A/N: Sorry.

"So get down to it, Clarke. Why did you so vehemently demand my presence?" Raven raised an eyebrow as she sipped at her coffee. Sighing deeply, Clarke tried to work herself up to telling Raven what she needed to. "Come on, spit it out, Griffin."

"Fine, just… you have to promise to keep it to yourself, okay? At least until I figure out what to do. There is a reason I didn't invite Octavia or Harper or Maya."

Raven narrowed her eyes in suspicion but agreed. "Now tell me what it is, the suspense is killing me. Are you pregnant? Are you moving?" Her eyes widened, "Oh my God, are you dying?"

"No, its nothing… it's not a big deal, okay? It's just… private." Raven looked ready to throttle her if she didn't explain herself soon. "It's about Bellamy."

The woman across from her rolled her eyes and flung herself back against the cheap, wooden chair. "Oh, God, don't tell me I have to go to another Blake surprise party. Last time I woke up on the bathroom floor with puke-"

"No, its not a party," Clarke said hastily as an elderly woman the table over eyed her and Raven with disgust. "And could you keep your voice down a little? We are in public."

"For the love of God, Griffin, if you don't spill your guts in the next twenty seconds I will-"

"I made out with Bellamy at the New Years party!"

Raven's eyes widened as she nearly spit out her coffee. The old lady next to them looked scandalized. Clarke covered her mouth in embarrassment at how loud her declaration had been.

"What?" Raven nearly shrieked. "Oh my God, fucking finally! Please tell me you hooked up too!"

At this the old woman very loudly made her departure, her shrewd eyes eating into Clarke and Raven as she made her way to the door.

"No, we did not hook up," Clarke hissed, staring at her coffee as if it had horribly insulted her. "Look, we were really drunk and I guess I was feeling kind of lonely and he said some things that just… I don't know he has really big hands and his freckles looked really good in the light of the kitchen and I just wanted to know what it would be like and it just happened."

"You just happened to make out with Bellamy. Like I just happened to step in gum this morning. Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

"Clarke, there is clearly more to this."

"No, there isn't. We were drunk and we kissed and then Jasper broke the window trying to impress Maya with his pitching skills so Bellamy had to go deal with that. Nothing happened afterwards."

Raven narrowed her eyes and stared at Clarke for a long moment. Her scrutiny made Clarke uncomfortable, causing her to pick apart the paper napkin by her hand. "Have you talked to him about it at all?"

"No."

"Clarke! It's been, like, a week!"

"We both have been really busy with work."

"You fucking live together, Griffin."

"Every time I see him I get so nervous! I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this!"

"Just be honest with him. Look if-" Raven was interrupted by her phone. She glanced down at the screen before shooting Clarke an apologetic look. "I'll be right back, I got to take this, its work."

Clarke nodded and focused on the napkin again, thankful for the momentary break in conversation. She has never been great at dealing with people, since she was a kid Clarke preferred to handle her issues and emotions on her own. This situation with Bellamy, however, was proving too complicated to work out on her own. It was sticky enough, but living with him made things much worse. That was why she had called Raven. It was a last ditch effort to try and figure out what to do.

But Raven's solution was honesty and as much as Clarke understood that reasoning, it scared her shitless. Honestly, she was pretty sure she liked Bellamy. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. He was her best friend, but there was also something about him that was different. It was hard to explain, but things just felt easy and safe with him. But it wasn't that simple because he wasn't just some guy she met at a bar. No, Bellamy was the older brother of one of her best friends, a central figure in her social group, her roommate, and her landlord. Clarke's thoughts were interrupted as Raven came back to the table.

"Sorry about that, Wick is an idiot who can't seem to cope with working on his own for a few short hours. Now where were we-"

"How is Wick?" Clarke tried to act casual but Raven didn't fall for her move in the slightest.

"Don't try to change the topic, Griffin. Okay, so you and Bellamy made out, you were interrupted, and, despite living in the same God damn house, you haven't talked about it yet?"

"Correct. You know, I think I might go get a muffin, do you-"

"So now you need to figure out what to say to him, because you are going to talk to him tonight."

"But-"

"No buts, Clarke. The longer you put this off the worse it will be. You live with this guy, it isn't exactly something you can just sweep under the rug."

"Exactly! That's what the problem is!"

