"Wow…graphs and charts…and here I thought you were iliterete."

Boba Fett shook his head. "I'm not…"

"Wait…is that another word for retarded?" The Emperor asked.

"no…"

"Oh…and here I thought you were retarded."

&&&

"The Emperor is setting up a trap for Luke Skywalker…the problem is, we need to get bait. The Millennium Falcon is flying towards Bespin, so the Emperor and Boba are going to try and convince Han Solo's best friend to turn him in." Piett rolled his eyes. "I'm sure this will work out perfectly."

&&&

"So, when we get to the Radisson…"

"I canceled." The Emperor said simply.

"What?"

"We are now meeting at Burger King."

"…wh…why?" Boba asked

"They have a playground out front."

&&&

The Emperor smiled. "I love those gerbil tubes."

&&&

"Oh…here's a fax, Piett…"

Piett nodded, taking the paper from Asajj. "Thanks."

"What is it?"

"oh…my application papers to work at Wal-Mart."

&&&

"I am retiring…because I can't stand being in the same place…with the same people…knowing nothing will ever change despite what some people claim. So I am going to retire, play shuffle board, and greet fat people at Wal-Mart." Piett shrugged. "They're evil too, so it should be easy to adjust."

&&&

"…I have to get him to stay." Asajj said simply.

&&&

"Which direction is Bespin?" Boba asked.

"I'll drive."

"That's ok…" Boba said.

"I'll drive."

"Emperor…"

"I'LL DRIVE!" The Emperor screamed.

"…okay."

&&&

Asajj carefully went through the Emperor's desk, hoping to find Piett's letter of resignation and shredded it to pieces. However, in her searching, she happened upon a hidden compartment, and pulled out a thick, thick bundle of papers. Reading them over, she began to laugh, before rushing over to Piett.

"You will never believe what I found."

"The Holy Grail? Atlantis? A dress that doesn't make Rosie O'Donald's ass look fat?"

"All three of those things don't exist." Asajj said simply, throwing the papers down. "I present…an indie screenplay…written by the Emperor."

Piett's eyes widened. "no…way…"

"Yes…" Asajj grinned. "And you know what we must do."

&&&

Boba scoffed in disgust as they entered the Burger King in Cloud City, the bright florescent lights, tiled floor and fake planets setting the bounty hunter on edge. The Emperor seemed happy enough.

"Hello…Lando?" The Emperor asked.

A dark skinned man, dressed in a blue shirt, a weird dark half cape and bell-bottoms he must have found in his parents' basement, walked towards them, smiling happily.

"Were you waiting long?"

Lando shook his head. "Not at all." He turned to the camera, holding up a bottle of liquor. "Just enjoying this fine Smitz Malt Liquor, goes down smooth, and every bottle you buy ensures that I don't sleep in cardboard box tonight."

"…ok." Boba said slowly. He snapped at an employee. "Can we get a table for three?"

The man frowned. "You're joking?"

"No." Boba said simply.

"We have to stand in line…wait to place our order." The Emperor said.

Boba frowned, looking at the very long line. "Why are there so many kids here?"

"Class field trip, coming back from Yavin 4." Lando said. "Where the rivers run clear and pure…just like the pure taste of Smitz Malt Liquor."

Boba sighed, getting in line.

&&&

Piett smiled as he addressed the crew. "Do we all have our copies of Emperor Palpatine's 'Clerks.'?" The crew murmured yes. "I will be reading the action descriptions. Guri, you will be playing Veronica, Kurt…"

"What are you doing?" Darth Vader asked, storming into the conference room. "Did…did you steal something from the Emperor's desk?"

"…maybe." Asajj said with a pout.

"I am reporting you all…"

"Vader…how would you like to play the lead role of Randal Graves?"

Vader paused. "The lead?"

&&&

"I always wanted to be an actor…everyone always said I would be amazing. I remember Master Windu saying, "You are such a queer, you should be on broadway"." Vader paused. "What does queer mean?"

&&&

"Welcome to Burger King, can I take your order?" The cashier asked.

"Yes…" Lando said, "I will have a double cheese burger and a large Smitz Malt Liquor."

"We don't have Smitz Malt Liquor." The cashier said.

"Well, you should, because it is refreshing, wonderful, and if you buy it, Bobby Breakthumbs won't beat me up for being late on my payments to him."

Boba stepped forward. "Small side salad."

The Emperor stepped forward. "I'd like a Whooper…" He grinned. "Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce." He sang.

"Oh God." Boba muttered.

"Special orders don't upset us…" Lando joined in.

"All we ask is that you let us serve it your way!" Both sang in perfect harmony. "have it your way….have it your way…have it your way…"

&&&

"Dante Hicks is standing at the counter, giving a customer some cigarettes. In enters Randal Graves…"

Kurt cleared his throat. "You're late, Randal."

"I thought you weren't suppose to be in today." Darth responded.

"The boss called me in, Trevor got sick."

"Shit, if I had known you were in, I'd have come even later."

&&&

Boba just stared at Lando and the Emperor ate their burgers, the mayo and ketchup dribbling down their faces.

&&&

"Dante and Randal are walking through the aisles." Piett read.

"You know what I never understood?" Kurt said, "The Rebels…why did they blow up the Death Star?"

