.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
Big thank you hugs to Snarkymuch for beta'ing and Gredelina1, Verseseven, Augustmoon and Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen for pre-reading. Love you ladies.
This chapter is dedicated to bluefire-33, WhitlocksHevyn, DutchGirl01, Gwilwillith, ssbksmm, and pandamonium69. The song for the last chapter was Still Waiting by Sum 41
Chapter Thirteen — There But for You Go I
Bella POV
I couldn't stand it a moment longer.
They were all staring at me, pinning me with their eyes; I felt like I was being suffocated. I had to get away.
I ran through the park towards Tanya's house, inhaling deep lungfuls of clean air and trying to control my rising panic.
When I arrived, Tanya was waiting at the door for me.
"Hey, Bella," she greeted. "I didn't know you were back yet. How was the honeymoon?"
"Just got home, it was great. Is Eleazar here?" I asked hurriedly.
"Yeah, he's in the study. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said distractedly, racing up the stairs. Eleazar was just coming out into the hall when I reached the upper landing.
"What has happened?" he asked.
"Can we talk? In private?" My voice was close to pleading.
He nodded. "Shall we go for a walk?"
"Yeah, great."
I ran down the stairs, waving hello to a confused looking Kate, and back outside. The open air made me feel a little less claustrophobic.
I heard Eleazar and Tanya talking in low voices. She was asking what had happened. I left them to their conversation and began running again. Eleazar would be able to follow my scent easily enough.
I ran until I reached Chelatna Lake, then I came to a stop and sank down onto a log. Resting my head in my hands, I took deep calming breaths. I heard Eleazar approaching and tried to marshal my expression into something a little less manic. I was having trouble hiding my emotions now that I was away from the family.
"I think there is something wrong with my shield," I blurted.
His brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand. Is it not working?"
"It's working, but I think it's working too well, or malfunctioning, or… dammit, I don't know!" I gripped my hair at the roots.
He pulled my hands down to my side. "If you pull it out, it won't grow back."
A startled laugh burst from me and he smiled.
"Calm down and tell me exactly what's wrong."
"How much do you about my last months as a human?" I asked.
"I know you were injured by a werewolf and were in a coma for a long time. That you found a way to communicate with Jasper through your emotions. Carlisle and I have discussed this recently. It is our belief that it was your shield that enabled you to send and block emotions with such precision."
I snorted. "Yeah, that was real helpful."
"I don't understand."
"When I would speak to Jasper, it wore me out. I had to rest, and to do that I had to go into what he called the void. It was darkness, no sight, no sound, a complete lack of sensory input; it felt like I ceased to exist. It would pull me in. I could hold it back sometimes. It grew easier with practice, but I still couldn't stop it all the time."
"That sounds unpleasant," he said sympathetically. "But I don't understand what that has to do with your shield."
"I think it was the shield," I said emphatically. "All of it, the coma, the void. I think it was my body's way of protecting me from the pain. I think it locked down until I was able to deal with it."
"That is an interesting theory, and quite likely correct. I don't understand why you are so upset now, though. You were human then, and, forgive me for saying it, weak. You are strong now, quite probably the strongest of us all. Your shield is developing so fast, you… Bella?"
I lost the tenuous grip I had on my emotions and began to sob. He wrapped a tentative arm around my shoulders and murmured soothing words.
"I felt it," I choked. "I felt the void. We were on the plane, and I was trying to work out what could have happened for them to call us back; and I got scared. I felt it. It was only for a few seconds, but it took so much to hold it away."
"You think it was the shield trying to protect you again?" he asked. I had expected to hear skepticism in his tone, but there was just concern.
"Protecting me, or malfunctioning. I don't know."
"It cannot malfunction," he said. "It is not a machine that can break and need repair. It is a part of you, an extension of self. Do you know how gifts develop in vampires?"
"I know Carlisle believes it is something to do with our human life; we bring our strongest trait into the change and it is enhanced."
