Tw: talks of suicidal thoughts
I've had a few questions asking if this doc is almost over; it isn't. At least not for another few chapters. I'm going to write some domestic clexa and some other stuff is set to happen too (I'm sorry). I'm glad you guys like this fic and you comments really mean a lot, thank you : )
"What are you doing?" Lexa frowned when Clarke hopped into her car the next morning.
"Driving to Canada with you,"
"What about your car?"
"Raven's driving it up." Clarke explained, fiddling with the display on Lexa's centre console, pairing it up with her phone. Her phone that had been on airplane mode every since everything kicked off.
"I never knew you were so clingy," Lexa sighed, laughing when Clarke glared at her. Lexa reached over to grip the back of Clarke's neck and pulled her in closer. "I'm kidding," she whispered, kissing Clarke fully.
They pulled back when a horn blared behind them, followed by Octavia telling them to get a room.
"Ready?" Clarke whispered.
Lexa pulled her lip in between her teeth and smiled. "Ready."
Clarke smiled brightly, planting a kiss on Lexa's forehead before falling back into her seat. "Let's go then."
The twenty two hour drive was mostly uneventful. Clarke fiddling with the music, Octavia or Raven driving up beside them on deserted roads and, more often than not, flipping them off and laughing.
Five hours in Clarke decided to call her lawyer in regards to the divorce papers she had apparently had in the works for weeks now, asking her what she wanted to do now that everything was out in the open. Clarke requested the forms be sent to their new address, telling him she didn't care if she wasn't going to get anything from Jeff, she just wanted him out of her life. She turned her phone off after that
"That felt good," Clarke whispered and Lexa tilted her head to look her, one hand on the wheel while the other was holding her head up.
"Mm?"
"I told her to send it to my apartment. An apartment I will be sharing with the girl I love, and the dog I love, with a job that I'll love." Clarke sighed happily. "This time last year I was sure I would have been stuck in that marriage until the day he found someone younger. Then you came in like a knight in cute flannel and sweeped me right off my feet."
"A knight in cute flannel?" Lexa grinned, switching her hands on the wheel and slipping her now free hand into Clarke's. "That's a new one."
"Just- thank you. For not just writing me off as a gold digging tramp."
"You are a lot of things but a tramp isn't one of them," Lexa said with a crooked little grin, holding her arm out to Clarke. "C'mere."
Clarke leant over to rest her head against Lexa's shoulder. The centre panel was digging into her side but she really couldn't bring herself to care.
"I love you and once we get to Canada you can sort out this divorce." Lexa swore, planting a kiss on her forehead.
"You remember what we talked about at the beginning? We were in the cinema room at your place and we were talking about love and you describe it as an untameable force, something that if you try to control it it destroys you." Clarke recalled, her eyes unfocused as she thought about that night. "I didn't believe you, I thought you were living in some kind of fantasy world. There's no way a single person could make you feel like that." Clarke paused thoughtfully for a second. "I didn't believe you until you made me feel that way."
Lexa spared Clarke a glance before returning her eyes to the road, she knew Clarke wasn't done so she didn't interrupt her.
"I thought love was made up, that people who were 'in love' played up on what society had made us believe love was. I just didn't think it was possible to feel so strongly toward a person." Clarke spoke, a little laugh escaping her lips. "I still don't know how it's possible but I now know it is. I've never had someone love me like you do, and I've never loved someone like I love you."
Lexa ran her fingers through Clarke's hair, "I'm glad you know how much I love you."
"It's hard not too," Clarke smiled, kissing Lexa's cheek.
Raven and Octavia helped them get their things into their new apartment before announcing that they were getting a hotel.
Both Lexa and Clarke tried to argue, they had a spare room, Raven and Octavia were more then welcome to stay, but the girls insisted that they didn't want to 'taint their first night'. Both Clarke and Lexa knew they just wanted to have sex and didn't want to have to be quiet.
Lexa walked them out, smiling when she entered the living room to see Clarke standing in the middle of the room, a content smile on her face as she looked around.
"Five minutes that way," Lexa spoke, pointing off to her left. "Is one of the worlds most beautiful national parks. Thirty minutes that way," she pointed to her right this time. "Is my new work and about forty-five minutes that way," she jabbed her thumb over her shoulder. "Is your new work place."
Clarke's eyes were sparkling as she watched Lexa watch toward her.
"This isn't going to be some fairytale. It's going to be hard, we are going to be working a lot, we're going to fight, get on each other's nerves, things might feel like it's getting too much." Lexa said, taking ahold of Clarke's hands when she reached her. "And when that does happen was have to take a step back and try and calm down. We never got to bed or leave angry, we talk through whatever it is that's bothering us. We do that and we're going to be happy together."
"Sounds fair," Clarke hummed, gently pulling Lexa toward her and resting her forehead against the younger girls. An excited grin stretched across her lips as she stared over into Lexa's eyes. "We got out, they can't touch us anymore."
