13. Warming the house
The couple slept in the next day, Saturday, but early that afternoon they finally were able to have their second appointment with Dr. Gallo. They reported on the success of her suggestion, and she smiled appreciatively. Then the doctor picked up where they had left off two weeks earlier. "Penny, when we last met you mentioned that there had been some issues you wanted to talk about."
"Yes," she said, looking at Leonard. "I've been thinking about it, and it seems to me that we need to deal better with the fact that we are very different kinds of people."
"In what way?"
"Well, Leonard is really 'out there' with his feelings, but I'm a lot less interested in sharing my emotions. Sometimes this causes tension. I think we have to learn to accept each other's differences."
Leonard looked uneasily at Penny, and Dr. Gallo turned to him. "Leonard?"
"I guess I expected something different. I thought the issue was that Penny had trouble expressing her feelings about me, I mean positive feelings. And the incident she mentioned was a time where she seemed pretty guilty about that, and wanted to do something about it. My impression was that that was what we were going to talk about."
Penny broke in, "Well, that's right. I did feel guilty. But I've thought about it and I believe the real point is that Leonard's a pretty emotional person, and I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I like that about him. But we're different, and we have to accept that."
"I see," Dr. Gallo continued. She turned to Leonard. "What do you think of this?"
"I, um, I guess it's true. But sometimes it's hard."
"Hard how?"
"I know I can be needy. And I'm not saying I want to be showered with compliments. But I tell Penny all the time how much she means to me, how much I admire her, how proud I am of her. Getting that kind of support from her is pretty rare. In fact, I only remember one time recently, and it was when she had had a lot to drink. Otherwise, I don't feel like she really pays much attention to what I'm doing, or any of my accomplishments."
"What's that like for you?"
"It hurts," Leonard said bluntly. "It hurts a lot."
"Come on, Leonard," Penny said, surprised, "you know how much I care for you. I'm just not as expressive about my feelings as you are."
"You don't seem to have any trouble being expressive when you're angry at me," Leonard said, clenching his teeth.
"Leonard, you know I love you," Penny said, exasperation creeping into her tone. "I just don't feel a need to put my emotions on display all the time."
Leonard looked at her. "Right. That's what you say," and his voice began to tremble. "But then you're ready to go up on stage in front of 500 people and pour out every emotion known to mankind. And you can't tell your own husband that you appreciate him, or that you're proud of him? Why does an audience deserve more than your husband? You can put all your emotions on display to a theater full of strangers, but you can't make an effort to have your own husband feel like he's important to you? What's that all about?" He could not hide his bitterness as he stared at the far wall, his fists clenched.
Penny looked down, distraught.
"Leonard, I know you're upset. But please look at your wife."
Despite himself, Leonard made the effort to look at Penny. His affect softened a little. "Maybe I'm being unfair, but it's the way I feel. There are two of us in this marriage, and sometimes it seems like I'm the only one who is grateful for it. It would be nice to hear it from you, sometimes."
Penny nodded, unable to speak. Dr. Gallo allowed the silence to last for a minute, then addressed herself to Leonard.
"Would it surprise you to know that many actors stutter, or once did? James Earl Jones, Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Marilyn Monroe…."
"I didn't know that," he said. "But I'm not sure I see the relevance."
"Having somebody else's words given to them made it easier for them to overcome whatever it was that caused the stutter. See a parallel?"
"Oh." Leonard nodded. "So you think that somebody who has trouble expressing emotions finds acting a way to do that?"
Dr. Gallo nodded. "It's a possibility. Penny?"
"I guess," she said, still not raising her head.
"Do you have any idea why you find it hard to express your feelings to Leonard?"
"I don't know."
The doctor let the silence sit.
Leonard muttered, "Weakness."
Dr. Gallo looked at him. "Go on?"
"Penny sees too much emotion as a sign of weakness."
"What makes you think that?"
"Well, she grew up on a farm in Nebraska. I don't know much about that, but I'm guessing it was tough. Certainly tougher than growing up in the New Jersey suburbs. Her father is a nice guy, but he's tough too. So I'm thinking that's the way she was raised. And then," his voice softening a bit, "she came out here to try to make it. Everybody knows the industry is brutal, and I suppose she felt that had to be strong and independent. Which she is. So I imagine she didn't want anybody to think she wasn't tough enough to make it on her own. She has a lot of defenses built up. And being too emotional might make her feel like she's being weak."
Penny had raised her head and was staring at Leonard. She reached out and touched his arm. "You understand me so well. So why does it make you so angry?"
Leonard looked at Penny, shaking his head. "Understanding it doesn't make it any easier to take."
"Leonard, I never mean to hurt you. You have to believe me." She shook her head sadly, "I should know better."
The doctor was curious. "Why should you know better?"
