DISCLAIMER: NO PART OF HARRY POTTER OR STARKID BELONGS TO ME. I AM SIMPLY WRITING THIS FOR FUN.
Previously:
"I would just like to point out that Voldemort didn't seem to be drunk at the end," Neville said.
"Okay, Neville," Hermione replied. "So that was the end. Should I click on the next one?"
"Go right ahead, Ms. Granger," Dumbledore said.
[set in Champions' tent]
[ENTER SNAPE]
SNAPE: The Hogwarts champions shall now enter the champions'
tent in preparation for the first task.
[Exit SNAPE, enter HARRY holding lunch bag]
HARRY: Man, I can't believe we've got to skip lunch period for this stupid task!
"Really Harry?" Ginny asked, amazed that any Harry Potter look-a-like would ever say such a thing. After al, he could die from this task.
"You could die, and all you care about is how you are missing lunch?" Hermione scolded him.
Harry put his hands up. "That's not me. Remember when I actually did this? I was scared to pieces. I wasn't worrying about lunch."
[Enter HERMIONE]
HERMIONE: Okay Harry, today's the day, the day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those notes that I wrote for you on dragons?
HARRY: No.
HERMIONE: What? Why not?
HARRY: Are you kidding? That's so boring!
"You are so conceited in this play, mate," Ron announced.
"You just figured that out?" Fred said dryly.
HERMIONE: W- so you didn't read them, you didn't prepare at all, you're not prepared at all?
HARRY: Well, no, at least I have my wand. [Checks pockets] Um, where's my-
"YOU LOST YOUR WAND?" everyone in the room exploded.
"Harry, you need that wand to defeat You-Know-Who!" Hermione reiterated. "How could you be so carless?"
"I have my wand," Harry started, pulling it out of his back pocket.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "I know you have your wand. I was talking to you in the play."
There was a pause, then "Never put your wand in you back pocket, Harry," Fred said.
"Greater wizards than you have been know to lose a buttock," George finished.
HERMIONE: Here [hands HARRY his wand]
HARRY: Hey! Cool! You're the best.
"Of course she has your wand," Ron chuckled.
HERMIONE: Harry, just – please don't die today! I don't want to see my best friend get eaten by a dragon! [Hugs HARRY]
HARRY: Wh- hey, just relax, okay? Save the tears for my funeral.
"Mr. Potter," Professor McGonagall said. "You are not being very melancholy for a person who might die at the moment."
"Um... okay?" Harry responded, not really sure what she meant.
"She means that you don't look worried that you might actually die," Hermione explained.
"Oh, well, that's not really me," Harry defended himself.
"Well duh," said Draco under his breath.
HERMIONE: Yeah.
[Enter DRACO & CEDRIC]
CEDRIC: So, tell me more about this 'Pigfarts', I find it to be very interesting!
DRACO: Well, while you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times because there's no atmosphere on Mars. So, if a single docking bay door opens, you'll probably die.
CEDRIC: My, how dreadful!
"Oh Cedric," Cho muttered softly under her breath. "You were always so upbeat."
Over Cho's comment, Ron said "That's not very Cedric like. He was never that upbeat."
DRACO: Well, but the good news is, if you're a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back!
CEDRIC: And he's the headmaster lion?
DRACO: - who can talk!
"Great, Draco. We really needed to know that," Ron commented.
CEDRIC: Oh. Well, hello Harry, how are we feeling today?
HARRY: Hey, Cedric. I'm trying to stay positive.
CEDRIC: Well good! I'm happy to find you in good spirits! Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: Hello.
"Nice cold shoulder," cho said, looking pissed off that anyone would ever disrespect her boyfriend.
"Well, hey," exclaimed Harry. "He was dating the girl I had a cru..." He stopped, looking unsure of how to go on. Meanwhile, Cho was looking very pleased with herself while Ginny's faced looked like a tomato had thrown up on it.
[Enter CHO]
CHO: Sugar-pie!
CEDRIC: My Darling! [she kisses him on both cheeks]. Was that a kiss for good luck?
CHO: No, that was for being so cotton-picking cute! This one's for good luck! [Kisses him on lips]
HARRY: I hate that guy.
Cho giggled while Ginny shot dagger eyes at her. The rest of the students in the room were wise enough to stay out of it.
HERMIONE: It's okay Harry, you're gonna be great!
[Enter DUMBLEDORE]
DUMBLEDORE: Ah! Oh, God! Granger, I thought you were a bogart!
"Im not that ugly," Hermione frowned.
"Pardon me, Ms. Granger. I do believe that was just supposed tobe a joke," Dumbledore apologized.
DUMBLEDORE: And what the hell are you doing in the champions' tent? Get outta here! Ten more points!
HARRY: Thanks Hermione.
