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And so, to graduation...

Letting Go Of Maybe

Chapter 13

Isabella Swan POV

"I'm so proud of you, sweetheart." I swatted away my mom's meddling fingers for what felt like the hundredth time in only a few short minutes and straightened the hair she had been aiming for myself. "My little girl, all grown up."

Sensing that she was about to start with the waterworks and reminiscing about when I was little, I turned to my dad for assistance. He could usually be relied upon to remain stoic and emotionless, at least on the surface, through most things, but apparently today was the exception to that.

"You look great, Bells," he said, his moustache twitching suspiciously and his eyes glassy.

I stood in the awkward silence between my cooing, proud parents, attempting not to wobble too obviously in the admittedly rather small heels that I had conceded to wearing for graduation. Alice and I had made a pact of sorts: For one day, and one day only, we would put our tomboy tendencies to one side and embrace the girlyness within. It was a pact that both Jasper and Mr. McCarty had embraced wholeheartedly. In fact, although Jasper swore blind it wasn't, I was convinced that it was he who instigated the idea in the first place. He had enjoyed seeing Alice looking so beautiful for prom and insisted that we simply must replicate the effect for graduation. He and Mr. McCarty - Emmett - had gone on for ages about how nice it was to see us both all dressed up, until eventually we caved, just to shut them up.

My pinched toes were protesting the decision now, though. I hadn't even left the house yet and I was already eyeing my Chuck collection, longingly.

There they sat, all lined up in various colors, like beacons of hope to my already aching feet. Later, I mentally promised my feet as we passed the beautiful comfort on the way to the door.

Naturally, being Forks, it was pouring with rain. I ran as best I could in those stupid shoes, under the cover of my graduation gown.

I smiled to myself, remembering the previous week when we were given our "graduation gear" as Jasper insisted on calling it. We had been going back to Alice's straight from school, changing and heading out to the bowling alley. When we arrived, Mr. McCarty - Emmett - was already there, eating cold pizza from the fridge in jeans and a sweatshirt that was rolled up to his elbows.

God I loved his arms.

When he saw what we were carrying, he grinned and told us to try them on, regaling us with a horror story about a guy who graduated with him. His gown was a foot and a half too long and he tripped over it on the way up the steps, falling into the band, having a domino effect until the entire band was lying in a tangled heap of music stands and instruments.

I had shuddered at the thought. I did not need help from anything other than gravity in turning everyday objects and events into death traps. The last thing I needed was for my gown to trip me up.

I dragged Alice and Jasper upstairs, forcibly, and tried on the gown. Thankfully, it fit just fine and posed no additional risk to the safety of myself or the gathered masses.

Plucking the coat-hanger off Alice's bed, Jasper turned on me with a grin, shouting "Expelliarmus!" loudly. I giggled at his use of a quote from probably the one book series he had ever read without having to write an essay afterwards.

Laughing, I grabbed a hanger, too, and we joked around, throwing fake spells from Harry Potter around and rolling around laughing. The graduation gowns did look surprisingly like Hogwarts uniforms - all black with a burgundy trim.

And that was how Emmett, found us - lying in a tangled heap of gowns and hangers, giggling and yelling random Latin words.

I blushed furiously, trying to hide behind Jasper's gown, mortified that he had caught his supposed star pupil yelling out quotes from what was, essentially, a children's book. My mortification didn't last long, however, when, grinning from ear to ear, he offered me his hand and helped me up. Then, pulling a piece of lint from the carpet out of my hair, he chuckled and said, "You're the only girl I know who reads more than Hermione. She was always my favorite character."

I looked up at him, a little shocked and confused by his words. Not least because I never expected my English teacher to be a fan of Harry Potter. But also because I was pretty sure he just compared me to his favorite character in the books. Searching his face for clues, I was stunned by the intensity in his eyes. His grin was still very much there, but his eyes swirled with an unknown emotion as they locked with mine. They were such a bright blue, but for the first time, I noticed tiny flecks of green floating in them.

As my brain caught up with me and realized that I'd been staring into his eyes for long enough to notice impurities in the color, I shifted my gaze away quickly, trying to force myself not to think about what it meant. What it all meant.

