I do not own Phineas and Ferb. Any line that does not sound familiar is probably mine. The rest are quotes from this particular Phineas and Ferb episode.

Ballad of Badbeard Bloopers

Take One

"Where legend has it Badbeard buried his bountiful booty," Clyde Flynn said mysteriously.

Phineas tried to keep his expression quizzical. A snort escaped him and he clapped his hands over his mouth. Isabella rolled her eyes and smirked. "It was the word 'booty', wasn't it?"

Take Two

"Does anyone have a concertina?" Clyde asked. His eyes strayed to the burly boy sitting beside Baljeet. "Buford?"

"Me?" Buford asked in fake shock. Everyone continued staring at him. He sighed. "Yes." He pulled the instrument from behind his back and went to play. An ear-shattering note pierced the forest air and everyone shrieked in pain.

"Buford!" Baljeet cried as he pressed his hands over his ears. "Stop it!"

"You're attracting bats! And it's the middle of the day!" Isabella shrieked as bats started swarming over them.

"Give me a break! I only had a week of lessons!"

...

"Oh dear. I seem to be missing my underpants," Baljeet sighed.

Buford cackled and pointed at the flagpole. Ferb arched an eyebrow at the slim pair of pink panties. "Uh..."

"Okay, which one of you perverts stole my underwear?" Candace demanded.

"Candace! Buford!" the director cried.

...

The group hiked up the steep hill and Baljeet tripped on a rock. He stumbled backwards and rolled all the way back down...and into the lake.

"You okay, buddy?" Phineas called down.

Baljeet spluttered as he climbed out of the water. "I am fine. But my underpants are not."

The director groaned. "Keep it clean, people."

...

"I don't like the looks of my script," Candace said flatly.

"What's up?" Isabella asked.

"In one scene, I have to fall out of a tree and be dragged across a lake."

"Better check up on your medical insurance."

...

"Candace!" the director cried in exasperation. "Just fall!"

The actress clung to the highest branch. She stared fearfully at the ground below. "The air mattress looks ridiculously small from up here. I might miss!"

"You won't miss!" the director assured her. "Just let go of the branch and fall."

With a groan, Candace complied. She shrieked loudly as she tumbled down, striking branch after branch and getting a few leaves in the face. She braced herself for impact.

The director winced. "Huh. She actually missed..."

"Ow."

...

"Perry has a jet-ski?" Candace asked in amazement. "How weird can this get?"

"It gets much weirder, Kevin," the Talking Zebra said cheerfully. Candace stared at him for a moment before screaming as she was lugged across the dock and into the water. Her face gave a sickening crack as it smacked off of the wood.

The director rubbed the back of his neck. "Her nose is bleeding. A lot. Someone get a bandage."

...

"A treasure map?" Buford asked incredulously, briefly distracted from his sword fight with Baljeet.

The Indian boy took advantage of this and swung his stick. His aim was a little lower than he intended and Buford crumpled to the ground, a shrill scream of pain escaping him. Baljeet took a few steps back.

"Well, that was not intentional. But consider it payback for something you will do to me in the future."

...

Candace climbed the boulder, giggling madly and covered in seaweed.

"Oh, gross!" Phineas cried. "What's that? Oh-sorry. It's just your face."

"Phineas!" snapped Candace in annoyance.

...

"We seek adventure and romance!" Isabella proclaimed, hanging on to the rope ladders with one hand. She lost her grip and fell off, toppling into the lake.

"Woman overboard!" Baljeet called.

"Leave her there!" Buford hollered.

...

Take One

"Why do my nostrils whisper to me?" Candace sang. She immediately burst into giggles. "Sorry! Sorry."

Take Fifteen

"Why do my-he he he." Candace snorted and shook her head. "Man, I can't do this."

The director sighed. "Take five."

...

Buford rowed the dingy to the shore. Something sharp pinched his bottom and he yelped, rocketing upwards and splashing into the water.

"Oh for the love of-Buford! What happened?"

"I sat on a crab!"

...

"Not all at once!" Phineas cried.

The bridge snapped and they grabbed for the rope railing. Baljeet missed and tumbled to the air mattress below.

"Oh sure," Candace muttered. "Everyone can land on an air mattress but me."

"Let it go, Candace," sighed the director.

...

Take One

"Perhaps the true treasure is friendship and the spirit of adventure." Baljeet suggested.

"What is this, an afterschool special?" Phineas asked.

Everyone giggled. The director rolled his eyes. "Hilarious."

...

Phineas slowly opened the treasure chest. Purple and green fireworks exploded and lit up the dark cave set. Phineas yelped and scrambled backwards. Isabella and Buford raced off as sparklers strayed too close for their liking. Baljeet yelped as bats swooped down, irritated at being disturbed.

"Thanks for causing the chaos, Heinz."

"Anytime."

Take Three

Candace stumbled into Heinz's lair, cackling madly. Heinz gasped and moved back a few steps. "The sea hag! She-" He burst into laughter at the same time as Candace.

"What now?" the director groaned.

"This is so weird!" Candace held her stomach. "I can't do this! I won't get through it."

"How am I supposed to keep a straight face?" Heinz asked.

The director closed his eyes. "And here I thought I hired professionals."

...

Agent E swooped down and caught Candace and Perry. The actress' belt snapped and she tumbled to the water below with Perry following behind her.

The director threw his arms in the air. "This is what I get for using real animals and real scenery."

...

"Well Ferb, matey, our first-" Phineas turned to glance at Ferb and snorted. "Dude, why did you pick that beard?"

Ferb stroked the hot pink and purple beard he was wearing. "I wanted to see how difficult I could make this scene for you."

"Change beards, Ferb."

"All right, Mr. Director. Whatever you say."