The worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you know you can never have them.
Author Unknown
Finn was up early the next morning, going as far as to make breakfast for both of us in an attempt to get things moving faster. I rolled me eyes at him when he woke me up and presented me with breakfast in bed. "Finn, it's 6 in the morning. Not only is Mr. Shue not even up yet, and our appointments at the spa not until 10 but do you want to be the one to call Mercedes and wake her up? Do you want to face her wrath? Because I'm afraid to do it."
His eyes widened, and he shook his head once. "Smart choice." I scooted up against the mounds of pillows. "I do, however, appreciate your attempts at a healthy breakfast." He had brought scrambled eggs, toast, and yogurt with fruit in it, along with glasses of milk and juice. There was also some bacon, but I wasn't going to touch that. "This is a lot of food, though; I can't eat all of this."
To my surprise, he climbed up next to me and gestured between us. "Oh, this is for both of us?" I guessed that explained why there was two of everything. And one tray. And Finn Hudson wasn't moving out of my bed. Oh, God.
Dear Penthouse Forum…
The blood rushed to my face so quickly that it was a miracle the top of my head didn't explode. I growled mentally at the voice. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Finn grabbed up one of the yogurts, and started picking through it to find the berries. I took the glass of orange juice and gulped at it in an attempt to get myself back under control.
Because karma hates me, I don't have a very big bed. I had originally had a queen, but then Finn had moved in, and I had to get a full to make room for him and his things. I hadn't liked it, but it had seemed a small sacrifice at the time. Finn had had to get a full as well, and he was significantly bigger then I was, so it hadn't been so bad.
Unfortunately, now it meant that Finn had to lay with his body pressed against mine from shoulder to hip. He didn't seem to notice as he picked through the tray of food, but it was making my body uncomfortably warm.
And hard.
Yes, that, too. Luckily the tray was in my lap, so there was no way for Finn to be able to tell. Not that he probably would have noticed anyway. I loved the boy, but he would be amazingly dense about some things.
Between the two of us, we managed to eat most of the breakfast Finn had prepared. I had been a little leery of anything that involved Finn actually cooking, since I had heard more then a few stories from Carole, but he had done well. "Thank you Finn, breakfast was delicious. Why don't you start getting ready while I do the dishes?" Dear, God, the dishes. There was probably a mess upstairs that rivaled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius.
A hand came down on my shoulder, making me jump. "Jesus Finn!"
Sorry. He started signing at me, far too quickly. Who would have thought that Finn would be so good at this? He had moved on to using the alphabet at me, and I couldn't keep up. Between trying to tell which letter he was signing and keeping track of what he had already signed, it was a losing battle. "Stop for a second, ok? I need to write this down."
I still didn't get every letter, but I was able to scrawl what I could and decipher it from there. _ _AT T_N_ R W_ L_AV_NG. That didn't make any sense. What blank Are We Leaving? Time, the word was time. I had just misread the 'M' as an 'N'. "8. That will give us enough time to pick up Mercedes, drop you off at Mr. Shue's, and get to our appointments on time."
He nodded, but there was a tension there hat hadn't been there before. I didn't want anything to spoil my plans, but I knew that I had to ask. "You're ok with this, right? Because I can stay home if you don't want to go to Mr. Shue's for any reason at all."
Indecision warred on his face, but he finally nodded. He pointed to me, then signed again. This time I was ready, and I was able to interpret him correctly. He wanted me to be happy. "That's very kind, but I'm not going to be happy if I spend the entire time worrying about you. The certificate doesn't expire, so we can wait until you're ready."
I M. He still didn't look 100% sure, but he obviously wanted to try. "Ok, then. If you change your mind, you can always text me and I'll come pick you up."
No! For god's sake, Kurt, why don't you just give him a bottle and some diapers if you're going to baby him like that? Tell him that he'll be fine, and that you'll see him this evening. He's allowing you to cue him right now, so if you act confident, he'll be confident.
Made sense. "But I'm sure you'll be fine. It's just a few hours, then you and I will have plenty to tell each other later tonight. Unless you want to get a cucumber scrub while you're reading the latest issue of French Vogue. Then you could come with us."
The expression on Finn's face suggested that he would rather boil himself in oil while having his eyes plucked out by parrots then be subjected to that. But I could also tell that he didn't want to offend me by actually saying that, so he just stood there watching me. I tried to hide my laughter. "I'm guessing that that's a no?"
He nodded, still trying to hide his horror. "Good, then, take your shower and thank you again for breakfast."