I tried to shrug off the lingering memory of prom night, but I couldn't shake the feeling that if Alice hadn't appeared when she did, he might just have kissed me. I could still feel the softness of his hands around mine. They were so big; they encased my small hands perfectly, holding them safely and grounding me when I was freaking out. I could still almost taste the scent of his cologne, musky and masculine. I could feel the soft heat of his breath against my cheek as we slowly drew closer and closer together, lost in the moment and forgetting everything that stood in our way.

But did he forget? Did he even care enough to need to? I spent ninety percent of my time around him believing that once I was gone, he would forget about me forever. But there were times, like prom night, or when he would grab my hand excitedly when I asked to see more of his book collection and his eyes would light up as he dragged me from shelf to shelf, when he would look at me just so, and I would feel a soft tingle down my spine and experience the unshakable notion that my feelings for him weren't entirely one-sided.

I felt that now - that little tingle of excitement - as I felt his eyes linger on me, long after I had averted mine. It was like I was electrified to his presence and the moment he was nearby or looking at me I could sense him. I felt his gaze more than once that evening, when instead of going bowling as planned, we decided to stay in and have a Harry Potter movie marathon. Just occasionally I would look up, feeling his eyes on me, and when I did my eyes would lock with his. He said nothing, just slowly shifted his gaze back to the television where, invariably, Hermione was being clever or saying something about reading.

"Bells?" My dad's voice brought me back to now and the fact that I was standing in the pouring rain, with one hand gripping the car door handle, while my parents watched me with amusement. "You planning on standing out here all day, baby girl?"

"Right. Graduation. On it," I mumbled, crawling into the back of the car while trying to disentangle myself from the gown that had been a Hogwarts cloak in my head only seconds ago.

Since the weather was so Forks-like, the ceremony had been moved into the gym where rows and rows of seats were laid out facing a small stage with a podium and lectern in the center.

We were all seated in alphabetical order, which placed me next to Jessica. She smiled shyly at me as we took our seats, mumbling something about liking my shoes. I wanted to blow her off the way she had me when I was at my most vulnerable, but I couldn't quite bring myself to. It was graduation after all, and if she wanted to offer an olive branch, then I would be big enough to take it. After all, who knew when or if we would see each other again.

I returned her smile with a small mutter of thanks for her shoe comment and, peering out of the corner of my eye, I could see her smiling and looking more relaxed than I had seen her in months. We didn't have time to talk however, as the ceremony quickly got underway. Principal Greene stood at the podium, looking every bit the man in charge in his smart suit and broad smile. I snorted silently at the idea of him being in charge. Mr. McCarty had more balls than he would ever have. I lost all respect for the man in charge the day he let that scumbag, Newton, back into school.

He rambled on endlessly about school spirit and achievement and God knew what else, then we all trampled up to the podium to receive our diplomas. Angela Weber gave her Valedictorian's speech and before I knew it, the whole thing was over.

There was a small reception afterwards, with warm champagne for the parents and non-alcoholic fruit punch that tasted like rotten apples for the students. People stood around making small talk with each other. Forks was a small town and everybody already knew everybody else's business, so really the conversations going on were mere formalities and everybody looked uncomfortable. When the first family eventually left, everybody looked relieved that they were finally free to go.

My dad, as chief of police for the town, was kept occupied in conversation long after that first family left, and my mom was sitting on the bleachers with Alice's mom, looking as though they had been friends forever. My mom always did find it easy to get along with people. She wasn't awkward and shy like me; I got that from my father. Alice and Jasper had disappeared off somewhere - probably to somewhere private so that they could celebrate graduation in style.

I found myself standing alone in the middle of the gym that was so familiar to me, yet suddenly I felt completely out of place. I had my offer from Cornell and was moving to New York in just a few short weeks, and suddenly the world felt very big. Even the gym looked bigger than usual, with all the people milling about where there were usually basketballs being hurled around. Seeing it for the last time in this way, familiar yet different, I was overcome with a sense of fear of the future. Could I do this?