Penny explained, "His mother never gave him any love or affection. It's so awful, it makes me furious just to think about it. So of course it means a lot to him to hear it from me. I should have realized that…sometimes I wonder about myself. But it's not only my fault," she said, glancing at Leonard.
"How do you mean?" Dr. Gallo asked, as Leonard looked on, curious.
"Well, he's an emotional guy, it's true. But a lot of the time he doesn't tell me about things I do that upset him. Like, a few weeks ago I found out that it really bothered him when I made fun of some of his behavior, but I only found out because we were doing an acting drill. Ten years, and he'd never mentioned it to me. And this other thing, about my being proud of him; he never mentioned that to me until it came up at a party. It's almost like he's afraid to tell me when I do things that bother him. I'm not a mind reader, I need him to tell me. I mean, I felt terrible when I found out about both those problems. But it was the first I'd heard about them."
Leonard looked unhappy about the turn of the conversation. "I don't think it takes much to figure out that it's not very nice to make fun of somebody, and that people like to be praised. Why do I have to tell you something that you already know?"
Dr. Gallo broke in. "Well. Let's try to address this, on both sides of the coin. I want to give you two some homework. Penny, once a day I want you to tell Leonard how you feel about him. And Leonard, I want you to respond by telling Penny how what she tells you makes you feel. That should at least get things going. And Leonard, you can use this as practice for being a little more direct when you talk to Penny. All right?"
Both nodded, as the session ended and they left the office.
"That was intense. But I think Dr. Gallo will be great for us," Leonard said, as the couple left the doctor's office and headed out to the parking lot.
Penny nodded. "Me too. But it's draining."
As they got into the car, she turned to him. "Leonard, I want you to know that I have never loved anyone like I love you. It's scary to me. But it's true."
Leonard was quiet for a moment, blinking. Then he shook it off. "What, trying to get a head start on your homework?" he quipped.
"I'm serious. And you're flunking yours."
"Oh. Right. Well, when you told me that I felt…wonderful. Warm. Like I wanted to kiss you."
She gave him a sultry look. "Well?" she said, closing her eyes. He went in for a very soft, very tender kiss, which lasted a long while.
As he pulled away, she opened her eyes. "That was nice."
"It was," Leonard agreed. He looked at the clock in the dashboard. "We have a few hours before the party at Sheldon and Amy's. Should we go over to the Huntington Gardens to walk around? You used to like that."
Penny smiled. "We haven't done that in so long. I'd love that."
That evening the whole gang gathered in Apartment 4A for Sheldon and Amy's inaugural dinner party together. They were calling it a housewarming, in honor of their definitively living together – if not always in one bedroom.
All the members of the group arrived, bearing gifts. Sheldon was reluctant to accept them, until Amy informed him that social convention did not require a gift exchange in the case of house gifts – unless the gift-giver also had a new home. At that, Sheldon began opening the presents.
Leonard and Penny had two. One, which Sheldon opened first, was a set of His and Hers towels. Sheldon tried to seem enthusiastic, but couldn't quite pull it off.
Penny waited just long enough to truly embarrass Sheldon, then broke the news: ""It's a joke, Sheldon! We know you'd never use them. We'll take them if you don't want them. The other present is the real one."
Sheldon breathed a sigh of relief and opened the second present. "Oh, look, it's an electric kettle! And a whole set of exotic teas!"
Leonard explained, "We figured with you two living together, Amy would need a lot of hot beverages for when she's upset."
Sheldon frowned at Leonard, but the general laughter overshadowed it. He and Amy moved on to the other housewarming gifts with appreciation.
Once the gift portion of the evening was over, Amy stepped out in front of Sheldon.
"This is a party in honor of a change. In this case, the change is Sheldon and I living together. But there have been some other changes lately, and we wanted to honor them, too. Bernadette and Howard are expecting, and I know I speak for all of us when I say that we are sooo excited to be aunts and uncles."
Everyone cheered. Amy went on. "And another big change is that Penny will be opening in a major stage play."
Further cheers. But Amy wasn't done. "And there's another change that Sheldon and I wanted to announce." She pulled Sheldon forward and linked arms with him. "Last night, Sheldon proposed to me, and I accepted."
The shocked silence lasted a good five seconds, before the loudest cheers of the evening broke the sound barrier. The girls gathered around Amy, who took her engagement ring out of the pocket she'd been hiding it in and put it on. The boys congratulated Sheldon warmly, embarrassing him deeply. Penny and Leonard looked at each other across the room. Leonard winked at his wife, and Penny gave him the thumbs-up.
After dinner, Penny announced that, considering the circumstances, the ladies would be heading across the hall to carry on in private. The boys were free to speak amongst themselves.
Once they were alone, Sheldon suggested a game of Halo. Or Settlers of Catan. Or anything to remind him of the old times. The others agreed on Catan, and they broke out the game board. As they set up, Leonard spoke up.
