Little Lindsey runs wildly around my legs, nearly knocking me over, and I already wish I were home. Five minutes after arriving, I already wish I were anywhere but here. Here where Clay's adorably annoying daughter crashes into me. Here where my loving mother and fathers eyes sting into my guilty conscience.
Here where a once completely touchable brunette is now completely untouchable.
How I wish I were home, with that brunette, where she is nothing but touchable.
Oh how I wish.
Sunday dinner is here and with it comes nothing but torture. Torture and awkwardness. And I'm already kind of dying inside from the knots of discomfort. From the rubber band balls of tension. Everyone's shuffling around the kitchen and living room, getting their drinks. Catching up on each others week. Finding their place on this normal-for-them night.
Everyone but Glen, who has another away game. Whose absence is the only blessing on this sure to be shifty and dodgy and nowhere-close-to normal-for-us night.
Someone brushes by me, so soft, like they're barely there. But I know they're there. I know it too well.
I knew their presence before I even felt it.
After last night, I'll forever know who encompasses that unbelievable unique touch.
--------------- My
bed has become the grounds for a fight. A struggle. A competition of
power. Of control. Of who gets to set the pace for this night. Of who
wants this more. But as nails dig down over my hip, and my teeth
pinch a swollen lip between them, I realize there's no struggle
here. There's no fight. We both want this in equally
overwhelming amounts. Side pressed to side, body threaded
and tangled with body, we move together, effortlessly and
harmoniously. Rocking together right in time. My hips roll into her,
searching for something they've never searched harder for in their
life. Unless it was against my own hand. And even then it could never
come close to comparing with this. Because this time, it's
actually her and not my own creation of her. It's not my
imagination. And she gives me so much more than my measly imagining
fingers ever could. Ashley breathes into my ear,
incoherent words I don't understand, but meaningless words that
mean the world. Her lips smooth down my neck, tingling every nerve in
my body as my hand slips beneath her shirt. Feeling her skin for the
first time. Feeling like I'm feeling a bare body for the first
time. It's so smooth, so soft, so unlike the bodies of men I've
skimmed my fingers across in the past. This skin is
heaven. Her body reacts to my touch. Her body rocks
further against me, as I feel it so hot against my singing hand.
Smooth fingertips fit perfectly inside the curve of her spine.
Instinctively and immediately drawing a straight line down it.
Agonizingly slow. Dripping drops of my hot touch into the shallow
crevice, and as she shivers against me, as she pants my name, I know
what I'm doing is good. I know she likes it. I know it's doing to
her what her lips are doing to me. And it floods my
center with more arousal than I thought possible. Suddenly,
a leg swings over my body, never breaking contact as it wraps around
me. Pulling her body with it, she straddles my hips. Before I can
blink an eye, she has my hands pinned to the pillow above my head;
holding them there roughly. She stares down on me with so
much sincerity, with so much affection, completely contrasting her
fingers tight hold of my wrists, that it makes me so unbelievably
hot. Hotter than I've ever been. Hotter than the hottest inferno,
and in this moment, I know things are now in her control. She's
setting the pace from here on out, and while I fought her for it mere
minutes before, I'm not going to fight any more. Right now, in
these seconds, with her holding every ounce of control over me, I
don't care. I'm handing her everything I am...with no
hesitation. The bed creaks as she leans over me. The wind
outside whistles as she licks her lips. Everything is so amazingly
intense. So beyond sensual. I've never known this kind of
intimacy. I've never felt so close to orgasm, and we've
barely even touched. Lips hover over mine like a metal
detector, and I'm finding it hard to swallow. My throat feels so
dry as her eyes never leave my eyes. Seconds feel like hours as she
remains above me, just like that, keeping us connected in every way
but through our mouths. Where I want her most. And
then she gives it to me. The bed comes to life again as her lips push
against mine. Kissing me with sizzling love I've never ever known.
A crafty, definitely experienced tongue teasingly licks at the skin
below my bottom lip. Flicking over the curved dimple where chin meets
mouth. And it drives me crazy. It pushes my center against her ass
more and more and maybe that's why she keeps doing it. Maybe it's
why she keeps driving me closer and closer to an edge that might kill
me. A plummet that might take me forever with it. But I
could care less. I want it to take me Because
right now, in this moment, I know I'm already drowning a beautiful
death between my clenching soaked legs.
