Previously
"He's right." I cut her off. "He's right Tori. I was never enough for you. I never even tried to be." I say pulling back to look her in the eyes.
"I know" she says sadly.
"And I... I can't be. I'm not what you need Tori. I put you through hell and I treated you like shit. I broke every promise I made and broke you in front of everyone... and I am so sorry. But you have to be happy. I need you to be happy. I don't want anyone to ever treat you the way I did. You are better than that and you deserve better than that." I end in a whimper.
Her lip starts quivering and her eyes fill with tears at this point.
"And I will do everything I can to make sure that that happens. Whoever it ends up being, you will never have to feel this way again." I finish, hell I'm begging her now. Begging her to be happy with anyone.
"No" she chokes out letting tears trail down her cheeks.
"No?" I ask. "Why? Why won't you find someone to be happy with?"
"Because I don't want that" she stifles a sob.
"Why?" I yell. I don't understand, it's almost absurd. She is broken. I broke her. Yet here she is telling me she doesn't want any better. "How can you possibly be okay with the way things are!"
She looks up at me, barely holding herself together, and manages fix yet another part of me.
"Because the only person I wanna be happy with is you"
Present
I've always wondered what it would be like to die.
To die and then be brought back.
I'm not talking about a manual resuscitation, someone fracturing your diaphragm, pumping air back into your lungs. I'm talking about a surge of unnatural energy. A charge constricting the heart itself. Not seeing life slowly return to your eyes, but a violent awaking, jolting your very existence. Every electrical signal in your body firing at the same time.
Pathetic.
To think that if Tori placed her hands on my chest that would actually happen. Even more pathetic that it actually worked.
It's like all of a sudden I'm breathing again. It's no longer a slow agonizing pace to find all my pieces. All of a sudden they were just there, slamming back into where they're supposed to be. I'm unprepared and it hurts like crazy. Things are being torn from wherever they were imbedded and reopening the scar tissue of where they were originally.
"Because the only person I wanna be happy with is you"
To say I'm sobbing is an understatement. Hysterics doesn't even quite cover it. Tori is trying to hold me together as I try to crumple to the ground.
People were starting to gather not so discretely as I fell apart, honestly I didn't even care. I wasn't trying to please them or even be strong. Why should I be?
I barely even register her putting me in my passenger seat and taking my keys.
Why does she care that people are seeing me like this? Why does is matter if they know that I do in fact cry?
Ten minutes pass and she's almost carrying me into her house and to her room. I really am pathetic.
I figured after she got me to her bed and held me that all hell would break lose in my head. That my body would betray everything I've ever taught it. That I would literally fall apart. But then…
Nothing.
I take a huge gulp of much needed air and then it's like everything just ends. Not stops, ends. I'm no longer crying, I don't feel like I can't breathe, even the pain is barely registering.
"Why?" My voice cracks.
"Why what?" She counters softly.
"Why me?" I pull away from her to look into her eyes. "After all of this, all that I put you through, why would you want that?"
Her eyes fall for a moment before she looks back up to me.
"Because that isn't you Jade. It never was. I wasn't in love with you because you were strong, or because people didn't mess with you. I never wanted you because you were challenging and dark." She says before taking my hands. "I wanted you because this is who you are Jade. The side that you so desperately hide from everyone. The side that only I was allowed to see when we were alone."
"Tori… you don't understand" I sniffle. "I can't be what you want me to be all the time. I can't show other people who you think I am. The side of me that you can't stand is just as much a part of me as the part you love. I'm going to hurt you Tori, I'm going to make you angry, hell, I'll probably even lie to you. And you-"
"And you'll also love me more than anyone else ever could. " She cuts me off. "You'll protect me, you'll make me laugh, you'll make me happy."
"And I'll probably be just the same as I was before!" I yell frustrated. "What makes me different now? Why am I worth it now?"
She almost glares at me. It's like I'm so stupid for not knowing or for doubting her. But I'm angry. I don't get it. How am I any different form the day we fell apart?
"What's changed Tori? Why am I different now? What the hell are you seeing that I can't?" I say standing up and turning to face her.
Her jaw clenches and her eyes narrow at me. She said it herself, I'm challenging, and here it is full force.
She stands up quickly, grabs my shoulder, and roughly spins me to look into her full length mirror.
"That!" She yells starting to cry. "That right there! You're not just you anymore Jade!" She yells as I look at her in the reflection. "There's me too." She whimpers the last part and tears start rolling down her cheeks.
