Lissen up ya gits, dis be da Orferz Note! Dis chapta be a littul wun, an is jus' a kerlekshun of littul writey bitz dat didunt turn inta 'ole chaptaz on dere own. Nex' chapta gonna be a biggun. Also, if you'z wantin' moar Orky goodnus, chekk out da B.R.P.D - Big Rok Polees Departmunt by da Tau22.

Humie inturnetz addrez:

s/9565818/1/BRPD-Big-Rok-Polees-Departmunt

Orky inturnetz addrez:

lettaz :/ wurldwidewebz . fanficshun . ork / s / numbaz / BRPD-Big-Rok-Polees-Departmunt

SUM RANDOM PLANNIT

It was a testament to how bored Sheppurt's crew were that they had jumped on Wrex's fetch quest with such boundless enthusiasm.

"WAAAGH!"

Sheppurt spun around, crushing a Salarian's ribcage with his klobburin' stikk while his speshul snikky slugga spat a volley of bullets into the skull of a surprised looking Batarian at point blank range. Not to be out-done on his own mission, Wrex managed to decapitate two pirates with a single swing of his chainaxe, multicoloured fountains of gore jetting everywhere as the bodies fell haphazardly.

Behind the two colossal aliens who seemed to be enjoying their 'gnarliest kill' competition, Tali tapped her Omnitool, powering up her new dakka drone. The poor thing was barely recognisable as a former camera drone, the high resolution camera and microphone replaced by what Tali described as a twin-linked heavy machine gun, and what Ash had described as 'dubbel big shootas, zoggin' kom ... kompun ... makin' up fer sumfink'. The ammunition drum dangled underneath the drone, making up almost sixty per cent of its total mass, and a burna provided close range flame attacks where necessary. The crew had assumed Tali would name her little drone something cute, so it was to the great surprise of all and sundry when she proudly christened it the Fisty Boomin' Gitpuncha, Puncha for short.

"Go for the everywhere, Puncha!"

Bleeping an electronic battle cry, the drone opened fire, spraying bullets all over the room as a veritable torrent of shell casings spewed out of a port on the left side of the hovering deathbot. Unprepared for the onslaught of what was effectively a double barrelled heavy machine gun with hover engines, the pirates standing between the crew and Wrex's ancient armour were swiftly cut to shreds.

"Here it is, Sheppurt. What a piece of crap. Let's get out of here."

ANUVVA RANDUM PLANNIT

"Zog off!"

The pyjak squealed as it sailed through the air, having been subjected to a brutal drop kick from Kadun. Liara made a little disapproving noise but had to admit she was tempted to do the same thing. The Council had sent Sheppurt after a courier drone carrying sensitive information that had been downed on some random planet populated exclusively by pyjaks, some of which had clearly made off with the data module they were after. The resultant wild squig chase was driving the entire crew to distraction.

"Nuffink 'ere, boss. Wot 'bout you, Spiky?"

Garrus grimaced as he extracted his boot from a heap of pyjak shit.

"Nothing."

Liara snapped her power klaw open and shut a few times in exasperation.

"Nothing here either. On to the next nest?"

High above the surface of Eletania, Wrex brought the Deffkopta around with a quick nudge of the controls. He had been surprised when Sheppurt asked him to fly the kopta for that mission, but he didn't complain. Krogan might not like using vehicles, but most made an exception for Ork vehicles.

"Olrite ... I's seein' wun moar pyjak 'ouse. Looks loik an ol' bust up mine."

Ash watched through the gun sight as the mekbuggy screeched to a halt outside the mine. He sincerely hoped Sheppurt found what he was after. Sitting with his hands on the firing handles and not being able to dakka dakka didn't sit right with the Flash Git.

"Look sharp, Ash! Something on the sensors."

"Finully, sumfink ta shoot."

"Geth dropship!"

Wrex growled as the talky-majik refused to yield anything but static. Clearly the signals weren't penetrating into the mine.

"Alright Ash, go nuts."