"Yeah, which is why I'm telling you to just be honest with him and-"

"No, you don't get it, Raven. The problem is that I live with him. What if we decide to pursue this and then it goes down in flames? Then what? Either I awkwardly live and pay rent to my ex and have an awkward relationship with Octavia and everyone else or I move out and our friends are divided between us."

"What makes you so certain it will end badly?"

"Have you met us? We fought over whether or not Scooby Doo like Scooby Snacks because they are Scooby Snacks or if he would react the same way to any other treat."

"That was months ago, though."

Clarke sighed, covering her eyes with her hand. "The truth of the matter is that every relationship ends in marriage or a break up. It's 50/50 and I don't want to bet my whole life as I know it on those odds."

"And what, you don't think it will be awkward anyways?"

"Of course it will be, it already is. But that's better than having to move out and find new friends."

Huffing with irritation, Raven looked out the window. "I just don't get you sometimes, Clarke. You are too rational. It would do you some good to not think everything out. Just go with how you feel. How do you feel about Bellamy?"

"I told you, its-"

"No, you listed everything that could go wrong. Tell me how you feel about Bellamy."

Rolling her eyes, Clarke leaned back in her chair. She hated opening up to people like this, it made her feel vulnerable and weak. Clarke didn't talk about her emotions; she just dealt with them on her own. "Raven, I don't want-"

"Just answer the question, Griffin."

Clarke leaned forward, her jaw set with irritation. "Fine. He is my best friend, okay?"

"And?"

"And he is just really easy to talk to, and he gets me."

"And?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. Raven repeated the question.

"And he makes me laugh. He's really sweet once you get over the whole asshole thing. He has a lot of depth to him that others don't see at first. He would do anything for the people he cares about and I really admire that. I like his freckles and his hair and his shoulders."

"And?"

"God, Raven. Enough okay?"

"Clarke, there was obviously a reason why you decided to kiss him."

"Yes, your shots."

"No, all my shots did was make that brain of yours shut up for a couple minutes so your heart could do the talking. Look, its obvious to me that you like him, and its obvious that he likes you too. If you ask me, I say take the gamble and see where this goes. If it goes south, I have a spare bedroom with your name on it." Clarke didn't answer. She just stared at the napkin that was now torn into little shreds. "Just be honest with him, Clarke. Tell him everything you told me; your fears if things go wrong but also all the things that could go right."

Finally Clarke nodded. "Thanks, Raven."

"Anytime, Griffin. Now come on, I need to get back to work and make sure Wick doesn't blow a casket."

Clarke waited on the sofa in the living room that night for Bellamy to get back from work. She picked at the cushions and ran over Raven's words in her head. She needed to let her feelings guide her for once. Like Raven said, she needed to put away her rational side and just do what felt right. With a groan, Clarke dropped her head into her hands. She hated this sort of thing.

She was broken out of her thoughts by the sound of a key jingling in the door. Quickly, Clarke ran a hand through her hair and straightened her shirt. She stood when Bellamy came in. As soon as she saw him her mouth went dry. He was still in his uniform, his hair messy from the day, dark shadows under his eyes, and five o'clock shadow on his jaw. Without warning, her eyes travelled down to his lips as memories of their soft, demanding kiss rushed through her mind. Biting her lip anxiously, Clarke dragged her eyes back up to his face. He looked surprised to see her waiting for him.

"Hey." Her voice cracked. God, she thought, she sound like a pubescent boy.

"Hey." He scratched the back of his head, a familiar sign of anxiety Clarke recognized from months living with him.

"Can we talk?" It felt like her insides were boiling, twisting around and rebelling against themselves. Bellamy nodded and suggested they go to the kitchen; he hadn't had time to have dinner that evening. Clarke followed behind him, letting Raven's words of advice flow through her. This was Bellamy. He was easy to talk to, to be honest with. She opened up to him more than she opened up to anyone, so why was this so hard?

"Do you want anything?" Bellamy asked as he shuffled around in the fridge. Clarke declined and leaned back against the counter. In a flash of panic and blurry memories of warm lips and hard muscles, she moved towards the table in the corner of the kitchen instead. Sitting on the tabletop, Clarke watched Bellamy start to make a grilled cheese. Once the bread was in the pan, he turned to her, crossing his arms and leaning back against the counter. They stayed like that for a minute. Just silently taking in one another, both afraid of making the first move.

