Hi all,

Another chapter of Heart of the Jungle here for you. Next chapter will be the big one... Judgement hype!

Until then, enjoy and please RFF

Chapter 13 - Guilt

"You're poke isn't too bad you know, we should play together more often." Avarin looked over at his now closest friend, Varus, offering the archer a playful smirk.

"You sure? They may begin to like me more than you." Varus pushed past him, making his way out of the room.

"I wouldn't bet on it, I'm still better at range." Avarin scoffed, following his friend.

"If you say so, although I know a few summoners who'd disagree." The pair made their way through the halls towards the Ionian quarters. Originally they'd been meeting at the Kumungu rooms, but Varus had felt a little uncomfortable with how quiet it was. They'd started meeting at different places of the Institute, which Avarin was quite content with as it gave him the opportunity to discover some new areas. The Ionian quarters were by far his favourite though, constantly abuzz with activity but never crowded. There were many open spaces and courtyards, often containing champions and summoners deep in meditation. It was tranquil yet busy, and Avarin loved it. Varus too seemed more comfortable in the area, getting many greetings from summoners as he walked the halls. Today was no different, Avarin wandering off ahead as Varus got lost in conversation with a summoner about a potential high-profile game.

"Careful, you spend much more time around here and people will start to think your Ionian." Avarin was still confused as to how Lee always knew he was nearby, the monk's attentiveness putting Avarin's hunting prowess to shame. He didn't mind though, the monk had proven to be a welcome friend, particularly for his advice around the jungle and ganking. It was nice to have a coach with experience; his summoner could only do so much.

"How've you been Lee? Anything new?" The monk shrugged, 'staring' off into the middle distance.

"Not particularly, had a rather interesting game earlier though." Avarin followed the monk's line of sight, trying to see if he could pick out what he was 'looking' at, being sure to continue the conversation so as not to get caught by the monk.

"Oh really? How so?" Lee reached over and gripped Avarin's cheeks, turning his face so he was looking down the hall. Talking with a group of dignitaries was Karma and Irelia, the pair clearly at the end of negotiations. Avarin blushed; he'd been caught.

"The enemy jungle just left the game after twenty minutes forcing them to surrender. You get it during practice matches, but this was a proper game, so I'm not sure what to make of it. No doubt there will be ramifications for Nidalee, I just hope she's alright." Being caught was quickly put behind him, Avarin looking across at the monk.

"Nidalee?" The monk nodded and looked as though he were about to continue before the pair were interrupted by Varus, finally having escaped the summoner.

"Lee, pleasure as always. What's going on?"

"We were just talking about my game earlier, jungle just left at twenty minutes for no apparent reason."

"Odd, yours or theirs?"

"Theirs, so I don't know the full…"

"Sorry, I've got to go." Lee looked at Varus who just shrugged, both offering Avarin a quick 'until the rift' before the hunter was off. Life had been busy recently between matches and training for the judgement. His spare time was spent with Varus, Tristana or Zyra, the latter taking up considerably more time than the others. Since the night they'd spent together they were practically inseparable, both wanting to spend as much time with the other as they physically could. Sadly Zyra had matches most of the day, so Avarin had been left to himself. Amidst all of this he'd hardly had time to think of Nidalee, a fact he'd been secretly glad of. He loved spending time with Zyra, but there were always moments when he'd have a fleeting image of Nidalee. He knew Zyra noticed this too, but neither of them would mention it. Neither of them wanted to believe they were there. Avarin wanted to believe he'd eventually forget about Nidalee altogether, but it seemed fate had different plans.

The Kumungu quarters were quiet this time of day, not even Malphite or Maokai around for some light conversation. Rengar was undoubtedly out hunting or in a match, those two things seeming to be the epitome of his life. No, it was just the hunter and, Avarin assumed, the huntress. He walked past his room and up the hall, stopping out the front of the floral-adorned door he hadn't knocked on in some time. Steeling himself he knocked quickly and sharply, holding his breath in anticipation of the incoming voice.

"I've already talked it through with the summoners, I have nothing to say to you, just leave me alone!" Avarin was silent for a long time, unsure what to say to that. Part of him told him he should have just left then, but Avarin was always more stubborn than rational.

