Chapter 13 - Agitation
Sacramento.
13 months earlier.
Jane broke the increasingly heavy silence by showing Van Pelt to the front door with a few words of polite thanks and a smile, barely acknowledging Lisbon's presence as he ushered the redhead out of the kitchen as they passed her in the doorway.
He re-entered the kitchen and raised an eyebrow at the highly irritated woman who was filling a glass of water from the tap at the kitchen sink and studiously avoiding him in the process.
She glugged it down as he spoke to her side profile. "You'll have to do a little better than that to get rid of me, Teresa."
She shot him a withering look and then gasped a second later as she fought to catch a breath, suddenly clasping her hands to the sides of the sink.
"Lisbon?" he uttered breathlessly, taking two quick steps to stand beside her as he furrowed his brow in concern.
She waved him away roughly with one hand and he rolled his eyes in response before taking another step forward, taking hold of her arm and turning her to face him. A second later, her eyes and mouth simultaneously opened wide and a wave of sour water hit him squarely on his chest. He let go of her immediately and jumped back in shock as she finished emptying the meagre contents of her stomach into the sink.
He watched, staring at the sight in front of him for a few seconds in belated disbelief before he stirred himself into action and approached her again. Rookie mistake, how did I not see that coming? he said to himself as he began to move her hair away from her shoulders and fix it into a makeshift pony tail behind her back. He felt her stiffen at his presence but as another wave of nausea hit, her shoulders sagged in defeat. He rubbed her back soothingly with his free hand until it subsided and her head hung over the sink as she took deep breaths and intermittently spat into it after she'd finished vomiting.
"How about that?" she croaked eventually, her head still bowed and her eyes glittering with tears shed through her exertion. Wearily, "Is that enough to get rid of you now?"
As she straightened up he let go of her hair. "Not even close," he uttered quietly as she wiped her face with some kitchen roll at her side, her eyes averted.
"Guess the only option left is to shoot you then," she replied, attempting to place defiant humour in her shaky tone as she finally met his gaze. She looked away again and reddened when she saw the damage she'd done to his vest and shirt.
He bent down to catch her eyes as he grabbed hold of the kitchen roll beside her and dabbed at the marks left on his clothes. "I used to have a child, Lisbon. I've been thrown up on many times in my life. My daughter could have won prizes for her skills in the projectile event, if it were an Olympic sport, believe me."
She laughed softly before tears brimmed in her eyes again and she shook her head as she battled against them. He touched her upper arm with the lightest of touches, fearful she'd withdraw back into her shell again if he pushed too hard to comfort her. Softly, "Hey, it's okay. No real harm done. All right?"
"Stop being nice to me," she said as tears began to fall.
He laughed softly. "You'd rather I wasn't?"
She nodded. "Yeah...because I can't promise you the same in return. I'm going to be a bitch to you if you insist on staying here. Never mind..." She pointed to his chest.
He smirked. "I can take whatever you dish out both figuratively and literally, short of a bullet, that is. And I'll bill you for the dry cleaning if you insist. Fair enough?"
She let go of a ragged breath as she laughed. "You'd better." She took another deep breath and wiped her cheeks. "You should go home and get changed. Come back later to check on me if you're intent on staying here. Hopefully for you I won't be so grumpy by then."
He shook his head. "Nice try. I have my go bag in my car outside. So why don't you have a shower and I'll get changed then start on dinner."
She rolled her eyes as she pouted. "Fine. But it's your funeral."
She showered quickly, afraid she'd faint as her legs turned to jelly as the hot water cascaded over them. She was weaker than she wanted to admit and for the first time wondered if she'd done the right thing in insisting on being discharged from the Hospital. As she dried herself off in her bedroom she sighed. She was keeping Jane from the investigation and should have realised he would not allow her to fend for herself right away. He'd even decided he'd protect others from her acid tongue as she fought the physical effects of her...
She couldn't bring herself to say the word. She sat on the bed with the towel wrapped around her to recover from her dizziness. She tried the word out on her tongue silently.
Addiction.
She felt like she'd just tasted poison and she closed her eyes. Her torturer's word came back to haunt her again. "You're an addict now, just like your father."
