Chapter Thirteen:

They lay there in bed facing each other as they tried to slow their breathing.

"You seem a little winded," said Grissom.

"Just need to catch my breath," she said.

"Need the inhaler?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she said.

"You were supposed to follow up with that lung specialist because of the scar tissue from the ingestion of sand…did you do that?"

She rolled over to her back.

He scooted closer until he was looking down on her.

"You didn't…did you?"

"I scheduled it but then I had to cancel because of court and then things kept getting in the way."

"As soon as we get back," he said. "You're going to reschedule it."

She said nothing.

He then realized she did not argue that she was not going back.

It was a good sign.

"I guess we're up to year seven," he said softly.

"Seventh year," she said quietly.

"Remember when we played with the chainsaws?" she asked.

He smiled. "We did have some fun moments, didn't we?"

Her smile soon faded.

"Greg got beat up…I never saw him so vulnerable," she said.

"I was very proud of the way he handled himself in that case," said Grissom.

"You know, he looks up to you…always has…it meant a lot to him when you came and talked with him at the hospital," she said.

"I remember I slept alone that night," he said.

"I slept with Greg…at the hospital," she said.

"I know. I came by and found you two together in his bed watching TV."

"His mom caught us too. She didn't seem too thrilled about me…I explained I was a friend and not a girlfriend. I think she believed I was too old for him."

"I bet you made his week by staying with him," said Grissom.

"Nick stayed over at his place for a couple of nights until we knew he was okay," said Sara.

"You're a good friend to him," said Grissom. "I remember you lied and said you were the one who was playing the loud music in the lab."

She grinned. "He'd been yelled at enough. His mother was giving him fits for not telling her he was now working in the field."

He grinned, "I'm glad he took my advice and told them."

"You know you treated him a little different as well."

"I knew he felt guilty for the kid's death…the kid would have killed Greg if he had been given the chance."

Sara was quiet.

"You want to keep going?" he asked.

She rolled over and faced him.

"We had already gotten three of the miniatures," she said.

"Yes….we thought Ernie Dell had committed the murders."

"But you weren't convinced."

"Something didn't feel right. I had no evidence to suggest otherwise but it just bothered me."

"I remember. You seemed distant….spending more time at the lab…less with me. The next thing I know you're telling me you're going on a sabbatical."

"I needed to teach….to get my mind off things for awhile."

"Things?"

He was quiet.

She stared at him.

"I needed to get away," he said. "I needed to think."

"About us?"

"Yes."

"You were having second thoughts?"

"I didn't like breaking department rules….I certainly didn't like sneaking around."

She rolled onto her back and coughed.

"Everyone thought you weren't going to come back."

"I did. I always meant to come back. Sara…."

"You didn't call or write. I got worried. I was staying more and more at your place…most of my things were already there…I thought you were tired of having me around."

"That's not true. I didn't know what to say….how to explain it to you."

She was quiet now.

"I sent you the cocoon."

"I wanted to hear your voice."

"I wrote you a letter…I didn't send it. I'm not good at expressing my feelings on paper."

"I found it in my book."

"I put it there…I wanted you to know that I did think of you while I was away. You seemed different when I got back."

"I wasn't sure about us anymore."

"I'm sorry."

She was quiet for a moment. "Catherine took Keppler's death hard."

"I was with her when he died. She wanted to save him. He had too many ghosts."

He wished he had not used that word when he saw her reaction.

He pulled her into his arms.

"I was glad when I got back. I couldn't wait to see you. I remember you had gone dumpster diving….I didn't care I just wanted to hold you."

"You let me cut your beard," she said softly.

"Trust me?" she asked.

"Intimately," he said.

"You seemed sad again," he said. "I didn't know how to make it right."

"I was scared…of losing you. I was afraid you'd grown tired of me…too much baggage," she said. "I know our relationship was complicated…"

"Our relationship was not complicated…our jobs were complicated," he said.

"Why didn't you call?" she asked.

"I didn't want to hear the hurt in your voice and not be able to do anything about it….too many miles between us," he said.

"You put the miles there," she said. "You left first…"

His head shot up. "Yes, I did but I didn't leave a note that said goodbye. I came to you and…"

"Sorry…that wasn't fair," she said rolling over to her side of the bed.

"Sara, I couldn't explain it to you because I couldn't explain it to myself. I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I left because I needed to know that I could do something other than the lab and still enjoy it."

"Did you?"

"I would have if you had been with me," he said. "If I learned anything from the sabbatical it was I didn't want to be away from you…ever."

She said nothing as she lay there. He rolled closer.

"I wanted more from our relationship and didn't know how to have it…it meant making changes. I'd gotten used to the way my life was," he said. "I wanted our relationship out in the open but it would mean changes…giving up working with you."

His hand reached over and caressed her cheek.

"I did give you something to make up for the absence," he said.

"Hank," she said.

"I thought he would cheer you up."

"A dog that slobbers, chews on my tennis shoes and loves to wake me with a wet tongue…wait the wet tongue is you," she teased.

"You love him…I became jealous of how he got to lay in your lap on the couch…that used to be my spot."

"You got him."

"Yes, I did."

"Gil?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you…it was very sweet."

"He's probably chewing on Greg's shoes now, slobbering on his bed and waking him with a wet tongue."

"Lucky Greg," she said.

"You're leaving caught me off guard…"

"I uhm…" She breathed in and felt little air in her lungs as she coughed.

He said nothing but got up and returned with the inhaler.

She held it a moment before using it.

"This cough is getting worse," he said sounding concerned.

