Who We Are, Who We Want To Be

"Dis is de end... Ab. Ab! Ab!"

"Ger..."

"...n."

"Have you come to kill me?"

"I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be."

"...no..."

"I'm so sorry."

'I've stopped having any other dreams. The only dream I have nowadays is the one I can barely remember. Writing it down only helps so much. I can remember the house. I am in a house, the embers left of the fire that has likely just consumed it. I am waiting for another Nation to come and kill me.

And he does.

Blackie and Aster are there. I make them leave. I had this dream before I had them though. Is this my mind trying to turn me crazy? My mind adding things I actually know so I loose my grip on the fact it is only a dream?

It is only a dream. Right?

Such a curious dream...'

"Do you... Do you remember your dreams?" Ludwig asked Feliciano as he threw the ball down the hill, both dogs running after it.

"Ve~" Feliciano flopped from side to side, taking a few steps down to try and grab the ball. Aster tended to run him over and Blackie would keep him down by licking his face. Ludwig would usually end up laughing even though he knew he should be scolding the dogs and helping Feliciano up.

Now that was a question. Should he continue doing as he wanted to do? Or should he do as he knew he should do? The former was what he wanted, but... sometimes...

Sometimes he felt as though he should be paying more attention to the rules he had set up for himself when he was younger.

"Sometimes," Feliciano responded. "Last night I had a dream that my brother grew this giant tomato and it began chasing me. I ran to Hungary and she beat it away with a pan. Then Romano started crying. Actually... that sounds like something that could happen. Scary." Feliciano shivered, reaching out and grabbing the ball as Blackie dropped it in front of him.

"Tomatoes... don't chase," Ludwig reminded Feliciano. Just in case he had forgotten. Ludwig was never sure.

"Shows what you know!" Feliciano retorted as he threw the ball. It did not go far. Part of the reason Ludwig decided they were better off on top of the hill. At least it still went somewhere. "Tomatoes chase. Especially when Nations throw them at you. But then Romano gets mad. Waste of tomatoes, he says. I would agree... but food fights can be so much fun! Especially when you can eat the food."

Aster brought the ball to where Ludwig was sitting. He took it, stood up, and threw it into the distance, watching as both dogs ran after. Feliciano took a few steps so that he was at Ludwig's side.

"You're taller than me."

Ludwig looked back at Feliciano. Looked down at Feliciano. "I am," he responded, almost surprised by the realization. Funny how he had not noticed before. He was not taller by much, but he was still taller. It almost seemed like just the other day Feliciano would pull him into his regular hugs and Ludwig would find his face in Feliciano's neck. Now...

"Don't grow any more!" Feliciano complained, grabbing him tight in a hug. Ludwig found himself slightly sliding down the hill and so sat down before he would end up rolling down. Feliciano easily sat down next to him, never letting up on his hug. Not that Ludwig minded.

Well, except for the hair that was nearly in his face. That single strand of hair.

"Vell... I can't really control dat. Can I?" Ludwig questioned as Feliciano finally loosened his grip up enough so Ludwig could breathe.

That hair. Ludwig brought his hand up so he could push it out of the way.

"I don't know, maybe?" Feliciano was mumbling into his shoulder.

Ludwig grabbed the hair and tried to push it out of his face.

Feliciano kissed him.

Ludwig did not know what to do. This was wrong, he should not be doing this. He knew that. If Roderich ever found out he would be so dead. How he would find out Ludwig had no idea. Still, Ludwig found these thoughts running through his mind as he ended up with his back flat on the grass and the Italian moving on top of him, straddling him and never once breaking contact with his lips.

Was that a moan or a whimper which escaped him? Then rethought that. He was not the only one making those noises. Did that make it more or less embarrassing...? With Feliciano's tongue in his mouth, hand in his hair, kissing him! Well, with his tongue in his mouth that was implied.

None of that mattered though, if he could just stop thinking. If he just stopped thinking, he could think about how this was absolutely perfect.

Yes...