To my great surprise, Finn had cleaned the kitchen up as well. Actually, now that I thought about it, he had become extremely tidy in all ways. He cleared the table after dinner, I didn't have to scream at him to pick up his dirty clothes or rinse the sink out after he brushed his teeth. He didn't wear his clothes for more then one day in a row, and he even stripped his bed regularly. In other words, he was totally different. I wondered what had made him that way, then thought that maybe it was better that I didn't know after all.
I washed the dishes, humming contentedly to myself. Footsteps sounded on the stairs, and I turned to see my father. "Hi, Dad."
"Hi. You're up early, considering that you're going to be doing all of your showering and moisturizing and shit at the spa." He was yawning as he started the coffee pot. Considering that Dad was the only one who drank regular coffee, and that Finn had taken care of everything else, I had to assume that not doing it was a deliberate snub on Finn's part. I wasn't going to bring that up, though. There was enough going wrong between them without adding more.
"Finn brought me breakfast in bed. I think he's a little excited about going to Mr. Shuester's today."
He fiddled with the coffee maker for a minute before giving me a long look. "Look, Kurt, you know that I don't entirely approve of that, but Finn is Carole's son, and she has the final say. It's just that…Finn will be okay over there, right? That teacher of yours won't do anything to him?"
I was pretty sure that it was too late for any of us to worry about someone abusing Finn. "Yes, Dad, it will be fine. Mr. Shuester's a good guy, and he won't let anything happen to Finn."
"I hope so." Dad's voice told me that he didn't entirely believe me.
If anyone had been this worried about Finn and what he was doing Before, he wouldn't have come up missing in the first place.
That train of thought was interrupted by Carole. "Hey, guys, who's ready for breakfast?"
"I am. Apparently Finn already cooked for himself and Kurt." Dad was already absorbed in the paper.
"He did? Are you sure?" Her eyes went narrow. "I didn't hear the smoke alarm."
So the rumors I had heard from both Puck and Quinn were apparently true. Still, I felt compelled to defend Finn. "He actually did really well. Less bacon would have been nice, but I understand that he has an obsession with pork fat, so I'll let that go. Damn the fact that it doesn't make him gain ten pounds like it does to me."
Carole laughed. "He does have an amazing metabolism. He gets that from his father. Kurt, you do have my work number, right? I know you know the number to the garage, but I want you to be able to get me in an emergency, too."
"I have your work and your cell. But I won't be with Finn, remember? He's going to Mr. Shue's and I'm going with Mercedes."
"I know. But I want you to be as safe as Finn is, and to know that you can always call me if something's wrong." Her eyes met mine as she spoke, and I could see the protectiveness in them.
If it had been Dad, I probably would have screamed. But things were different with Carole, and I smiled instead. "Thank you. I have both numbers." I had always had both numbers, ever since I first found out that Carole and Finn were moving in with us, but I had never really felt like she wanted me to use them. Until now. I crept towards her and wrapped my arms around her body, pressing my face into her shoulder. Her fingers scraped along my back, telling me she understood what I was trying to say, and that she loved me, too.
The stairs creaked, and Finn appeared, his hair still damp from his shower. He bounded over to Carole, giving her an enthusiastic kiss. Dad got a tiny wave, which would have been an improvement if we didn't all know that even the slightest movement on Dad's part would cause him to panic and bolt back down the stairs.
Instead, Dad looked at me. "So, go over today's plans one more time for your old man."
This was more to soothe our nerves then because he genuinely didn't know, but I went along with it. "Finn and I will be leaving in a few minutes, as soon as I get my stuff together. We're going to pick up Mercedes, then drop Finn off at Mr. Shuester's. Mr. Shue will call you when we get there. Then it's off to the spa for Mercedes and I, where we'll be all day. Then we're going out to dinner at Hannah Flannigan's. Finn, I'm assuming that Mr. Shue will feed you. I'll drop Mercedes off, then pick Finn up. You and Carole should go on a date yourselves. Somewhere that isn't Breadstixx, for the love of Prada. Dad, somewhere where Carole can wear that beautiful red dress."
They exchanged looks, and a message passed between them that I couldn't read. It irritated me, because it hadn't been that long ago that I could have read anything that popped up on Dad's face, and now I couldn't. I couldn't always read Finn either, not since he had come back, and I could hardly ever read Carole. I despised not knowing what was going on around me, because being vigilant was the only thing that had kept me alive this long. Knowing who was an ally, who would bully me, and who might actually take things too far was a valuable skill, perfected through necessity.
She cleared her throat. "Actually, we do have a date, but not for dinner. If either one of you need us, don't hesitate to call."
I was curious, and, judging by the look on his face, so was Finn, but the subject was apparently closed. I turned to look at him. "You coming?"
Really, I needn't have asked. With Carole about to leave, there was no way Finn would risk being alone upstairs with my father. He followed me back downstairs and threw himself on the bed, paging through the sign language book. He didn't really seem to be looking for anything, just picking through the pages.