"That is sometimes how it works, other times it is a particularly violent change. Rosalie's gift for example. I don't understand why I have never seen it before, but I believe the way her human life ended translated into a desire to never be powerless again."
"But I was still human when my shield developed," I said, confused.
"Which means you are something different. Your gift was part of you as a human, much more developed than any I have heard of before. If you are correct, and your coma was in fact your body's way of protecting you from things you weren't ready to face, it stands to reason that the protective instinct would have been enhanced by the change, too."
"What the hell use is that?" I demanded. "How can it be protecting me if it turns me into a vegetable? How can I protect them?"
His eyes widened. "Oh, I see. It was not fear for yourself, it was fear for your family's safety. That makes sense; your shield would of course try to protect you from that pain."
"I ask again, what is the use in that? If I can't protect them, I will be scared; and if I get scared, it makes me useless."
It was a vicious circle, however I looked at it, I was going to fail them somehow. What was the good in being so damn gifted if it left the people I loved vulnerable?
"I do not believe it will have the power to freeze you as completely as it did as a human. It may still serve a purpose. You said it was only for a few seconds, perhaps that was all you needed to marshal control and adapt to the situation."
"You don't think it can make me a vegetable again?" I asked hopefully.
"I am certain of it. You are a vampire. It is impossible for you to lose consciousness. Our kind typically responds to overwhelming stress with stillness; your shield just enhances that reaction. I should like to experiment with it. If we can recreate the situation of fear, we can see what exactly happens."
His eyes were alight with curiosity. He looked a lot like Carlisle had when questioning me about my control the day I returned. I couldn't help but smile.
"We can experiment when I get back," I assured him. "They can't know about this until then. They'd never let me go if they knew."
"Get back?" he asked, then sighed heavily. "You're going to Volterra."
"I am. It's the only way we can avoid them coming here, and if they come here…"
"They will see it all," he finished for me. "You are hoping to keep the other's gifts from Aro's attention."
"That's the plan. Should we be scared? Is this Aro going to want us?"
"He will likely want you, but I don't believe he would force you to stay. I was allowed to leave, and my gift was very useful to them. You are wise to minimize the knowledge he can obtain, though, especially that of your wolf friends. Some of the guard are abroad at the moment, hunting werewolves."
"The pack!" I gasped, jumping to my feet. "Are they okay? Has anyone warned them?"
"They are not in immediate danger," he said calmly. "The guard that visited was an old friend, though I use the term loosely. He said the wolves they are tracking at the moment are in Russia and are genuine Children of the Moon."
"Children of the what?"
"Children of the Moon. Your friends in Washington are not true werewolves. They are shape-shifters. Children of the Moon are the wolves of legend. Their transformation is connected to the phases of the moon, and they can only breed by infecting another human with their bite. The Volturi hunted them to almost extinction, but apparently there has been a revival in the population."
"But you think Aro would be curious about the pack?"
"Curious yes, but that is all. The fact they are rational when in their wolf form should alleviate his concerns for the threat they pose. It would be better to keep his knowledge to a minimum, though."
I rolled my eyes. That was obvious. I was hardly going to stroll up to the evil vampire overlords shouting, 'Hey, my friends are werewolves, let me introduce you.'
Now the immediate fear of my screwed up shield had abated, I was able to focus on what I had to do next. I was going to Volterra. If need be, I would pin the family to a wall again while I left. It worked well last time.
I was fairly sure Edward understood why it had to be me that went. He didn't like it, but he wouldn't try to stop me either. Carlisle was the same. Esme was going to be the biggest hurdle. She was overprotective to the extreme, which I understood, but she had to be made to see this was the safest option.
"You cannot tell them about the void," I said fervently. "If they know, if Edward knows, he will come after me, and then we will all be in trouble."
"I won't tell them, but your husband is a mind reader. I am not as practiced at keeping him from my thoughts as the others."