And there it is. There I am. Staring back at my own reflection, no cracks like before. Before everything, my dad, Beck, myself… but it's different.
Because now I can see her too.
"We shattered Jade. Not just you, me too. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put myself back together. I was so incomplete, so many pieces were missing." She say stifling a sob.
My eyes start to widen and I have to keep myself from collapsing.
"Jade… we were never meant to find the rest of our pieces. All of what I have fits the rest of yours. When you put us together were one complete reflection. Nothing's misshaped or fractured. The rest of you is out there just like the rest of me. But I don't want any other image of myself unless you're in it." She finishes.
Oh my god…
I could never put myself back together… because she had the rest of me… she is the rest of me.
And I'm the rest of her.
We're perfect, we're…
"Beautiful" I whisper.
It's us unflawed surface. Like we were made this way.
"Jade, there were parts of you that I couldn't put back together. Parts that only you had access to. But you wouldn't fix them. You were jagged and cutting into me. I… I couldn't handle it anymore." She finishes as I turn around to face her.
"So you left" I say softly. She nods.
"You had figure things out. If we were gonna be together I knew you would." She says.
I had to become Tori's Jade again.
"There were things I had to figure out too." She says as her eyes well with more tears. "I hurt you so badly. I took some of the most precious things about is and ousted them… just to hurt you. I was demanding and kind of controlling and I… I am so sorry for the way I treated you."
She's sorry? But I was so horrible to her. I thought she was too weak to leave me so I did whatever I wanted. I know she wasn't perfect to me but she was most certainly not anything near what I was to her.
"It's ok" I rasp.
And I'll accept her apology. I won't fight her on it telling her that my sins wash away hers. She was wrong too. But if anyone should be guild ridden, it should be me.
"I'm sorry about lunch. I just… it became real. You were back. It scared me." She says sitting on her bed again.
"I don't blame you. I don't want anyone thinking that I'm in control. I don't want them to think that you're weak for letting me back in." I say following suit.
"That wasn't really my problem, they just made me realize what was happening." She says drying the rest of her tears.
She is so beautiful. Sitting there with her puffy, glazed eyes, red nose, jeans, and sweatshirt. Raw with emotion and completely vulnerable. She still has so many thriving emotions for me. She may have never even lost any.
"I understand but…" I trail off. I can't do this. Tori please… I'm not who you need me to be yet. I'm still stuck in the darkness. Drowning in it. Don't let me pull you back in. "I don't think you wanna be with me" I finish slowly.
Her eye brows furrow in confusion and she looks a down for a moment.
"Why not?" She asks looking back up.
"You said it yourself. I'm still Jade West. I'm not going to be easy to deal with. I'm cold and I don't listen. I'm every negative thing that you're not. Hell, I hurt people for fun." I almost laugh. "Why can't you see that?" I ask. I know I sound like a broken record, but a reflection doesn't cut it for me.
"It's not that I don't, Jade." She sighs almost getting annoyed again.
"Then what is it? What makes this worth it?" I ask. Just because we look in the same mirror, doesn't mean it's worth being together. One of us is fragile enough, but two people trying to maneuver the same delicate thing, that's almost reckless.
She sighs again and looks at me like she pities me for still not knowing.
"Because I love you far more than anything you could ever do to hurt me." She says.
Now it's my turn to sigh. Not because I'm frustrated or sad, but because I don't wanna burst into tears again.
"And I know that you love me enough to try not to." She finishes.
But I just don't get it.
"Why now? Why right now out of all the times and the things we've been through? What made today any different?" I ask.
"Because today was the first day I saw you. I really saw you and I saw me right next to you. You finally let me be next to you." She says taking my hands. "You didn't even try to fight with Beck, or anyone for that matter. You were still so loyal to me and protected me even when I pushed you away. You were there when I needed you and did whatever you could to make sure I was ok. Even if that meant that you had to leave."
"And I meant it" I interrupt.
"I know and that leads into "why today". You said that you wanted me to be happy, with anyone. You would stay by my side and watch me fall in love with someone else just to make sure that I wouldn't hurt like that again. You weren't just being Jade, you were being Jade and Tori. I was in your plan and I was a part of your life. Our life." She says the last part softly.
She was in my plan? A part of my life?
Where was she Jade? Before all of this where was she? She was something to be had. She was my girlfriend. She was there but… I never let her be a part of anything. I had never included her in my thoughts. I only protected her when it was beneficial to me. I only wanted her to be happy when she was with me. I only wanted her to be with me… not a part of me.