I chatted with him while I dressed, always keeping one eye on Finn. He didn't act uncomfortable, even when I stripped down to my underwear, but he didn't look up either. That meant that the voice was wrong, right? If Finn was interested in me, why would he pass up a chance to ogle the goods?
Finn has other things on his mind at the moment. Be patient, and, for God's sake, Kurt, be gentle. The love will come in time.
My inner voice sounded an awful lot like a bad self help book. I picked a pair of white jeans and a black and white striped top. "How do I look?"
Finn gave me a thumbs up, but he looked troubled. "What's wrong? Too much white? Do I have a stain?" I checked myself out from all angles, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
He shook his head, then crooked one finger in a 'come here' gesture. I sat on the edge of his bed, folding my hands in my lap. "Tell me."
For a few minutes I didn't think he would. He stared at the comforter, one hand idly stroking Wolf's furry mane. Then, without ever raising his eyes, he put up his right hand and started signing. This time he was moving slowly enough that I could understand every letter. P-U-C-K-S D-E-A-D.
Bile rose up in the back of my throat. No one had said anything to Finn about Puck since he came back, since none of us knew how to do so. Never, in my wildest (and most horrible) fantasies, did I imagine that he would try and bring it up to me. Should I lie? Pawn him off on Carole? Call the therapist?
No, no, and no. You know how to handle this.
Except I was afraid. My voice came out surprisingly steady, considering the emotion that threatened to swell it shut. "Are you asking me or telling me?"
He didn't need speech to make his next point clear. The withering look was more then enough. Don't treat me like an idiot, Kurt. We both know that I'm telling you, and we both know that you can handle this correctly.
Once the panic faded, I realized that I did know how to handle this. Finn wanted me to validate his own knowledge, to tell him that his memories were correct. So I reached out and stroked his wrist, feeling the rapid thrumming of the pulse under his skin. "Yes, Finn, Puck is dead."
He nodded once, then stood up. I followed, not sure what was going on. "Do you want to talk more about it?" Was this it? Was he going to finally tell me what we had all wondered about for almost six months?
Only, he didn't. He just started towards the stairs, pointing at the door at the top. "Ok, then." If that single sentence was all that Finn could get out right now, that was ok, right? It was an improvement, and we had seen too few of those so far. At least he remembered what had happened; he hadn't pushed it out of his mind completely.
And he trusted you enough to bring it up. Not Carole, not your father, maybe not even his therapist, but you. That's important, Kurt, so don't screw this up.
Only I didn't know exactly how to keep from screwing it up. If I told Carole that he had brought up Puck, she wasn't going to let him leave the house. Then it would ruin the plans that all four of us had. Plus, Finn would be pissed off that I had told on him. But she was his mother, and she deserved to know. No matter what I picked, someone would be unhappy with me.
Drop Finn off at Mr. Shue's then call her and let her know. Finn will never find out that it was you who blabbed.
Of course he would know that it as me who blabbed. Dr. Hayden had told us that she wasn't allowed to tell us anything he said, and Finn would know that he hadn't told anyone else. But at least we would all get in one good day before it came crashing down.
Finn was waiting patiently at the front door, ready for whatever the day was going to bring. That was good, too. He was trying so hard to confront his fears and it was obvious that the only reason he was considering leaving the house at all was that he loved Mr. Shue so much. I twirled my keys on my finger. "Ready, Cowboy?"
He gave one quick nod, visibly steeling himself for what was to come. "Ok. Dad, Carole, we're leaving!"
I was hoping that Carole wouldn't leave the kitchen or make a big deal out of this. If she did, I was pretty sure that Finn would panic. We were all supposed to be acting normal, and just letting us go would be the best thing for the entire family. Of course, knowing that didn't do much when you're a mother whose child is leaving the house for only the second time since his kidnapping six months earlier.
Though it must have hurt her, she stayed where she was. "Bye boys, have a good time!"
"Bye! Finn says bye, too!" In fact, he had made no such gesture, but I knew that Carole would appreciate hearing it.
Again, Finn needed me to hold his hand on the way out to the car, but he seemed less anxious then before. He was actually looking around our yard like he was interested in the landscaping and the neighbors houses, as opposed to looking for the boogeyman in the corners.
The boogeyman is real, Kurt. Finn knows it and so do you.
The man who had taken Finn wasn't the boogeyman. He was a sick pervert, and he was a killer, but he was just a man. No supernatural demon, no vampire, no Frankenstein's monster. Just a man.
Hitler was just a man, too. Human monsters can be worse and more brutal then fictional ones.
I had nothing to say to that, because the voice was right. I gave my head a quick shake to clear it and tossed my phone over to Finn. "Text Mercedes and let her know that we're on our way."