"A lot of things are changing around here, I know, and that can be hard for some people" and he looked at Sheldon. "But I just wanted to say that no matter what changes, we'll always be friends. Friends in different ways than ten years ago, maybe. But friends."
The other three nodded assent, although Leonard could not help but note that Sheldon's nod was a sad one. He made a note to himself to find some time to talk to his friend in private. With Sheldon, everything always took longer, and was harder.
The game went on for an hour and more, until Sheldon inevitably claimed victory to general agreement. As they sat around chatting, the three young women came into the room.
"OK," Penny yelled, "Couples Truth or Dare!"
As they laughed and kidded each other for the next hour, Leonard couldn't help but think that, what with the play about to begin and Bernadette almost six months pregnant, this might be the last time they would all be together in quite this way.
Later on, as Leonard and Penny helped Sheldon and Amy clean up, Penny turned to the newly engaged couple. "We're so happy for the two of you!"
"Well, we have you to thank, at least in part," Amy said, smiling.
"How so?" Penny asked.
"Leonard moving out sort of gave Sheldon the push he needed for us to get to the next level, I think," Amy replied.
Sheldon looked up sharply. "I don't need Leonard to tell me what to do," he said angrily.
"No, no, I didn't mean that," Amy backed off quickly. "I just meant that it gave us an opportunity to, you know, explore new options." But Sheldon did not look happy.
Penny and Leonard exchanged looks. As the cleaning wound up, Penny said to Amy, "Hey, why don't you come over to our place for a bit. I could use some help with my lines."
As the young women left to go across the hall, Leonard said to Sheldon, "Let's sit down and rest a little." They moved to the living room area, Sheldon in his spot, Leonard in the armchair.
"Is everything all right, Sheldon?"
Sheldon shook his head. "It's all happening so fast. I told you this was the way it was going to be. I feel as though I'm losing all of my friends. Especially you two."
Leonard nodded. "I can see that. It's a lot of change to try to take in. But there's nothing like being with a woman who loves you, and who you love. You can make fun of romantic love all you want, but I know you're happy with Amy. And you will only get happier as you get to know each other better."
"Maybe. But it's still hard." And the two friends continued to talk through Sheldon's very mixed feelings.
Across the hall, Penny was looking quizzically at Amy. "What's up, Amy?"
"I don't know, Penny. I mean, I'm really happy. And Sheldon's happy, most of the time. But he also seems sad sometimes. I think maybe all these changes are too much for him. And I don't know what to do."
"Well, we all know how he hates change. But these changes now are all good!"
"I don't think he sees it that way. There are ways I think you and Leonard are closer to Sheldon than I am, that you know him better than I do. Except carnally, of course," Amy added.
"What does that mean?"
"You know, in bed."
"Oh well, yeah. It is true, we've known him longer than you. But he loves you, Amy, and he wants to be with you. Maybe it will take time to get used to it, but it will come. And he has you now. That will make all the difference, especially over time. We're eventually going to move out, once the baby comes."
Amy looked at Penny sharply, then narrowed her eyes. "Once the baby comes? Is there something I should know?"
Penny grimaced. "Oh, damn. I wasn't supposed to say anything. We were going to wait until three months. But yes, I'm pregnant."
Amy jumped up and hugged Penny. "That's so wonderful! So exciting!"
Penny sighed. "Oh, Leonard is going to kill me. You'll tell Sheldon, and then everyone will know. Well, I guess it had to come out eventually. But forget about that for a minute. I want to know more about Sheldon being sad. He should be happy now. What's going on with him?"
"I'm just not sure. There are times he mopes around for hours, just staring out the window. As I say, I know he's happy to be with me, but something is really eating at him and I don't know how to reach him."
"OK, that settles it," Penny said firmly. "Leonard's working this out with Sheldon now. But you two need to talk to each other. So we're going across the way and work this through, the four of us. "
"How do you know they're talking about this, instead of some stupid video game?"
"We just looked at each other. Some things don't have to be said," Penny shrugged.
The two women walked into Apartment 4A where Leonard and Sheldon were still deep in conversation. They stopped talking, and Penny walked over and sat by Leonard on the arm of his chair; Amy on the couch next to Sheldon.
Penny started with her characteristic bluntness. "OK, guys, we have to talk. Sheldon, I know how much you love homeostasis. But in life there are lots of changes. And you two are going to be married. So what's eating you?"
Sheldon looked at Leonard and Penny, then at Amy. "I feel like I'm losing my best friends. I mean," he hastened to add apologetically, "Amy is my best friend. But you're barely around, Penny, and Leonard's only a little better, and I know it's only going to get worse. And then with a baby…." He trailed off sadly.