She'd dismissed those words at the time. Told herself it was just his way of playing with her mind. That she was far stronger than her father had ever been - that she'd never lose a battle where she herself could control its outcome.
But now, as her body began to shake and she shivered as it ached for a thirst she knew she shouldn't ever quench again, she realised she had been the one playing mind games with herself.
She was already on the thorny path he'd trodden. The one that had consumed him in the end. And for the first time in her life she didn't know if she was strong enough to battle through the briars in her way and make it to a clearing.
She felt the scars on her arms now stripped of their bandages, the track lines, one of the few physical remnants of her ordeal. They would fade in time. Would the craving she felt fade too?
She wasn't sure how long she sat there, alone with her thoughts until a soft tap came to her bedroom door. Jane's voice, silky and soft. "Lisbon? You decent?"
She opened her eyes and looked at the towel wrapped around her. The shaking had stopped for now and her head felt marginally clearer. She shrugged, in this instant not caring if he caught her naked such was her exhaustion, both mentally and physically. "Yeah, come in, Jane," she sighed.
He entered dressed in a set of fresh clothes then did a double take at the sight of her in her towel. He didn't look away but stammered slightly before he recovered his composure. "Uh...I...I just thought I'd make a salad for dinner. Just something plain I thought would be best. That okay?"
She got off the bed and went to her dresser. She barely looked in his direction. "Yeah, whatever you want. Fine."
"How are you feeling?"
She gathered some underwear, a long-sleeved T-shirt and leggings. "Tired of being asked that question," she said with another long sigh.
"Yeah...yeah, I guess you would be."
He nodded as his eyes roamed over her frame. "You've lost a lot of weight."
She laughed without humour. "It's not a diet I'd recommend."
Distracted, "No, I guess not." His eyes continued to rake over her until she noticed him staring at her. "They're just legs, Jane."
He looked up at her face, blatantly caught out. "Sorry. I was just...uh-"
Neutrally, "Yeah, I know what you were doing. Although why the hell you'd want to check out any part of me with how I look now, I don't know. But it's good to know you're not such a eunuch, after all, I suppose."
His eyes glinted with amusement. "You thought I was a eunuch?"
Hers shone back at him, unamused. "I guess not, not anymore, at least. Lorelei Martins is proof enough of that, isn't she? Guess she got you back in the game again. Good for her."
His face fell and she spoke before he had a chance to respond. "I'll be down in a few minutes. I want to know what your problem with Bertram is."
Sacramento.
Present Day.
Lisbon tapped the keys on the laptop, clicking from one image to another. The monotony was almost hypnotic after ten minutes of staring at images on the screen. Her eyes strayed to Jane occasionally to break it up, sound asleep on his couch. A small smile fell across her lips as she watched him, the light from the window near his head bathing the curls over his forehead in a golden light, highlighting the lightness of his eyelashes, the slight stubble on his chin. She'd pictured the vision many times over the past year, she never imagined she'd see it in the flesh again.
"Boss, you want a coffee?" Rigsby asked as he rose from his desk, drawing her attention forward. He caught himself on in his faux pas after a brief second. "Sorry. Lisbon, you want a coffee? Feels weird calling you that...to your face, I mean," he stuttered.
"That's okay, Rigs. I know it's an adjustment. Believe me. No, I'm fine for now. But thank you."
As Rigsby smiled and made his leave she heard high heels click quickly across wooden boards and noticed a woman with short blonde hair cut elfin style and wearing an elegant but businesslike off white skirt suit (that she imagined would cost her at least six months' rent) quickly enter Cho's office. It occurred to her that it felt almost as strange calling it that as Rigsby found it not calling her 'boss'.
As she went back to checking tattoos on the screen in front of her, she heard the door open a few minutes later and Cho wave her inside.
Reaching the office she smiled at the blonde figure sitting back on the couch with her legs crossed, her outfit blending almost seamlessly into its background. Cho introduced them. "Lisbon, this is-"
"Director Hudson, I presume," Lisbon answered for him.
The other woman smiled and nodded, perfect white teeth on show as she got off the couch and outstretched her hand. "Miss Lisbon. I'm very pleased to meet you. How did you know who I was?" she asked as the two women shook hands.