He was happy to do so, his fingers tapping rapidly over the buttons. The was a brief pause, then the phone flashed once, telling me that she had replied. "Is she ready?"
A nod. "Are you ready?"
This time he actually rolled his eyes while he was nodding. Yes, he was ready, and he was getting tired of being constantly asked about it. "No need to be snippy."
He stuck out his tongue, and I made a playful grab for it. He pulled back quickly, but stuck it out again as soon as he was sure he was out of range. Finn and I had interacted almost constantly since he had come back, but this was the first time I had actually seen him be playful towards me. It was a sweet moment, and I was hoping that it was a good omen for what was coming.
When we pulled up to Mercedes' house, Finn got out and climbed into the backseat, signaling to her that she could sit up front because she was the girl. Since he didn't know the sign for girl, he just made one up, one which involved groping his fake boobs. Mercedes pretended to be horrified, but I could tell that she secretly wanted to laugh. She reached back and patted his shoulder. "Hi, White Boy."
He waved cheerfully, then went back to looking out the window. She and I talked about the difference services we were going to get, arguing over which type of massage was best, and making plans for dinner. Finn listened, but added nothing.
Mr. Shue's apartment was upstairs, so I parked. "'Cedes, I'm going to walk Finn inside, ok? We'll just be a minute. Jump out, Finn."
He seemed eager to go, almost dragging me up the stairs. Mr. Shue greeted us both warmly, and I took a minute to say hi and go back over the plans for today. "You're okay with feeding him both lunch and dinner right?"
"Of course. I have no one else to cook for these days, so I'll be nice to have another person around. What do you think, Finn? Pizza for lunch and fajitas for dinner?"
That was all it took for Finn to ditch me without a second thought. Mr. Shue laughed. "Movies are in the cabinet by the TV, go ahead and pick one." He waited until Finn was out of the room and leaned closer. "Anything I should know?"
It was nice that he hadn't said anything in front of Finn. Finn wasn't stupid, and he understood that people talked around him like there was something wrong with his ears. "Yeah. He brought up Puck this morning. Told me that he knew Puck was dead. He didn't seem that freaked out about it, but he definitely remembers what happened that night. Just keep an eye on him, and call me if anything happens or you need me to come get him."
He just looked at me for a minute, and I was terrified that he was going to back out and I was going to either have to take Finn to the spa or cancel the trip. The thought of him lumbering around the spa, trying to eat tiny cookies and deal with a mud mask was amusing in its own way, but it wasn't realistic.
Finally, he spoke, one hand resting on my shoulder. "Kurt, go with Mercedes and have your fun day, alright? Finn will be fine, I'll be fine, and if there's any problem, I'll call your parents. You go act like a kid for a while, instead of an adult. You know how, I've seen you."
It would be great if I could do that, but I knew that I couldn't. In a twisted way, Finn was mine, my responsibility, my love, and it was hard enough to let him stay here. "I will."
As if our words had summoned him, Finn reappeared in the doorway, a copy of Braveheart clutched in one hand. He seemed a little confused to still see me there. I didn't want to stress him, so I smiled and waved. "Bye, Finn, I'll see you in a few hours."
His sign of 'bye' was accompanied by a look that suggested I needed to get the hell out of there. He was content and wanted Mr. Shue all to himself for a while. I'm capable of taking a hint, so I nodded and turned back down the stairs.
Mercedes was waiting in the car, watching me with poorly disguised curiosity. "How did it go? No crying, no trauma?" Her tone told me that she already knew the answer, and that she just wanted to hear me say it.
"No, Finn was just fine. He was happy and is probably watching Braveheart right now and admiring Mel Gibson before he went all crazy. You were right, he's fine." In my heart, I had known that he would be. This was how I should have started him out before, a trip to a place he was familiar with, with one man who he knew well and trusted. A place that was small enough for him to feel safe in. Not a crowded shopping mall filled with God knows who.
"Good." She rubbed my shoulder and I found myself leaning into her touch. "Now, you can quit worrying about him for just enjoy the day"
Everyone seemed to think that it was just that easy, like I could snap my fingers and turn the worry off. But I was going to try, because I had to. I knew that Mercedes and Dad were worried about Finn getting too dependant on me, which I guessed could happen, but I knew that it was just as likely that I would get too dependant on him, on his needing me, which wouldn't be good either. "Of course." I managed to project my voice in a way that sounded confident instead of worried.
"Great. So, where do we start?"
I forced Finn to the back of my mind. I could do this. "I was thinking we start with the massages, just to get rid of all the tension, and go from there?" I hated that I had become tentative and unsure of myself, especially with Mercedes.