Feliciano pulled back, both of them panting and flushed. At least, Ludwig guessed he was flushed because if he was not it would be a very big surprise.

"He he... wow," Feliciano giggled, looking down at him with a smile. Ludwig tried to think of something to say, something quickly, something that would work for this moment...

But there was nothing. This was not something he had prepared for.

"Are you okay?"

"Uh..." Ludwig swallowed, trying to think. All that came to mind was that Feliciano probably always tasted like pasta. That... and how he would really like to taste more of it. "Ja."

Feliciano's smile vanished almost instantly. "Oh. Oh no. I didn't... oh no." Just like that he moved away from Ludwig, allowing the dazed youth to sit up.

"Feliciano?" Ludwig asked slowly.

"I shouldn't have..." Feliciano backed away, tears springing to his eyes. "I didn't mean to! Oh no! I'm so sorry Ludwig!"

"You're crying! I'm sorry... Vhat...?" Ludwig rose to his feet. And Feliciano ran. "I'm sorry! Feliciano! Feliciano!" But the other did not stop, leaving Ludwig there alone. "Vhat? Vhat did I do vrong? I'm sorry!"

But Ludwig was left without any answers.

"Mmm... Roderich..."

"Yes... ah, yes... my dear?"

Hungary grinned down where she had effectively pinned Austria down on his desk. "I thought..." she was cut off as his mouth covered a particularly vital region. "Oooh... Roderich... I thought you had to... wooork..."

"I am," he responded breathlessly, reaching for her blouse. Which was right as Hungary's door senses went off.

"Ludwig's home," she explained as she got off of him. Austria groaned, the back of his head hitting the desk as she buttoned her top and smoothed down her skirt. She leaned over and kissed him, Austria reciprocating without moving anything but his mouth. She managed to smooth her hair back into a presentable state before breaking the kiss and leaving the room.

Her pace quickened down the stairs when she heard the soft crying.

"Ludwig?" she asked as she headed toward the kitchen. Ludwig was there, standing in front of the oven with tears streaming down his face. "Oh, darling... what's wrong?"

"I... I don't... know," Ludwig's words were choked out. Hungary reached and wrapped her arms around him. "He just... ant den..."

"Shh..." He leaned his head on top of hers and she rocked him back and forth, slowly. "Take deep breaths." He seemed to try, but each attempt had a hitch. Still, he had calmed down slightly. "Now, what happened?"

"Feliciano kissed me."

Hungary's mind nearly shut off. Italy? The man knew better! At least, not to do something like this yet, right? Hungary doubted she would have thought this any other time. But, obviously from Ludwig's current state, he had not taken it well. She found some of the hope in her mind dwindling.

"Ant den he... he ran avay. I d-don't know vhat I did vrong."

And it all was back. Hungary sighed into his shoulder. "Did you ask him?"

"He r-ran avay," Ludwig sniffed. "I coultn't."

"How did you react?" Hungary tried to keep her voice soothing. She was asking so as to be objective, not so she could hear about his kiss with Italy. Fix what was wrong first and there would be lots of time to ask about their kisses.

"I..." Ludwig's words drifted away for a moment. "Didn't... really. I didn't know vhat to to."

"Maybe he was worried that meant you were rejecting him," Hungary suggested, even though she knew better. No, this was about Germany. She should see Italy. Tell him what she knew. Tell him that she was almost positively certain this was who they thought they saw. Tell him...

Her Ludwig was the cause of so many horrible things?

"I don't... dink dat vas de case..." Ludwig said slowly, but he was considering it. "Vhat... vhat shoult I do, Elizaveta? I don't know..."

"You should see him again and talk," Hungary said firmly, right as she heard the door upstairs opening. Her voice lowered. "Now go and clean yourself up. Don't want Roderich suspecting anything!"

With a few quick nods Ludwig rushed away with the dogs following. Austria came down the stairs, glancing after Ludwig. "Well. Did he say anything interesting happen?"

"He's not muddy," Hungary grinned at him, which is when she remembered that one package from Christmas. From England. She should talk to Ludwig about that.