Penny nodded. "We understand, sweetie. Leonard is like a brother to you, and I'm like a sister. But even brothers and sisters have to go their separate ways. That doesn't mean they stop being brothers and sisters. It just means they have to make sure to check in on each other. And make more of the time they spend together."
Leonard added, "It's like I was saying before, Sheldon. Change is part of life. You and Amy will be married soon. And eventually you'll have children, and raise a family. And those will be changes, but they'll be changes for the better. You have to learn to embrace the changes and understand that they can make your life better. Trust me. There's nothing like being with a woman who loves you, trusts you, has no secrets from you." And he looked at Penny and took her hand.
Amy glanced at Penny with a reproving look. Penny cleared her throat.
"About that, Leonard…."
He looked at her quizzically.
"I guess I sort of let our little secret slip out a few minutes ago."
Leonard shook his head. "I knew it. Well, it's all right. Go ahead, tell Sheldon."
"Tell me what?"
"We're pregnant!" Penny said excitedly. "Well, I mean, before you do all that again: I'm pregnant, to be precise."
Sheldon nodded slowly. Amy nudged him, "Sheldon, this is wonderful news. You should congratulate them."
"Oh, all right. Congratulations on impregnating Penny, Leonard. And congratulations on being impregnated, Penny."
Amy looked at him. "Sheldon, I know you must be happy for your friends. What's wrong?"
Sheldon shook his head sadly. "It's not just that it's change. It's that my two oldest friends in the world are not going to be around. That's hard to accept. Amy," he said, looking at his fiancée, "I don't mean this to diminish our relationship, but I'm not sure what I'll do without Leonard and Penny."
"I understand, Sheldon. I can't replace them. I wouldn't want to. But we can work it out together. I can try to help you through this. And I can also help make sure that we all stay in each other's lives. Because I don't want to lose my best friend, either."
Penny and Leonard looked at each other; Leonard spoke first. "Nobody's going to lose anyone. We're all moving on, maybe on different tracks, Sheldon, but we're going to stay close. We all want that."
Sheldon nodded. "I guess. But I still miss you, Leonard. And you too, Penny."
Leonard patted Sheldon on the shoulder. Penny hesitated, then leaned over to give him a hug, which Sheldon did not resist.
"I think we all need some sleep." Amy said. "You look tired, Sheldon. Let's go to bed," she said softly. Penny and Leonard smiled at each other at the unaccustomed intimacy, said good night, and left.
Later that evening, as Leonard crawled into bed, he asked – in line with what they had started after their conversation with Howard and Bernadette – how she was doing, whether there was anything she wanted to talk about. Penny shook her head no, but remained seated against the wall. Leonard could tell she was thinking. He waited a bit, then prodded her: "Everything all right?"
Penny nodded. "Just thinking about that session with Dr. Gallo. And about the play. You know how in After the Fall some people have it that Quentin is strong and reasonable while Maggie is damaged? Some people might think that about us."
"Gee, thanks."
"I mean just that I'm the tough one and you're the one who needs work. But it's not right. Just like that version's not right. The way we play it is right. They're both damaged. And the tragedy is that they can't get through to each other. They can't see how they could help each other."
Leonard knew better than to interrupt her when she was thinking out loud.
"We're like that. We're both damaged."
"You're not damaged, Penny. You're perfect."
"Pfft. I'm not perfect. You know that."
"OK, nobody's perfect," Leonard agreed. "But you're perfect for me. What I mean is that I wouldn't change anything about you. Even if I could, I wouldn't change anything about you."
Penny looked at him. "Me neither. I wouldn't change anything about you."
"Really?"
"Well, maybe asthma, and lactose intolerance. But nothing about you as a person. You're just what I need."
She was silent again. "We're both damaged, but we found each other, and we help each other, and we understand each other. I'm sorry I don't tell you how I feel about you more often. That's wrong, I'll work on that. But I was thinking about us, and about how we support each other, how we sort of…fit together. For ten years we've always been there for each other. When we were together, when we weren't together, you were always there for me. You know, I can't even imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't met you. You're such a part of it. Of me."
Leonard nodded. "I feel the same way. I can't imagine life without you."
She looked at him again. "You know that I love you more than anything."
"What are you, trying for extra credit? Because it's working…."
"I'm serious, Leonard. Talking with Dr. Gallo, and reading the book, helps me get a clearer picture of how I feel, what I feel, what I should do about it."
Leonard was surprised. "You've been reading the book?"
"Sure," Penny answered. "Haven't you?"
"Well, yes. But I didn't know you were."
She looked at him and shook her head. "Still doubting me?"
Leonard looked a little ashamed. "Sorry, sorry."
"So isn't there usually a reward for extra credit?" Penny hinted.
"Absolutely," Leonard said, taking off his glasses and slipping in closer to his wife.