A/N: A quick update! Shocker. I usually don't update until one or two weeks but hey, I was in a good mood and our final exams for the third quarter are coming up this Tuesday. So I decided to post this before my computer privileges are taken away because my dad is coming back soon. I might not be able to go online cause he monitors my Internet usage.
Damn fathers.
This chapter is depressing to put it bluntly. Lots of bad stuff, a bunch of fluff and you get Chapter 13: Cutting
Onwards!
xxx
The nightmares started again.
"PLEASE! Don't take him away! He is all I have left…"
"It's my job. I can't save anyone" Setsuko replied, monotone.
The woman's eyes burned with hatred, "How can you live with yourself? You live knowing that you KILL people who have so much left to do with their lives"
"I never wanted to do this"
"Then why do you keep on doing it?"
"It's not like a have a choice!"
The woman snorted, "You've always had a choice"
Suddenly the woman disappeared and the little girl version of herself appeared again.
"You're pushing them away again" she said, sounding disappointed.
Setsuko didn't say anything. She was just replaying that scene of the woman on her knees begging her to spare her son's life.
"Why don't you accept them into your life?" she asked, "You were starting to open up…but you pushed them all away"
Setsuko looked at her younger self "They were never close to me to begin with"
This time the small girl got angry, "How can you say that? They are trying to so HARD to get to you. What is wrong with you?"
"Everything" Setsuko replied simply, letting her head loll against the wall she was leaning on.
The girls eyes looked into her own, "Don't be selfish, Setsuko. You're not the only one suffering the more you try to keep everyone away"
Setsuko shot up straight from her futon and brushed the wet strands of hair from her face, "That's the first time she got angry"
The morning light was just starting to come through the window, as everyone was still asleep.
"The world is so unfair" Setsuko muttered, lying back down, attempting to go to sleep.
Hana turned towards her and said, "You're awake"
Setsuko was startled, "Yeah"
"Did you have a nightmare?" she asked quietly.
Setsuko turned the other way, "It's none of your business"
She heard Hana sigh in disappointment. She closed her eyes, memories of her ever too real dream flashing before her eyes.
"You keep everything in too much" Hana whispered, "Learn to let go"
Setsuko looked at her sharply, sitting up. Hana's eyes were glazed over…
"What?"
Hana shook her head and the glaze disappeared, "Sorry…what were you saying?"
Setsuko sighed and rubbed her eyes, "Nothing", "Fucking mind games…"
"I'm going to go out for some air," Setsuko said.
Hana didn't reply. Setsuko yawned and stood up. She made her way towards another door opposite the main one and slid it open. Their suite opened up to one the immensely beautiful gardens of the hot springs. Everything looked so…alive; completely the opposite of what Setsuko was currently feeling.
"Death isn't even an option for me"
The breeze was warm and inviting. Warmness made her forget about all those souls that she takes. The moment that they pass on to the other side, the place becomes so cold that you begin to wonder why you yourself aren't emitting any heat. The moment that the soul leaves…Setsuko feels dead. No life, nothing, only a creeping feeling of emptiness that refuses to go away.
It's sad. Depressing even. But she's used to it.
Setsuko sighed, rubbing her arms up and down, intensifying the heat.
"I do push everyone away…. it's just what I do. I can't stop it"
Setsuko rubbed harder but the heat seemed to evade her. It wouldn't stay for long.
"The cold is spreading…its getting worse"
Setsuko walked back inside and breathed out. For some odd reason, her breath made small mists in the air even though it was hot out.
"I am cold…why doesn't the cold stop anymore?"
A voice piped up inside her mind, "The cold doesn't stop anymore because you don't let the warmness help you. If you keep on doing this, the cold might just succeed in completely freezing you up. You were once winter…then the snow started melting away and spring was starting to come. Then you stopped it, and now time is reversing itself and winter is returning"
"Was my mind always this cryptic?" Setsuko thought, sourly.
"Stop killing yourself, Setsuko"
"I'm not killing myself," Setsuko whispered, walking out into the corridor.
"You're up early" Hatori commented, "How's your arm?"
Setsuko looked at the bandage and replied, "It's fine"
She started turning the other direction when Hatori asked her, "Where did you get that cut anyway?"
Setsuko let out another breath that she was holding, "Up on the roof. The tiles are pretty sharp. Guess I found out too late, huh?"
Hatori didn't say anything but Setsuko knew that wheels were turning in his mind. There was no way he was going to buy that lame excuse. But then again, she was an excellent liar.
"I'm going to get some breakfast…"
Hatori nodded and walked away.
"I told you they'd find out eventually"
"They don't know anything yet. Now shut up" Setsuko thought, "I'm going crazy…I'm telling the voice inside my head to keep quiet"
Setsuko shook her dark brown hair out of her eyes and made her way towards the kitchen. She grabbed a rice ball from the chef and sat in the hot springs' breakfast room that was an expanse of tatami mats and grounded breakfast tables. She noticed Kyo and Yuki sitting there and made up her mind to sit with them. The two were just staring off into space with increasing bored expressions on their faces.
"Waiting for Tohru?" Setsuko asked.
Yuki's eyes showed a flicker of interest but he quickly masked it up. Kyo's expression just showed plain annoyance.
"What would we want from that ditz anyway?" he muttered, looking away.
Yuki looked at Setsuko feigning disinterest, "Where is she?"
Setsuko rolled her eyes and replied, "She's still sleeping. I guess after looking for me all night tired her out"
"I'll go check on her," Yuki said, standing up and heading for the girls' room.
"What were you doing up on the roof, anyway?" Kyo asked.
Setsuko snorted, "How would you reply if I directed the same question towards you?"
