I received a few requests to continue the previous chapter, so this is the second part of "Beautiful Nightmare". Just a reminder that Noah and Jesse don't exist in this universe.

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Title: Beautiful Nightmare Part 2

Genre: Hurt/comfort/tragedy

Rating: T

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Olivia Benson is sitting slumped at her desk, chewing slowly on one half of a dry tuna sandwich and twirling her fork listlessly through the container of limp salad in front of her, not at all hungry and wondering why she had even bothered to bring this unappetizing lunch with her today, as her appetite seems to have dwindled down to practically nothing these past few weeks. She is wearing a fresh set of clothing and her dark hair has been brushed to a glossy shine, having switched yesterday's outfit for the one she keeps in her desk in case there is ever a sudden change of plans and the day does not go the way she had expected it to; cases stretching out longer than originally anticipated and resulting in overnight stays in the crib, getting into a scuffle with a suspect and bleeding onto her clothing, and a myriad of other reasons why it's always a good idea to keep an extra outfit on hand.

Lately Olivia has been bringing additional personal stuff into the precinct and stashing them in various hiding places around the office, as she has been spending more and more of her nights here and it just makes sense to have everything in the same spot so she can get ready easily in the morning and not have to worry about a necessary item being back at her apartment, a place she has been trying to avoid more often since Tucker has practically moved in with her now. She knows it would make sense to just tell him to go back to this own home or to break things off entirely between them, but the thought of having to initiate that kind of serious conversation just fills Olivia with an all-consuming exhaustion that seems to invade every part of her being and penetrate right down to the bone, and she doesn't think she has even an ounce of energy to spare for a discussion of that magnitude.

It has been nearly a month since the death of Mike Dodds and the sadness and guilt that linger in the wake of his tragic passing continue to permeate every single aspect of her life, leaving no area untouched, either personally or professionally, and something that no amount of therapy seems to help; a festering, gaping wound that refuses to heal. Olivia feels as if she is never fully present in any given situation anymore, as a portion of her mind always seems to be stuck on that day, playing in a non-stop loop of horror that ends in the worst possible way each and every time and knowing without a doubt that there would have been a much more positive outcome had she just done things differently; if she had only dealt with the situation in the right way.

Olivia finds her gaze straying from the unpalatable meal in front of her to focus out the window on one of her subordinates, Amanda Rollins choosing to work through lunch as she nibbles distractedly on her own salad with one hand while the fingers of the other fly across her keyboard, blue eyes fixed intently on her computer screen. There is an odd sense of longing that fills Olivia's mind and body as she watches the younger woman type, the strange feeling mixing in with the immense amount of appreciation she has for Amanda picking up the slack for her over the past month and actually showing up to the precinct on time for several consecutive weeks, not to mention how much the small detective has toned it down in terms of doing things her own way on cases and actually listening to and obeying Olivia's commands as lieutenant more often than not.

The shame of being discovered not only sleeping in her office in her underwear but also in the throes of a dramatic nightmare by her colleague is outweighed by the intense need she has for Amanda to come back in here and cuddle up with her on the couch again, obliterating the overwhelming loneliness that has overtaken her lately, even while laying in her boyfriend's arms, Tucker's impatience and frustration with her unrelenting guilt causing Olivia to retreat into a protective shell where no one can make her feel any worse about herself than she already does. The twenty minutes she had spent curled up with the blonde detective on the cushions at the beginning of the day have been among the most comfortable and content amount of time she has experienced since Dodds' death, and the thought of wanting to snuggle with Amanda more than the man she is dating has Olivia's stomach twisting up into giant knots of confusion; that familiar feeling of guilt piercing through her yet again but this time for a different reason.

The sudden need to have Amanda come into the office and spend the rest of the lunch hour with her is staggering in its intensity and Olivia gets to her feet with the intention of calling the younger woman into the room, her dark gaze immediately meeting Amanda's concerned and curious blue eyes when they glance away from her computer screen, like the detective had known that Olivia was thinking about her. She tilts her head to the side and is just about to motion with a hand for her co-worker to join her when there is a sharp rap on the closed door and Tucker is poking his head inside, gracing her with a terse hello and a thin-lipped smile, a gesture that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Ed," Olivia says in surprise, her knees slowly buckling as she sits back down in her chair again while trying to not to let her disappointment show. "I wasn't expecting you. What are you doing here?"

