Unstable

***Thanks for the great reviews! I'm finding this story increasingly difficult to write because I'm not sure what direction I want to go with it, but I will continue to attempt to keep updates fairly regular. Elena's really starting to piss me off because she just can't make up her mind about Damon so I think I'm just going to have her make a clear decision pretty soon about whether she loves him or not and whether she's still in love with Stefan. Her morals keep getting in the way and it's tiresome! Nevertheless, read and (hopefully) enjoy! And review, of course :)***

After the initial shock of finding out I was alive wore off, I immediately confronted Damon with a barrage of questions regarding what had happened, for I couldn't remember a thing. During my dark period I had recalled with perfect clarity the events that had led to my current position, but waking had thrust giant black holes where those memories had previously haunted me. Therefore, I needed all the facts I could get.

"Where am I?" I asked, confused by all the glaring lights and sterile whiteness of my surroundings. It was rather disorienting considering I had just emerged from complete and utter blackness. Damon was still placing quick kisses on my body, keeping his head hidden all the while, when I really wanted to just study his beautiful eyes some more. I wanted to verify that they were indeed filled with love, or at least the kind of pure love that had tainted them the other day as well as directly after my awakening. I was fairly positive, but I wanted to see it again to be sure.

Instead he refused to look at me, leaving only his black hair to my vision, which was fine because it was as artfully tousled as always, perhaps more wild today due to his anxiety, but I had suffered through hell! I deserved to see that face of his!

I grabbed a tuft of the thick black mess in my hand and pulled upward, making him look at me, unfortunately forcing his lips to break contact with my skin, the only downside of such a movement. And that's when I realized why he had been avoiding my gaze, what the wetness on my body that I had presumed to be saliva actually was. He was crying. And it was more than just a few teardrops this time.

To be honest, I had only seen Damon cry maybe twice in all the time I had known him, and even then he had tried to hide it from me as if he couldn't bear to show weakness, though I didn't find crying to be a weakness, merely a display of emotion, which I assume he didn't want to show either. So I didn't understand as he ripped his head out of my grip and looked away, closing his eyes and biting his lips in the most adorable way. It made him look like a little boy, or maybe a puppy dog, which of the two I wasn't sure. Whatever the case, despite being the victim, the one in need of comfort, I started to stroke his cheek, comforting him instead.

After a few long sighs he opened his eyes and turned back to me, the tears gone, though the evidence was still trickling down his cheeks and hanging off his jaw precariously. There was a hardness to the red-rimmed eyes that I hadn't expected and whatever bits of love I had so recently witnessed were gone now as he stared at me. Now don't get me wrong, his face wasn't angry or cold, it just wasn't the heartbreaking adoration that I had expected to remain. He still smiled back at me and informed me that I was in the hospital. Duh.

He still placed a chaste kiss on my lips and told me how worried he had been, how I had been in a coma for three days due to head trauma. Apparently there had been bleeding in my brain, but he was relieved that I seemed to be generally unharmed aside from external injuries. I wondered if he should call a nurse or someone seeing as I had just woken from a coma, but decided I wanted to be in here with just Damon anyway, so there was no need to push the issue unless I started to lose consciousness again or experience a seizure or something. And then it hit me.

"Bonnie!" I cried, clutching at his shoulders and shaking him, begging him to say anything except that she had passed away, was no longer with us, or some other euphemism for the fact that my best friend was dead.

"Alive and well. She's been conscious this entire time and was discharged yesterday. She just left, actually." He said calmly, a hint of a smile playing around his lips as I heaved a giant sigh of relief. Thank god. But then even more confusion set in.

"Bonnie's okay with you being here?" I asked incredulously. There was no way she had let Damon sit in my room with me! It was impossible. I mean, the last time I had talked to her I had been afraid she would kill him!

"Well, she kind of owes me." He said, the smirk turning into a full-fledged smile as I shot him a questioning look. What did she owe him for? He had hurt me. She hated him. What was I missing in all this? "I did save both of your sorry asses, you know." Damon taunted lightly, laughing a little at my shocked expression.