"Sounds good." She turned the radio on low, and we spend the rest of the drive debating whether or not I should go back to the Cheerios, and what songs would be good to try in Glee next year, provided we could recruit some new members. Neither one of us brought up Finn, or whether or not he would be able to come back to school at all, much less the Glee Club.
Once we got there, it was easier to forget Finn for a little while. Actually, by the time the first massage was done, and I was so relaxed I had all but poured myself to the floor; it was easy to forget my own first name. Then came the mud masks, and the facials and this was heaven on earth, the only heaven I believed in.
Still, by the time we were both getting exfoliating scrubs, the nerves were back full force. Would Mr. Shue try me first if there was a problem, or would he get Carole and Dad? If Carole was still shopping, Dad wasn't going to know what to do. Maybe I should call and check up on him.
No, you shouldn't. Your father isn't a stupid man. If Mr. Shue calls, he knows that he should get Carole instead of trying to deal with Finn himself. Take a deep breath, enjoy some chocolate dipped fruit, and leave Finn alone. He's fine.
That voice hadn't steered me wrong yet, so I nodded weakly. This was my special time with Mercedes, and it wasn't fair for me to be constantly thinking about Finn.
We took a break for a light lunch about 2, during which we argued about whether or not Rachel would come back from France with an even more horrible wardrobe (of course), If American Idol should have another season, or just quit now (I'm a big believer in going out while you're on top), and if Karofsky was actually just a homophobic asshole, or in the closet (I thought he was an asshole, Mercedes swore she saw him look at Puck's butt one day). It was strange that she and I could mention Puck's name without breaking down, like we had at first. Slowly but surely, the pain was receding. It would never go away entirely, but we were making progress.
For a few minutes we were quiet, just eating and thinking our own thoughts. Then she put a hand under my chin and gently pulled my head up. "Finn will be ok. Maybe not the same as he was before, but he'll make it through."
I wished I could believe that. That Finn had a chance, despite it all, of finishing highs school and making a life for himself. That he wasn't going to be confined to the basement for the rest of his life, afraid of every little sound. Unfortunately, not much that had happened so far was giving me a lot of hope. Why wasn't Finn better then he was? But I couldn't tell her that, so I forced a smile. "I know. He's tough."
Tough enough to make it through Puck's death, through whatever that man did to him, and home again. Tough enough to do all that without totally losing his mind, just parts of it. And Kurt? It's not over yet. He's going to have to be tough enough to face what's coming, and that's going to be the hardest part of all.
I was still trying to figure out what that could possibly mean when I felt something hard pushed into my hand. I looked down, surprised to see my cell phone. Mercedes rolled her eyes. "Call him."
I tried to salvage my dignity. "No. Finn's perfectly fine; Mr. Shue would have called if he wasn't." My fingers tightened on the phone even as I tried to make myself give it back.
"Do it or I will hurt you. You look like I've killed your puppy, and this is supposed to be a fun day." She didn't really sound angry, and I was willing to bet that there was a part of her that was as worried about Finn as I was.
My traitorous fingers dialed before I could stop them. The phone rang once, twice, three times….then a voice picked up. "This is Will Shuester."
"Hi, it's Kurt." I could feel my face flushing as I spoke. It was embarrassing to be speaking to him, to have him know that I needed Finn far more then he needed me. "I was just making sure that Finn's alright."
Luckily he didn't make a big deal out of it. "Hi, Kurt. Finn's doing great. We had pizza for lunch, and now he's helping me sort the sheet music for next year. Do you want to talk to him?"
"Can he hear you right now?" If Finn knew I was calling up and checking on him after just a few hours, he would be irritated. But if he could hear me, and knew that I had called and not wanted to speak to him, his feelings would be hurt.
"No, he's in the living room." Mr. Shue must have understood where I was going with this, because his voice dropped a bit. "I'm guessing that this should be a secret call?"
A part of me felt bad for doing this to Finn, but the larger part knew that it was for the best. "Please. I don't want him to feel smothered."
"I'll do that. Should I expect you about 7?" Before I could reply he cut himself off. "Hang on, Mom. Finn, don't file anything under 'the'. Just go with the second word, ok? Alright, let me know if you have any other questions."
My heart stuttered when I heard a soft sound. Had Finn just talked? "Did he say something?"
"What? No, it was just one of my students tapping on the doorframe." He sounded so unbearably sad that I regretted bringing it up at all. I knew that I wasn't the only one wishing that Finn would get better.
"Thanks again, Mr. Shuester. I'll let you know when we're on our way."
"No problem, Mom, I'll see you later and have a good time at the casino." He hung up.
Mercedes lasted about 10 seconds before she had to ask. "So, he's ok?"
"Yeah. He's helping Mr. Shue alphabetize sheet music. Slave labor, you know."