But not now. Hungary was aware she was procrastinating with the confrontation, but now would not be a good time. Now definitely.

What would be the best thing to say? Funny, Ludwig knew exactly what it was he wanted to say to Feliciano. At least, he knew the first thing he wanted to tell him, if not anything else after that. He wanted to tell Feliciano about something he had not told anyone else.

He left Aster and Blackie outside as he went in through the back door of the closed restaurant.

"De first ding I ever knew vas a children's song."

Feliciano gasped, but did not turn away from the stove. Ludwig continued to merely stand behind him, hands behind his back as he looked straight over the top of Feliciano's head.

"Bunt, bunt, bunt sind alle meine Kleider, bunt, bunt, bunt ist alles, was ich hab.Darum lieb ich alles, was so bunt ist..." Ludwig stopped singing, his fear coming out through his voice. "I'd... I'd been living vith Roderich and Elizaveta for a few months by dat point, but I don't remember anyding before dat..."

That melody in his mind, haunting his thoughts before he even remembered being able to see, hear, smell, touch, taste... It had always been comforting. Something he could retreat back to. Something which would always be the same. That song had kept him from simply staying in his room. It had kept him from being afraid of Austria and Hungary when he first realized they were there. It had kept him so... sane.

Feliciano turned around to face him. He was sniffing, to supposedly keep himself from crying, and his eyes did not meet Ludwig's.

"I was in love," Feliciano cleared his throat, looking down at the floor. "With a friend."

Ludwig began to feel sick. "De... de friend dat just up ant left?"

"Yeah," Feliciano shuffled his feet. "For a while I thought everyone was lying that he was... gone. I thought... maybe... he would come back. He gave me this." With that, Feliciano reached under his collar and pulled out a necklace, an iron cross dangling at the end of it. Ludwig felt as if his stomach was twisting.

Er liebt mich nicht?

"Then I met you," Feliciano started to cry. "And... and I don't know what to think anymore! Because I love you! But... but..." Feliciano wiped the tears from his eyes, but to really no avail.

"Do I... I remind you of... him?" Ludwig took a step back. He should not have come. He should not have bothered.

"Well... yes," Feliciano said very quietly, before he shook his head violently. "But that's not it! Ludwig, that's not why I love you!" He took a step forward and grabbed Ludwig by the front of his jacket. "I love you because of how you are. Just because... because some of those things he had too mean nothing. Except for I like the trait, I guess. Please Ludwig."

Ludwig had no idea what to think. But bending down and kissing him seemed like a good first step.

He loved him.

He loved him.

And while Ludwig had no idea why that should mean so much to him, he did not care. All he knew was that if Feliciano did not love him, he would have no idea what to do with himself. Was that really too consuming of him? Ludwig did not know. He did not care.

He just knew he should really stop thinking, because his head felt as though it were splitting.

Feliciano wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing him like... hell if Ludwig knew how to describe it. Maybe though, maybe if he wrapped his arms around Feliciano as well Feliciano would never leave him. Why did he think Feliciano might leave him?

Ludwig again had no clue. But the thought scared him beyond anything.

Feliciano had him pressed up against the wall by the time he stopped kissing him. Ludwig did not know what other words would fit here, but by the way Feliciano was simply leaning against him, he supposed there were no words for right now. Of which he was relieved for.

He had once asked Elizaveta about how she and Roderich had managed to stay together. It was after he had heard how long it had been since they had fallen in love. It had been for so long, he could not believe it.

"Can you really explain love?"

That was true. Ludwig could not even begin to explain how he felt right now. Was he supposed to be so dizzy? His head was pounding, though his heart was not.

And strange, he could not remember being happier in his entire life.

Up until the point when he remembered Roderich. Feliciano seemed to come to a similar realization.

"Spain will be so mad." His voice was muffled into Ludwig's chest, but Ludwig could hear him clearly. "An' Lovi... Lovino might kill me."