"You saved us?"

"Well, she might've lived had I not shown up but," his face visibly darkened after saying this and he let out a large rush of breath before proceeding, as if trying to shake a particularly gruesome image from his mind. "You might not have made it. I arrived after sensing something was wrong, your bracelet sending quite the jolt through me, and I saw the scene. It was awful and the paramedics weren't there yet. Your heart stopped beating, Elena, so I started shoving blood down your throat. Eventually it started up again and that's when the ambulance arrived, forcing me to retreat a little to pull Bonnie from the car. She was just unconscious but the car had been on fire, so I saved her from that I suppose. Nevertheless, I proved it's not just my brother who has a knack for saving you from automobile accidents."

"Damon I… I guess I don't know what to say. Thank you." I said, truly unsure of how to repay him. Or maybe this was him repaying me. You could never be too sure with Damon…

"All I get is a pathetic "thank you"? I think I deserve something a little more… enjoyable." He smirked playfully, pulling me into a gentle yet passionate kiss, worrying my lower lip with his blunt human teeth first, before replacing the teeth with his tongue, running it along the outer edge lightly, and I could feel the smile against my mouth. It was strangely comforting, this kiss, and so I parted my lips for him, allowing a barely audible moan to escape as he finally engulfed my entire mouth with his lips, moving them against me dominantly while I tried to match his quickened pace, both of us moving together messily, mouths closing around lips and nipping, tugging, licking, whatever felt right.

It was nice to not have to worry about him getting angry or hurting me considering I was already in the hospital and had just returned from the dead, so I doubted he would try anything of the violent nature right now. I could merely sit and enjoy the melding of our mouths as he crawled over to straddle me, knees on either side of my hips, hands up by my head as he deepened our embrace, making sure not to put too much weight on me.

When my lips were sufficiently red and swollen and I was all but gasping for breath he gave my mouth a break and moved to my neck, biting and sucking on a particularly soft spot behind my ear, causing a little groan and flutter in my stomach. I clutched at his back, holding on for dear life. I was still woozy and was starting to feel some real pain, but the kisses were a happy distraction as I pushed the discomfort out of my mind. Why did my pleasure with Damon always have to be accompanied by pain, even when he was trying really hard to be sweet?

He then moved to my ear, licking all the way up it before letting his hot breath ghost over the trail he had left.

"Don't ever worry me like that again Elena." He whispered, or maybe moaned, I'm not sure. It was really too bad we were in a hospital and I was significantly injured because now would have been a good time for sex, when he was being gentle and nice. Life wasn't fair.

"Thanks." I whispered, a slight groan of pain slipping through my lips. I wished it didn't because I wanted this moment to go on forever and I knew if Damon thought I was hurting that he would call for someone.

Right on cue he pulled off of me, sliding his body away and brushing the hair out of my face with concern. "Are you okay?" He questioned. "I'll go get a nurse or someone."

"Wait! Don't leave me Damon, I-I need you." I reached out to hold onto his arm, looking at him with pleading eyes. "Can't you just give me some blood and heal me?"

"You know I can't do that. How will I explain that to the doctors, how all of your bruises and lacerations just disappeared in a span of thirty minutes? I won't be gone long, I promise." He assured me, giving my forehead a lingering kiss before leaving the room.

He was gone for longer than I expected and I sighed, glancing at the clock. Where was he? I wanted my Damon back, especially when he was in such a good mood. It was rare that I wasn't afraid of him snapping and lashing out at me, so I cherished these moments, hoping he stayed like this for as long as possible before morphing back into the possessive controlling Damon I so loved to hate. That Damon was confusing. At least this one I could say I loved with no hesitation or reluctance.