"I'm sure he's getting paid in food. Anyway, does Finn know his entire alphabet?" Her voice was teasing.
"Know it? Yes. Is he capable of putting things in the correct order? Doubtful." I could never understand how Finn could verbally alphabetize things, and do it very well, but be hopeless when it came to the doing. She laughed, and I saw my best friend again, the one that I had been neglecting. "Have I told you how much I love you today?"
She wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "I'm over you, sweetie. But I love you, too, in the most platonic way possible."
"I'm sorry I've been so caught up in Finn's drama that I've been ignoring you." I didn't know how to make her understand how much I appreciated her presence, from the moment Finn came up missing, up until this morning.
"You haven't been ignoring me, and, let's face it; you and Finn need each other. Maybe not in the way you would like it, but he's definitely looking at you different now."
So I wasn't the only one who noticed. "I think it's just that I'm the only one who understands him most of the time. Carole tries, but she works a lot and it's hard for her to spend as much time with him as I do."
Her eyes narrowed, and I was struck with the sudden thought that this was exactly what the voice in my head would look like if it were human. It was spooky. "I think it's more then that. I don't know exactly what it is, but more then just you knowing what he wants."
Hear! Hear! Finn wants Kurt to-"
I gave the voice a mental shut down before it could complete that thought. The worst part was, I wasn't sure if I was hoping that Finn was completely attracted to me, or that he wasn't. Everything was so confusing right now that I could barely breathe. "I think you're imagining things."
"And I think you're in denial. But, whatever, you do whatever makes you happy and keeps you from getting that deer in the headlights look." She stood up. "Are you ready for the sauna?"
"Certainly." She wouldn't let this go for long, but I was grateful for even a small reprieve.
Wuss
I might have been able to shut Mercedes up, but I couldn't turn off my own brain. It continued to nag at me, until I was forced to speak. Luckily I could blame my flush on the heat from the sauna. "Mercedes?" She gave me a look that was half curious, half knowing. "Do you really think that Finn looks at me differently now?" I thought so, but I had a history of reading things into Finn's actions that weren't actually there.
"Of course he does. It's like…like you're a stranger to him now."
Well, that was reassuring. "Thanks, Mercedes, that helps." I muttered dryly.
She huffed. "No, not like that. It's not like he doesn't know who you are, he knows that you're Kurt; it's more like he's trying to figure out what that means. What you mean to him now, as opposed to what you meant to him…well, before."
I wondered if 'Before' had a capital letter in her mind, too. "What do you think I mean to him?"
She looked at me for a long time, her expression a mixture of pity and sadness. "I don't know, Kurt. Hell, you don't know, and you live with him. What I do know is that you need to move carefully. Neither one of us should assume that he wants anything at all. Just be still and let him come to you."
"That's what I keep doing. I keep letting him approach me, and let him do what he thinks is right, but not pushing him at all, but he never gets any better. I mean, shouldn't something be different by now?"
I was whining, and I knew exactly how unattractive that was, but I couldn't help it. She shrugged. "He's out of the house, away from you, and he seems to be doing pretty damn well. That sounds different then it was before."
She had a point. "I want too much, don't I?" That was my problem, I always wanted too much. But when I had spent most of my life having nothing, it was hard not to cling desperately when I actually got close to something I wanted.
There was pause, and I could tell she was trying to figure out a tactful way to say what she wanted to. Finally, she came up with something. "I wouldn't say that you want too much, nessacerily, but maybe you want it too fast. You need to let things happen at their own pace instead of trying to push them to happen at your pace. Finn's improving all the time, and pushing him is only going to backfire."
"I guess that makes sense." I couldn't make her understand my sense or urgency in the matter, because I didn't really understand it myself. I just had the unsettling sense that I needed to get Finn on my side soon, that we were going to need that bond, or it would be too late.
Too late for what?
I didn't know that either, and the worry made my stomach clench. I spent the rest of the day playing the part, but most of the fun had gone out of the day. Despite my best efforts, I was pretty sure that Mercedes noticed, but she didn't say anything about it. I had to force myself to enjoy what should have been a fun and special day.
I did perk up for dinner, which was Chinese. I seldom got to eat it at home, because Dad didn't like it. I had had high hopes when he started bringing Carole and Finn around, but it turned out that Finn was allergic to MSG, and he couldn't eat it either. Carole had taken me out for it twice, and, while I had never told her so, I had appreciated the gesture.
In a rare gesture, Mercedes offered me her fortune cookie, so I could take it home to Finn. "I know he likes them, because he always tries to mooch them off Puck." Then what had she said sunk in. "I guess I mean that he always tried to mooch them off Puck. That isn't going to happen any more."
