Trigger warning: Light mention of self-harm. Just to be safe.

POV: Lovino

I put the letter in front of me, on the bed.

Okay, it was probably the worst idea, since… At least since, we got here.

The letter arrived again today. The blue ink and dirty paper showed up at our doorstep. It was the same address, same writing. Curiosity was going to kill me anyway but the worry of going too far, was on the back of my mind. It was not my home, I did not have the right to open all the letters, or open all the drawers.

Last time I followed my instincts, last time I did what I thought was best, I ended up making the worst decision of my life. I breathed in, fear running in my blood from what I already knew and from the unknown of that letter. It was probably nothing of interest. Right? Why do I get so worked up?

It's not like there could be anything worst in that letter, I wondered, taking it in my hands again. And now it was in front of me, looking at me, waiting for me to act upon it. I grabbed the edge of it realising my fingers were trembling.

Okay, no. I sat up, letting the letter fall carelessly. What was I doing? Did I do enough damage yet? Restless, I got up, I just need to get some sleep. I decided on a shower, I need hot water after running that much. This summer did not let us anytime to play football, all my body was sore.

But, shower did not help, it was like a itch on my skin. I started scratching my arm letting the water pour on my hair. The day had gone okay at the end. We made it to the team, Feliciano was dancing in Heaven. Matches were good, I did not have to think. Yet, I ridiculased myself at the goal shooting after the tryout matches but Feliciano made a good impression on the one-one-one fight. We can't have everything.

I was… happy, I guess? I did not really mind. It's not that I was sure to make it in the team, but I could not get myself to care that much. It did not matter. Not really. Not like it used too. Though, thinking about something else than my biggest fuck up was good, doing something we used to do and enjoy, was good. And it should not be, not for me. Maybe I should not have even tried.

Anyway, Feliciano was so happy. There was no faking there, and he kept on laughing and singing. It was nice. Though, I did not say that, obviously.

But then, we got at the appartement, the letter was there again, on the floor, at my feet. I hold the door for Feliciano, he waltzed in still rambling and giggling. And I grabbed it. Without thinking. I should not open the letter, I should not even have taken it. It's not mine, this apartment is not even mine, neither this shower or the places I go. I remembered bitterly the way the policeman glanced at me all way back to the house. Like he knew I was the one who did not deserved to be here.

Pain shoot and I realised I scratched to blood. Fuck. Great, what the hell was that? Did I get a mostiquo bit? I really need to cut my nails and sleep. Sleep would be great. I washed the it all off in hurry. One tomato juice is blood incident was enough for this week, for this month or the rest of the year really.

I got out, put a quick bandage on and dressed up. When I came back in the room, put on my headphone and froze again realising I was not alone. The letter was still there. I could not move and watched it laying on my bed. I was being bullied by a letter, amazing. In a rush of confidence, I decided; I was going to open it, I swore. Too bad if Nonno sees it.

"Lovino!" shouted Feliciano from downstairs. I grumbled hiding the letter under the night table.

I pushed one headphone on the side of my head. "What?" And that apparently that gave him the authorisation to barge in dressed in yellow and green, it was quite good on him but the only sight of this colours was giving me an headache. He jumped on the bed like he used to, hugging me close. I tried to escape. "What's going on?"

"Get ready! We are going to party!" he shouted overexcited.

I stopped faking and pushed him of me for real. "What?"

"The party at Yao's house!" He pouted.

"What?"

"For the new selected team!" squealed Feliciano.

"What?"

"Stop repeating yourself, you sound stupid." He chided, poking my cheek.

"You have not heard yourself," I murmured.

He laughed and pushed me gently. "Okay! Let's go!" He shouted exactly.

"I'm not," I glared at the same time, putting my headphones back in one swift motion.

Feliciano pouted try to get it of my head. I fought back and he gave up. I laid back on the bed like royalty. Feliciano moved away. But the little devil grabbed my phone and the music stopped as he unplugged me. I growled getting up. "Give it back!"

"Come with me!"

"No."

"Please, come with me!"

"No."

"What else do you have to do?" whined Feliciano but something sad eyes caught my eyes. I diverted mine, shying away. Silent fell on the bedroom. I did not want to go there. Feliciano'd better not to go there.

"I'm worried for you," confessed Feli and I could not look at him. He went there.

"I'm fine," I assured him without proof but confidence. But there was no need for a law degree to know that it was negotiation tactics. Nothing would hold in court as evidence. Nothing was fine with me. He stared at me. "I'm fine," I repeated. "Anyway, it's not like Nonno will let us out, he will follow the police advise and keep us locked in."

"I already asked," sing-songed Feli. And I knew what was coming, I rolled my eyes. "They said yes."

"Oh, surprise."

Feliciano frowned and made his terribly sad face. It breaks hearts, I swear, the little devil. "I just want everything to be normal for a day…" he confessed. "And have some fun."

I shallowed a sight. "You can go if you want," I said.

"It's not the same without you!" he complained. And my broken heart got stomped on. The little devil. "I can't have fun, if you are here alone, wallowing silently in pain."

"I don't wallow silently in pain," I answered back a bit offended. "I just enjoy quiet."

"You do wallow in pain," he said. I glared. "Please?"

I tore my eyes away from the little devil.

"Por favore, fratello?"

I closed my eyes regretting it already. "Okay! Okay!" I gave in. "Okay, get out! I need to dress up then!"

He beamed, jumping straight up with all the stars of the universe in his stupidly adorable little eyes. He did look like nothing happened in this moment. A smile creeped in. It was quite warm.

"And please, wear some colours," he whined, walking around the door like a diva.

"Get out." I shouted throwing my pillow at him, laughing.

Maybe things could go better.