"Yea, think of all the innocent people they killed." Vader recited. "And the Emperor's office…I bet there were a lot of things he lost…like the first draft to a movie script…"

Kurt raised an eyebrow, Asajj snickering. "I don't know…I guess they could just rebuild…"

"You know how much that would cost?" Vader read. "And you think I have that kind of cash on hand?"

"…I'm not suppose to even be here today!" Kurt whined.

"Dante, you are an idiot, and you smell, and I wish I had never known you, Vsder…" Vader paused. "Wait, who's Vsder?"

&&&

"Here's what I think happened." Asajj said to the cameraman, bouncing up and down with glee. "In the Emperor's movie, Dante, the whiny idiot that is constantly being stepped on and bullied and is ruining his relationship with this girl because he is pinning after his slut of an ex, was originally named 'Vader', but the Emperor changed it to Dante with a search-and-replace command, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving one Vsder. And Vader…just figured it out. Heehee."

&&&

Vader stood up. "Ok…movie's done."

Asajj frowned. "Some of us want to finish reading it…"

Vader shook his head. "Ok, listen up…you want a real show…5 minutes, docking bay, Force-lifted flying ride."

Asajj leaned towards Piett. "Want to watch from the command center?"

"Sure."

"I'll get the popcorn…"

&&&

"I know what it is like, to have to betray someone you admire, that you have a good relationship with." The Emperor said to Lando, the two of them finishing their Hershey Chocolate Ice Cream Pies. Boba merely watched them both, annoyed. "Its painful and it is heart breaking and it is the last place you want to be in."

Lando nodded. "Yeah, it is."

"But…sometimes, we have to betray those we care about for the good of the masses." The Emperor sighed. "I mean, I really liked Dooku, really distinguished and he knew tons of cool facts…he could get us into all of these great parties. But, if I wanted to destroy the Jedi and create my Empire…for the good of the galaxy, of course…I had to betray people I had come to know and like. Let me be straight with you…if we don't get your help, we will blow your city up. Millions dead…or we use Han and the Princess as bait."

Lando sighed. "Yea…its just…"

Boba began to say something, but the Emperor held out a hand. "We'll buy 1 million cases of Smitz Malt Liquor."

Lando looked up, dollar signs in his eyes. "Want me to stab Han as soon as he arrived, or just deliever the princess to your room for the raping?"

&&&

"Quite a show, huh?" Piett said, watching as Vader struggled to hold Bob up, the fat Emperor's Hand laughing with glee…at least, until he was dropped like a stone. Vader howled, legs kicking hard as he tried to free himself from Bob's blubber.

"Thank God for his ventilator, huh?" Asajj laughed.

"MMMAH!" Vader roared.

Piett and Asajj clinked coke cans.

&&&

"I can't believe you got him to go along with it!" Boba said excitedly, bouncing up and down.

"I use to pull that one all the time. Bought 1000 Concept Bumblebee Figures from Nute Gunray to convince him to work for me."

"That's how you…" Boba said, strangely mad, before shaking his head and turning back to the Emperor, happy once more. "The way you tricked him…" Boba looked the Emperor down.

"What…what are you looking at?" The Emperor stammered, slowly backing away.

"It gets me so hot to watch someone con someone…" Boba said, voice full of lust.

The Emperor eyes darted back and forth. "Uh…that's nice?"

Boba tilted his head to the side. "The robe…lose it."

"I'm…fine…thanks."

"That wasn't a question." Boba said, tackling the Emperor and grabbing his legs.

"NO!" The Emperor screamed in a panic, scratching at the tiles. "NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Boba began to drag him into a darkened room. "RAPE! RAPE! RAPE! RA…what the? Holy…Holy…look at….ooooh, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you! Oooooh, sw-"

&&&

The camera slowly looked around the darkened office before the operator flicked on a light. There, laying on the couch, was Vader, a stuffed pink gungan squeezed to his chest.

"mmm…Jar Jar, everyone hates you but meesa" Vader mumbled. Slowly awakening, he pulled himself up and stumbled over to the window outlooking the docking bay, surprised to find Boba returning to the Executor in a cab.

&&&

The Emperor sat in his office, slowly eating a Popsicle, his eyes wide and troubled, bottom lip trembling.

"I don't want to talk about it." He said brokenly. He took another lick of his treat. "S…he did things to my fanny!" He dropped his head to his desk and sobbed.

&&&

"That was some night, huh?" Asajj said, handing Piett his mail.

"That it was." Piett said, opening one letter. "hey, Wal-Mart accept my application!"

"…you're…you're still retiring?" Asajj asked, surprised.

"Uh, yea." He said, raising an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Asajj ground her the toe of her shoe into the floor. "Well, last night we had so much fun…"

"One night of fun doesn't change anything, Asajj." Piett said simply, callously. "One night where I am not annoyed by Vader and you don't end up with another man doesn't mean it won't next time. I'm not setting myself up for something like that…got my hopes up too many times."

"Piett…it'll be different…"

"Yea, because there isn't another super strong and dumb as a post bounty hunter just waiting to sweep you away from me…better to just leave before you decide to look his way."

"But…"

"You know…I really need to get to get these reports done…" Piett said coldly, turning away from a heart-broken Asajj.

The secretary slowly walked into the Emperor's office. "You're mail…" She managed to get out before breaking down in sobs.

The Emperor slowly stood up, walking towards her and wrapping his arms around her, hugging her close and rubbing her back. "Who did things to your fanny?"