Kyo shrugged, "I go to high places because they're great places where you can be alone and just think"
Setsuko smirked, "You just answered your own question"
"You're weird"
"I know. I wouldn't be Setsuko if I wasn't"
The comfortable silence lasted for, oh I don't know, five minutes until Shigure came bursting in and jostling everyone else eating in the room.
"Care to be a little less vulgar, Shigure?" Setsuko said dryly.
Kyo glared at him and snapped. "Do you have to do that all the time? It's not a damn play or something"
Shigure was suddenly surrounded by pink roses once again and replied, "Well, Kyo…the world's a stage for a person of my stature"
"Yeah, a person who used to live in a rundown house with two teenagers beating each other to a pulp every single day"
"Hey! It's only Kyo who gets beat up after he and Yuki fight" Shigure protested indignantly.
"Shut up" Kyo commanded.
"You should follow their advice, Shigure. Lord knows you're only speaking the truth," a cold and eerie voice said from behind him.
The two teens stiffened up considerably.
"Well, well. Isn't this nice? So this is where Hatori had bounded off to when he called in and said he was going to take a few days off"
"Hello, Akito. Long time no see since you visited a couple of months ago"
Akito smiled, "Yes…it has indeed be quite long since we saw each other. Isn't that right, Setsuko? Kyo?"
The two neither blinked nor replied.
"They're just tired" Shigure assured Akito, "So, what may we owe the pleasure of this visit?"
Akito sat down beside Shigure, "I just wanted to see how my other zodiacs are doing. Sad thing you're the only one here, Shigure"
Setsuko stood up and said icily, "Better him than us, right Akito? I'm going to take a walk. Coming, Kyo?"
Kyo nodded weakly and followed suit.
Akito narrowed his eyes at their retreating figure, "She has become insolent. I thought that after living with you, she would've retained her manners"
"People change, Akito. Remember that," Shigure reminded.
Akito seemed irritated at his statement and said, "Well, this change of hers is something I do not approve of"
He stood up fluidly and said one last thing before leaving, "Remedy this immediately before I do. And by the way, make sure to check all the soles of her shoes. Some habits are hard to kill"
xxx
Setsuko and Kyo were walking through one of the spa's gardens when Kyo broke the tensed silence.
"What the hell was he doing here anyway?"
Setsuko looked up at a Sakura tree, "Does he have a reason to anything he does? Or rather reasons that he voices out?"
"I guess not"
"I assume that if you did have the chance to know, you would chose not too. His mind is…complicated. I supposed that's one thing he and I share"
Kyo snorted, "His mind is not complicated. It's utterly insane. There is probably no reason to why he does things the way he does them"
Setsuko shook her head and looked into Kyo's eyes, "There's a reason for everything, Kyo"
For the first time since they met, Kyo realized how haunted Setsuko's eyes looked. It's like they were void of any emotion.
"Your eyes…" Kyo mumbled.
Setsuko looked away, "You judge people too much"
Kyo looked offended, "You of all people should be the last person to understand Akito"
"Yuki told me the same thing"
"Why do you, anyway?"
"Do what?"
"Understand people like him?"
"It's a part of my curse" Setsuko replied shortly.
Kyo chuckled, "You really are something, Setsuko"
"Hey…isn't that Uo and Hana?"
Kyo snapped his head away from hers and looked behind of them. Uo and Hana were waving at them with serious looks on their faces.
"What's up with them?"
Setsuko headed towards the two, dragging a complaining Kyo behind her.
"HEY! STOP! OW! THAT HURTS! DON'T PULL ME!!!"
"What's up?" Setsuko asked.
Uo had this concerned look about her, "Hatori is holding this conference thingy in their room…he's asking for you"
"What the fuck does the psycho doctor want now?"
Kyo looked at Uo in a confused way but she refused to say anything more. So Hana answered instead.
"It's important. You should probably come too, Kyo"
Setsuko was now starting to feel somewhat worried "They can't possibly…"
The voice inside her mind spoke up again, "They know, Setsuko. What shoes are you wearing?"
Setsuko didn't even pay any attention to what the voice said. The last thing she needed to hear right now is a pessimistic voice inside her head that makes her want to kill it.
Hana and Uo led the way to the guys' room where Hatori, Yuki, Shigure and Tohru were sitting around a long table. They all had grievous expressions on their faces.
"What's this about?" Kyo asked, plopping down into a seat.
"Ask Setsuko. She knows" Hatori said in this voice where Setsuko couldn't pinpoint the emotion it was portraying.
Setsuko sat down opposite the doctor and asked in a bored voice, "And what I know is what exactly?"
Hatori lowered his hand to the floor and picked something up. He tossed it on top of the table. It was a razor blade. To be more precise, it was HER razor blade.
"Where did you--?"
Kyo looked at her in disbelief, "You're a cutter?"
Setsuko remembered something…something the voice asked her…"What shoes are you wearing?"
She looked down at her feet and saw that she was wearing slippers. So?
"So what if I'm in…oh fuck"
She had forgotten to hide her sneakers that night. The blade was still under the sole.
Shigure looked at her with pressing eyes, "Hana found it when she and Tohru were cleaning up the room"
"Roof tiles, huh?" Uo said.
"Why did you do that, Setsuko?" Tohru asked quietly.
Suddenly, Setsuko knew what the emotion was in Hatori's voice.
Disappointment.
xxx
PS: Poor, poor Setsuko I know. But at least there's some good stuff coming up next for her. Actually, Akito knew about her cutting problem since he's the one who initiated it…more on that in the next installment of Sohma Death Angel!
-SaMiE-