A/N: After the horribleness of my last chapter, I think this will be a welcome bit of relief. And it isn't over yet. I couldn't just let a fic end without a true happy ending. I know, you all kinda sorta hate me now, but I think you'll forgive me with the next chapter (maybe even this one if I get lucky, lol).
Yes, it was incredibly sad last chapter (I know this, I wrote it, after all, hahaha), but I swore it would get better, and it will continue to do so.
Again, I'm not an expert, and I could never fully convey the emotions and feelings a parent experienses, but I hope I've done a decent job of trying. So, without further ado, Chapter Twelve!
-Rachel Noelle
oOoOo--RN--oOoOo
Matsumoto nor Hitsugaya could manage to keep down a bite of food for at least a week. Hitsugaya gave in to the rumbling in his stomach soon enough, though not very much, and was well on his way to recovering from lack of appetite. Matsumoto only picked around at any food set before her, and just enough to keep Nanao and Hitsugaya from worrying about her starving.
By the time six months had passed, Matsumoto was finally beginning to feel hungry again. Nothing else seemed to be returning, but Nanao and Unohana guessed it to be a good sign that she was learning to cope and to live, however incompletely it was at the time. Hitsugaya hid his pain well for as deeply as he blamed himself for agreeing on one last mission for Ukitake.
He blamed Ukitake for as much, too.
If only Hitsugaya would have been there the night before, maybe he would have known when he sensed Matsumoto's reiatsu dampening. She had a horrible time sensing it herself, especially while pregnant, but he felt every flicker, every heartbeat, every tiny movement once Hanataro pointed it out to him. He should have been there.
Matsumoto remained unaware how sensitive to Kazuki Hitsugaya actually became, and he was grateful, for it meant she would have less reason to hate him.
She did not hate Hitsugaya, nor did she blame him. Though barely a breath passed her lips that she did not wonder what else she might have done. What could she have done? Was a mother not supposed to just automatically know things about her baby? How had she failed at such a seemingly simple task?
Matsumoto and Hitsugaya's days were filled with weary, tear-filled eyes and restless nights. They engaged in sex only a few times, neither having the energy or the heart built back up for it. And both being terrified of a repeat performance.
Unohana and Hanataro counseled with the couple at least twice a week. The only true advice Unohana could give them, the tiniest glimmer of hope, was to pray for the circle of life to return their child to them. Beyond making sure they were not suicidal or similarly emotionally unstable, there was little else anyone had to offer.
The testing done on the placenta and cord and the examination of the small child's body brought no comfort. As far as the tests were concerned, there was no reason for the baby to not live. Matsumoto cried for another week, while Hitsugaya tried to see through his blurred vision well enough to offer her comfort. (1)
Neither blamed the other, but neither would lie and say they never considered the "what-ifs" involving the other. Hitsugaya wondered if perhaps he had dragged Matsumoto along with him, would things have ended differently. Matsumoto wondered if maybe she should have screamed and cried, anything to keep Hitsugaya home, especially when only a simple "Please stay" would have worked wonders.
Instead, she encouraged him to go and have a last fight in the Living World, since he would become a father soon.
Instead, he took her smile and believed no bad would happen while he was away.
And this is where they ended up. Some place deep, deep beneath the light. The only thing in any direction was darkness. Guilt. Self-loathing. Pain. Suffering. Where was their silver lining?
Hitsugaya was no where near healed, but he was much farther along the road than Matsumoto.
Unohana, a few months after the funeral, advised Matsumoto and Hitsugaya to begin attempting to heal with donating non-sentimental and non-personal things belonging to the baby, perhaps to an orphanage.
Gathering up a bit of courage one sunny day, not having set foot in the nursery in the time since the incident, Matsumoto opened the door slowly and walked inside. Immediately she felt her breaths quicken and she struggled to hold back the flood of tears threatening to spill from her eyes. After a few moments she collected herself enough to take a steady walk about the room. She rifled through shelves and drawers, looking through clothes and books and toys.
What did her friends think? Did it bother them to know that their gifts would never be used?
She pulled her phone out and dialed up Nanao in the Eight Division office. As usual she answered swiftly, sensing Matsumoto on the other end of the line.
"What can I do?" Nanao asked, always intuitive to Matsumoto's moods. Despite her bleak mood and vanishing courage, Matsumoto smiled.
"Can you…" Matsumoto took a deep breath, as though getting rid of Kazuki's things would condemn her to eternal damnation, "Can you help me go through his things?" Matsumoto whimpered lightly, trying to not break out into full tears.
Nanao, nearly in tears herself from the emotion behind her friend's words, quickly agreed. She placed a quick phone call to Hitsugaya in his office then was on her way to their home.