No, it wouldn't. But he could mooch my fortune cookies, which was kind of the same, right?
No, because it's not about the cookies.
I knew that it wasn't about the cookies, but I had no idea how to even begin solving Finn's larger problems, so I had to stick with what I could fix. "So, are we ready to go pick him up?" Mr. She would have called if there was an issue, but it was nearly six now, and I was sure that the man was tired of being Finn's entertainment.
"Yeah, we're ready." We had already paid, so we walked together out the front door. She smiled at me. "Do you want to call him or should I?"
"I'll do it." I dialed from memory, all but bouncing on my toes as I waited for Mr. Shue to pick up.
"Hi, Kurt, are you on your way home?" At my affirmative, he continued on. "Finn and I just sat down to dinner, so we should be finishing up right when you get here. Did you have a good time at the spa?"
"I did, thank you again for the certificate. Do the two of you need a little more time to eat?" I was desperately hoping that he would say no. Maybe Mercedes claiming that Finn and I were getting codependent wasn't as far off the mark as I had wanted to think it was.
"No, we should be fine. Oh, wait, Finn wants to talk to you. Hang on a second." There was s shuffling, and, just like always, I hoped that Finn would pick up the phone and just start jabbering away at me. He didn't but I could hear his breathing on the line, so I knew he had picked up. "Hey, Cowboy, how's it going?"
Yeah, because he can answer that.
I backed up and tried again. "I'm guessing that it went well. I'll be there in about an hour, so eat quick, which shouldn't be a problem for you. Mercedes brought you a present, too." That would make him happy, and, sure enough, his breathing increased. "I'll see you, Finn, ok?" There was a series of beeps, which made me think he was pressing the buttons on the phone. "I'll take that as a yes. Bye." I hung up the phone and sighed deeply.
There wasn't anything else for either Mercedes or I to say, so I put the car in drive and turned the radio on. Lady Gaga was playing, but hearing her only reminded me that that was the last project that we had worked on in Glee. Well, I had worked on it. Finn had insisted on doing KISS.
And he looked so damn good doing it.
Yes he had. I forced that thought out of my mind, though, because I was not going to fall into the same trap of perving on my brother. That last night of Before, he had made it very clear that he wasn't the slightest bit interested in me.
The voice fell silent at that, and remained silent for the rest of the ride. Mercedes and I talked, and made plans to get together with the rest of the club in a few days. Rachel would be back from France soon, and I was dreading the inevitable confrontation between us when she found out that Finn was back. We had debated telling her, but if we did, she would come rushing home and totally overwhelm him. There were parts of Rachel I liked, and parts that I didn't like but did respect, and parts that I hated, but she did everything with maximum drama, and Finn didn't need any of that.
She would probably try and make him sing it out, which could only end in disaster. Or maybe not. Rachel was stubborn, but, ever since we got him back, Finn was attempting to redefine the term. I was pretty sure that she wasn't going to be able to force him to do anything, but it might be funny to watch her try. I said that to Mercedes, who started laughing. "If I wasn't so sure that it would only end up freaking him out, I would pay to see it."
That broke some of the tension in the car, and we were able to keep up an easy conversation for the rest of the ride. It was nice to have it just be the two of us again. I hated to talk in front on Finn like he wasn't even present, since so many people did that, but I knew that he had no interest in 90% of what she and I wanted to talk about.
Mercedes gave me a kiss when she got out of the car. "Call me when you get to Shuester's, ok? I need to know you're alright."
We always called each other when we got somewhere now. If that rule had been in effect Before, it might not have saved Puck, but we would have called the police a lot sooner, and maybe we would have been able to keep that man from taking Finn out of Lima. "Of course."
I kept singing on my way to Mr. Shue's, mostly to keep myself company. I was so seldom alone these days that it felt strange not to look over and see another person looking back at me. I didn't like the feeling, especially knowing that whoever took Finn might still be out there, waiting for another chance.
I knocked on the door, only to hear Mr. Shue calling me and telling me that the door was open. The pair of them were doing the dishes side by side, but when Finn saw me he bounced over for an enthusiastic hug. His hands were wet and soapy, leaving spots on my shirt, but I hugged him back as tightly as I could. He grunted a little as the air left his lungs, but didn't let go. I nodded at Mr. Shue, who was watching us with an interested look. "Did the two of you have fun?"
Finn nodded happily, and Mr. Shue smiled. "We did. Thanks to Finn, we managed to get almost all of the sheet music for next year organized. It's nice to have some company around here." He smiled paternally at Finn, who all but melted at the gesture. Why was it that he was too terrified of Dad to even make eye contact, but would do anything for Mr. Shue?