Lexa's lips curled up into a smile at Clarke's words.
"But we should turn our phones back on, your siblings might be trying to get in touch."
"Can we just not tonight?" Lexa sighed, wriggling her hands from Clarke's and sliding her hands up Lexa's neck to link at the back. "Let's just pretend this is us moving in together. Not because we had too or because we are running from something but because we wanted to, because we love each other."
"Both of those things are true," Clarke assured, her arms wrapping snuggly around Lexa's lower back. "We just had to rush because of the circumstances but I definitely wanted this and I definitely love you." Clarke slipped her hands under Lexa's shirt, her hands splaying across the younger girls back. "Now, I do know that it's customary to christen the bed when you move into a new place."
A little laugh escaped Lexa's lips, "I heard it's not just the bed. I heard it is also the shower," Lexa whispered, pecking Clarke on the lips as she backed her toward the door. "And the couch," she kissed her again, pressing her up against the bedroom door. "Kitchen counter, in front of the fire."
"Looks like we've got a busy night, hm?" Clarke smirked, reaching behind her to open the bedroom door, both of them stumbling when it swung open. "Better get started."
Lexa hummed gruffly, lifting Clarke off her feet and gently throwing her on the bed, a smirk playing on her lips as she pulled her shirt off.
"Is it comfortable?" Lexa asked, crawling the length of Clarke's body, kissing her when she finally reached her lips.
"More so now that you're here."
"I thought about killing myself once, back when I was sixteen." The admission had come out of nowhere, they were both relaxing after christening the bed, couch, shower then rug. The warmth of the fire and Lexa was causing Clarke to almost fall into a slumber.
"What stopped you?" She asked sleepily, running her hand over Lexa's stomach calmingly.
"Lincoln." Lexa answered, her fingertips dancing across Clarke's care back. "I remember I was sitting on my bed and I had my antidepressants in my hand and I know that if I just took everything in that bottle it would be over, I wouldn't have to keep living my life depressed and in fear. But Lincoln chose that time to come into my room with tickets to spend the day at an animal enclosure in Toronto later that week. And we spent the rest of that day watching friends reruns and eating pizza. That made me realise that I couldn't do that to Lincoln or Anya, I couldn't leave them."
"So you've stayed alive this long for your siblings?"
"At first, yeah. But when I was eighteen or nineteen I decided that I wasn't going to let my father make me feel like I wanted to die."
"Well, I'm glad you didn't do it."
"Yeah," Lexa whispered, smiling down at Clarke, her eyes shinning with happiness, her body more relaxed than Clarke had ever seen her. "Me too. God, if someone had told me at fifteen that I actually had something to look forward too, that I would get away from my father, with a girl that I love, I wouldn't have believed them."
"Now look at you, look at us." Clarke smiled softly. "It does get better."
"Mm. I didn't believe that growing up, I do now."
"Good. I know we still have the kitchen counter to christen but I really don't have it in me right now."
"No, I don't either," Lexa laughed, folding her arm under her head, tightening her grip around Clarke. "We can do that tomorrow."
"We need to redecorate, the walls in here are disgusting." Clarke breathed, getting more comfortable against Lexa.
"We will go to Home Depot before we start work." Lexa answered, planting a lazy kiss on Clarke's forehead, whispering 'goodnight' before allowing herself to fall asleep.
They both startled away the next morning with a loud bang on the front door.
Lexa paled, her worried eyes moving to Clarke. Had her father followed them? Did he had a tracker on her car? Had he found them and came to drag her home?
A sigh of relief left both of them when the sound of an irritated Raven reached their ears.
"Guys, open the damn door!"
"Is this what it's going to be like? Constantly on edge," Lexa muttered as she got to her feet, offering Clarke her hand.
Clarke took Lexa's hand and pulled herself up. "I'm not going to lie and say he could never show up but, if he does, we call the police. He has nothing over you anymore."
"Yeah, I suppose that's true,"
"Lexa! Clarke!"
"Two minutes," Lexa yelled back, giving Clarke a soft smile before heading into their room, pulling on a pair of sweats and Clarke's university sweater.
"That's mine," Clarke pointed out as she entered the room, pulling on her own pair of sweats.
"Not anymore," Lexa quipped with a little grin, gripping onto the waste band of Clarke's sweats and pulling her into a searing kiss. "I'll go get the door."
"If you're wearing mine I'm wearing yours," Clarke called and Lexa laughed as she opened the door to her irritated friends.
"Sorry, guys, we were asleep."
"Mmhm," Octavia hummed skeptically, pushing past Lexa into the apartment. "We thought we could go for breakfast before Raven and I have to drive back."
"Looks like you guys have already eaten, though." Raven commented with a smirk.
