel by the desk light the receptionist neglected to extinguish. He looked up when the door opened, and got to his feet. "Ah, Sanzo." Sanzo raised one eyebrow, as if to say, 'You waited up for me?' Hakkai chuckled. "You wanted to talk?"

They made their way up to the room Sanzo and Goku were sharing. Sanzo snorted when he spotted Goku sitting against the wall, head nodding, snoring aloud. "At least he's still there." Sanzo set a hand on his head and tilted it back to the wall, and his shoulders dropped. Hakkai giggled, as Sanzo then took hold of Goku's shoulders and shifted him in front of the door. Goku drooped slightly to the side, and Sanzo straightened him up. "Stay," he muttered, which only garnered a snort in response. Hakkai laughed again, and beckoned him on.

Hakkai settled himself on Goku's bed, and Sanzo onto his own. "You, too, would like to have your questions answered," he started, in a plain, blunt manner. Sanzo nodded. "I had thought so. You have seemed to have more under the surface, and I'd be lying if I said I weren't somewhat gratified in being right. But then, you have always been an iceberg, haven't you?" He chuckled again, and Sanzo rolled his eyes. "You tried to ask him yourself, didn't you? The night he ran, and was taken." Sanzo remained silent, but his hands clenched over the knees of his robe told Hakkai all he needed to know. "I thought so. I have wondered what your mind did about these things, but I suppose after that, you let it stew." Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette. Hakkai folded his hands over his knee. "Perhaps, at this juncture, we have different sets of information on the subject. I asked him the same thing you must have."

"And?"

"He would not admit anything." Hakkai took the notepad from inside his sash and showed that nothing was written down. "Not a number of partners, other than it was not a lot, not a date of conception nor even a range of dates, and certainly no identities." Sanzo exhaled slowly, smoke billowing into a thin cloud around his lips. Hakkai lowered his eyes. "He at least assented when I informed him that I assumed he conceived in February. But, truthfully, I would not have expected him to name names or count fingers, especially if the number is as low as you say it is. "

"He's lying." Sanzo lit a new cigarette and fumed with the smoke escaping his nose. "He just doesn't want us to know just how immoral he is."

Instead of rebuking him, Hakkai giggled, and Sanzo narrowed his eyes. "You know, I have always had a theory about cigarette smokers." He paused, letting Sanzo glare at him, daring him to go on. "I theorize that people smoke cigarettes to avoid dealing with their emotions."

"You're wrong. I smoke because I like to smoke." Sanzo inhaled the smoke through his flaring nostrils and sighed it out, and Hakkai giggled again.

"I based it more on Gojyo, though I find it interesting that you immediately assumed I was thinking about you." Sanzo bit the butt of the cigarette, but he caught the broken end before it could singe the sheets. Hakkai didn't seem to notice, gesturing gently with one hand and gazing into the floor as he explained: "He used to smoke more than you did, and he's only stopped because I forced him. I have no doubt he's been taking yours when I wasn't looking, though I don't expect you to count them and check, but he certainly has had to decrease." Hakkai glanced up to ensure Sanzo was still listening, but he was peering into his cigarette box. He held a laugh in his throat, and Sanzo snapped back to attention. He smiled and met Sanzo's eyes. "I bring it up because, frankly, pregnancy is a very emotional thing. Even a normal, female carriage can result in mood swings due to shifting hormones, ranging from soaring highs to deep lows. We've only seen the lows lately, perhaps because of his increased estrogen, but I honestly believe this may be some of the man underneath."

Hakkai looked at his hands, then to the few scars visible on the backs of Sanzo's hands. "He's been hurt, the same as any of us have been hurt. I cover mine in my ways, you in yours, and he in his. He wants us to think he's shallow, a lecher, even heartless, but all his defenses are down and he's being revealed for what he is:" Hakkai smiled knowingly, gazing straight into Sanzo's face. "Afraid to love, and afraid of rejection. Meaningless sex filled his yearning for acceptance, if only temporarily, but now he must deal with the consequences." Sanzo voided the eye contact, as Hakkai sighed softly and turned his gaze back down to the floor. "I believe him, Sanzo, when he says he only slept with one man. How could you expect him to love a woman after all he went through? He fell in love, and he was rejected, and the goddess Kannon decided to open his heart with something he had to love."