I absentmindedly moved to fiddle with the bracelet on my wrist, the one that had supposedly saved my life, when all I felt was bare skin. Looking down in a panic I realized it was gone. It must have been destroyed in the crash. For some reason this made me sad. I mean, that had been Damon's blood, meaning a part of him was with me at all times, even when he had been avoiding me. It also prepared me for any surprise visits.

But nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

….

To make the longest seconds of my life short, Stefan walked in. Fucking Stefan. So many emotions flitted through my mind at that moment that I don't even have the patience to relay them all here, so suffice it to say I didn't know what to feel. Overwhelmed, I guess, is the best way to describe it. Whatever my face was betraying it seemed that it was not what Stefan had hoped to see, but he didn't really care, coming straight to my side and pulling me into a tender hug, sobbing quietly into my hair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Damon, face decidedly more pale than when I last saw him and eyes emotionless, blank. There was no sadness, no anger, no happiness, jealousy, nothing. This was worse than his wrath because it made me feel guilty as if I was in the wrong here, as if I had hurt him in some deep way that made him turn completely numb, as if he hadn't been the aggressor, the one hurting me. And this made me feel bad too so I buried my face further in Stefan's forest of brown hair and cried some more.

I didn't really think about how Damon would take this crying into Stefan's shoulder, knowing myself that it was him I was crying for. I was distressed. My boyfriend had returned to interrupt this special night with my violent and abusive lover. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. Damon was supposed to say he loved me and really mean it, not in some creepy psycho way but in a sweet and romantic way. I would blush and give him a quick kiss before saying I loved him too. Then we would engage in more passionate making out and touching. No sex due to our location, but he would sleep on the bed next to me and I would cuddle into his side, draping myself over him as he held me and kissed my head, saying everything was going to be alright. But no. Stefan ruined it.

On the other hand, I hadn't seen Stefan in weeks and I really had missed him immensely. I loved and cared about him a lot and was glad to see him home safe and sound, curled up in my arms. It felt good to hold him, to have him holding me, yet I still yearned for that other, slightly stronger pair that belonged to a certain ebony-haired man who was watching this display of affection with casual indifference. I knew he cared and that his brother's return upset him, being that he'd have to hand over his favorite little toy, but Stefan was security and safety. That's what I needed right now. I needed Stefan, and Damon seemed to know this. And it hurt. Especially considering I had just asked him to stay with me because I needed him so much.

I heard a throat being cleared and Stefan stood up, backing away to let a nurse administer some more pain medication and check to make sure everything was okay. She said I appeared to be fine for now and that tomorrow I would have a more official meeting with my doctor. I would probably need to spend a few more days in here, but then I would get to go home.

Where was my home now? I guess I'd go back to living at my house without Bonnie, seeing as Stefan was back, so Damon wouldn't dare try anything now. I pushed the part of me that was saddened by this away and watched as the nurse left, leaving me alone with Stefan, who was gazing at me with such love and adoration clouding his eyes that I couldn't help but melt inside. He would do anything for me, I realized, something I didn't know if I could say for Damon yet.

"Thank you Damon. For everything." I heard Stefan say with real gratitude, oblivious to what had occurred in his absence. Damon looked him straight in the eye and nodded before stalking out of the room, not even giving me a second glance. It was as if I didn't exist. He seemed angry, but what did he expect? That I would confess everything to Stefan and say that I chose Damon over him? He couldn't have truly thought that…

Stefan turned back to me and collapsed into bed. He petted my arms, cuddling closer, but not in an intrusive fashion, more in a sweet way, just wanting to be close to me. The atmosphere was so different than it was when I was with Damon, though I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

It was definitely more relaxed, a certain intensity missing, and the lust was not nearly as strong. With Damon the air crackled like electricity was flowing through it and I felt attracted to his body as if by a magnet. Stefan was like a boulder that I could lean on and he would always be there, comfortable and unchanging, stable.