"I talked to Raven today."

He nodded, "That's nice."

Clarke hummed in agreement before steeling herself. Now or never. "I hope you don't mind, but I told her about… well about what happened at the party." Though he didn't speak, the flush that spread up Bellamy's neck was indication enough that he knew exactly what she was talking about. "I mean, obviously we need to talk about it but I'm not good at… at expressing myself and how I feel I guess so I wanted to get her advice… Anyways, she said I should be honest with you."

Bellamy suddenly became very interested in flipping over the bread in the pan. Clarke could see the muscle in his jaw tick. There was no backing down now. All she had to do was be honest. This was Bellamy; it couldn't be that hard.

"And?"

Clarke had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at the question after her conversation with Raven. Her stomach churned as she watched him peel slices of cheese for his sandwich.

"Well…" His dark eyes suddenly lifted and met hers. Suddenly her carefully built up confidence evaporated. "I think it was a mistake." Raven had said to think with her heart not her head, but she was Clarke Griffin. Her head always came before her heart and her head was telling her to not make the gamble.

"Oh," Bellamy quickly shifted his gaze back to the pan; Clarke could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.

"It's just… we were really drunk and I think the alcohol and the emotions of the evening just got the best of us, you know?" He nodded tightly. "I was feeling lonely I suppose and just… I don't know. But I don't want things to be awkward or uncomfortable between us; I mean we have to live together but beyond that… you are one of my best friends. I don't want to lose that because of a stupid, drunken mistake." Clarke watched Bellamy flex his hand and curl it into a fist. At least she wasn't the only one who felt uncomfortable. Still, he didn't talk. "What do you think?"

Without looking up at her he nodded, clearing his throat before talking. "Yeah, we were drunk. It was stupid." His voice was thick, his face unreadable.

They sat in heavy silence for a moment. Clarke felt the sudden urge to scream. "Well, I should probably get to bed, I have an early shift." Bellamy just nodded. "Hey," she moved to touch his arm, the action seemed to startle him, causing him to recoil at her touch. "We're good right? We're friends?"

Smiling tightly, Bellamy nodded. "Yeah, friends. Night, princess."

"Good night, Bellamy."

It wasn't until she was finally in her bed that Clarke felt like she could breathe again.

Her morning passed in a daze. She moved from patient to patient like machine, going through all the motions but not fully there. For some reason Clarke couldn't shake the sick feeling in her stomach. Something gnawed at her, and yet she couldn't place which emotion it was. Guilt? Regret? Embarrassment? Around 11 Clarke found herself in the cafeteria absentmindedly eating a yogurt when someone settled in the seat across from her.

"You okay, Clarke?"

She looked up with a start and found Lexa watching her, face full of concern. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

The other woman didn't look convinced as she sipped on her coffee and watched Clarke carefully. "Really? Because you have been totally out of it all day. What's going on?"

Clarke shook her head. "Nothing, its stupid really."

"Yeah, being totally out of it while working the ER is pretty stupid. Now spill."

Clarke examined the woman across from her. She knew Lexa well enough, they had worked together for months now and occasionally went to a bar with their coworkers after work, but Lexa wasn't the type of person who often urged others to expose their problems to. She was a bit standoffish, but for some reason had taken to Clarke pretty early on. Despite her faults, Clarke did like the other doctor as well. There was a strength to her that Clarke admired, not to mention she was soft on the eyes. With a sigh Clarke gazed out across the cafeteria where family members, patients, and medical staff were mingling.

"Like I said, its stupid. Long story short, I got drunk and kissed this guy who is a pretty big part of my life. It was a mistake but now everything is just…"

"Awkward?"

"Confusing. I don't know… Like I said, it's dumb. I feel like I'm back in fucking high school," Clarke let out a bitter laugh. "I did the right thing by not pursuing it, I know that. I'm not good at relationships and I don't want to fuck up this friendship, but at the same time I can't shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach." Though she was staring fixedly at her cuticles, Clarke could feel Lexa's gaze on her.

Finally the other woman spoke. "Love is stupid. It's weakness."

Clarke's head jerked up, brows drawn in confusion. "What?"