Nanao and Hitsugaya found Matsumoto holding the stuffed dragon and the outfit they planned to bring Kazuki home in, crying in the rocker. Soft tears streaked down her face, the look she held far away and distant. Hitsugaya did nothing but stare for several minutes, blinking back his own emotions.
Finally deciding they needed to progress, else neither parent would move again, Nanao stepped lightly up to Matsumoto and enveloped her in a soft hug.
"Oh, Nanao!" Matsumoto cried.
"Are you sure you want to do this now, Rangiku?" Nanao asked quietly.
Matsumoto looked at Hitsugaya, who nodded, then said with determination, "Yes, we're sure."
Nanao spent the afternoon helping the pair part with anything they could bear, praying silently that those who be in the circle of life would bless them soon.
A couple of days later Hitsugaya and Matsumoto, upon her insistence that they do it themselves, set out to an orphanage in the fiftieth district. Matsumoto kept Hitsugaya worried, but she held up well. They walked through the door and were greeted by a plump woman in a simple blue kimono.
"Miku-san!" a child called, running up to the woman and hugging her hips, "Why are the shinigami here?"
"I don't know yet. You have to allow me time to introduce myself and ask first. You know that. Now, go play," Miku demanded softly. "My apologies, Taichō and…"
"Fukutaichō," Matsumoto supplied, halfheartedly wiggling her sash with her badge.
Miku nodded. "Ah. I see. Well, welcome. What can I do for you today?" Miku asked, a bit wary of the high ranking officers.
Hitsugaya spoke up, sparing Matsumoto the trouble. "We would like to make a donation of clothing, toys, diapers, and books," he said. Miku looked surprised. "It is misfortunate, but we are no longer in need of these." Hitsugaya's voice cracked some as Miku's eyes lit up.
"So you are the two everyone has heard about? It is such an honor to meet another couple as myself and my husband," Miku bowed low in honor. "Yoshi and I lost our baby only a day before he was due. That's been ten years now, but at the time I had no idea how I could face returning to the orphanage. It was so… painful…" Miku's eyes glistened with tears.
"Oh, silly me," she smiled. "My reminiscing is not what you've come for. Please, won't you have some tea or a snack? It is time for the children to enjoy a small bite of fruit."
Matsumoto very nearly burst into tears to learn of someone who could genuinely relate. And this someone was inviting them for tea. Hitsugaya sensed Matsumoto's excitement within her grief and nodded a polite thank you to Miku. They settled around a small table in a far too tiny kitchen.
Miku buzzed about, preparing tea and slices of fruit. "Yoshi will be home any moment now," she intoned, "He is anxious to meet this Taichō he keeps hearing of. There are so many shinigami in the Gotei Thirteen that being an unseated officer he has yet to run into you, being stuck in First Division."
"It is an honor to be recognized as someone of such importance, Miku-san," Hitsugaya replied, giving a hint of a smile.
Yoshi, a big, burly man Hitsugaya had noticed about the courtyards a few times, stepped through the door, falling into a deep bow in greeting to his superior officers. Miku introduced them and shooed the children, who Matsumoto watched wistfully, out to the yard for play.
Miku and Yoshi seated themselves at the table and recounted their own experience. Matsumoto and Miku cried together, the men attempting not to do the same, empathizing and finally finding the comfort in kindred spirits they each so desired.
Hitsugaya and Matsumoto returned to their home late that night, their spirits lifted and their souls feeling the beginnings of healing. Their deep dark tunnel shone brightly with light at the end.
With hope on their hearts, they made love for the first time in many months.
oOoOo--RN--oOoOo
Notes:
1 - Approximately 40 percent of stillbirths have no determinable cause, and occur to healthy mothers and babies. The only answer anyone seems to be able to give is that it simply is not the right time.
Men and women experience grief and cope with it differently. Generally, probably because men are usually taught to be "big and strong" and not "girly, nancy-boys," men have a tendency to outwardly (and to an extent internally) overcome their grief and suffering more quickly than women. On the flip side, women usually spend rather a long time grieving over something like this. A factor of that may be the connection mothers tend to form with their babies while pregnant.
If you or someone you know has been through this, you have my deepest sympathies. If I may, there are literally hundreds of sites available, full of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, whoever, giving the advice they can to help others cope. I highly recommend a quick search for them. 8-)
One last note: We are undergoing some changes to the site, so that (cross your fingers it works) we can have users submit their fanfics. The forums are still open, and staying put for the moment. We will probably host most Bleach fanfics by HitsuMatsu shippers, but we will not accept fics which feature Hitsugaya and/or Matsumoto in a romantic relationship with anyone else (unless it is guaranteed to end up as a HitsuMatsu fic).