"Jane mentioned your name to me and...well, I guessed you'd want to meet me when I got here after Cho no doubt filled you in on why that is."
"I'm impressed." She looked at Cho. "Like you said, an asset in this investigation, certainly. Cho, can you leave us to chat now?"
Cho's eyes silently asked Lisbon's permission. She nodded infinitesimally, touched he was looking out for her in his own quiet way. He nodded quickly and exited the room.
Hudson spoke to Lisbon again, her tone warm but professional. "Like you said, Agent Cho has filled me in and I'm pleased you've provided us with a lead to follow and are assisting us with that lead. This was a...horrific crime that you..." She licked her lips. "Well, I know this must be incredibly difficult for you personally, Miss Lisbon."
"I'm fine," Lisbon stated confidently.
"I'm pleased to hear that. I believe you're attempting to identify one of your attackers through a tattoo he had."
"That's correct. But I've only just started-"
"Oh, I know. It's highly time consuming. I don't envy you that task. And I'm aware as you no doubt are that a match may not be found at all."
Hudson leant against the back of Cho's desk and crossed her arms across her chest. "My question is...well, my concern is...what happens if you do manage to identify him?"
Lisbon frowned, "Then we have his name, obviously. He can be tracked down, lead us to whoever's behind this, of course."
"And then?"
Lisbon nodded as the realisation struck her of where the conversation was going. "If I do find out who he is then you don't want me to be part of the interrogation process with him."
Hudson nodded. "That's correct. As you're no longer a CBI agent-"
Lisbon cut in sharply. "I never asked to be part of the interrogation. Director Hudson, I'm well aware I'm no longer with the Bureau and that me taking part in any such interrogation would allow that man to stand a very good chance of having any charges dropped. A defence attorney would have a field day with a conflict of interest like that. Even if I were an agent, I still would have to recuse myself. Just because I've been away from law enforcement for a year it doesn't mean I've forgotten the procedures involved."
Hudson drew her head back in surprise at the outburst. "I assumed you'd want to face the man who helped imprison you."
"Then maybe you should have started out by asking me that." Lisbon seethed then bit down on her anger. Through gritted teeth, "Now, is there anything else or can I get back to what I was doing to help you solve this case?"
The blonde woman assessed the small woman in front of her, practically tapping her foot in impatience. She frowned. Calmly, "I never meant us to get off on the wrong foot, Miss Lisbon."
Lisbon exhaled and relaxed her shoulders. "It's fine, honestly. I apologise for how I spoke to you. It was...unprofessional of me. It's...it's been quite a forty-eight hours."
"I imagine it has been. And I understand how hard this must be for you. We just need to discuss one more thing. Cho mentioned that we should hire you as a consultant for this case-"
"That won't be necessary. I'm happy to help as a material witness...concerned citizen, whatever you want to call it. I don't need some kind of badge or...laminate to do so. As long as I can come here and be kept in the loop as far as the investigation goes then I don't require to be paid. And hopefully I'll only be in town for a few days, anyway. If I can identify this guy then I'm sure Cho and Jane will get him to roll over on whoever he works for."
Hudson nodded. "Yes, hopefully so. Fine, I can agree to that. I'll have an indefinite visitor's pass organised for you, save you having to get one every day."
Lisbon turned her tone professional. "Thank you. If there's nothing else-?"
"That'll be all. Thank you, Miss Lisbon."
Jane was startled awake by the sound of Lisbon thundering past him back to her desk. He opened his eyes, blinking wildly as he focused on her. A smile formed on his lips immediately. "Who's upset you already?" he smirked.
"No one," she said without looking at him and violently tapping a key in front of her. Van Pelt and Rigsby looked around and then swiftly shot their heads back to their desks again as Lisbon raised hers. Jane got to his feet and frowned at her with a nod. Quietly, "What happened?"
She licked her lips quickly then rose from her chair again. Equally as quietly, "Nothing. Just...just need a minute."
Ten minutes later she still wasn't back at her desk so Jane went looking for her. After having a female agent inform him she wasn't in the restrooms he frowned as a thought occurred to him where she just might be.
As he'd guessed he found her alone in his attic, standing at the open doorway to the outside space, leaning against the door frame.