I did feel slightly uncomfortable now though, with the knowledge that I had slept with his brother secretly, that he had no idea of all this. Part of me wanted to tell him and get it off my chest, but he'd just look at me like I was disgusting or get angry. Even worse, he might console me and just get mad at Damon. I didn't want to lose my boulder just yet, so I merely leaned over and placed a light kiss on his cheek before descending into a much needed sleep.

….

I didn't see Damon for the few days they kept me in the hospital, running all sorts of tests and making sure everything was perfect before sending me home. Stefan was there through all of it, however, and we were hardly ever separated.

Bonnie came to visit multiple times, apologizing profusely for her reckless driving, although the wreck wasn't even her fault. The other vehicle had ran a red light. Granted, we shouldn't have been dancing around to music, but it was still not technically our fault. She asked me all sorts of questions about what it was like to be in a coma, and wondered if that was what it was like to be on the "other side". She wanted to know if I'd seen or heard anyone and I shook my head, knowing she was hoping I'd say something about her Grams. I didn't voice this aloud, but I couldn't help but think that if I was to hear anyone, it wouldn't have been her. Not that I didn't love Bonnie's grandmother, it was just that we had never been really close friends or anything.

She told me that she was on okay terms with Damon now, that in saving us he had removed himself from her hit list, though he would never be forgiven. When I started to defend him she silenced me, saying she was glad Stefan was back but didn't want to know the details of our twisted relationship as long as it was over, which I assured her it was. The witch truly believed Stefan was the only one for me. Hell, maybe I even believed it a little too. Delusions, of course, but I didn't know that at the time, hoping to put the past behind me and rekindle a fragile friendship with the impulsive vampire while forging a new and closer bond with his younger brother. I thought everything could return to normal.

But Damon had changed me in irreparable ways, made me feel things I could never forget. I was broken and confused now without him, despite my ignorance of it. I was naïve in thinking that he hadn't permanently fucked up my head, in thinking that I was safe and everything was as it should be now. Because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get those blue eyes out of my mind. I could forget other things, but the eyes never left.

….

Weeks, days, it didn't matter how long it had been since I left the hospital. Everything had a gray tinge to it and I wasn't getting any sleep, so I didn't realize as my head fell into my plate of syrup, effectively covering me with the sticky substance. Eww.

Stefan had made me pancakes, which I must say had nothing on Damon's, and it was making me grumpy because my plan wasn't working. After avoiding me for a while, I guess Damon decided that was no fun and was now making a point to make me uncomfortable, sending me flirty little glances and brushing against me purposely, smirking when I stiffened in obvious pleasure, a shudder running through me. He kept making innuendos and references about our time together, jokingly of course, but all while Stefan was in the room, causing me to look over and make sure he didn't think anything of it. He didn't. But that didn't do anything to ease my mind.

All of this taunting and teasing was getting to me because I fucking wanted him! And Stefan wasn't doing anything to satisfy my libido except for innocent kisses and touches, nothing remotely sexual at all. It was infuriating. But it was slightly easier this way, telling myself I only wanted Damon for the sex and nothing else, that I certainly wasn't in love with the guy or anything. How ludicrous. But believable, so I went with it.

I obviously wasn't planning on cheating on Stefan while he was here, though, so I kept my urges to myself, doing my best to ignore Damon, despite that being next to impossible because I rarely if ever stopped thinking about him. Just for sex. I had to remind myself often.

Nevertheless, the old spark I felt with Stefan was gone. Boulders were boring and I was bored, which wasn't doing anything for my mood. It was increasingly hard to pretend his kisses meant anything to me and it was difficult to act excited upon seeing him. He was more like a friend than a boyfriend at this point, and that also infuriated me. Why couldn't he be more like Damon?

Wait. A. Second.

Did I just say –? No. Stefan be more like Damon? How many times had I said the opposite, told Damon he should be more like Stefan? Too many to count, I think. Why, oh why, did he have to fuck me up so bad? Jesus I needed him.

"Oh god Elena! Your hair!" Stefan gasped, walking over to tenderly lift my head out of my plate. But I wanted it there! I was not a child, I could take care of myself. If I wanted a syrupy head then so be it!