"When you were fighting with Beck, you called me your girlfriend every time you mentioned me." She says breaking me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah… I did. I wasn't thinking about it, I just-"
"I was just there. Naturally, not habitually." She finishes for me.
I ignored her constantly when we were together. When we were out she was to be on my arm and that was it. I never took what she said seriously and I never returned any I love you's in fear for my image.
My image…
"Why didn't you just let me stay in the parking lot today?" I ask. She rushed me to her house so fast. "You want me to be caring and "Your Jade" but you acted like that's not what you wanted." I say confused.
"You just answered your own question. Because you're my Jade. Not anyone else's. They don't get to have that part of you." She says in a protective way. I smile and laugh to myself.
"What?" She asks.
"Look at you being all protective and jealous. You sound like me." I say with a small smile.
"That's because right now I'm "Jade's Tori"." She says with a smirk. Smirk and everything? Definitely "My Tori "alright.
"Good. I like "Jade's Tori", "I say with a small smile. "But if this is gonna work, you have to tell me what you want from me. What am I supposed to do?"
Her eyes fall for a moment in thought before returning to me. "Just love me. Not just when we're alone, all the time. I can only be yours all the time if your mine all the time. If you're angry, talk to me, don't get even. And… please… tell me if I'm being controlling, don't prove a point by running off to a party."
"I think I can do that" I nod slowly."But there are things you're gonna have do too."
"I know. What do you need from me?" She asks.
I take a deep breath before beginning. If this is truly a mirror, then there are things she's gonna have to do to keep us together too. She knows she's not perfect but that's not what I'm asking for, I need her to do or not do certain things just like she does me.
"I'm still a bitch Tori, I honestly don't think that will ever change, and you're gonna have to find a way to deal it. I'm still closed off in a lot of areas but give me time and I'll open up. I'm going to hit anyone who looks at you wrong and I'm gonna be jealous no matter how much I trust you. And if I run off to a party, no matter how angry that makes you, don't forget about how much you love me." I say as she nods.
"Okay-" She starts but I cut her off.
"One more thing" I start, she nods. "You can't out me and all the things I've done or promised. You can't ask me to be "your Jade" and then do that when you're angry with me. That's not how this works. Getting even goes both ways" I finish.
"I know. And I think I can do that" She says. "Jade… I don't know how to apologize more for that. I was awful to you and I was just so angry. I was hurt and-"
I silence her with a short soft kiss to her lips.
"Tori, it's ok. We both really screwed each other over. I don't want to do that anymore and I definitely don't want to hold it over your head anymore. It's like you said, I love you far more than anything you could ever do to hurt me." I finish.
She smiles at me and then leans in for another kiss which I happily return. After a few moments she pulls back and smiles at me.
"I missed you" She says softly before coming back in for a kiss.
"I missed you more" I say after she pulls away.
"I fully expect you to scare the hell out of anyone who might try anything with you after what they saw today." She adds.
"I think I can do that" I laugh.
We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, just holding hands and looking at each other, before I decide to speak up.
"Does it bother you that I called you my girlfriend today?" I ask.
"Nope" She says with a smile.
"Why not?" I ask curious.
She giggles and leans in close to me.
"Because I never stopped calling you mine.
… … ….. …. …. … …. ….
Hello My Lotus Blossoms.
Sorry it's been so long. A lot has happened recently and I'm amazed I came out of it. So here's the next chapter. Finally we get somewhere good yes?
I don't have much to say. I wasn't really pleased with this chapter but I'll let you be the judge of that.
On to some of you amazing people:
First off I want to give a HUGE shout-out and thank you to Cassie Noir for being my 200th Review. Cannot believe this has done so well and I thank each and every one of you for getting it here.
Secondly I want to give a big thank you to Vorago, gave me a push in the right direction and helped me get this chapter out. So thank you for your thoughts.
Joylinda: I recommend you read from beginning to end, yes you will hate Jade, but you get to see how she grows and how the story unfolds.
Chile101: That's flattering to hear. It's always amazing when I can evoke emotions from what I write.
Ginger92: Why thank you, I really struggled to get the last chapter just right.
ReCeJoriLove: Glad to have you on board.
Welcome to any new readers and to my usual ones, again thank you so much for sticking with me through this, I know it hasn't been easy. I'm doing much better now and am still working at it.
Alright loves, two chapters left. Till the next update, Reviews = Love, so spread it around. Thick.
A.Y.P.