"Bedroom antics are effective," I said. "Failing that, avoid him. Go on a hunting trip, hide in a lake. I don't care how you do it, just make sure he doesn't know."
He nodded. "I will do all I can."
That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but it would have to suffice. I had more to discuss before I went back, and the longer I was gone, the more they would worry.
"Tell me about the Volturi," I said. "I need to know everything I can if I am going to do this."
xXx
Two hours later, I left Eleazar at his house and continued on my way home.
As I walked, I mulled over all he had told me about his former coven. Their strengths and gifts, and the power structure. Who to watch out for – some unholy witch called Jane – and who I could rely on to be at least civil – someone called Demetri. The most important thing, he said, was to be gracious when speaking with the three ancients, and to never, under any circumstances, reveal my true nature within the city walls. According to him, they were not tolerant of exposure in any situation, but within their city, it would earn me a swift punishment.
I ambled along at a leisurely pace, in no rush to get back to the noise and drama of the house, until I caught Edward's scent. Suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. I wanted to hide my face against his chest and ignore everything else.
I raced towards him, not slowing when I saw him waiting for me; I threw myself into his arms and clung to him.
"It's okay, love," he soothed, running his hands through my hair. "We're okay."
"I'm sorry I left you to deal with all that," I said. "But I had to get away; it was too much."
"You have nothing to apologize for. After you left, we had a rather frank discussion, and I think things may be easier for us both now."
I pulled back to look at him. "What do you mean by 'frank discussion'?"
"I merely pointed out that you were capable of making your own decisions, and did not need them dictating to you."
My heart clenched. I could imagine the direction that conversation had taken, and the emotional reactions it would have caused. I couldn't be angry, though. He had done what I had been preparing myself to do. It would make things easier for me to go to Volterra now, and was an infinitely better way to deal with it than my plan to pin them all to the wall again.
"Are you okay now, love?" he asked. "You seem better than you were before. Do you want to talk about what had you so upset?"
I bit my lip. I couldn't tell him about the feeling of the void creeping in, but nor did I want to lie to him. If he forced the issue, I would have to have some explanation; and I didn't think he was going to accept it was just concern, following Alice's phone call that made me act so strangely. A part of me was grateful that it was Edward there when it had happened, and not Jasper; he might have recognized the emotional signature of it.
"I am better, but I don't want to talk about it yet, okay?"
He gave me a searching look, and then nodded. "Can you tell me if it is something I need to be worried about, though?"
"You don't need to worry," I assured him. It wasn't a lie, according to Eleazar there was no real concern. "Once we have this thing with Aro dealt with, we can sit down and talk about it together."
"Are you decided, then?" he asked.
There was no surprise in his face when I answered, which told me he already knew.
"I am. Unless someone has a better alternative, I am planning to head out on the next flight. Better to get it over and done with. Eleazar has told me all he could about them, so I don't think I can be much better prepared than I already am."
"I hate that this is happening," he said miserably. "I hate that you are going there alone."
"I know, so do I," I said, smoothing his furrowed brow. "But the sooner I leave, the sooner I'll be home."
He sighed heavily, then took my hand and we walked back to the house together.
"How bad is it?" I whispered when we were almost home.
"Not too bad. Esme is upset, but Carlisle is helping her. Jasper is worried, but he'll be okay once he has spoken to you."
It was much better than I was expecting. I had tried to prepare myself for another onslaught of shouting and anxiety; it was a huge relief to find I was wrong.
Their faces were taut with expectation when we got inside. I could see the questions they all wanted to ask in their eyes, but I got my own in first.
"Has anyone called the pack?" I asked.
Blank confusion was their only response, even Edward looked baffled.
"Werewolves," I said impatiently. "Eleazar said the guard is out tracking Children of the Moon; shouldn't we warn the pack to take extra care?"
"Oh, I didn't think of that," Carlisle said ruefully.
Well that was obvious.