---------------
Sitting in my usual seat, across from her blazing eyes. Next to my clueless father. And inside my own hopeless turned on cage, I feel myself burn away in Novembers chill.
I feel myself on fire in the unfamiliar familiarity of everything around me.
Everyone's settling into their own respective seats. Mom and dad on opposite ends of the table. Clay across from Chelsea. Putting Ashley and me right among the couples who are facing each other.
Ashley and me. A couple created last night. A couple of best friends seeing each other in a new naked bright light.
Ashley and me.
A couple that is not a couple.
"Ashley?"
Moms voice calls Ashleys startled eyes from my shift ones. Looking alarmed and anxious, she nods her answer, waiting for what we all know Paula's going to ask.
"Would you mind saying grace for us tonight?"
Ashley smiles, nervously, and I wonder if it's because she feels as guilty as me. I wonder if she feels as unholy as me, burning with sin at this rather holy table.
Hands hold hands, eyes close patiently. But it's her eyes that remain on mine, holding hands across the table with a look. A look that makes us both gulp. A look that feels like it'll never let go.
"Bless Us O Lord, for these thy gifts which we are about to receive..."
That comforting voice rasps in way that makes sitting at this table beyond uncomfortable.
Crossing my legs, she holds my stare.
--------------- "God
Spencer, I want you so fucking much." Her lips smack
away from my mouth, breathing above me, hands still clamped around
mine. Our chests pant and pant, batting into each other with every
exaltation. "Just so much. Since the first time I saw
you in the Bean that day." She whispers her confessions,
her truths, her secrets that hit me all at once. Hitting me so hard I
think I might have even whimpered. Her eyes drift over my
eyes, down my nose, across my lips, and between the non existent line
our bodies haven't drawn. Slowly, brown falls into blue, as she
lets one hand untangle from my fingers, softly and naturally
dribbling down the inside of my arm. Where the skin is so soft, so
sensitive, so chill inducing. Leaning in with intentional
hesitancy, "so pretty" puffs from her mouth against my nose
before she kisses the corner of my lips. Before she places kiss for
kiss on every inch of my skin. Over my cheeks, fluttering against my
jaw, licking to my ear. "You know I love you,
right?" All I can do is moan and mumble an agreeing
reply. "You know I've never wanted anyone as much as I
want you?" All I can do is die inside with a
nod. "Because I do Spencer, so much. So much that I
still can't believe I have you right here and right now." All
I can do is melt between those lips drawing dizzying patterns down my
neck. All I can do is blend with those butter fingers, sliding over
my sides, careful to not touch the outside of my flattened breasts.
Careful to not give me everything I need more than anything.
Courageous hands slip beneath my too big t-shirt,
tentatively skimming my waist, making my muscles contract and relax
over and over again as she inches her way closer. Closer to where I
am bra-less. Closer to why I can't stop arching into her hands.
Arching more and more into her tight body. Lips glide over
mine as if we have never done this with anyone else. As if our open
mouths belong to no one but each other. In a flash, her
fingers disappear from beneath my shirt, and I'm about to moan in
protest, when I feel those same fingers tugging at the bottom hem of
it.
---------------
"So what did you do last night Spence?"
Almost dropping the fork between my fumbling fingers, I flounder for an answer.
"I...uh..." Glimpsing from Ashley's unnerving amused look, I turn to Chelsea "...Madison and I watched TV and then I crashed."
"Ahh took it easy, huh? Strange isn't it? How old we are? Remember the days we stayed out till practically sunrise?"
Clay laughs, in agreement, and I can't stop the flooding inside my center, remembering the last time I stayed up all night.
Remembering last night, where I stayed awake till sunrise.
Fucking the girl across from me. The brunette with the wicked untouchable grin.