"You don't come here much anymore by the look of it," she said as he stood with his back to her at the entrance to the room upon hearing his footsteps.
He walked inside then shrugged at the dismantled bed and the dust balls on the boards. "Occasionally still but...not so much now, no. Felt it was somewhere I'd only be reminded of Red John so I've tried to stay away as best I can. Why did you come here?"
"You called it your Thinking Room once, didn't you?" Her voice sounded distant from the rest of her as she turned to face him. Louder, "I needed somewhere...quiet...to think. This was the first place I thought of."
He nodded slowly. "What happened down there? I saw Eloise leave Cho's office. I presume you met her. What did she say to you?"
When she heard the agitation in his tone towards his boss, she shook her head. "Nothing she shouldn't have said. Although she went about it in a pretty crappy way. You lied to me, she's nothing like Hightower. But I don't want you to interfere."
He tilted his head to the side and raised a shoulder. "Okay, I won't. And well, I was trying everything I could to convince you to come back. I admit she can be a little straight laced. So, what happened?"
"Nothing really. It wasn't just what she said although it was partly that. It's...everything. I've just realised how much I don't fit in here anymore. She kept calling me Miss Lisbon." She laughed mirthlessly. "I know it's stupid but being called that in this building...in that office of all places..." Her words trailed off as she shook her head and looked away.
He came a step closer until they were opposite each other and in turn made her turn her face towards him again. "You do belong here, no matter what your title is." They locked eyes as he continued, "Don't take my word for it. You ask any one of them down there. You belong here, Lisbon."
A beat passed as they continued to stare at each other, one's gaze set in a question and the others set in assurance.
Finally, she took a step back. "I'm not so sure anymore, Jane. Maybe coming back here was all a huge mistake. Maybe I should just get remote access to the database from Maine and let you know if I find anything than stay here."
"But what about seeing this through? Getting some kind of closure?"
She nodded. "Yeah," she said, more indifference than confirmation.
"You don't want that now but you did an hour ago? I don't understand."
She let go of a deep breath. "I still want it. But it's the form of that so-called closure I'm starting to worry about. What kind of closure? Catching them? Putting them in prison?"
"That's usually how people achieve it."
"Not you."
He narrowed his eyes at her. "What are you saying, Lisbon? You want what I wanted for Red John for all of them?"
She shrugged as tears gathered in her eyes. "That's just it. I don't know. I don't think so...but theoretically I might actually find one of them in the next day or so and the thought of it is terrifying now it's potentially so close. But not because I'm afraid of them. I'm afraid of what I'd be capable of against them."
He frowned as she explained, "The conversation with her made me realise I might have my answers in the next couple of days. The suddenness after all this time didn't strike me until Hudson told me I wouldn't be allowed to interrogate the man with the tattoo if I identity him-"
He tutted. "Don't worry about that. Cho and the rest of us will make sure you have time with him no matter what she says-"
"Jane, you're not listening. I know you and the team would do that. And I think that's why she laid it out so clearly. She's afraid of the loyalty that you and the others have towards me and what it might do to harm the case against these people if they're caught. What rules are all of you willing to break to get me the justice you think I deserve?"
"You do deserve it, and to hell with whatever rules have to be broken."
She rolled her eyes. "I knew you'd say that. And the others would probably agree if I asked them to bend them for me also. Therefore, it's up to me to stop that from happening. To...keep everything above board. I never had a problem being the rational one when I worked here before. Someone had to be and it was my job to make sure criminals went to prison, not escape justice because of whatever scheme you played to catch them. But now...but now I'm not sure I'll be able to keep to that if I stay here and I see any one of those people, never mind keep you all in line too."
He pondered her statement for a long moment. "Okay. Then I'll make sure I do it for you."
She looked at him incredulously. "You're going to make sure we keep to the law? You, of all people?"
He shrugged. "If you believe you cannot, or are unsure you'll be able to when the time comes then yes, I will. If that's what you really want. I'm quite happy for them all to be hung, drawn and quartered personally, thrown into the ocean without a backwards thought. But if keeping within the lines is still that important to you even with this case, then I'll make sure you stay within them, Teresa."