"Do I need an excuse to drop by to see my girlfriend at lunchtime?" he replies in a light tone of voice that she knows is masking the usual restless irritability she has come to expect from him lately. "You didn't come home last night," he continues somewhat bitterly, and Olivia has to bite back a retort that his "home" is not her apartment and force herself not to remind Tucker that he has a perfectly adequate place of his own to spend time in.

Before she can respond, there is another knock on the now half-open door and Olivia stifles a sigh of impatience before she sees Amanda standing there quite uncertainly, a far cry from her usual way of just barging in whenever she feels it necessary. Once again she is reminded of how much the other woman has changed over the past few weeks, Amanda making a concerted effort to do things by the book at work and contain the more non-conformist part of her personality that sometimes gets her into trouble when the detective decides she doesn't want to play by the rules.

"Hey, just checking to make sure everything is okay in here," the younger woman says casually, blue eyes straying briefly toward Tucker before settling on Olivia and giving her a questioning smile.

"Why wouldn't they be okay?" the older man snaps in reply, voice echoing loudly in the room, and Olivia frowns when she notices the slightly startled flinch from Amanda before the detective's features smooth out into an unreadable mask, annoyed that Tucker has intruded on her quiet time and not appreciating how he is speaking to a woman who has been nothing but gentle and kind in the face of Olivia's torment.

"We don't need you for anything," he continues dismissively with an air of condescension, flapping an impatient hand at the blonde detective and not even bothering to look at Amanda as his eyes remain trained on Olivia. "Why don't you go finish your lunch, Rollins?"

"She's more than welcome to be in here," Olivia answers with ice in her tone before Amanda can speak. "I was just about to ask her to join me for the rest of the break anyway."

One of Amanda's eyebrows quirks up in response to this statement, like she is unsure if her boss is telling the truth or if it's just an excuse to get Tucker to leave, seemingly quite surprised by the turn this conversation has taken. Tucker himself seems a little taken aback by this announcement, the corner of his lip lifting in a slight sneer as he appraises Amanda with a disdainful expression, cold eyes raking up and down the trim body in front of him as if wondering why the young detective is the person his girlfriend would rather spend the lunch hour with.

"Well, I'll leave you ladies alone, if that's what you would prefer, Olivia," he replies formally, striding toward the door as if he can't leave the office fast enough. "I didn't realize I was interrupting your girl time."

"We're not having girl time," Olivia answers sharply, beginning to lose her patience with the situation and embarrassed that they are arguing in front of Amanda, utterly sick and tired of this volatile relationship between them. "We need to discuss one of our cases." It is a blatant lie, of course, but she doesn't dare voice the truth of wanting the younger woman to spend the rest of the break with her; would never admit that in the span of only twenty minutes, Amanda has been much more of a comfort to her than Tucker has in the past several weeks combined.

"I'll see you tonight, Olivia," he says very firmly, his tone indicating that he fully expects his girlfriend to actually show up at her own apartment after work instead of spending another night in her office, before closing the door behind him with an emphatic bang that reverberates throughout the room.

"Sorry about that," Olivia murmurs with a roll of her eyes, a slight blush creeping across her cheeks when she sees Amanda studying her very closely.

"No worries," the other woman smirks with a flippant wave of her hand, but Olivia can see the worry lurking beneath the breezy attitude and the sarcastic remark. "He's as pleasant as he always is."

Olivia smiles sadly, thinking how this must look from Amanda's point of view and wanting to explain that it wasn't always like this between them; that everything had been damn near perfect until Dodds had been shot and then it had gone off the rails so quickly, Olivia's head was left spinning in shock and confusion. She knows that Tucker's behavior has been less than stellar lately but that he is only responding to the way she herself has been acting; guilt-ridden and miserable and despondent about what had happened to Dodds and choosing to isolate herself more and more instead of facing the situation head-on and actually sitting down and having a much-needed discussion with Tucker about the way their relationship has been swiftly falling to pieces. She is tempted to defend him to Amanda for speaking and acting the way he had; is equally tempted to defend herself for staying with a man who has turned into a completely different person when faced with his girlfriend's torment, but then remembers that she too is much different from who she was only a few short weeks ago and finally decides that she is just too damn tired to defend either one of them.