--------------- Hands
tug at the bottom of my Shins concert tee, beckoning me to sit up
with her. So I do. I lift my sluggishly
turned on body to meet hers. Allowing her legs to wrap around my slim
waist, actually pulling them further with my hands holding her
thighs. Bringing her light body to sit inside my little lap. Our
faces millimeters apart, we smile, a genuine peanut butter and jelly
smile. A brief moment of our former selves shining through, mixed
with our newfound selves sliding in between. Because it's a smile
we've worn on our faces so many other times; and it's a smile
that means the most right inside this moment. Cause we're
finally seeing everything. We're finally seeing each other in all
the ways we've always dreamt about. The realization
brings my fingers to her cheek, without even realizing it; whispering
over the flushed skin with the softest zigzag touches. Just taking in
all that she is. Just taking all that is mine for maybe only
tonight. And her eyes tell me she knows. She knows just
what I'm doing. She's feeling those same exact PB&J
thoughts. She can't believe we're together like this
either. We're finally everywhere we should be. And
then we're finally kissing again. We're kissing for the
realization. We're kissing for the proximity. We're
kissing because we finally can. Breaking apart, far too
soon for my liking, a groan escapes my lips because of it, and with a
light sexy chuckle, she cups my neck once more. Suddenly, she eyes my
glazed ones dead on. And even through the glaze I read her serious
look word for word. I completely understand she's saying she loves
me with that look. She's saying all the words she
doesn't have the time to say now. And then she's
lifting my shirt, and it feels like forever. But I let her take her
time, because she's sucking on my throat. Because she's nailing
my untouched skin. Because she makes me feel numbly good
as she bares everything I hide. My t-shirt flies behind
her body, and I see her eyes staring down at my naked chest. I see
her getting lost inside my frozen nipples. I feel her fingers
tentatively drawing over them. I hear my sharp intakes of
breath filling the silent static space between us. Before her
delicate voice whispers her wishes inside it. "Lie
down"
---------------
"Mom and dad, if it's ok with you..." Clay smiles towards his daughter next to his wife "...Chells and I were thinking we might throw Linds a fifth birthday party here next week? We would have it at our place, but it's so small and-"
"Of course honey!"
My mom, always the hostess, exclaims into the air.
But I'm already lost in the conversation. I'm already missing from this table, as a foot pokes suggestively at mine. A foot pulls my eyes across the table to hers. Where she's eating as if no one's watching. Where she's undressing me with her eyes as if we were alone.
As if we're right back inside the sanctuary of my bed.
---------------
"Ashley." Rumbles from my lips
between a moan, saying it to ask for more without having to ask for
it. Saying it to reaffirm she's really here with me. To reaffirm
that it's not my hand dragging nails over the insides of my thighs.
It's not my hand mutely thrusting into my body. That
it's really her, and as if she understands, she rasps "Spence"
reassuringly, as her lips drag across my abdomen. Leaving a sticky
trail in their wake. A trail I hope will still be sticky
tomorrow. A trail I hope will never unstick. I'm
practically naked beneath her fully clothed body. Just my white
cotton bikini briefs between us. Just my simple underwear coming
between a complicated situation. And then her fingers are
rolling over the band at my hips. Her hands are palming the outside
of my thighs, feigning innocence. As if she weren't trying to take
off my underwear. Pretending she were only touching me.
Pretending she had no other motives. But I know the truth. She's
getting both. She's having me how she wants me while she inches for
everything else she wants. She's having her cake and
eating it too. But I don't mind. "Take them
off." Grunts from my whimpering mouth, as I hand her the
whole damn bakery with a silver fork.
Her hands peel away my
clothes as if I were an orange. Delicately and gently. Taking her
time to perfectly undress my shivering body. Leaving nothing between
us. Lips trailing behind her hands, she touches me on every unmarked
spot. She tastes me everywhere, leaving her mark everywhere it's
not already.
---------------
I'm lactose-intolerant. But my mother still loves to make all my favorite desserts. She still loves to practically shove them in my face.
Like right now. Key Lime pie, my favorite, sits between me and Ashley [my other favorite, and it all seems kind of cruel. The way my favorite dessert and my favorite sex sit right before me. So close.
And so out of my reach.
Everyone's had a piece, but me, and of course I'm pouting on the inside. I'm ridiculously pouting until I look up from the pie to Ashley [my true and real favorite
And then I'm ridiculously blushing and smiling.
Because her lips turn in a way that is too familiar and too close to last night.