"I can't efen tell Mister Roderich I know you. He'd flip," Ludwig said tonelessly. Elizaveta would understand. She would condone it too. But Roderich... Ludwig wanted so badly to believe that Roderich would understand, that Roderich would be happy for him. But Roderich did not want him meeting Nations. Neither did Elizaveta – if the fact someone had hidden his present from England was any telling. Italy happened to be an exception for a reason Ludwig did not know.

And he had just been so happy.

"Let's run away."

He almost was not certain he heard the words.

"Right now."

It sounded ridiculous.

"Ludwig?"

"Ve're Nations." Ludwig had never been sure of what all that implied, but he knew that meant they were different from Humans. Different from life. Some things no one else could do but they – and other things they would never be able to. "Can ve really do dat?"

"No. No we can't," Feliciano responded with missing a beat. Ludwig stared at the wall. The strangest thing was that he could only think of one response to those words. So he said it.

"Den let's go."

Feliciano slipped his hand into Ludwig's glove. As they ran out the door, the only thing Ludwig could think was that he was no longer dizzy.

Gilbert wanted to kill something.

"North Germany? Are you serious?"

The almighty Prussia was not going to be known as North Germany! North Germany and New Germany? Did anyone even think when they were naming them? Or was there and end to that all those years back and no one could think creatively anymore? It was not a bad name, necessarily, but Gilbert hated it. Why could he not just stay as Prussia? Other than the obvious reasons, of course. Still... sign the papers, be official. Gilbert was North Germany. Just like he had, less officially, once been East Germany.

If that was not some type of foreshadowing to him, he had no idea what was.

He really wanted to know what Ludwig would think about it though. He knew Hungary would laugh at him (apologetically) and Roderich would snicker and tease him mercilessly. But as for Ludwig... Gilbert frowned down at his phone. Had Ludwig's phone ran out of batteries? Roderich was so pushy that he never turn it off...

Which is how Gilbert found himself heading south through Hamburg. Which is when he saw them. Actually, he saw Blackie first. Then he saw them.

"You're already tired?"

"I... don't... like... running."

"But you ran avay so fast before!"

"Running away is different, Ludwig!"

"I dought ve vere running avay?"

"Oh yeah."

"Oh vhat?" Gilbert asked them. Feliciano let out a small squeak and Ludwig stiffened up like... a board. Or Germany, but Gilbert tried not to think that way. Both looked extremely like children with their hands caught in the cookie jar. Actually, both like children caught with the cookie all over their faces. "Running away?"

Gilbert was doing his very best to sound a bit angry, when all he wanted to do was laugh at them. It was... really just so... sad?

Ludwig really did just look like how Germany did when he was in trouble.

Ludwig was with Italy.

New Germany was with North Italy.

That was all the Nation-formally-known-as-Prussia needed to believe this really was Germany. And it was so hard not to start laughing.

"Ve v-vere... j-just..." Ludwig stuttered.

"A joke! Ha ha!" Feliciano tried to sound bright and oblivious. He succeeded. Unfortunately he had Ludwig right next to him and Ludwig was failing miserably at pretending that was the case. Gilbert sighed, right as his eyes caught sight of their hands.

So that was how it was.

Ludwig was with Feliciano.

"It'll be late soon," Gilbert drawled, staring up toward the sky. "You'd better be goin' off home."

"Y-you von't tell–" Ludwig started. Gilbert cut him off.

"I didn't see anyding."

"But..." Feliciano started, somewhat quiet. Gilbert really wanted to slap the both of them.

"I've never seen anyding," he continued. "Ant I never vill. Got it?"

"You're blind? Oh no!" Feliciano gasped.

Ludwig groaned. "He's telling us he von't tell anyone if ve go home now."

Gilbert snickered. The entire awesomeness of his words was dwindled by the fact that Ludwig had to explain it, but it did not stop the fact that Ludwig obviously thought he was awesome for saying it in the first place.

"See ya later, chickies," Gilbert gave them both a wave, walking off.

Ludwig was with Feliciano. Gilbert could not stop grinning. If that did not tell him that Ludwig was his brother, nothing would.

'Er liebt mich nicht?' = 'He doesn't love me?'