"I think you're wrong," Sanzo replied, unable to look at Hakkai at all. "Who do you think he slept with?"

"Well, since he doesn't want to tell us, I can only conclude it's someone one of us knows." Hakkai shrugged his shoulders loosely. "But I don't know. For all we know, it could be one of our enemies- perhaps even Kougaiji. It would explain why Kougaiji spirited him away and wanted so much to keep him. And if I am wrong, it's considerably more sinister."

"What?" Sanzo frowned.

"The only other explanation for his secrecy, not to mention his depression- and this is all speculation- is that he was violated."

"What?!" The surprise in Sanzo's voice took Hakkai aback.

"Surely it's crossed your mind- especially with his initial rejection of the child." He straightened his spine as Sanzo's shoulders stiffened. "If he was taken advantage of or forced, he would be too ashamed to tell us. His behaviors all point directly to it- he was hurt, and badly."

"I would never-!" Sanzo's fists clenched, and he bit his tongue and looked away. "I would never have thought he'd let himself be taken advantage of."

"It's not a matter of letting it happen. You surely saw some of the bruises he had in February, right around when he started drinking himself stupid until we had to stop him." Hakkai lowered his eyes. "It's something of a darker notion of mine, but perhaps a god descended from the Heavens and forced his hand. It would explain why he insists the child is 'a gift for its father.' Far-fetched, but it's crossed my mind more than once." Hakkai let his eyes slip shut. "But I can understand why you'd deny it. You would surely blame yourself if something had happened to him, as you are, after all, the leader of this party. That's what you were going to say, isn't it?" Sanzo's fingernails dug in on his palms, as Hakkai spelled it out: "'You would never let that happen.'"

"Think what you like." Sanzo muttered. He released his clenched hands and looked Hakkai dead on. "You have given me no answers."

Hakkai smiled sadly. "I have none for you. Gojyo is determined to keep his secrets." He folded his hands on his knee. "I suppose, in a way, I expected you to have some for me. So, I'll ask you. What do you know?" They were silent. Sanzo dragged a hand across his face, and slouched sideways with his face towards the floor. Hakkai folded his ankle over his knee. "If you have nothing to say, then at least say so." There was nothing Hakkai could do but wait for Sanzo to speak, and Sanzo could say nothing. Finally, Hakkai spoke again, only to say, "I suppose we're done." Sanzo heard the floorboards creak from the hallway, and Hakkai sprang to his feet, bounded past the beds, and threw the door wide. "You're up!"

"Do you expect me to sleep with all your yammering?" Gojyo grumbled, turning away from the light, but Hakkai giggled. Sanzo turned and tilted his head into the darkened hallway- Goku had completely slouched to the floor, and Gojyo had pushed him out of the way.

"Useless monkey," he grumbled to himself, as Hakkai gasped.

"My, let me have a look at you!" He yanked Gojyo into the full light of the room, and Gojyo and Sanzo both flinched when they saw each other.

For Gojyo, it was perhaps shock that Sanzo and Hakkai were talking, but for Sanzo, it was the manner in which Gojyo was clothed. There was no mistaking a dress. It was long-sleeved with a square neckline, black one with white lace accents, and shaped for maternity to fall in pintucks and pleats over the smooth, rounded swell of his middle. The skirt may have landed on the floor for a woman of average height, but it hovered around his ankles. He'd somehow conjured a false bosom to fill out the top, though Sanzo imagined he'd be out of luck if he wanted to wipe his face or nose later in the night. His hair was tied up in a high, neat ponytail, his headband off, and he wore some makeup on his face to hide his scars and brighten his lips and eyes. Even so, his disguise was scarcely convincing. He looked immensely indignant as Hakkai paced a close circle around him, and he wasn't holding himself like a woman as he clenched his fists, hunched his shoulders, and ground his teeth. "Relax, stand naturally." Gojyo shivered as Hakkai gently rubbed his lower back, and he relaxed his shoulders and folded his hands around his belly. Sanzo noticed that he was barefoot, and realized that even the slippers he had were uncomfortable with his feet as swollen as they were. However, with shy feet turned slightly inwards, shoulders down and face relaxed, Gojyo passed for a woman, if an Amazonian one. Hakkai picked up some of the folds of the skirt, examining it. "Where did you get this?"