"So which case did you want to discuss with me?" Amanda asks as she takes a seat in one of the chairs in front of Olivia's desk and looks at her expectantly, that trace of concern still visible like the detective wants to talk about something but is choosing to remain silent on the subject.

"What?" Olivia replies blankly, staring at the younger woman and trying to quell that shameful and inappropriate urge to ask her subordinate to hold her again when the work day is done and everyone else has gone home, knowing Amanda has been putting in some very long hours over the past few weeks and will likely be staying quite late.

"You said you wanted to talk about one of our cases," Amanda reminds her gently, head cocked to the side as she seems to be studying her superior very closely once again.

"Oh..." Olivia trails off, the blush on her cheeks growing more profuse as she finds herself at a loss for words and fighting the disconcerting urge to burst into tears.

"Liv, are you okay?" the detective asks softly, reaching across the desk to slide her hand over top of Olivia's, the pad of her thumb stroking soothingly back and forth over skin that has gone clammy. "I didn't mean to intrude on your conversation with Tucker. You just looked upset and you mentioned this morning that you guys were having some issues..."

Now Amanda is the one who is trailing off, as if unsure if she should keep talking, and Olivia is horrified to find tears brimming in her eyes now, determined not to dissolve into sobs in front of the other woman like she had earlier that day. She bites down very hard on the inside of her cheek to keep the tears at bay when her colleague links their fingers together and squeezes gently, her foot brushing up against Olivia's underneath the desk, terrified that Amanda's care and concern for her is going to result in an emotional breakdown and wishing it wasn't the middle of the day and the squad room wasn't full of cops.

Olivia's throat feels very tight and she quickly wipes a hand over her eyes to rid herself of any traitorous tears that might decide to fall, keeping her gaze fixed on their joined fingers and watching as Amanda's thumb traces tiny patterns over the back of her hand. "Yeah, I'm fine," she mumbles in shame, observing the hurt expression that flits across Amanda's delicate features when she suddenly yanks her hand away and gets to her feet so fast that she almost loses her balance. "I'm just going to use the bathroom for a minute. I'll be right back."

Olivia doesn't wait for the smaller woman's reply before she is swinging the office door open and striding down the hallway with purposeful steps, just needing to get away from everything for a few minutes and very relieved to find the washroom empty upon arrival. She slumps wearily into one of the sinks for a few seconds and then turns the water on as cold as it will go with the intention of splashing some of it across her face to try and stave off the impending meltdown, when the door flies opens and Amanda is stepping inside and locking it swiftly behind her.

The blonde detective leans back against the door for a moment while they regard each other in somewhat expectant silence, and then the tears are running in rivulets down Olivia's cheeks before she can stop them and Amanda is marching over to the row of sinks and pulling her into a hug, one small but strong arm wrapping itself around her back while the other coaxes Olivia's head to lay upon her shoulder, slender fingers working their way through dark strands of hair just as they had done earlier that day.

She presses her face into Amanda's neck, inhaling the sweet fruity scent of strawberries, and weeps as quietly as possible, unable to put a halt to the torrent of tears that stream down her face. Olivia feels just as out of control with her emotions as she had that morning, overwhelmed by an intense wave of agony and loneliness and despair, and she is alarmed to finds her legs buckling beneath her as if her body cannot remain upright under the weight of such heavy emotions.

"It's okay, Liv, I've got you," Amanda is murmuring soothingly into her ear as she lowers them both to sit on the floor, Olivia ending up partly sprawled across her subordinate's lap, and even the immense amount of shame she is currently experiencing from putting Amanda in this position for the second time that day is not enough to make her move out of the other woman's comforting embrace.