Here, I was a small fish, yes, but the pond was tiny. In the real world, I was an even tinier fish, but the pond was more like an ocean, stretching out and broadening my horizons so wide that I couldn't see them any more.

I wanted him.

I wanted the gentle touch of his hands to pull me back to earth and stop my heart from racing like a freight train in my chest. I wanted his confident voice to say reassuring words that would make this less frightening.

My eyes darted around the room, desperately seeking him out, but failing to find him, until finally I spotted him slinking out of the gym and into his office.

I hesitated at the door with my knuckles resting against the wood, unsure whether to knock. I could feel my thumping heart slowing against my ribs as I rested my forehead on the door. It seemed as though his mere proximity was enough to calm me somewhat, but I craved more, and before I knew it, without thinking I was stumbling through the door.

He was sitting in the chair behind the desk with his suit jacket thrown over the back of his chair and his tie pulled loose from around his neck. The top buttons of his shirt were hanging open and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, that rested on the table. His head was in his hands, but jerked up at my abrupt entry into the room.

"Bella? What...?" He looked up at me, scanning my face for a moment before his eyes widened then narrowed quickly. "Are you all right?"

Was I all right?

I was gazing at him, the frenzied panic from a moment ago probably still fading from my eyes as I just stood there, gawping at him. He looked just like my teacher, Mr. McCarty. The only thing missing was the chalk from his fingers and the book from his hands. Looking at him now, I could have been forgiven for thinking that nothing had changed. But everything had changed.

He wasn't my teacher any more.

With that thought, I came to myself again and stepped forward, placing my diploma on his desk in front of him. Then, instead of sitting in the opposite seat, the chair where his students sat, I continued forward until I was standing beside him.

He looked up at me and the expression on his face almost brought me to my knees. I didn't doubt it any more. All the things in my mind that had stopped me from believing he could ever feel anything for me flew out of the window when he gave me that look. His eyes were wide and soulful, his mouth not quite smiling, but most definitely not frowning either.

"You're not my teacher any more," I whispered, afraid of shattering the peaceful silence in the room.

"No, I'm not," he replied, a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. But he wasn't laughing. He wasn't making fun of me or teasing me. His expression told me that he knew exactly why this was relevant to me and gave me hope that maybe, just maybe it mattered to him, too.

"I..." I started, trailing off lamely. He said nothing, tilting his head to one side with the small smile still on his beautiful lips. I wanted to touch them. I wanted to run my finger along them, then press my lips against them and keep them there forever. Instead I settled for placing my hand over his, where it was resting on the desk, gasping quietly at the feel of his skin against mine. It was as though just the simple touch of his hand could stop my heart in my chest.

"Bella..."

"I need..." I interrupted, afraid of the look of regret that flashed briefly in his eyes. "I... I need..."

"What do you need, Bella?" he asked, his eyes aflame as his hand twitched beneath mine.

"You... I need you." He said nothing, and when my eyes lost their grip on his it felt like I was falling - falling hard and far and I needed him to save me. "Please," I pleaded shamelessly, unable to live with the idea of losing him, just when it became okay for me to have him.

His eyes were staring at where our hands were joined, fused by my need for contact. His hand twitched again and before I knew it, my hand was encased in his and he was standing before me, reaching for the other hand.

His eyes were already full of apologies and, unable to handle seeing it there, knowing what it could mean, I closed my eyes, feeling the tears that the action released dripping down my face.

"Don't," he whispered, his right hand releasing my left and coming up to sweep the tears away before cupping my cheek delicately. "Please don't cry."

His voice was so gentle and compassionate that I could feel my heart fracturing inside me at the thought of losing him. My free hand reached out, gripping his shirt tightly in a feeble effort to keep him with me. Tears were streaming down my face now, knowing what was coming but incapable of hearing the words.

"Please," I begged once more, my hands shaking and my knees starting to go weak.

"Oh God, Bella," he said, pulling my head into his chest and holding it there as he dropped a small, chaste kiss onto my hair. "Why did you have to ask for the one thing I can't give you?"

The hand that held mine was trapped between us and I could feel his heart racing as he held me to him in an embrace that I never thought I would have. I clung to him desperately, wishing that I could un-hear what he said as I cried shamelessly into his chest.

