Disclaimer: I don't own a thing! *sobs*
A/N:Okay this is probably my hardest chapter of the story... to write that is... so don't know how that's gonna convey to you all... but we'll see!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This Time Won't You Save Me? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Penelope had to excuse herself as she found herself sitting at Derek's and he went to cook, barely saying much at all.
The moment she made it to the bathroom she collapsed into floods of tears. She might be the one dying physically but she felt like she had already killed Derek.
Now it was Sunday evening and she hadn't even bothered to tell him that she'd felt the worse she had ever. Her morale was at its absolute lowest right now and was nearing extinction fast.
For that she wanted to curl up in a ball and die now, rather than wait.
She was exhausted from lack of sleep, something Derek didn't know because she lay so still throughout the night, scared to escalate the pounding in her head.
All the times she had wished for a peaceful death vanished, this had to be one of the worst ways to go.
And for that she couldn't find the reason to this happening to her.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and sat her chin on the groove they formed. She wanted so much to be happy, they had been but the moment she told him she didn't want to be buried it was as though the finalisation of the cards they had been dealt had happened.
What scared her was that she wondered if her dying was going to make Derek into the man that was downstairs.
Quiet, turned off, emotionless man.
She rolled her eyes to prevent the tears; it was only around her he seemed to be like that.
At that she picked herself up, took some pain killers and headed back downstairs and just took the solitude that sat around them.
"Dinners ready," he said as he said from the doorway, Penelope was just sitting as far in the corner of couch, her head lying on the back of it, her eyes just staring. "Pen?"
"I'll be there in a moment," she told him quietly, never moving or looking elsewhere but at the wall. "Go eat." She urged him and he didn't wait around, just turned and left, she completely missed his look of despair and desolation.
She fought with her inner demons, as much as she wanted to be here, however much she wanted to be held in Derek's arms for just another night, she couldn't handle this and she didn't have the strength to pursue a potentially explosive talk.
She had no energy to spare on it, not after sleepless nights and dragging days, she didn't have the right facilities in her to help her cope with it all.
Derek looked up from his uneaten meal just to see her go passed and go up the stairs slowly, he put his elbows to the table and ran his hands over his head as he breathed out. He could tell she was shutting down because of him; he'd call it her heartache but really it was only his heart that was aching. He'd inflicted it and he knew the damage was done.
He was so in love with her and her acceptance of things had only thrown him for a loop, he lost all control when she told him.
He pushed his chair away from the table and followed her to his bedroom, he walked in and froze, she was packing, his heart stopped beating in a matter of seconds of seeing it happening.
"Wh-Where are you going?" He asked her somewhat dazed and panicked, "you can't leave."
"I think you find I willingly came here, therefore I can leave whenever I choose to," she put more clothes in the bag and stood up, looked at him, her face stained with tears, fresh tears pouring out, "So I choose to leave now."
"You can't." He tried.
"Why not?" Penelope asked him, "I probably won't be causing so much pain if I just go home. I think we realised that what us two have been doing for the last two week was for completely the wrong reasons."
"How was it?" He grumbled, "I thought it was amazing."
"So what changed?" She asked him, "It was so amazing that you now hardly talk to me and you hardly let me in anymore." She said and cursed herself for emotions. "I didn't know that accepting this would be so damaging, if I'd known I wouldn't have said anything."
"You deserve to accept this, this should be easy."
"But it's never going to be!" She yelled at him, her anger just tipped a little, "None of this is going to be easy Derek because had you not realised I'm dying!"
"You think I haven't noticed?" He asked her, "It's all I see! You're dying and it's happening right in front of my eyes and all I can do is watch!" Derek admitted to her, "you're getting sicker, and I can tell it's getting harder and all I can do is sit there and watch it.
"The one woman I fall in love with and she winds up dying, that hurts, Penelope, that hurts more than anyone will ever know or understand. I know what it feels like to have someone die, hell I saw my dad die but this, with you, is beyond anything before and it's slowly taking a part of me every day! You dying is nothing like my dad, it's nothing like a family member dying, this, all of this," he threw his arms around, "is taking it out of me and I don't know how I can make this better anymore."
Penelope was stunned in silence, she felt terrible now, watching the downfall of the one man she really and truly love as it happened in front of him. She felt useless and ashamed of all this hurt that had been inflicted and yet she couldn't find or master words that would help make this any better.
"You didn't even see it, or see why I asked you to marry me and I guess that's where we went wrong as well, so Pen, I guess you were right, maybe we should never have told one another that we were in love with one another because then maybe this just might be that little bit easier on each other." He told her, his tone bitter, his eyes so full of anguish, "Maybe you should just stick around for tonight, get some rest and then go home tomorrow." He told her, and looked away, "I'll text Kevin and arrange it, let him know where you'll be. Just so we can work this out."
Penelope bit her lip and just nodded at him in agreement, it was a full confirmation, it was more shock, she wasn't answering him honestly.
"Maybe this is how we should've done this all the time." She said and sunk down onto the bed and grabbed more of her stuff from the bedside table and threw it in the bag, "I know where you are if I need you anyway, unless you want me to call someone else?" She fretted alarmed.
"You can call me whenever, but maybe falling in love was a mistake on both our parts, we fell in love at the wrong time, Baby Girl, that was it, maybe if we had another chance or longer, or we realised it sooner rather than later we wouldn't be like this. Maybe then I would've accepted it, but I can't accept you dying, not anymore and I can't accept how easy you're taking it."
Penelope looked up at him.
"You're coping better than any of us, I see that, but I don't know how you are." He told her and went and moved her bag and sat with her. "I will always love you and I'll be here until the end, but I can't live in denial anymore. You're dying and I will never be able to accept that." He pulled her close and kissed the side of her head, as though this was the goodbye already, "I'll still look after you, but until the time comes, we just need a little separation."
"To find ourselves?" She asked him and looked up; she didn't like this situation at all. "I think that's pr-probably wise, Handsome." She said covering up that she wasn't okay with this. "You can have your bed back, I'll take the couch, I'll be gone tomorrow."
Derek remained silent for a moment, he didn't want this, but grief pushed him to this point and he had to follow it through. He'd already taken advantage of Penelope, he knew he had to just give it a couple of days before he could beg for forgiveness, and beg her he would do it. He would grovel to have her back, but he just needed a couple of days to get his head straight.
"You have the bed, I'll let you sleep until you need to and then I'll head Kevin up and take you home myself."
Penelope sniffed, "thank you," she said and then kissed him.
Derek found a moment's weakness and turned to her and kissed her fully, heatedly, his actions fast and dominating, he then stood up and left her mid kiss.
"It's getting late." He told her and fled the room.
Penelope watched the empty doorway and then put her index finger to her tingling lips and cried silent sobs, if this was heartbreak; she was going to know it well.
Little did she know was that Derek was feeling it too.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- This Time Won't You Save Me? -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A/N:Same reason as last... there's method to my madness, and you'll sure as hell find out soon!