"Borrowed it," Gojyo muttered, looking away from Hakkai. Sanzo vaguely recognized it, thinking it may have looked like one on a mannequin at the stand where Gojyo had gotten the rest of his clothes. He chose not to mention this, as Hakkai giggled spiritedly.

"And why are you dolled up so nicely?"

Gojyo folded his arms and glared at the wall. "Bro, we've been cooped up for like a week here. I've barely even gotten out of bed." He turned his surly gaze to Hakkai. "We ain't movin' for whatever reason, and you an' Goku're always hanging over me. Long story short, I wanted to get some air. Alone." He scowled and turned his glare to the floor. "But you recognized me, so it's out."

"Oh, that's why you're dressed up! You don't want your brother or the like to approach you. I see." Hakkai folded his arms and scratched his cheek in thought. "Well, I could go with you-"

Gojyo groaned, cutting him off. "I just want to be alone!" He folded his arms immaturely, still scowling. "You're always hovering over me lately! I get that you're worried, but god damn it, I need some time to myself!" He pulled his hair loose. "If you're gonna come with me, I ain't-"

"Shut up." Sanzo jumped to his feet and turned to face him. "You want to go, you're going, and I'm going with you." Gojyo's jaw hung slack, as Sanzo removing his robe and holy attire, and stuffed his sutra into his back pocket.

"Hey- wait-"

"A perfect solution." Hakkai clapped his hands together and smiled. "I will not hover over you. Sanzo shall." Gojyo moved his tongue to form a protest, then clenched his jaw shut and looked away, narrowed eyes betraying his increasing annoyance.

"Fine. Just as long as he doesn't bother me."

"I need some sort of disguise too." Sanzo glanced to Hakkai, who dug into his duffel and withdrew a plain black haori, and he tugged it on over his undershirt and pants. He tried to push his bangs down over the shakra on his forehead, but with little success. "Fine. Whatever." He grabbed his sandals and slid them on, then glanced to Hakkai. "Don't wait up."

Hakkai seemed ready to protest, but at the still-growing look of irritation on Gojyo's face, he relented. "I suppose I'm fairly tired. Just don't stay out too late." He got to his feet and tugged the sides of Gojyo's skirt into place. "Please, at least get your shoes on, and don't exhaust yourself."

"I'll be fine." Gojyo pushed his hand away, and turned for the door.

After retrieving Gojyo's shoes, the pair ventured down the stairs and out the door, maintaining a few paces' distance between them. Sanzo held the door as they reached it, and Gojyo moved past him without a word or even a second look. In the open air, Gojyo immediately shivered, and folded his arms to brace himself from the cold. Sanzo could feel the chill on his arms, and glanced to him. "You wanna go get your jacket?" Gojyo said nothing, but crossed the road, arms still folded tight, and started to walk. Sanzo stayed on his own side of the street, tucked his hands into his pockets, and shuffled along at his own pace.

Gojyo hadn't had much opportunity to move, leaving him weak, and he was slowed by the weight that shifted his center of balance. Sanzo had to deliberately walk slower than his usual stride, but he matched Gojyo's walking pace, though on his own side, leaving the two parallel. Gojyo sulked and looked down, between the moldings of the buildings beside him and the brick curbstones, and Sanzo kept his eyes focused straight ahead, his face void of emotion. Neither noticed when one would glance up and over at the other. Their presence in the street made the atmosphere of the clear, cloudless night heavy with their tacit tension; their thoughts tangible, but unreadable. However, after a few minutes of silence, walking side by side but meters apart, they both looked up to one another at the same time, their eyes meeting. Gojyo promptly looked down and away, but Sanzo crossed the road to join him and follow at his heels. Gojyo picked up his pace, and Sanzo matched it.

"Where are you going?"

"This way." Gojyo vaguely gestured with one hand, not turning around, and Sanzo took a firm step closer.

"You bought this dress well in advance, anticipating disguising yourself. Don't pretend anything less. Where do you really want to go?"

"Where the hell do I have to go?" Gojyo scowled at the ground- or tried and failed, his view obscured- his tone sullen and dejected. "You think I'm going to run away? Where the hell would I go?"