The blonde detective seems in no rush to get up off the floor or relinquish her hold on Olivia, and she clings tightly to Amanda as her colleague rocks her gently back and forth and leans down to wipe her tears away from time to time, whispering reassuringly that she won't leave her alone and everything is going to be alright. Amanda's long hair is tickling Olivia's nose as she cries, the silky stresses smelling faintly of the same strawberry scent, and she closes her eyes as she continues to rest her head on the smaller woman's thin shoulder, not caring that they are slouched across the dirty bathroom floor of the Special Victims Unit and wishing they could remain there for the rest of the day. Amanda's fingers are tracing light patterns on her back and Olivia feels that same contentment creeping in that she had felt in her office that morning, the hope that everything might actually be okay at some point in the future and she will be able to pick herself back up and carry on with her life.

A sudden pounding on the other side of the door makes them both jolt violently against each other, Olivia's fingers clenching onto Amanda's shirt in a brief panic before the detective smooths a tender hand over her hair and leans away slightly to incline her head toward the door.

"It's occupied!" she calls out in a stern voice, Olivia smothering a sudden smile at the authoritative quality of Amanda's tone and the way the younger woman's arms tighten protectively around her when there is a loud protest from someone out in the hallway.

"The entire bathroom is occupied?" a high female voice shouts in irritated disbelief. "There are several stalls in there!"

"Well, every single one of them is taken!" Amanda yells back, rolling her eyes at Olivia like this is an incredibly odd interruption and one she wasn't counting on happening.

"But I really need to go!"

"I can't help you, sweetheart," Amanda replies in a raised voice, sounding quite impatient now. "You can either wait or go find a bathroom on another floor."

"Fucking bitch," they hear the other woman mutter quite clearly through the closed door before walking away, both of them dissolving into sudden giggles like a couple of silly teenagers, the knot of stress and anxiety and sadness that has been residing inside Olivia's chest for weeks seeming to loosen a notch with the refreshing laughter.

"Amanda, we really should have let her in," she scolds softly, dragging an arm across her face to rid herself of any remaining tears and thinking what a mess she must look like.

"I never would have let her in," Amanda answers gently, stroking a hand over Olivia's cheekbone. "I wasn't going to let anyone see my lieutenant at anything less than her best."

"Well, thank you," Olivia mumbles in both appreciation and embarrassment as she is reminded of the fact that they are lounging on the filthy bathroom floor, entwined in each other's arms while her head is still buried in the blonde detective's neck. "You're seeing me at less than my best, though."

"It's okay, Liv, I don't mind," Amanda says quietly, and Olivia feels a soft kiss being pressed into her hair. "You need someone to take care of you right now."

There is a moment of dead silence as Olivia guesses they are both thinking the exact same thing, neither one of them daring to mention that the person taking care of her should probably be Tucker instead of Amanda.

"I should be able to take care of myself," she finally mutters in shame, her gaze darting away when Amanda leans her head down to try and look her in the eye.

"It's okay to admit that you need help once in awhile, honey," the detective assures her gently, and Olivia allows herself to meet the large blue eyes that are staring back at her attentively, their gazes locked together intently, kindness and patience radiating from the cerulean orbs. "Do you want to come home with me tonight? You can just get some rest at my place and try to figure some things out, alright? Please don't stay overnight in your office again, Liv."

Amanda is looking so imploringly at her like she wants nothing more than to spend the evening with her boss and take care of Olivia in her time of need, and she is finding it hard to say no; can't even think of a single reason why she would want to say no, the thought of spending another night in her office or going home only to be greeted with a chilly reception by Tucker and likely followed by more arguing, causing that deep ache of sadness to invade Olivia's heart once again.

She knows that time is of the essence here; that these things need to be dealt with sooner rather than later because she can't keep falling apart at work when she is the lieutenant and the leader of this unit, but just for tonight she decides that it would be okay to say yes; to just reach out and take hold of the hand that is being offered to her, both literally and figuratively, Amanda's fingers wrapping gently around her own and giving them a soft squeeze while she waits for Olivia's answer.

"Okay, thank you," she replies gratefully, leaning away to smile softly at the blonde detective who is gazing back at her with an affectionate smile that mirrors her own, a wave of relief and hope unfurling inside of her that she will no longer be alone in her torment and that one day it might actually come to an end. "I'll go home with you, Amanda."