"I'm getting better," she said not wanting to acknowledge the tightness still in her chest.

"Let's get some sleep," he said.

She didn't object as she showered and then slipped back into bed with him beside her. He pressed his hand across her forehead.

"I don't have a fever," she said.

"Just checking," he said.

She kissed him as she closed her eyes.

He was the first to fall asleep. She knew he was tired even though he tried not to show it. She lay there trying to sleep but soon gave up and slipped out of the room. She took the opportunity to rummage through her suitcase for a book she had purchased. He had placed the suitcases in the closet and she was surprised when she found her laptop sitting beside them. She glanced at his sleeping form as she picked it up and took it to the other room.

He must have recovered it from the plane….

He would have searched it for information….

My journal…

His hand reached across the bed only to find it cold and empty. He rose looking around but she was nowhere. He grabbed for his robe and soon found her sitting in a chair with the laptop sitting open.

"You should be sleeping," he said.

"You took my laptop to the lab…as evidence," she said.

He sighed.

"Yes….but no one saw it but me."

"You read my journal?"

"Sara, I was worried. I was trying to locate you."

"I didn't need to be located."

"I didn't know that and besides you would have done the same thing," he said sitting down.

"You shouldn't have read that," she said quietly.

"I didn't read all of it….just the last two months…I was worried….when you said you were going to self destruct if you…"

"You thought I was going to off myself?"

"No….were you?"

The question hung in the air.

It had been his greatest fear.

"I'm tired….not depressed," she said using his own words as her defense.

"You didn't tell me your counselor prescribed…"

"I didn't take it…I've never taken any…you think I'm emotionally unstable?"

"No, I don't. It's the reason I didn't get the prescription filled. Sara, you're exhausted. You're burned out. You needed a break. I also think you're sick."

"I'm not sick."

"Come back to bed," he said.

"I can't sleep," she said.

"I'll hold you," he offered.

She didn't budge but sat there with her arms wrapped around her legs.

"Sara?"

"I began losing my perspective…trusting the wrong persons…I was tired of meeting dead people every day and then we found someone alive only to have her die in my arms…I first thought I would be like Nick…he never gave up on that little girl and she was found alive…Cammie died anyway and I held her murderer's hand."

"I remember you were upset for several days….you couldn't sleep…you kept taking Hank for walks. You wouldn't let me in…you wouldn't talk about it."

"I couldn't. I uhm kept seeing Cammie's face every time I closed my eyes. It was just one of many," she said leaning back with a sigh. "She uhm had a child…she gave it up for adoption."

"I remember," he said.

"I can't imagine giving away a child…to lose a part of yourself forever," she said softly. She drifted off in thought for a moment but he pulled her up interrupting whatever she was thinking about.

"Come back to bed," he said again.

"You go…I'll be there soon," she said.

He leaned back. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Gil, go back to sleep…you don't have to babysit me."

"I thought I handled Hodges and the others breaking into my office fairly well," he said.

"Hodges had good intentions…he did find the link to all of the miniature killings…bleach," she said quietly.

He glanced at her briefly and exhaled deeply before continuing the next topic.

"Some of your things were no longer at the townhouse when I got back from sabbatical," he said.

"I didn't stay there…I stayed at the apartment. I just went by your place to take care of things," she said sitting back down.

"You said you would stay there," he said watching her expressions.

"It was your home…not mine. Besides, I thought Nick or Greg would come around since you were gone and Keppler was acting strange."

"Did they?"

"No…we were too busy chasing reverse evidence."

"You guys decided not to trust Catherine," he said.

"We trusted the evidence…it did not jive with Catherine and Keppler."

"I taught you well."

A slight grin crossed her face.

He looked at her now, a sense of remorse on his face.

"My leaving really hurt you. Didn't it?" he asked.

"I never felt secure about our relationship….once I started staying over at your place I was beginning to think that maybe you felt the same as I did….but then you announced you were leaving….the insecurities returned."

"You were still insecure even after I came back."

"I didn't know where I stood…what I was to you…I knew what you were to me…my life…it scared me….I moved my things back to my apartment and waited for you to call, write, or come back and tell me it was over."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm tired… of talking," she said.

He came to sit beside her.

"You're my life Sara. I missed you while I was away. As soon as I left I wished I had never agreed to teach that class."

She said nothing.

"Think you could sleep?" he asked.

She nodded even though she was more awake now than before but she said nothing as they returned to bed. He spooned his body up next to hers and gently brushed the hair from her cheek as he kissed it.

"You remember when we worked the Happy Morales case?" he asked suddenly.

"Yes."

"So you've been to a place like this before?" asked Sara.

"I worked a murder-suicide at the Naughty Kitty once," said Grissom.

"No, no, come on. You know what I mean."

"As a customer? No."

"You never paid for sex?"

"I have not. I find the whole idea very ... bleak."

"Really? How come?"

"Sex should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid sex does the opposite of that. To me, sex without love is pointless. It makes you sad."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad."

"No. You make me happy."

"I was trying to tell you how much I loved you."

"I was glad it was more than sex," she whispered.

"It's never been sex, Sara."

She was quiet.

"Sara, was it ever just sex to you?"

"It was just sex with Hank…I thought I would feel something more….I didn't…I was angry with myself for giving myself to….nothing."

He held her tight.

She turned now to face him.

"It wasn't just sex with you and Heather was it?"

He didn't want to answer.

He didn't want to hurt her.

Note from author:

Yes, I told you Heather and Hank would return...some angst to follow. Please be kind and leave a review.

Take care,

Penny