"It's nice to know that my friends will stick up for me," Hermione said, hiding a smile.
"You know we aren't really like that," Harry exclaimed, not knowing that she was joking.
DUMBLEDORE: Are you kids ready to fight a dragon? Of course not, you're just children, what the hell am I thinking?
"It's nice to know that, Professor," the twins said together.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, outside this tent are thousands-upon-thousands of screaming fans and they're either going to be cheering for you, or the dragon but either way they're going to be making some kinda noise! So, in order for the selection-process to be fair, I am going to randomly select a cardboard cut-out version of the dragon you will be fighting. For you Cedric: Puff the magic dragon! [hands card to Cedric].
"What?" cried Harry. "That wasn't a dragon in real life."
"Hush, Harry" Ginny said.
DUMBLEDORE: Figment, the imaginary dragon [hands card to Cho]. The reluctant dragon [hands card to Draco].
"What me get a real dragon." Harry commented. "It would be just my luck."
DUMBLEDORE: And for you Potter … THE HUNGARIAN HORNTAIL, THE MOST TERRIFYING THING YOU'LL EVER SEE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE! [hands card to Harry]
HARRY: Aaah!
"See," Harry pointed out smugly.
DUMBLEDORE: [Moving away] Anyway, if there are no more complaints, I think I will-
HARRY: Hold on a second – wait a second – this is terrifying! Those are the cutest things I've ever seen!
DUMBLEDORE: [taking CHO's card] This thing is horrifying! Just use your imagination. Disapparate!
The twins bursted into laughter.
"It's an imaginary dragon," one said, still laughing his guts out.
"And he said to just," the other one said.
"Use your imagination," they both said, causing a new fit of laughter for both of them.
[Exit DUMBLEDORE, enter RON]
RON: God, this competition's gonna suck, all these dragons are wimps! Accio double stuff! [Eats Oreo] Ugh, look at that one. [sees HARRY's card] OH MY GOD MONSTER! Oh, is that yours?
HARRY: Yeah.
RON: Oh my God, awesome, lemme hold it. [Takes card] Oh my God, this thing is terrifying, I hope the real thing is smaller!
"Somehow I doubt it will be," Hermione rolled her eyes.
RON: Ragh! Ferocious. What're you gonna do?
HARRY: I don't know, I'm not cut out for this kinda stuff! [Takes back card]
"You're Harry Potter," Ron exclaimed. "Of course you are cut out for this stuff. I you weren't I don't know who would be."
[Enter HERMIONE]
HERMIONE: Ron, you can't be in here, this is the champions' tent!
[Enter SNAPE]
SNAPE: Ms. Granger! What the devil are you doing in the champions' tent? Ten points from Griffindor!
HARRY & RON: Thanks Hermione.
RON: Hey, good luck buddy. [Waves at Snape] Bye, Snape!
SNAPE: Bye.
"There is no way Snape would do that," Ron exclaimed, shocked at his Professors attitude.
[Exit RON & HERMIONE]
SNAPE: Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.
[Exit SNAPE]
CEDRIC: Alright, fellas, wish me luck!
CHO: I believe in you.
CEDRIC: That's all I needed to hear.
[Exit CEDRIC]
HARRY: Hey, Malfoy, tell you what, I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me. I'll give you that opportunity. I'll tell you what, don't worry about it.
DRACO: Hmmm, let me think abo- no.
"Do you really think I would be that dumb?," Draco commented.
HARRY: Come on. [Looks in lunch bag] I'll give you my Gushers!
DRACO: [Checks own lunch bag] Oh, no, no, I have a Fruit-by-the-Foot, I don't want the Gushers.
"What are those?" both Harry and Draco asked. everyone looked at Hermione.
"THey are probably some snack," Hermione ventured, not really knowing what they were.
[Enter SNAPE]
SNAPE: Cho Chang! Your dragon awaits!
CHO: Well, I can't imagine that this will be very hard!
SNAPE: Then I imagine it won't be!
[Exit SNAPE & CHO, laughing]
Again, the twins laughed at the imaginary joke.
HARRY: Malfoy, come on! I'll tell you what, I'll throw in my teddy grahams with the Gushers. You can make little Gusher-teddy graham sandwiches!
DRACO: Hmm [checks HARRY's lunch bag]. Alright, you throw in that pack of Bugles and you've got yourself a deal!
"Great, now Harry doesn't have to fight that terrifying dragon," Ron exclaimed.
"I can't believe I would ever be that stupid," Draco said, putting his face in his hands.
HARRY: Absolutely not, no way.
"HARRY!" Ginny and Hermione screeched.
"Why would you do that? If you die, it won't matter if you have your Bugles or not," Ginny continued.
"How could you be that stupid?" Hermione went on.
"I can," Draco muttered under his breath.