"Nidalee, open the door." Avarin wasn't able to hear anything through the door, a fact that caused him a little frustration. He just wanted to make sure she was alright. He let his head fall forward, banging lightly on the wooden door.

"Dammit Nidalee, I'm not climbing through any windows this time. Please, just let me in." His voice was barely above a whisper, his words more to himself than anyone else.

"Avarin, please, you can't help me." Her voice came from just the other side of the door. Avarin found his hand moving of its own accord, reaching up and resting on the door, as though he could reach through and touch her. He heard the lightest of a thud from the other side, and he couldn't help but imagine Nidalee doing the same thing. He frowned, unsure how to continue. He was finally feeling as though everything was on track with Zyra, was he ready to face Nidalee and jeopardise that? He sighed, loud enough that he knew she'd hear on the other side. He turned his back to the door and slid down it, hitting the floor with a soft bump. He ran his hand through his hair, considering his next words wisely.

"You need to talk to me Nidalee, I can't go on like this. We were thick as thieves once, and now I feel like you can't bare to look at me." The sound of shuffling and another thump, Nidalee clearly sliding down the door on her side so they were roughly at the same level.

"Did you ever hear the story of the Frejlordian farmer?" Avarin's ears perked at this, Nidalee continuing.

"A kind man, kinder than any other, rejects a woman offering her love. She offered him wealth and fame, and he was still adamant he could not love her. Yet when she gets him killed, all the man can say is that he is happy he could help her, that it was what he wanted all along." There was an obvious sob, Avarin reaching behind him as though to comfort Nidalee before being again obstructed by the door.

"Is that love?" Avarin thought on this for a moment, trying to remember the story he had told all those years ago. He thought for a moment, unsure of the answer himself.

"It was a story Nidalee, love is never that simple."

"Why not? Why can't people just live happy lives with whoever they want?" Avarin laughed to himself, not a particularly joyful sound but thick with sarcasm.

"You really believe that, after everything you've done?" This shut Nidalee up, the huntress doing little more than sobbing. Avarin didn't say anything, just let her cry until she was ready to talk. She took a long, steadying breath, finally managing to form words.

"Do you love them?" Avarin knew whom she was talking about, but he still couldn't resist checking.

"Who?" There was a slight thunk and Avarin was too slow to react as he fell backwards, hitting his head on the floor and receiving a not-too-flattering view of Nidalee standing above him. Her eyes were red with tears, and she was holding the door like she was prepared to tear it off the hinges. Avarin was too petrified to move, and Nidalee didn't seem to mind the vulnerable view she was offering.

"Zyra, Tristana, your damn summoner! All those people you spend all your time with, do you love them? Do they make you feel safe, secure? Do they give you a home, a purpose when everything is lost? Do they keep you warm at night, shelter you from the rain, teach you what it really is to be human?" She leant down and pulled Avarin up by his shirt, tears streaming down her cheeks as she held the hunter at eye level.

"Do you love them?" Avarin began to feel threatened, and his fighting instincts began to take over. He moved his arms up in front of his face and pushed outwards, breaking Nidalee's grasp. The huntress, a little taken aback by the aggressive action, stumbled back a few steps before losing her footing and falling backwards, arms flailing wildly by her side. She closed her eyes expecting to hit the floor, but she never did. Instead she felt her shoulders jolt as something wrapped around them, stopping the sudden collapse. She opened her eyes, instantly regretting it. Right in front of her face were the pair of large, chocolate eyes she couldn't get out of her head. She could remember the first time she saw them; youthful and pure, they made Avarin look ten years younger than he was. She'd watched them change, darken, open themselves to her world. She remembered that last look she'd had at them that day many years ago. They hadn't changed a bit, holding the same odd combination of purity and passion.