--------------- Ashleys
breath paints condensation so close to where I'm so wet. Her
moisture is so close to pooling with mine. "Spence..."
a voice so husky whispers so high on my thigh, "...look at
me." She gently orders from low on my body, and I can't
help but try with all my might to pry my clasped eyes open. Although
it's practically pitch black in my room, I can still see the
outline of her face and her features on it. I can still see
everything as the moon shines perfectly over her profile. The
moon shows those pouty-because-they're-swollen lips mouthing "I
love you" And then she's sliding back up my body.
She's dragging every inch of her over me. And it's kind of
torturous, being so close to everything I've ever wanted, and
instantly losing it. But still feeling it all the
same. "I want to see you..." shakily breathes into my
ear "...I want to see you as I do this." And then her
fingers are inside me. But they're not really inside me. They're
just close enough to feel that way. Fumbling over my entrance.
Feeling me out like we felt lips earlier. Tips of fingers trace over
my every angle and plane. My every curve and dip. My every
nerve. Tips of fingers move far too easily against me.
Drawing everywhere, scribbling outside every one of my lines. I'm
panting so hard. Like seriously panting, and I don't know if it's
from the pleasure or the anticipation. I don't know if it's from
all my fantasies or the reality of those fantasies coming to
life. My whimpers escalate, elevating an octave higher
with each one. So high I don't even recognize my own squeaking
voice. But she keeps on touching me. She keeps on pushing
through my folds, gently, too gently. Barely touching me. Just
skimming my slick surfaces. Just grazing my glazed points. Just
driving me crazy by giving me pieces of everything. Pieces of
everything that is me. With all my might, I open my eyes
and look at her. I look into her eyes, and I realize why she's
touching me so languidly. I realize she's not really
touching me for my pleasure but for hers. But then, as I try and
focus more on her wide eyes, I realize she's not even touching me
for her pleasure either. She's feeling me out to do just
that. She's feeling me out to feel me out. To feel everything I am.
Like an explorer to uncharted waters, she feels me to read me. To
understand me. To see me in all the ways she's never known. To
learn my body. To make it hers.
---------------
The lights outside my parents house are off. Painting this new world so dark. My brothers taillights fade out in the distance. Leaving me inside this new world with only her. My anxious pants create clouds in the cold as I walk to my car.
Pushing us further into this new world that is only ours now.
"So..."
Breathes beside me as I fidget with the key to my '98 Bronco.
"So..."
I turn my eyes towards her as my door unlocks.
"No buttons this time?"
We stay like that, just staring, my body still facing my car. Staring until she quirks her lips, giving me a small crooked smirk. And that's all I need. That's what drives me over the edge.
One burdened but electric sigh blows past my lips, as I push into her. As I finally push her into my unlocked door.
Crashing my lips over hers for a short heavy needy kiss.
I keep my hands clenched around the collar of her pea coat [not even realizing they were ever there, as I pull away just far enough to mutter into the cold air between us. Warming her lips with my breaths condensation.
"No buttons."
Eyes already glazed over, she licks her lips. Most likely chapping them in this bitter cold Ohio air.
"Should I..." She seems dizzy as she falls towards me slightly "...want me to follow you home?"
Too scared to admit why she's really following me, she slides her hands under my jacket, cupping my hips.
And too lost inside that touch and my own arousal, I can only nod. Whispering a quiet "please" against her lips, before I greedily suck them between my guilty ones.
--------------- When
I come, Ashley is on top of me. Her fingers so far inside me, two of
them deeply curling. Somehow touching me deeper than any person, any
man, has ever touched me before. When I come, I shudder
and shake against her palm. Panting her name, over and over again, as
if I've never said another name in my life. When I come,
Ashley collapses on my sweaty body. Absentmindedly kissing away the
salt from my shoulder. When I come, I curl myself into a
safe ball inside Ashley's strong shaking arms. Wrapping ourselves
in a tight cocoon, on my warm bed. Safe until the morning
light. Safe until I breathe again. Safe until
I gently push her from my shoulder, rolling us over on my bed. Safe
until I slyly whisper "My turn". Dipping my greedy
tongue between her beautiful lips. Tasting my tainted
salt inside her guilty mouth.