[Enter SNAPE]
SNAPE: Draco Malfoy!
[Exit DRACO]
HARRY: Professor Snape? Is there any way that I could – I dunno –forfeit or switch dragons or maybe just take a day off or
"Like Snape would let you do that," Ron muttered quietly to Harry.
HARRY: [Snape pours ketchup on HARRY] – wwhat are you doing? What is that?
SNAPE: I'm protecting you, Potter. Welsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of Heinz tomato Ketchup!
"You're helping him, Professor?" Hermione looked at Snape in amazement. Everyone else in the room, except for Dumbledore, were staring at Snape as well.
"I..." Snape began to say.
"But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback," Harry shouted out.
HARRY: But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail.
SNAPE: Oh, well silly me – hehe – Heinz tomato Ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails like best of all. [Takes card] Haha, good luck Potter.
"I knew he couldn't be helping you," Ron murmured while everyone nodded in agreement.
[Exit SNAPE]
[Lights up to reveal benches in the corner with STUDENTS and DUMBLEDORE]
DUMBLEDORE: And now Harry Potter will battle a terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you've ever seen in your whole life! It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed in two weeks!
"Who the hell forgets to feed a dragon for two weeks?" Harry asked to no one in particular.
"I think it was on purpose," Hermione said, gently nudging Harry.
"Oh, right," he replied sheepishly.
HOGWARTS STUDENTS: Come on, Harry! Woo! You can do this! Just think positive!
[Enter DRAGON]
"Hey look," Cho squealed. "I'm part of the dragon!"
HARRY: [Almost gets eaten] Aaah! Accio guitar!
"Oh great," Draco said, throwing his hands in the air. "Another song by the magnificent Harry Potter."
"Technically, I haven't had any solo songs before this one," Harry retorted.
"You know what I meant," Draco said, his cheeks turning slightly red.
HARRY: [SING] Hey dragon
you don't gotta do this
Lets re-evaluate our options
throw away our old presumptions
cause really
you don't wanna go through this
"So you're singing a song to a dragon trying to convince it not to eat you," Ron mustered up. "Somehow I don't see that working in the real world."
HARRY: [SING] I'm really not that special
the Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone
Ginny let out a laugh. "Not special my..." She stopped, remembering that her Professors were in the room with her.
HARRY: [SING] the truth is in the end
I'm pretty useless without friends
In fact I'm alone
Just like now
"Well of course you are alone right now," Ron commented. "You're fighting a dragon."
HARRY: [SING] but anyhow
I spend my time at school
trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for
I don't know any spells
"So you admit it, Potter," Draco sneered.
"Hey, I do know spell. How else would I have survived this long?" Harry shot back.
HARRY: [SING] Still manage to do well
But there's only so long that can last for
I'm living off the glory
of some stupid children's story
That I had nothing to do with
"You had nothing to do with it,"George said sarcastically.
"Yep, those stories called Harry Potter," Fred continued.
"Aren't about you at all," they said together.
HARRY: [SING] I just sat there and got lucky
"I wish I were that lucky when it came to Mum's rage," Ron muttered under his breath.
HARRY: [SING] so level with me buddy
I can't defeat thee
so please don't eat me
All I can do
is sing this song for you
"Really, Harry?" Hermione looked a her friend in disbelief. "Really? That's the best you can do?"
HARRY: [SING] Lalalalala
DRAGON: [SING] Rarararara
HARRY: [SING] Lalalalala
HARRY: [SING]That's right Dragon
HARRY: [SING]You never asked to be a dragon
Everyone in the room had a confused face on. "What?" Ron finally asked.
HARRY: [SING] I never asked to be a champion
"Oh, I get it," Ron said.
HARRY: [SING] We both just jumped on the band wagon
But all we need is guitar jamming!
"Guitar jamming isn't going to save the world, Harry," Hermione told him.
"I can't even play guitar," Harry defended. "So I don't know how I would save the world with it.
HARRY: [SING] Lalalalala
DRAGON: [SING][Sleepily] Rarararara
HARRY: Goodnight Dragon [DRAGON falls asleep]
[Harry puts down guitar, goes to dragon and pins it down]
HARRY: [Thumping fist wrestling-style] ONE-TWO-THREE, I
BEAT THE DRAGON!
[Hogwarts students cheer]
[Exit ALL]
"I must admit, that was a pretty awesome way to beat a dragon," Hermione commented.
"So you didn't like what I did in really life?" Harry asked her.
"I did, but this way wouldn't cause you as many injuries."
~Here's the next chapter. I should be updating more regularly now that school is almost over. I hope you all like this and review. Thanks to everyone who is still reading this even though I haven't updated in a while. And thank yous to everyone who have reviewed, followed, or favorited this story. I means a lot to me. Peace Out!~