I think something was seriously wrong with me because I reacted in a way that shocked us both I think, especially Stefan. I gave him one long glare before chucking the plate at him. Like, kind of hard. There was a moment of utter disbelief as I watched it shatter and cut him. The yelp of pain that left his lips is what made this all the more real and I had to bite back laughter at how crazy this scenario was. I seriously just threw a glass plate at my boyfriend for trying to help me. And I hurt him! The amount of blood was actually kind of scary until the wounds healed up, which only took about five seconds, but it was still enough time for me to catch the look of horror in his eyes and realize that I was actually snickering a bit.

When the fact that I was laughing at him registered I stood up abruptly, knocking over the chair, and sprinted to my house so I could contemplate what an idiot I was. Or what a psycho I was. Either one. In my defense, as I have previously stated, I was pretty fucked up at this point. I couldn't help but replay over and over in my mind the look on his face, that incredulous and pained expression as he stared at me as if he didn't even recognize me anymore. Like I wasn't his Elena anymore.

I knew exactly what he was thinking though: What happened to this bitch while I was gone? She's fucking insane! Taking pleasure in hurting me, what the hell? She's turning into fucking –

"I guess you're a little more like me than you thought, hmm?" Damon asked sweetly, lounging on my bed like he lived here. I was crying a little by now and still wasn't thinking straight, so I just fell on top of him and nestled my face into his neck, inhaling his wonderful scent. He was so fucking perfect.

"Damon, what's wrong with me?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing. You're tired, angry, frustrated, normal things."

"But I hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anybody." I said, putting my head on his chest so that I could gaze into his face. And once again the thought of his perfection passed through my mind.

"You hurt me." He replied, as if this made everything okay, as if now he and Stefan were even.

"But you hurt me too." I said, defending myself. All Stefan had done was love me. He didn't deserve anything. Damon deserved a hell of a lot more than a little heartbreak, or whatever he was experiencing. But I deserved to suffer even more.

"Touché. Nothing to be ashamed of though. Your eruption was to be expected considering all the feelings you've been keeping bottled inside trying to be the good little girl you were before he left. You wanted to make him happy, didn't you? Be little straight-laced Elena for our saintly Stefan." He asked, stroking my hair soothingly. I just nodded, crying harder.

"I've been bad, haven't I?" I asked in a squeaky voice, like I was five years old again.

"Yes. You can't make him happy like this. But you can make me happy, and in doing so atone for your… bad deeds. Then you can be pure for our little angel, Stefan. How does that sound?" Damon asked in that sickeningly sweet voice I knew all too well. And strangely his words made sense. I wanted what he could give, needed it, by some delusion thought it would work. It was what I deserved.

I think it was the guilt. I couldn't stand to be around Stefan because I felt guilty about what Damon and I had done, how I felt about him. Because somewhere along this path to Hell my feelings had gotten warped and confused and I needed it now, no matter how much I didn't want it, feared it, hated it. The last thing I wanted was this. But it was the only way.

Or so I thought at that moment in time. Thinking back I realize Damon was manipulating me and probably concocted the entire scheme, had somehow made me hurt Stefan, knowing I would come running home upset and out of my mind. Then he would convince me this was right and necessary, that he was helping me by doing this, knowing I would believe him because I wanted to. Therefore, he would win. And I would help him. I played right into his hand.

"Punish me, Damon. Please." I whispered, tears streaming down my face. He just smirked and a fire lit up his placid eyes.

And that's how I got back in the cycle, even after Stefan saved me. No matter what I did I couldn't escape Damon and he knew it. I think I loved him. In a weird way, different from how I loved Stefan. And I knew he loved me, although it was back to the old twisted love. Somewhere deep down he cared about me, but right now he wanted me back and had me wrapped around his long and slender finger.

Stefan belonged to me, was mine. But me? I was Damon's. All Damon's.