"Breakfast sounds good," Lexa said, "Just let me get dressed."
Both she and Clarke got dressed, both keeping the others university sweaters on.
"I wish we had just taken my plane here," Raven groaned as she fell into the booth of a little, local cafe.
"Yeah, the idea of driving for another twenty-one hours is horrible." Octavia muttered.
"Are you leaving after breakfast?" Lexa asked.
Octavia nodded, offering her best friend a reassuring smile. "We will be back, though. Often."
"Good, not too often though." Lexa teased.
They ate, talked, laugh, and, God, Lexa felt great. She felt light, relaxed. She couldn't remember the last time she felt like this, she probably never had.
Octavia and Raven left at midday that day, leaving Lexa and Clarke sitting quietly on their sofa, Aurora curled up in front of the fire. "We should turn our phones on," Lexa murmured, turning to look at Clarke who bit down on her bottom lip and nodded.
They fished their phones out of their bags and switched them on.
Lexa's began buzzing first, over thirty texts and ten missed calls.
The missed called came from her family. Her brother and sister and parents. The messages came from her family, Jasper, Monroe, even Bellamy had messaged her asking if everything was OK.
She decided to get her parents messages out of the way first. There was seven between the two of them and they all essentially telling her to get home.
She went to Jasper, Bellamy and Monroe after that.
Double J: [20:12] Clarke, I just seen the news. Are you ok?
[01:13]I'm hoping you are just busy and you really are ok.
[02:00] Just call me, please.
Lexa smiled at Jaspers concern, send him a quick message telling him she would call soon before moving onto Bellamy.
Bellamy Blake: [21:17] Lexa Woods, who knew u had it in u ;)
[21:20] Seriously, tho, u ok?
Lexa ignored Bellamy, she knew Octavia had already spoken to them, moving onto Monroe's messages.
ZoRoe: [00:12] damn, Lex, she's hot ;)
[00:14]I'm guessing that's why she would growl at me whenever we spoke?
[07:00] Let me know you're ok, I know no one has heard from you and I know your asshat of a dad wouldn't have taken this well
Lexa texted her to tell her she was fine, taking a deep breath before moving onto her siblings messages.
There was nine from Anya
The oldest Tree: [20:01] Lexa, where are you?
[20:35] Dads freaking out
[21:21] Don't come home tonight
[01:34]But please let me know you're ok
[02:06] I love you, kid, we will help you through this
[05:48] Ok, now I'm worried, call me
[10:40] Lexa, please
[14:03] Lexa this isn't fucking funny. I'm worried about you
[16:30] got in touch with Octavia. Call me when you get wherever you're going
There was eight from Lincoln.
Abe: [20:40] shit, Lex, are you ok?
[23:20] Call me as soon as you get this kiddo
[03:40]I'm guessing your phone is off
[05:20] And judging from the emptiness of your room you've took off
[12:03] Just be safe, and look after yourself
[18:37]Dad just got a call from Jeff, it's good that Clarke is with you
[20:37] I love you, let us know when you're safe
[20:38] I'm proud of you for getting out
Lexa felt a twist of guilt in her stomach, she felt terrible for causing her siblings to worry.
She called Anya first.
"Lexa?" She answered within seconds.
"Yeah, An."
"Thank god," Anya breathed and the sound of Lincoln asked if she was ok floated through the phone.
"Yeah, I'm fine. We, uh, we're in Canada. I've been setting up for a while, I have a job, so does Clarke, we have a place to live." Lexa explained, "It's nice, you should see it."
"You were planning this?" Anya sounded a little hurt.
"I couldn't tell you. Plausible deniability."
"Can we come visit?" Lincoln asked.
"Yeah, of course. Just let me know when you want to come up and we will sort it."
"How about this weekend?" Lincoln offered. "I need to see you to make sure you're ok."
"That should be ok, yeah. I will sort it out closer to them time."
"Is Clarke ok?" Anya asked.
"Yeah," Lexa hummed, glancing over at Clarke who was frowning down at her phone. "Yeah, she's fine. I'm gonna go, ok? I love you guys. He hasn't hurt you has he?"
"No, we're OK." Lincoln answered.
"Bye, kid. We love you."
Lexa hung up, dropping her phone and turning to Clarke.
"Baby, you ok?"
"My mom texted me asking me to call her," Clarke frowned. "Most of the other messages are just from Jeff, calling me all kinds of crap. And my lawyer telling me she has sent the papers and sent a copy to Jeff."
"What are you going to do?"
"I mean, I should call her, right? She's my mom."
"Don't feel obligated too, she's been a total asshole to you, you don't owe her anything." Lexa squeezed Clarke's thigh calmingly.
"I still think I'm going to call her, see what she wants."
Turns out her mom actually did care. She just wanted to ensure Clarke was ok, and even asked to come visit sometime, to which Clarke said she would have to wait and see. Her mom seemed to understand, understand just how much she had hurt her daughter.