"Would you like to call them?" Edward asked. "You could speak to Emily, too."
"Nice try, Mr. Cullen," I said lightly. "You can deal with the pissy werewolf; I need to get a bag together."
Alice jumped to her feet. "Would you like some help?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but Esme cut across me. "Are you really going to do this?"
Jasper gave her an admonishing look.
I wondered what exactly Edward had said to them. They looked at me like they expected me to bolt for the door. I had hoped we'd got past this.
"I am," I said simply. "Could someone check flights for me?"
Emmett nodded. "Sure. Any preferences?"
"The first available flight, with the least connections please," I said, then followed Alice up the stairs.
I didn't have many clothes here, and most of what I had was sitting in my rucksack in desperate need of washing. Alice must have been busy while I was away, though. She led me into the room Edward and I shared and began pulling outfits from the bulging closet.
"How long should I pack for?" she asked tentatively.
"Make it a week," I said. "I'm hoping it will be less, but it's better to take more."
She nodded stiffly and began piling jeans and sweaters for me. I saw the strain in her eyes and the tight set of her jaw; she was really upset.
"Oh, Alice," I sighed.
I took the bag from her unresisting hands and wrapped my arms around her. She clung to me harder than ever, and I realized this was probably the closest we had been since the day I returned. Everything that happened in the days before Edward and I left had eclipsed it. I had so been distracted with trying to make amends with Rosalie, after her emotional reaction that Alice had been overlooked.
"I'll be back before you know it, and then we can have some fun," I said gently. "I'm sure there is still room in this closet for a few more outfits. We can go into Anchorage and do some shopping."
"You hate shopping," she said, her voice muffled by my sweater.
"But I love you," I said, and then lowered my voice. "Just the two of us, okay?"
She smiled, though it looked a little forced. "Okay."
We continued to fill my bag with far more than I really needed. I had the feeling she was trying to draw out our time alone, so I didn't comment.
"There's a flight to Vancouver at eleven," Emmett said when I was back in the lounge. "You can get a connection from there to Florence."
"Sounds good, book that one for me, please."
"And the return flight?" he asked hopefully.
"I'll sort that one out myself."
I sat on the couch beside Edward and leaned into his embrace. I was being watched by them all, but they were making every effort to hide it.
"Did you speak to Eleazar," Carlisle asked, breaking the awkward silence.
"I did. He told me about them and explained how to get into the castle. Is there anything else you can think of?"
I was sure Eleazar had told me as much, if not more, than Carlisle could, but I sensed the need for a distraction.
I listened attentively as he reinforced Eleazar's advice and information. Edward sat silently running his fingers through my hair.
Jasper seemed to be battling with himself over something, eventually his discomfort became too obvious to ignore.
'What's wrong?' I asked.
'I'm worried about you.'
'I'll be fine. I can protect myself.' I assured him.
'That's not why I am worried. What happened to you? Why were you so upset when you got home? It was familiar.'
I controlled my features, not wanting him to see how close he was to the truth. He couldn't know what I had felt; I had kept myself shielded the whole time I was here. Something must have tipped him off, though.
'Bella.'
'When I get home., I said. 'Let me get through this first.'
He gave me the same searching look as Edward had, then nodded almost imperceptively.
'When you get home.'
Much sooner than I would have liked, it was time for me to leave. I hugged each of the family, almost being crushed by Esme's embrace, and being lifted bodily by Emmett.
I wanted to drive myself to the airport, so I could keep my goodbyes private. Edward saw me out to the car and held me to him for a very long time.
"Please be careful," he implored. "And hurry back."
"I promise," I said. "Try not to worry too much. I will let keep myself open to Alice's visions as much as I can, and I will call as soon as I land."
I forced all thoughts of the void away and opened my mind to him.
I love you so much. I will be home soon, and then we can start our forever.
His breath hitched, and I was sure he was fighting for control of the sobs building in his chest. I was doing the same thing.