"Back to your brother." Sanzo spat on the ground and cast eyes behind him briefly, and Gojyo scoffed, his breath a mist in the cold night air.

"Why would I do that? I don't want him to take care of me." Gojyo gripped his elbows tight in his palms. "I don't want to be a damned science experiment for those taboo-breaking bastards. I'm not going anywhere. I don't have anywhere to go. At all." Sanzo frowned, as Gojyo hung his head and stopped in place. He stopped behind him, waiting for him to do something, though he wasn't sure what. He knew that tone well by now- it was the same sulky tone with which he admonished himself on a nightly basis.

Sanzo tilted his head around Gojyo's shoulder to look at his face, but couldn't read his expression: eyebrows knit, lips pursed and thin, and shadows filling the hollows in his cheeks. It came to him- contemplation. He stepped back, giving Gojyo room to think, and whipped a cigarette from his coat pocket. In the same motion, with his lighter in the same hand, the cigarette's tip blazed into embers, and he inhaled and exhaled a comforting veil of smoke. Halfway from the tip to the butt, Sanzo noticed Gojyo staring at him intently, and turned his body so he couldn't see the cigarette. Gojyo turned his head away, hanging his head in dejection. Sanzo could hear the sniffing sounds behind his hidden head.

"Stop crying," Sanzo growled, and resisted the urge to chew his cigarette in half.

Gojyo seemed to catch his breath, and turned his eyes back towards him. "I'm not. Just, it smells good." Sanzo saw that Gojyo's eyes were focused on the cigarette, and decoded that he was intently sniffing the smoke.

"Ah." Sanzo glanced between Gojyo and the cigarette. He slowly dropped his arms, and gazed on the glowing ash forming at the apex of Sanzo's fingers. Sanzo seemed to debate taking another drag and dropping it. "Someone once told me..." He started, but realized the story would give Gojyo no comfort. Instead, Sanzo thought about what Hakkai had said, and offered the half-finished cigarette to him with his eyes cast up and away. "Here. If it'll make you quit pouting. Don't tell Hakkai."

Gojyo met Sanzo's eyes, his face set with shock, and seemed to debate whether or not he was dreaming. Unable to resist, he took the cigarette in trembling fingers. Sanzo stood back and averted his eyes, watching the moon in its slow traverse of the sky. Gojyo took the cigarette between his lips and inhaled its scent deeply, and sucked the end. It had been so, so long. The taste of a cigarette, even a nasty brand like Sanzo's, was a relief. Even better, he could taste Sanzo on it, though it was overshadowed by the smell of burning tar and the sensation of nicotine. He dragged deeper, desperate for that taste. He exhaled the smoke, but it escaped in a whimper and he clamped his hand over his mouth to try and silence himself. Sanzo noticed, but said nothing.

Gojyo took another deep drag off the cigarette, and this time he got a full mouthful of Sanzo. He rolled Sanzo's flavor in his mouth with the smoke. He wanted and hated that taste: the savory, bitter flavor of Sanzo's tongue. Old paper, sunlight, incense, and earth. He dragged the ember into the filter, and hissed when it burned his lips. Sanzo watched as Gojyo dropped the butt and nudged it into the gutter with the toe of his slipper.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" Gojyo shook his head and buried his eyes in his palm. He gazed away, down the road, past the spindly buildings and over the mountains in the distance. "Priest Sanzo, can I have a moment alone?"

"No." Sanzo couldn't imagine why Gojyo was invoking his questionable title, but he didn't like it. "I won't leave you alone." He crossed the shadows in their path, lowering his volume. "If you're going to cry like a woman, you might as well do it now. You look enough like one." Sanzo leaned against the wall and pulled out a fresh cigarette. Gojyo slid his hand down his face and shook his head, knees unlocking, shoulders drooping.

"I'm not going to cry." He wrinkled his nose and drew his lips thin, though Sanzo wasn't convinced- he could still see the tears gathering in the whites of his eyes. "And if even I was, I wouldn't let you watch." Gojyo turned around to face him. "You have no idea how much I hate this."