The fact of the matter was that, as far as she was concerned, she had betrayed him. She was a creature of the primal ways, and dwelling upon lost lovers was not a part of her beliefs. This was particularly true as a cougar; her animal instincts had to be respected as much as her human ones. She could barely remember most of the mates she'd had, but she could always remember waking up months later in human form, knowing out there somewhere was some meaningless partner who'd claimed her love without her desiring it. But this belief slowly became murkier; you can justify such a thing once, but when it happens every season you begin to question how against your desires it is. Was it possible she'd actually wanted all of that? It seemed an easier truth to swallow than years of unwanted encounters. Through some strange whim of fate during this time she also found her way into the Institute, were she faced a whole different sort of demon. It was of no secret to her how many of the male champions would let their eyes wander over her from a distance, not daring to let themselves get caught. The thought made Nidalee furious; if they knew anything about her or who she was they wouldn't be so naïve as to think she wouldn't notice. Between her guilt at her cougar half and her frustration at the lustful champions, the loving image she held of Avarin dissolved into a utopic dream, a desire which wasn't just ideal, but simply impossible.

Then he'd arrived at the Institute. She honestly believed him to be dead, so when the hunter first appeared she wasn't sure what to make of him. She'd seen the confrontation in the market place, watching the strong man lift the summoner into the air like he weighed little more than feather. She'd been intrigued; he hadn't seemed the aggressive type from a distance. Typically archers were calm and composed, but not him. What really intrigued her about him was when she heard he'd represent the Kumungu; something not many people did these days. She'd been tempted to meet him earlier, but she feared what she would find. Was it such a stretch to believe he'd be like every other male champion before him, taking one look and wanting nothing more than to take her for himself? She bid her time, knowing they'd meet on the rift eventually. How she wished now she'd taken the proactive approach.

Avarin just held her. It was all he'd wanted to do in some years, but now that he could it didn't give him half as much fulfilment as he'd expected. Nidalee put an arm around his neck and used it to stabilise herself as she stood up, turning away quickly and breaking eye contact. She walked over to her mat and sat down, pulling her knees to her chest and holding onto them, making her look so fragile. Avarin closed the door behind him, not wanting any interruptions.

"If I said I did love them, my summoner, Trist… Zyra, what difference would it make?" Nidalee pulled her knees in tighter.

"I need you to love them. I need you to be flawed, even in some tiny insignificant way. I just can't."

"You think that'll make things easier? You want me to be the bad guy so you can justify hating me?" Nidalee half scream half cried into the small room, Avarin a little taken aback by how much distress was in the sound.

"I could never hate you, don't you see that? You're so bloody perfect; you have the looks, the heart, the overwhelming sense of righteousness. You have everything anybody could ever want, and I betrayed you. Do you know how badly that kind of guilt tears you apart?" Avarin slowly walked towards Nidalee, taking a seat in front of her, practically forcing her to choose between talking into her knees or looking at him. Nidalee chose the easier option.

"I just need you to not be perfect. I need you to leave me like I left you, hurt me like I hurt you. I need this Avarin." Avarin reached over and forcibly pulled Nidalee's hands off her knees, slowly making the huntress look up at him.

"You are speaking like a madwoman Nidalee. Whatever happened to the brave young girl I used to know, strong willed in her ways and never one to feel anything even remotely like guilt? The Nidalee I knew would accept what she'd done and fight for what she wanted anyway." Nidalee stood to get up.

"She grew up." Avarin grabbed her wrist, forcing her back down and onto the mat.

"What a load of tripe. That isn't growing up, that's giving in." Nidalee let herself be rough-handled; maybe if he physically hurt her it would be enough to convince her to stop loving him. But behind his actions was an unmistakable kindness towards her, so she had her doubts.

"Then I guess I gave in. I let myself be taken away by the darkness in this world. What difference does it make? I'm not that girl anymore." Avarin's face turned to one of deep sympathy, his anger unable to stand up to the sadness in the huntresses features. He conceded, giving Nidalee the answer she wanted.

"I do love Zyra, and Tristana, and every other damn soul at this Institute. They are my family, brothers and sisters, elders and teachers, and even lovers." He spoke the last word slowly, letting it sink in.

"If you want that to hurt then I hope it does, but it could never hurt as much as you hurt me. I couldn't care less what you've done in your past, all I care about is that when I came back you acted like I meant nothing. Is that really how you see me now?"

"Of course not! That's how you should see me. You deserve better." Avarin laughed at this, throwing his hands into the air.