With a throaty roar of delight audible even over the sudden explosion of weapons fire, Ash did just that.

YET ANUVVA RANDUM PLANNIT

Da Fisty Boomin' Gitpuncha had endured yet another round of kustomizazhunz. With the addition of two stubby wings with under-wing pylons it carried a total of six extra 'splodey yellow rokkits and a long keel-like fin jutted downwards and forwards from the centre of the main body, the leading edge honed to choppa-like sharpness for what Tali excitedly described as 'vertical cranial bisection'. A quick whispered argument between Sheppurt and Kadun had established that she meant chopping someone's head in half from top to bottom, something which both Orks had admitted they had never tried before. The antigravs had more than doubled in size to accommodate all the extra weight while the flared exhaust of a rokkit enjin stuck out the rear. The whole drone had been covered in a coating of red paint for extra speed, apart from a few areas covered in black and yellow checks, the Deathskulls emblem on the keel-blade and a single blue stripe over the top of the drone body from front to back, because blue was a lucky colour. The Citadel tech powerplant had finally given up the ghost and Tali had replaced it with a kwontum sparka donated by Addumz, a device somewhat akin to a battery that had apparently driven an entire Council research team of around a hundred of the brightest minds in quantum physics to suicide trying to work out exactly how it stored so much power.

The drone in question bleeped aggressively, rokkit enjin flaring as it accelerated straight towards a group of Geth. The unholy mashup of camera operation algorithms and Ork inspired 'killy kode' populating its electronic brain calculated the optimum 'ead splittin' angle and the antigravs altered the drone's trajectory as it accelerated towards the firing line like an ill-tempered squig.

With a victorious bleep Puncha slashed through no less than three Geth heads, the platforms stumbling about blindly as they tried to compensate for the sudden bisecting of their primary visual feeds. It took them less than half a second to connect to the secondary cameras mounted in their gunsights and they resumed their hail of suppressive fire.

Behind the crate she had taken for cover, Tali pouted. She had been so excited to see Puncha chop heads as well.

"Look on the bright side, Tali. Now you know the head chopper works. It's not your fault Geth can get along fine without their heads."

Tali brightened considerably at Garrus's reassurance.

"You're right. Thanks Garrus."

She stuck the barrel of her Zappa out of cover, blindly blasting away with a few shots. Miraculously one of them hit, the Geth convulsing in a highly amusing manner as it flew backward with a smoking hole in one shoulder.

"Did I get one?"

GLOSSARY

Kwontum Sparka - An advanced battery design used as the power source for Ork devices such as energy weapons and powered armour. Believed to manipulate an internal quantum foam to store power in a highly charged pocket dimension.

CODEXY BITZ

Top Ten Orkish Language Extranet Series (listed by number of downloads) - Statistics courtesy of the Citadel Entertainment Board

1. BREAKIN' BAD - Drama. A Salarian biology professor and an enterprising gretchin team up to sell cave mushrooms to the local Ork population.

2. GAME OF BOSS CHAIRZ - Drama. Ork Warbosses bash each other for complicated reasons.

3. I'M AN ASARI, GET ME OUT OF HERE - Reality. A group of Asari celebrities are sent to live on a jungle island populated by Feral Orks.

4. 'ERE KUMS 'UNNY BOOM BOOM - Reality. A look into the underground world of snotling beauty contests.

5. CSI - ZAKERA - Drama. A C-sec detective is forced to work with an Ork mek to solve crimes on Zakera Ward.

6. DOK 'OO - Drama. An Ork Dok creates a time machine and uses it to go back in time and perform experimental surgeries on great historical figures.

7. STRIKTLY KUM DAKKA - Reality. Celebrities are paired with Ork warriors and compete in all out gun battles.

8. DA BIG BOMM FEORY - Comedy. A beautiful Asari maiden befriends her new neighbours, four oddball Ork mekboyz.

9. GLEEZ - Comedy. Orks sing.

10. TOTAL GROT DEFF - Comedy. Gretchin compete in lethal obstacle courses for the amusement of the spectating Orks.