"You hate having feelings." Sanzo corrected him, turning his eyes aside. Hakkai's words drifted back into his mind again. "Anything other than bravado and smugness is out of your element, makes your guts squirm. This has wrested and racked your thick façade for months. I can see you for what you are. That's what you hate." The pair let their eyes meet, and held in a lingering stare. Sanzo could feel everything inside of Gojyo for that split second- pain, anger, resentment, sorrow. Gojyo couldn't read Sanzo at all- he never could, and he no longer wanted to try. He'd had a taste, and that was enough.

(Suggested Track: "Shiny," by The Decemberists)

Gojyo broke their gaze, biting his lip, and turned on his heel, gathered his dress under him, and swept back in the opposite direction. Sanzo gave chase as he trundled back towards their hostel. Sanzo was quick, and Gojyo tried to run, but the moment he got any speed, he groaned and stopped. He clutched his belly, and Sanzo could see a shudder run down his spine all the way to his feet. His knees buckled, and Sanzo grabbed his elbows. "Hey-"

"N-no, let go of me." Gojyo flailed behind him to push him away, as Sanzo tried to help him to his feet.

"You're in labor."

"No, shut up," Gojyo growled, giving a glare that channeled Sanzo's too much for his liking. "It's just a cramp, I can't move fast like that-"

"Then don't." Sanzo wrapped his arms around Gojyo, but stopped as his hands landed on his stuffed bust. His upper lip curled as a soft grunt surged through his throat, and he reached into Gojyo's top and tore the stuffing out, leaving a wad of tissues in the gutter. He then caught Gojyo up in his grasp and held him upright. Gojyo grunted in pain and irritation, but he let Sanzo support his weight for a moment. Sanzo wrapped one arm around his shoulders, then swept one arm under his knees and caught Gojyo's back in his other hand, securing him in a bridal carry.

"Hey!" Gojyo flailed as Sanzo hooked his hands around his knees and under his arm. "Put me down, asshole, or I-"

"You shouldn't be walking around like this." Sanzo's arms shook from the weight, but he kept his hold. "If you're having pain, you need to rest. Put your arms around my neck."

Gojyo's cheeks flushed crimson, darker than his hair or eyes, but his hands crept up past Sanzo's collarbone and fastened around the back of his neck. "Uh, thanks." He looked down, and Sanzo hitched him up slightly higher to his chest and turned back towards their hostel. He glanced over his shoulder, still feeling the sensation of being watched. He was right this time- two sets of eyes vanished into the darkness the moment he looked. Still, he said nothing to Gojyo, facing forward and holding him tighter.

Nobody will touch you if I'm around.

Gojyo felt weak and childish, but Sanzo's grip was firm, yet safe. He carried him, unwavering and refusing to stop, all the way back to their inn. He managed to get the front door open with his knee, then carried him over the threshold and up the steps. Goku was still asleep in the hallway, and no light shone under Hakkai's door. Sanzo had to finally set Gojyo down to open the door, but set a hand on his back to urge him towards the bed. Gojyo shook his head.

"This ain't my room."

"Just lay down." Sanzo shut the door behind them, stepped back, and lit a cigarette. Gojyo reluctantly kicked his shoes off, and yanked his dress up his legs by the side seam. "Do you need help out of that thing?"

"No, I got-" Gojyo started to try and lift the lower hem over his head, but grunted as he tried to bend at the waist. "Shit." Sanzo slipped up behind him and yanked the dress up over Gojyo's head. Gojyo groaned, but pulled the frock the rest of the way off and tossed it onto the chair, and Sanzo got a look at his bare form for the first time in more than three months.

Gojyo crossed the room towards the closer bed, stretching his arms behind his head, as Sanzo traced the extreme concave curve of his back with his eyes. Thin white lines, a spider's web or long, thin scratches, striped the sand-beige skin on his belly and the sides of his breasts. Sanzo had caught a glimpse of a thicker, dark line that delineated the center just above and below the navel- strange, but clearly natural. From behind, when Gojyo fully turned from him, his middle curved out from his waistline, supported by widened hips. Sanzo almost wanted to catch him again as he sized up Gojyo's legs in comparison to the burden they upheld. It was clear from his each tense motion that all the muscles holding him up were at their limit, made even clearer as his knees buckled and he seated himself on the bed. "Come on, k-" Sanzo heard Gojyo start his usual line of conversation with the baby, but stopped as he looked up towards Sanzo. Sanzo tossed his finished cigarette into the ashtray, and lit another.