"I don't want better, I want you!" This resulted in a very long, very brooding silence. Nidalee felt her breath catch in her throat; some old part of her making her heart beat erratically in her chest. Avarin's lips felt dry and coarse, realisation dawning at what he'd just said. It was the truth behind it all, the reason he couldn't shake off the guilt when with Zyra. He wanted Nidalee, nobody else.

"I want you." Nidalee gradually came around to rest next to him, slowly and cautiously reaching out to put her hand on Avarin's. When he didn't move away from the contact, she wrapped her fingers in his, a little surprised at how cold his hands were.

"Earlier today I was heading past the Noxian quarters with Varus. Draven was walking by, strutting like he owned the place. I couldn't resist just putting my foot out a little, just enough to clip the underside of his boot. You should have seen his face as he hit the ground." Nidalee frowned at the story, Avarin looking to his side and taking in the expression. He just shrugged.

"Well, you didn't want me to be perfect, thought it could help." Nidalee couldn't help but laugh, the first genuine smile Avarin had seen her show in over five years lighting up the room. He smiled back, gently squeezing her fingers.

"That's more like the Nidalee I knew." Nidalee felt a blush running up to her cheeks, a fact she failed to hide. Avarin leant over and gently stroked her cheek before standing up, making his way to the door. Nidalee scrambled to her feet, prepared to stop him before Avarin shook his head.

"I have training with my summoner." Nidalee nodded in understanding, sitting back down and watching as Avarin began to leave. Just as he was about to close the door she called after him.

"Do you mean it? You really think you can love me again?" Avarin was silent for a moment.

"I never stopped." He closed the door, not waiting for another response.

He turned to leave before literally bumping into something. He hadn't expected the halls to be any busier so he hadn't noticed Zyra standing there, arms crossed and looking at him.

"So you finally spoke to her?" Avarin felt guilty, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. How much of their talk had Zyra heard? They hadn't exactly been keeping their voices down.

"Zyra, I'm so sorry." She smiled and shook her head, brushing past Avarin towards her door.

"Don't be, we both knew it was going to happen eventually." She unlocked her door, sighing with her hand on the doorknob. Part of her felt that the moment she stepped inside and closed the door that would be the end, Avarin would be gone. Avarin seemed to notice this too, not moving towards his training in spite of running a little behind time already. Neither knew what to say, if they even wanted to say anything.

"How were your matches?" He sounded so awkward, but it at least got a response from the mage.

"Terrible honestly. Lost two in under thirty minutes, one because our jungle just left." The story sounded too familiar for Avarin to drop it.

"Why'd they leave?"

"They refused to gank for me so I waited for them at fountain and had a little chat." Zyra's voice had slowly become quieter and quieter, barely above a whisper as she finished her sentence. She looked on the verge of tears, something very atypical for the mage.

"What did you say?" She breathed a shaky sigh, turning the doorknob in her hand.

"I told her you'll never stop loving her, no matter what either of us do." Zyra opened the door and stepped inside, closing it until there was barely a crack left.

"Good luck tomorrow Avarin." Then there was a click as the door closed, Avarin now truly alone in the small hall. He was angry with himself mostly. Zyra had never been anything but kind to him. She'd offered him shelter amongst her family, she'd saved his life from the Noxians. And what had he done in return? When she asked for love he turned her away. When he asked for love he threw it in her face. Yet, in spite of everything, ultimately him and Nidalee talking again came back to Zyra. The mage had talents Avarin could not begin to fathom, an innate link to his life that he couldn't shake. She was always there for him, no matter how poorly Avarin treated her. He loved Nidalee, he'd known that right from the moment she'd saved his life, but he wasn't sure where he stood with Zyra. If they were friends, she was beyond anything Avarin could have ever asked for.

Avarin spared a moment to rub his face before returning to his tasks. Everything had changed in such a short space of time, and Avarin's head was left spinning. He forced himself through it though; there were more important issues to attend to. His summoner was undoubtedly waiting for him now, desperate to get in one last session before his big day. Avarin felt a chill run down his spine; today his future may have changed, but tomorrow it would be decided. The time for his judgement had come.