I had been released from Finn's tight grip, but he still had one hand resting on my back, as if to reassure himself that, yes, I was still here, that I had actually come back for him like I said I would. I knew that Mr. Shue noticed, but he didn't call any attention to it. "Finn, you've been a great help today, and feel free to come by any time. Kurt, you can come by as well. If you need to go, I can finish the dishes up myself since there're only a few left."
"Thank you Mr. Shue, for everything. I'm sure that Finn's mother is dying to see him and make sure that he's alright." At my side, Finn gestured a 'thank you' and 'goodbye' of his own.
Finn still wanted me to go down the stairs first, presumably so I could check everything out and make sure it was safe for him, but he didn't seem as hesitant to follow has he had been before. Actually, he was almost leaping down the stairs after me, flushed and overexcited. This had been good for him, a positive experience that would hopefully negate some of the negative ones he had recently had.
Once we were in the car, seatbelts on, he held out his hand, asking for something. I stared in confusion. "What?"
He signed a quick 'M' and held his hand out again. "What do you-oh, you want your present from Mercedes?" I rummaged in my bag until I found the fortune cookie, slightly cracked but not crushed. "Here you go."
It was just a cookie, but Finn acted like it was the greatest thing he had ever been given. That was one thing that I had always admired about him. He was happy to have the smallest thing, as happy with a cookie as he would have been with a diamond. His ability to enjoy the little things in life was beyond precious and probably a lesson I should be taking notes in.
He opened the wrapper and broke the cookie in half, teasing the paper fortune out and putting it in his pocket without looking. Then he offered me a piece of the cookie. I took it, even though my thighs would be punishing me for it later. He crunched happily, then made gestures to ask about my day. "Fantastic. There were massages and cucumber masks and pedicures and-"I went on and on, until Finn's eyes were starting to get that glazed over look that suggested he wished he hadn't asked in the first place.
Dad and Carole were waiting for us when we got home, both of them trying not to be obvious about it, and both of them failing miserably. "Hi, boys, did you both have good days?" Carole wrapped her arms around Finn and kissed the top of his head as she spoke.
He nodded contentedly and nuzzled up against her, obviously happy to be home. She looked over his head and held out an arm for me, too. I went to her, and she squeezed me quickly, pulling my body so it was against Finn's for a brief second. "You smell good; did you have a good time at the spa?"
Need she even ask? "I did. It was really, really great to see Mercedes again, and we got to spend the entire day together. It was perfect. What did the two of you do tonight?"
Dad cleared his throat. "We went down to Home Depot so we could start looking at plans for the addition." He gestured to a pile of papers on the table. "We found 5 that could work, so Finn, you can pick which one you like best."
Finn didn't want to choose any of them, I could tell. He didn't want to sleep in an addition, alone and away from the rest of the family. He might still not be thrilled with sharing the basement with me, but it was still better then having to be by himself.
To my surprise, Dad read Finn's face, even though my brother refused to look at him. "I will probably take a few months to get everything up and functional, and if you change your mind and would rather keep sharing with Kurt, it's fine. But now that this family has doubled in size, we need more room. If you don't want to sleep in it, I'll move my office in there. Plus, we need another bathroom."
That we certainly did. I knew that I took forever in the downstairs bathroom, and Carole needed the upstairs one to get ready for work, which left Finn and Dad at loose ends. It wasn't so bad now, since Finn and I didn't need to be anywhere early, but once school started again, it was going to be hard.
Do you honestly thing Finn's going to be attending school in September? Kurt, that's just a few weeks away.
Shut up. I wasn't going to acknowledge that the voice was probably right, that Finn wasn't going to make it back into school by the beginning of the year, but there was always hope. The materials for him to make up the end of his sophomore year had arrived, and we were going to start working on them tomorrow, as soon as possible.
Finn glanced over at me, and I gave him my most encouraging smile. "I think it sounds great. Bring them over here and we'll decide which one is most complementary to both the structure and flow of the existing structure."
He didn't understand me, of course, but he didn't have to. He understood what I was really saying, which was that I wanted him to come over and sit by me; away from Dad, and that I would help him make the choice.
Carole looked at both of us as Finn gathered the papers up and came to sit next to me, and I was a little unnerved by the intensity of her gaze. She knew something was different between us, just like Mercedes had. What was it that they could both see and I couldn't?
Then Finn was at my side, his shoulder touching mine as he spread out the different floor plans. He smelled good, and I wanted nothing more then to lean into him and take a quick inhale. I didn't though, because, while Finn might not notice, both of our parents certainly would. So I made myself sit down and look over the plans. "Ok, Finn, ready to go over these?"
His smiled and gave me a quick thumbs up, looking so much like his old self that I felt a pang somewhere in the vicinity of my heart. Finn was going to be ok, I knew he was.
Of course he will
I wished I could believe it.