"You're still in pain, aren't you?" He joined Gojyo at the bedside, and seated himself beside the head of the bed. Gojyo rested his hands on his middle, and Sanzo watched his blank face over the bump. He was making every effort to keep his face straight as his fingers roved over the strained muscles in his midsection, but Sanzo could tell he was searching for the kicking, thrashing creature within and finding nothing. "Are you sure you're not in labor?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'd be screaming for Hakkai if I was. Why? Think it's too soon for it to be yours?" Gojyo glared up at the ceiling, sarcasm biting at Sanzo in every syllable. "And yeah." His snark dissolved into dejection. "If it comes now, then it's too early. Shouldn't be due for another month."

"Whatever you say." Sanzo rose to his feet, glancing at Gojyo again. He let his gaze linger as he crossed the room, from the door to the side of the bed, and when Gojyo looked back at his eyes, he could see a tender center where there had only been stone before- or was it just his imagination? He pulled the fire down through his cigarette, and vaguely remembered something Hakkai had said. "When, exactly?"

"I'unno. I guess forty weeks from when we slept together- unless you still don't believe me." He sighed. "Ask Hakkai."

"I have. He doesn't know."

"Why were you asking-"

"Because I need to know when we'll need to stop." Sanzo betrayed a soft frown. "Why didn't you tell him when you thought you conceived?"

"'Cause of that piece of paper in your robe." Gojyo ran his hand down his face. "That'll break the contract, won't it?" Sanzo held his tongue for a moment.

"But you're close. You know that for sure." Sanzo dragged on his cigarette again, still looking at Gojyo down the narrow white roll. "You're going to need help. Why were you trying to run away?"

"I wasn't-"

"You were. Why else would you want to be alone, in your state?" Sanzo sighed out a cloud of smoke. "You're running away. It seems like that's all you do- first running away from the child, then from me, then from everything." Gojyo hung his head, as Sanzo fixed his gaze on him. "Ever since I lay with you, you've been slowly dying. When you aren't smiling, you look like a corpse."

Gojyo hissed under his breath, as Sanzo repeated the insult from when they were sleeping together. "You bastard-"

"If you run away now, you really will end up a corpse." Sanzo folded his arms, and Gojyo felt a wrench twist in his heart. "Do you want to die?"

"Do you really want to pretend to care how I feel?" Gojyo tipped a rebellious glare up at Sanzo.

"No." Sanzo tapped the cigarette, letting the smoke drift like incense around them.

"Will you let me go back to my bed?" Gojyo put his palms on the edge of the bed, ready to rise, but Sanzo bent at the waist and planted his hands over Gojyo's.

"No." Sanzo brought his face closer to Gojyo's, the same calm, even expression showing even deeper tenderness in the reflected moonlight. Gojyo was fully taken aback, both by this and by the softly spoken words that followed: "I'm going to help put you to sleep." He pressed a kiss onto Gojyo's forehead and brought his navel close to Gojyo's, his chest towards his. Gojyo leaned back, and Sanzo wrapped his arms around Gojyo's shoulders and continued forward. One hand settled itself on his belly, slowly massaging the tense muscles. Gojyo grunted softly, but as Sanzo shifted his mouth over his, he pushed his head up to kiss him back. Sanzo's lips fit between his, a key in a lock that unlocked his stiff elbows, and Sanzo drew his back down to the bed and straddled over his hips.

Gojyo winced as Sanzo settled over him and ran a palm over his contours, from his collarbone down over his breast and stomach. He hooked his thumb into the hollow at his hip, and moved his other hand to match. Gojyo squinted his eyes shut as Sanzo massaged his hips, hands drifting towards his pubic bone. Gojyo held in a gasp as Sanzo's hand shifted, and he cupped his cock in his palm.

"What're you do-"

(Suggested Track: "Heart's on Fire," Scars on 45, to end of chapter)

"You need this, don't you?" Sanzo's mouth was dry from controlling his breath, but he licked his lips and screamed mental insults to his own manhood, begging it to be silent. "You said you couldn't sleep unless you had sex. You haven't slept in ages. Let me help you."