Leaning forward, Lexa swished the contents of her Styrofoam cup around, watching the dark liquid swirl. "I had this girlfriend ages ago, I loved her more than I thought I could, but it ended badly. Really badly. I felt like shit for a while but then I figured out the secret to life. You may not love this guy, I mean you said it was a mistake, but the advice still stands if you want it." Clarke nodded, urging Lexa to continue. She had always valued the other doctor's medical advice; surely her life advice would be equally praise worthy. "Love is weakness. It only leads to unhappiness. I know that goes against everything that everyone says, but its true. Once I let go and just started living without emotional strings attached to everything, I had way more fun. You feel like shit right now because you let yourself get too attached to something. You have to just live life instead."

Clarke stared at her yogurt, lost in thought.

"Forget about him, Clarke. About whatever it is you have with him. If you want to feel better, do new things. Meet new people. Fuck somebody. Just don't get hung up on one person because love always leaves you feeling like this." Lexa glanced at her watch. "Look, my break is over, but think about what I said, okay? You are strong, Clarke. You're better than this. Stop being weak and start living life how you want to, fuck everyone else. Both literally and figuratively." She winked at Clarke before striding out of the cafeteria with her typical gusto.

Lexa's advice stayed with Clarke throughout the week. She couldn't decide if she agreed with the philosophy or not. Clarke was by no means a particularly sentimental person, but a life lacking any emotional attachment seemed rather sad and lonely. Besides, she wasn't sure if it applied to her situation. After all, she wasn't in love with Bellamy, right? They had kissed drunkenly. There was a big difference.

Eventually, the awkwardness that persisted in all of Bellamy and Clarke's interactions faded away as the weeks passed. By late January things were more or less normal in the house, though quieter without Octavia around (although she did visit often). Even so, things didn't seem the same to Clarke. She and Bellamy still argued and joked and hung out, but there was a distance between them that hadn't been the before. For a while she couldn't place exactly what it was, until one Thursday night. They were sitting on the couch watching Jeopardy reruns, a frequent past time of theirs that had led to Octavia fondly calling them "old farts" on multiple occasions. Typically, they sat close together, close enough for Clarke to elbow Bellamy if he got a little too cocky after getting a question right and close enough for him to push her back in revenge. This particular Thursday, however, Bellamy opted for the armchair instead of the sofa and everything suddenly clicked into place for Clarke. The distance between them was a physical thing; Bellamy was intentionally not as close to her as he had been before new years. Thinking back on their interactions, this was even more clear. He use to touch her casually all the time, on the shoulder as he passed by, on the back as he moved around her in the kitchen or opened the front door, poking her on the forehead if she was being particularly brainy. But over the past few weeks that had all ended. Was he worried Clarke read too much into their closeness? Did he not want to offend her? Perhaps most intriguing, was he trying to distance himself from her because he felt more about their drunken kiss than she did? The thought puzzled Clarke and she spent the rest of the night sneaking glances at him out of the corner of her eye.

When she enlightened Raven about this theory, her friend simply cackled and shook her head. "You know, Clarke, for all your brains you really can be pretty dumb."

Clarke felt herself blush, "Shut up, it was just a theory okay so-"

"No, you don't get what I'm trying to say. Of course he feels more about it. Have you met the man? He is nothing but emotions no matter how hard he tries to act like he doesn't give a shit about anything. Look, he kissed you back and apparently said some 'stuff' that you refuse to elaborate on. Plus I have seen the way he gives you those puppy dog eyes. He is totally in love with you."

"No he isn't-"

"Please, Clarke. Save it. I can't handle this today. Literally everyone I know agrees that it's just a matter of time with you two. You deciding to totally ignore my advice when you talked to him about the kiss, which was also pretty damn stupid, is just a set back."

"Maybe he just doesn't want to make things more awkward, or he doesn't know if it would make me uncomfortable."

"Or he is totally heartbroken because you rejected him and is trying to distance himself to avoid more pain." Clarke rolled her eyes. "Look, you are the one who brought it up. He is into you, like really, really into you. Octavia agrees and she would know better than anyone."

"You talked to her about this?"

"She's not dumb! She could tell something was going on with you two and asked me… well got me drunk and then asked me. Look, you know I can't keep a secret, you knew that when you told me."