"I'm sorry," I croaked out through my sobs. Most of the sound was probably lost in his chest, but I knew he heard me when his grip on my hand tightened and his other hand snaked around, the fingers tangling delicately in my loose hair.

"You have nothing to be sorry for," he replied eventually, his voice heart-breakingly soft.

"This is stupid. I'm stupid," I cried out, finally prising myself away from his embrace, whimpering slightly at the loss of his touch, but forcing myself to step back.

"No," he said, his eyes firmly holding mine, despite my attempts to pry them away. "If things were different, Bella."

"Things are different," I argued, not even caring now about the mess my face must have been in from the crying. "Things became different the day I finished high school."

"They did," he acquiesced, stepping back and cupping his neck with his hand. My heart balked at the familiar gesture and it took all my self-control not to force myself back into his arms. "But you have things to do now. You have to go where I can't follow."

"I don't have to go anywhere."

"You can't wait to get out of Forks. You told me so yourself, Bella."

"I don't care about that. I don't care about college and New York. How can I go to New York and be myself, knowing that I left a part of me behind?"

"I won't have you throw your future away for me. You've been working for this all your life. I will not stand in the way of that. I can't." He threw his hands up in the air, the gesture almost despairing and I was certain that I saw tears stinging at his eyes before he turned away from me. His hand slammed down on top of the metal filing cabinet that stood in the corner of his office, ringing out with a note of aching finality.

"You don't want me," I whispered, my own words tearing a hole in my chest, but I forced myself to stay to hear his answer.

"I can't want you, Bella."

"Right," I said quietly, then again, louder. "Right."

I clawed behind me for the door handle, waiting until it slammed shut behind me before I let the tears flow again. I edged my way along behind the bleachers, not wanting to be seen, shot my mom a text saying I was getting a ride home from a friend, then, as soon as I hit the corridor, I ran.

With tears blurring my vision, I didn't care where I was headed. All I cared about was getting the hell away from that office as fast as possible. I ran, my heels clipping against the floor and throwing me off balance until I kicked them off my feet, abandoning them where they flew and continuing on. Eventually I hit the double doors at the end of a corridor and flung them open, gulping in lungfuls of fresh air that smelled of rain. Of Forks.

I ran on blindly until I found myself in the center of the football field where I had watched him training the team more times than I could count. On the center circle, I let out a cry that burned my lungs as it expelled the pain from my body and fell to my knees, sobbing and wishing that I never entered that office.

Emmett McCarty POV

The sheets of paper fell around me like awkward snowflakes. All of them bowed and danced as they fell to the ground. Looking around my office, I'd made a mess. The moment Bella had opened the door and run, I'd lost all of my self control and started throwing shit in a fit of rage.

It had been the right thing to do, yet I felt like I was being crushed by a damn steam roller. Having Bella that close, begging me to give us a chance, I'd been so close to telling her yes. It had taken everything in me to not pull her into my arms and kiss her until her lips turned that deep pink they did when it was cold.

I'd known I loved her for a long time, but denial could be handy when you wanted to live in blissful ignorance. I'd been selfish in keeping her so close. I'd let her in one too many times and she finally saw through through the smoke screen I'd put up to hide how I felt. I'd known the night she'd come over with her gown over her arm, her cheeks flushed with excitement.

The lingering looks, the touches that lasted a second too long, the smiles; all of it had led to this point and I was the asshole that had just broken her heart. The one thing in the world I wanted and I was pushing her away. She'd been right of course, she was no longer my student, but before we'd had this deep resonating connection, her heart had belonged to Cornell University and New York.

If I'd accepted her request like I'd wanted to, I knew she would end up resenting me. How could she not? Even her parents knew what this meant to her. I'd stood behind them as they'd approached her to congratulate her. I'd heard the excitement in their voices as much as I'd seen it in her eyes.