He rolled down the top of Gojyo's boxer shorts and clasped his hand around his slowly-hardening rod. He stroked it, slowly, gripping the shaft firmly and squeezing as he came close to the tip. Gojyo didn't react- worse than that, Sanzo could feel him soften. He tilted his head up to look him in the face. Gojyo's right hand was stuffed in his mouth, fingers between his teeth, and the left plunged his fingernails into his breast, his eyes forced shut, and he was shaking his head side to side frantically. Sanzo removed his hand to break his silence.

"Sanzo, please- I can't." He swallowed hard. "I'll make noise. Too much noise. I can't move my body the way I should- I'm sore and stiff and-" He gasped for air, as Sanzo released him. He couldn't believe the next word out of his mouth: "No." He exhaled slowly, and Sanzo got up to his feet.

"I won't, then." Sanzo circled around to the other side of the bed. Gojyo winced as Sanzo' body landed behind him. "I don't think you're capable of sex in this state anyway." Gojyo felt the bed rock as Sanzo stretched out in a prone position, and laced his fingers together over his midsection, staring anxiously at the floor and digging his toes into the carpet. There was silence and stillness, until Sanzo reached up from behind and touched his shoulder. "Will you at least lay down?"

Without a word of protest, Gojyo swung his legs up onto the bed, and lay down flat on his back. He winced as the weight settled on his lower back, and rolled onto his left side. He curled his legs back like he usually did, but froze when his big toe touched Sanzo's leg. He withdrew, but Sanzo turned onto his side as well.

"Will you let me do this, at least?" He slung one arm under Gojyo's and onto his breast, then lay his other hand on the side of his belly. Gojyo shivered as Sanzo's cold hands started to warm up on his skin. "You asked me to do this before."

"It made your skin crawl."

"That doesn't matter. You wanted it." Sanzo traced a few small circles on his breast. "Do you want it now?"

Gojyo nodded, though Sanzo couldn't see. He wasn't sure why he wanted it, but when Sanzo pulled in close to him, locking his knees in behind his, wrapping his arms around his chest, he didn't need to understand. It felt so nice to feel his bare chest on his back, to feel and smell his breath across his cheek. However, what should have been calming and relaxing was driving Gojyo to dizziness.

He's close to me. He's touching me. He's not complaining. I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe he's doing this. It's my lucky night. I feel like my heart could explode.

After a few moments of their embrace, Sanzo cupped his hands around Gojyo's underbelly, lacing his fingers where they met, and Gojyo's breath started to come only in short gasps. His heart was pounding too hard for anything else. Sanzo seemed to notice, and squeezed just a little harder.

"Are you alright?" Gojyo nodded again, and Sanzo's palm slid up to his chest. "You, too."

"Huh?" Gojyo tried to look at him, but couldn't shift himself around without breaking Sanzo's hold.

"It's nothing." Sanzo's hand moved back down to his belly, and pressed themselves into the thin stripe of hair just above his pubic bone. "You..."

"I'm gonna owe you, aren't I?" Gojyo bit his lip, and he felt like his heart was disintegrating.

"Shh." Sanzo pressed his nose onto Gojyo's shoulder and plunged it into his hair. Gojyo shivered. For a fleeting second, Sanzo felt like a lover against his back. "Say goodnight to it."

"It?"

"Him. Her. You don't know, and I'd rather not offend by calling it the wrong pronoun." Gojyo felt a chill run down his back, as something began to click inside of him.

"Sanzo, please, don't listen to me for the next minute. You don't want to hear it. This is just gonna piss you off." Sanzo didn't respond, and Gojyo took this as a sign to go ahead. He folded his hands over Sanzo's and glanced down to his midsection. "I've decided for good now. If you're a boy, I wanna name you Yohei. If you're a girl, I'm gonna call you Kana. I don't care what happens to me, your Daddy's gonna love you like hell." He closed his eyes meditatively, waiting for the baby to respond, and groaned as he felt a twisting, somersaulting movement inside of him. Sanzo's hands pressed in- he must have felt it too, Gojyo thought- and the baby stopped shifting, though Gojyo could feel its feet pressing down against his ribs. It didn't have enough room to turn; it was just far too cramped, even with all the space. "Damn, you're just too big. I feel like an overstuffed pillow." He laughed under his breath. "What am I even talking about? I don't know how I'm gonna survive this. I don't even know how you'll be born."