I kissed him once more, then climbed into the car and pulled out of the garage.
I looked through the rearview mirror as I drove out of sight and saw Esme embracing him and Carlisle's hand on his shoulder as he sobbed.
My poor Edward.
xXx
I had feigned sleep on the plane to avoid overly helpful stewards, but had no such defense through the arrivals process and car hire.
I called Edward when I got out of the airport.
Neither of us could say what we really wanted; that we missed each other. That we were scared, That we were counting the seconds until we were together again. We restricted ourselves to the mundane, safe topics. I complained about the inquisitive humans. In turn he shared his annoyance at Emmett's attempts to distract him from his own anxiety by initiating wrestling matches – one of which crushed the armchair he had been sitting on at the time of Emmett's attack. He said he had been following my journey through Alice's visions, and implored me to keep myself open to her as much as possible.
I spoke to Jasper briefly, assuring him that I was fine, then repeated the same conversation with Carlisle. Alice also begged me to keep myself open to her visions as long as I could. She said it was helping Edward to be able to see me. I said I would as long as I could, but once the closer I got to my destination the harder it became.
The sun was too bright for me to be out in the open. When I reached the city, so I pulled to a stop in a side road and waited.
I passed the time thinking of Edward and our plans for the future. I would like to go to college with him. It had always been my plan when I was human, and now, I had infinite time to study all the subjects I wanted.
I wondered if the whole family would come too, or if we would live alone for a while. He said Rosalie and Emmett sometimes lived as a married couple. I would like to have a little house that was just ours. I let my eyes slip closed and smiled to myself as I imagined the life we would have.
The sun eventually sank low enough for me to move about safely. I got out of the car and smoothed the creases in my plain, black pants and sweater outfit. The air was cool enough now for the humans milling about to be wearing thin jackets, so I shrugged on my own.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and dialed Edward's number.
"Bella." His answer was a breathy sigh. "How are you?"
"I'm okay. I am going to be blocking Alice now, so don't panic when I disappear."
"Do you have to?" he moaned.
"I feel more comfortable if I am completely shielded," I said. "I don't know how their gifts would affect me if they tried."
And though I would never say it to him, I was scared that Jane's power would find a way around my shield.
"I understand," he said somberly. "Call as soon as you can, but don't drop your shield unless you are certain it is safe."
"I love you," I said, my voice a little unsteady.
"As do I. So very much."
I smiled ruefully as I pulled the physical barrier around myself, moulding it to my form like a second skin, effectively rendering Alice blind. Taking comfort in its presence, I left the alley and began walking in the direction of what Eleazar had called their lair.
He had said I should be able to find the scent of another vampire to follow to their underground entrance, but there were so many, branching off in all directions, that it was confusing. I found the freshest and followed it. I tried to look as if I was absorbed in viewing the picturesque houses; when in fact, I was searching for a sign of another of my kind.
I heard footsteps joining my own, so light they could only be those of another vampire. I looked around under the pretense of checking a street sign, but there was no one there. The only other people in the street were a couple waking arm in arm in the opposite direction. The flush of their cheeks and thudding hearts proving they were human.
"Just a little further," a voice said softly behind me. "This will do."
I ducked into the alley, still followed by the invisible footsteps. They came to a halt, and I saw a hazy form in front of me. I focused on the outline, and then started as a tall man materialized.
"You are very strong minded," he said cryptically. "There are few that can see through the illusion when I am determined."
"Yeah, thanks, I'm–"
"You are Isabella Cullen," he said serenely. "And I am here to take you to my masters."
I marshaled my panic and forced a winning smile.
"Lead the way."
Thanks to all that read and reviewed. If you would like a teaser from the next chapter let me know in a review or PM.
Once again thanks to Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen for the lyrics. Guess the song and artist and I will dedicate the next chapter to you.
~ Talking to myself all the way to the station pictures in my head of the final destination all lined up. All the one's that aren't allowed to stay. Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away. ~