I'd retreated to my office to pout like a spoiled child and never in a millions years had I thought she'd follow me. I hadn't even hoped to hear the words come out of those perfect lips. She'd declared she'd needed me, but she was mistaken. I was the one that needed her. I'd never felt so much pain as I had in that moment when her face crumpled. I wanted to kiss away the tears and tell her I'd made a mistake. Unfortunately, I knew I hadn't. She had a dream and she needed to follow it. I was not going to be the one to stop her.

The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to destroy something. I wanted to rip a hole in the universe at the unfairness of it all. Knowing she wanted me back was more than I could take because it made her all the more attainable. It would be so easy to go after her and tell her that I would give up everything just to have the chance at being the person she thought I was, that I would follow her to the ends of the earth until I fell dead at her feet. Yet I couldn't. She was so young and had so much life ahead of her.

Colege held so much for her and I didn't want to be the thing that held her back.

I fell into my chair, but got up again and paced the office. I was restless and broken. The only person I had ever met that had managed to get under my skin and I'd pushed her away. She thought I didn't want her . . . it was almost laughable. One minute in my head and she would see just how wrong she really was. All I thought about was her, her legs, long and gangly as she tripped over them, her perfect pert ass that I'd almost been caught staring at on more than one occasion, her tiny fingers, flushed cheeks, chocolate eyes and full lips. All of it attracted me to her, but the one thing that came above all of that was her intellect.

We could talk for hours about books. It was the one time I allowed myself to take her hand and relish her touch. We would take in all of the books laid bare on my shelves, or I would watch as she stacked them as she emptied the boxes in the garage. When I'd asked her about it, it was order of interest. Of course the biggest pile was always her to read pile.

I had been attracted to a lot of people through physicality, but Bella was the only person I'd ever met that had ever attracted me doubly with her brains and beauty. These last couple of weeks had been spent watching her, my mind idiotically traveling to a future we could never have, where her belly was swollen with my child and her smile was just for me.

When she'd left this room, she'd taken my heart with her, and I doubted I would ever find anyone like her again so it would be hers to keep. She was everything to me. I'd fallen so deep that I wasn't even sure how I was supposed to breathe now she'd left. I felt like a lost soul, drifting helplessly. There was no anchor, no point of origin, just an endless sea of darkness that held only memories to keep me going.

For the second time in so many minutes, I fell into the chair again. My body felt tired, my heart felt broken and my head was pounding out a rhythm that could give Metallica a run for their money.

"What the hell did you just do?" Alice demanded, as the door she'd just thrown open slammed against the wall. The gentle patter of dust hitting the linoleum made me cringe.

"I set her free." I sighed, turning my chair away from her. Apparently, according to the wetness on my cheeks I'd been crying.

I'd been expecting her a lot sooner than this, but apparently I wasn't the only one who needed to be alone. Alice knew how I felt about Bella, she'd figured it out after the Harry Potter marathon where I'd only been able to keep my eyes on her. Alice knew my love of the wizarding world, and the moment Bella and Jasper left she confronted me.

"I can't believe you," she'd snapped, her hand on her hips and her cheeks flushed with her fury. She may have been small but she definitely knew how to tell you off. "My best friend, Emmett? You want to seduce my best friend?"

"Wait. What? No, Alice," I said in defense, walking away from her and hoping that she would let it drop. Apparently she wasn't finished though, and she certainly wasn't convinced that I was telling the truth. The moment my butt was planted on the couch, she started in again.

"Oh come on, Emmett. A leopard doesn't change its spots. I'm sorry, but she's not just a cheap whore that you can use and throw away again. I've seen it too many times."

"Fuck you, Alice. Fuck. You." I think that was the first time I had ever dropped expletives at my sister before, but the words struck a nerve. That's who I used to be; that's how I used to be, but not in that moment, and never with Bella.

Alice had just stared at me, her mouth open in shock.

"I love her, Alice," I'd admitted, looking up at her. It was the first and last time I'd ever said it out loud.

Now, here Alice was again, her hands on her hips, her eyes boring holes into the back of my head. I didn't need to see her to know how she was staring at me. I knew her too well. We were both silent for a while, and when I turned my chair around to face her, her eyes moved from narrowed to filled with sadness in a heartbeat. I knew she could see the emptiness, and the heartbreak.