Clarke sighed. "Whatever, forget I mentioned it. Jasper said you are thinking of getting a dog, what type?" Raven looked like she wanted to continue the conversation, and shook her head at the obvious change of topic, but humored Clarke and told her about her plans.

A week later Clarke watched Raven and Octavia's theory regarding Bellamy's supposed love for her evaporate. He hadn't brought a girl home in months, since the summer at least, but that night he came stumbling in with a pretty, slim brunette giggling by his side. Surprised by the commotion, Clarke had crossed from the TV room into the living room where Bellamy made brief eye contact with her before leading his guest up the stairs and to his bedroom.

Clarke spent the next few hours fuming in front of the TV watching Dance Moms and eating straight out of the tub of ice cream. She told herself the anger in the pit of her stomach was because of PMS, definitely not jealousy. Who cared what Bellamy did? If he wanted to bring some harlot back then he could. She would be gone in the morning anyways, just like all the others.

The problem was, Echo wasn't gone in the morning. In fact, she stuck around a lot longer than Clarke had expected. Three weeks later she was becoming a common fixture at the house. She and Bellamy would be sitting and watching TV when Clarke came home, the brunette taking up the spot Clarke usually occupied on the couch. Bellamy made Echo his blueberry pancakes, invited her to Octavia's parties, and went out with her on his free nights instead of staying in with Clarke like he use to.

Clarke told herself she didn't care and ignored the sympathetic looks from Octavia and Raven. Bellamy was her roommate, not anything else. Why should she care if Echo left her things all over the house and had an annoying laugh and was way too pretty and since when did Bellamy do relationships? Not that it mattered.

One night, a few weeks after Bellamy and Echo had started dating, Clarke reached her boiling point. She was trying to read a patient's file at the dining room table, the particular patient had a mysterious affliction that none of the doctors had been able to figure out, but was finding it hard to concentrate due to the bursts of laughter coming from the kitchen. Echo has insisted on cooking Bellamy dinner and apparently wasn't capable of doing so in her own apartment. After one particularly loud bought of giggles, Clarke slammed the file shut, grabbed her phone, and texted Lexa to see if she wanted to go out to a bar. Her coworker was more than eager to meet her.

As it turned out, Lexa was a lot more fun away from the hospital and with a few drinks in her and maybe it was the alcohol or the anger in her, but Clarke decided that she liked Lexa. She promptly told the other woman this and was rewarded with a wide, bright smile.

"Fucking finally, Griffin, I have been hitting on you for months."

Clarke drew her brows in confusion, "I thought you didn't do relationships, love is weakness and all that."

"I'm not saying I'm looking for a relationship, relationship, but you and I could certainly have some fun," she winked and pulled Clarke onto the dance floor, causing Clarke to erupt in uncharacteristic giggles.

It became a pattern after that, every time Echo appeared Clarke would text Lexa and get out of the house. She and Bellamy saw less and less of each other, often only really hanging out at mutual friends' parties despite the fact that they lived together. Raven and Octavia's only comment on the situation was that they were "fucking idiots who seem to relish in causing yourselves pain."

But it was easier, in Clarke's opinion, to go hang out with Lexa instead of dealing with Bellamy. It wasn't like they never hung out or talked; they just weren't as close as they were before. But there was nothing wrong with that; people grow apart after all. She decidedly ignored the tightening in her stomach whenever she saw Bellamy with Echo, and told herself that when she kissed Lexa a little too voraciously at parties it was because she liked her and she felt like it, not because Bellamy was in the same room.

He was just Bellamy and she was just Clarke. They were roommates and friends and Octavia and Raven could go fuck themselves because she was perfectly happy and definitely, absolutely, without doubt, not pining from him. Nope, Clarke Griffin was perfectly happy with her life, thank you very much.

A/N: I hope y'all like it (well as much as you can, given the content). It was less dialogue than I usually do, I hope that didn't come off as laziness or anything on my part. I just wanted to focus a lot on what is going on in Clarke's head here. I think Bellamy is a lot more transparent with his emotions in general but Clarke is someone who bottles it up a lot and tries to ignore the things she feels. I wanted to really focus on that this chapter.

Only three chapters left! How will it end? Oh no!

Hehe, y'all will like next chapter more I promise. It will be very angsty and sad but more satisfying I think.

Love y'all and look forward to your comments :)