"No doubt, the goddess will provide for your labor." Sanzo nuzzled his nose against his ear. Gojyo closed his eyes and smiled.

That was actually, genuinely sweet. Priestly, even. And I heard him say it. Lucky, lucky me.

For that moment, Gojyo didn't care that he could never talk about how he felt when he and Sanzo lay beside each other. He didn't care that he was only in Sanzo's arms because he pitied him. He didn't care that Sanzo would never accept his child or him. He didn't care that his heart ached and his soul writhed when Sanzo touched him, or that he was hungry to taste him every second of every day. For this second, this fragment of the universe was perfect to him, and he could sleep.

How many times have I lied to you? How many times have I lied to everybody about you? How many times did I deny myself you, did I look you in the eyes and deny you? How many times have I spit on your heels and at your back? What have I done to you?

He nuzzles his head on the pillow, closer to me, his back pressing against my belly. I catch him and hold him, drawing him in. Yes, I want you here.

I am a monster, so they say. I always have been. They look at me, and they whisper that I have the eyes of a youkai. Your every reaction tells me the same- I'm a monster, I'm the one who hurt you, I'm the one who's done this to you. I hit you and screamed at you and insulted you, and you took it all because you thought you had to. You didn't have to, but you let me hurt you. I let myself, and that's just as disgusting as the sensation I get whenever you turn away from me.

His body is so warm in my arms. I hold him tighter as he shifts again. How are you so nice to touch?

I've been called a monster before, that and worse. I look at myself differently. I'm a rat. I cling on the outskirts of life, gnawing on the remnants of corpses, jumping from crumb to crumb and building a throne on the backs of those I must use. Why, with you, with the others, can I not simply ignore you and forget that you, too, have a heart to break? I am a King of Rats, and you…

You belong here, your skin against mine.

You are buried under your scars. You are wrapped in the torment of your fate. You are mourning things you didn't know you could lose. You are a lover of murderers, a brother to monkeys, and so foolish you don't know how wise you are. You decide your every motion on card games and dice rolls, you jump between luck and misfortune, hanging by a noose and dancing around the trapdoor. You scrape the borders of hopelessness with your fingernails, telling your dreams to go fuck themselves all while achieving them in every step you take. I envy that in you, so much that I wish I could tear your throat out sometimes. You were almost killed for existing, and I wonder why you even choose to survive.

He snores. I don't think he did before, but he does now. I don't mind. I'm content to hear you breathing.

The difference between us is that you refuse to survive. You live. No matter how dead you look, you live, even if you think you have no reason to. You are a rat like I am, but at the same time, you're the god of yourself and the temples in distant India shall set out bowls of milk for your kin, kith, brethren, and children.

Heavy lies the head that wears the crown, but hold your head up high. You can still do that, can't you? I got you to smile, so at least I know you're still alive. I haven't made a corpse of you yet, no matter how hard I used to try. With that, I won't do it anymore, but it won't make up for all I did. So go ahead. Break our contract. I don't deserve to speak to you ever again. I shouldn't have you. Just let me keep you for tonight.

With my nose to the back of his head, his hair smells like cloves and cinnamon. I've never noticed before. Don't move your head. Don't- please don't move. Settle back in my arms. I've got you.

In this fragment of the universe, at this moment in time, there is no wrong, only right; nothing is your fault and there is nothing I can blame you for. There is no pain, only pressure to form diamonds. You live in an eternal afterglow of something that should never have happened, and I thank whatever there is to thank that I'm in your presence right now. You don't need me here, and I don't deserve to be. In this moment of space and time, there is only you and all you are, the life within you, the life I never deserved.

You too, little one. Can you feel my hand here, cradling you where you lie? Your father has you.

I'm lucky to be here. Lucky, lucky me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

End Notes: Guh. Warm fuzzies, every time. Anyone else agree? Or, what is your favorite part? I'd love to know! Leave a review, and the next chapter will be posted in two weeks!