"Oh, Emmett," she sighed, kicking through the papers on her way to my desk. "Jasper went after Bella, she looked terrible. And you . . . I don't think I've ever seen you like this. What happened?"

I rubbed the back of my neck. I couldn't stand the pitying look Alice was giving me so I rested my head on the wood grain of my desk. I wasn't sure how to even describe it.

"She came looking for me, she . . . Alice, she wants to be with me. She said she would give up everything to be with me, but you and I both know she would only end up resenting me. No matter how I feel about her, I had to let her go."

The desk creaked as Alice parked it on the surface. I felt her hand on my back as she let out a sigh. I wanted to be alone with my misery but I knew Alice was going to refuse to leave me like this.

"What do I do, Alice? I never thought I would find that one person. I never truly believed in love before. Then there was Bella, and all I could think about was her, and what a life with her could be like. I fought it, it's wrong for a teacher to feel that way about a student and . . ."

"Emmett, you're twenty four. It's not like you're a leering old man. Bella is eighteen, and above the age of consent. Sure the student/teacher jive was a bad thing, but you never did anything to compromise your integrity. I've never known you to be so restrained. You did the right thing then, but I'm not so sure letting her go was. I know you're trying to do the right thing by her, but have you considered that for her, you're it?"

"Don't, Al."

"I just can't help feeling like you're punishing yourself for no reason."

I don't know why I expected her to understand. She made it sound so easy, but she'd never been to college so there was no way she could ever understand. Bella was a bright star in a vast sky and she had the whole universe to move through. She thought she needed me, but she was too young to know that. She'd been stuck in a small town with the same people all her life, and now she had to go out into the world and discover just what it held for her.

Alice couldn't understand that, because she would see a reflection of that in her relationship with Jasper. But the truth was, they were different. They were the same age, going to the same school, and if it fell apart it would hurt, but they would move on. In order for Bella and I to ever have a chance, one of us would have to give up on our dreams. It would get messy and one of us would be filled with resentment.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?" she asked quietly, her voice filled with unshed tears.

"Make sure Bella's okay. Help her find happiness and help her forget me."

"You're asking the wrong person to do that," she sighed. "Every time she looks at me, she's going to see you, and with that she's going to have a head full of memories to sort through."

She was right and I hated that it was going to be the last time I saw Bella, because the memory of the words was tainted by the shattering of it all in the same breath. I had been blessed with the love of a beautiful, smart and funny girl. Someone who understood me, shared my love of books, and could make me feel alive with a simple smile, and I'd had to let her go. Karma was a nasty, twisted thing, and I guess I'd just paid my debt in full.

"Come on, let's head home. I'll call Jasper later and get an update on Bella."

"You should go to her, Alice. You're her best friend, she needs you."

"Jasper's more than qualified. You're my brother, Emmett. I'm not going anywhere."

"What about Mom and Dad?"

"Sent them to the hotel to clean up for the celebratory dinner they want to take us to in Port Angeles."

I finally consented to leave with her and grabbed my coat from the back of my chair as we left through the side door that led straight to the parking lot. I locked the door behind me as Alice wrapped her arm around my waist and led me to my truck. My arm moved around her shoulder, and for the first time in our lives, the roles were reversed. I was the one falling apart, and Alice was my strength.

Against her better judgment, Alice left to go to dinner and told our parents I was feeling unwell. I didn't want to go anywhere and I sure as hell didn't want to socialize. I thought about my future a lot as I sprawled out on my bed in the darkness. This hadn't worked out the way I'd had intended it to. It was a good school, a small school and I loved teaching here; I just wasn't sure I could contend with the ghosts walking down the corridors.

I was terrified that the echo of her would live in every class, in every slam of the lockers. I knew that every football practice my eyes would move to the spot where she'd sat everyday after school. The house was filled with her laughter and quite possibly some of her blood from all the times she'd fallen over and cut herself.

I'd thought I'd at least have a couple more weeks with her before she left, but that was impossible. She'd been ripped from my life and now I was a lost soul, a dramatic, whining lost soul that could do nothing but lament over a situation he'd created.

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