"We should go get paint and paper and start redecorate tomorrow," Clarke suggested.
"Sounds like a plan,"
"Your father email me today," Clarke commented while they covered the sofa and tv with a sheet, preparing to decorate.
"What did he want?" Lexa asked, pulling her hair up into a hair band.
"He offered me a million dollars to take you home and leave you."
Lexa felt the panic raise on her chest, she should've known this would happen. "I'm not- no." Lexa shook her head frantically, pushing Clarke away when the blonde tried to grab onto her cheeks. "I'm not going back."
"Hey. Lexa, stop, I said no!"
Lexa stopped shaking her head, her breathing still ragged as she stared at Clarke. "You did?"
"Of course, baby, I love you."
"You can't- do that to me." Lexa gasped, stumbling backwards until her legs hit the sofa and she was sitting down, her face buried into her hands as she tried to stop the panic attack that was bubbling in her chest.
Clarke was down in front of her in a second, prying her hands away from her face and kissing her slowly until she felt Lexa's lips move against her own, then she pulled away.
Lexa's breathing was still heavy but it was more regular this time, she was much more in control.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that."
"No, I just- it reminded me of Costa, I don't think I could handle it if you done it too."
"I wouldn't, ok?" Clarke swore, gripping onto the back of Lexa's neck, forcing the woman to look at her. "Not ever, not for any amount of money."
"A million is a lot of money, Clarke, more than we have."
"I don't care, I love you."
A sob bubbled in Lexa's throat as she folded forward, hiding her face in her arms.
"Have you taken you pills today?"
Lexa shook her head and Clarke quickly got up, walking briskly into their bathroom, digging the two bottles of pills from the cabinet.
"Here," Clarke grabbed one of Lexa's hands and placed the pill in it, folding her fingers around the little blue and white, and blue pills.
Clarke read over the bottles as she waited for Lexa to take the tablets. She hadn't actually asked what pills Lexa was on but as soon as she saw the name on one of the bottles her stomach twisted uncomfortably.
"How long have you been on these ones?" Clarke asked, holding up the bottle for Xanax.
Lexa shrugged, "Couple of years," She answered, tilting her head back as she swallowed the pills dry.
"Babe, you aren't supposed to be on these for long stretches of time. Who has been giving you these?"
"My dad, I was initially only prescribed the Prozac but he came home with these and they worked." Lexa shrugged, her legs bouncing anxiously. "Will I ever get away from him? He's somehow go your email."
"It doesn't matter if he knows where we are, he can come here and try and convince us to come home but he had no legal weight behind him, her can't force us back to LA." Clarke assured. "But we need to talk about these pills, Lexa. You shouldn't be taking these."
"He told me they'd make me better and they did. They just made me kind of sleepy but I wasn't constantly anxious, so they worked."
"These ones," Clarke held up the bottle for the Prozac. "Are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, these limit the reuptake of serotonin, and you know serotonin a roll in anxiety, don't you?" Lexa nodded, watching Clarke attentively as she spoke.
"Yeah, I know but tell me, watching you speak it surprisingly calming."
Clarke smiled but didn't tell Lexa that the calming effect would probably be down to the pills she had just taken. "Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that is associated with a feeling of wellbeing and happiness. They don't know do sure but they think anxiety and depression is linked to one specific serotonin receptor in the nerve endings that uptakes serotonin at a rate that doesn't allow enough to to reach the brain. SSIRs prevent the reuptake by that receptor, leaving more serotonin in your brain which helps lift your mood." Clarke explained, gently squeezing Lexa's thighs. "But you can't keep talking this other ones, Lexa, if you take them for long enough you become dependent on them, addicted, that's not good."
"I'll stop taking them."
"Not cold turkey, that can be dangerous, we will wean you off of them. You take these four times a day so we will cut that in half, two a day, one in the morning and one are dinner time, Xanax leaves your system quickly so we could do that for two months then cut it down again. The Prozac will help, and you can take those without much worry, they aren't addictive."
Lexa nodded, leaning forward to kiss Clarke. "Why would he put me on them for that long of they were dangerous?"
"He probably just liked that they made you lethargic." Clarke sighed, leaning her forehead against Lexa's. "That meant you were less likely to misbehave."
"Do you ever wonder if it is hopeless? Trying to get away from him, he's always going to keep popping up." Lexa breathed, gripping onto Clarke's baggy shirt.
"I think the fact that your wondering means it isn't," Clarke whispered. "We done it, Lex, we're gone, we got out. It's just going to take us a little while to find out footing but we are going to be ok."
Lexa nodded, "I know. Sorry I thought you had accepted."
"It's ok," Clarke assured, kissing Lexa's lips. "How about we leave decorating until later tonight? We can go relax in bed for a little while."
"Yeah, I think that's what I need."