She woke up in daze and all the stuff that had happened came rushing back, drowning her in sorrow. The self mutilation only magnified the pain this time, it didn't inhibit it. Everyone was gone and there was nothing she could do about it. Images of her stepfather kept popping up in her head.

She managed to dress herself. As she headed down towards the kitchen she took the key from the counter and threw it across the room with all the might she could muster. Ella saw the remnants of what Ville was attempting to cook that night. It was the Finnish-style pancakes. She was beginning to clean it up when there was a light knock on the door.

She unlocked the door and walked away.

"Come in..." she yelled to whomever.

It could've been some infamous Finnish serial killer or Britney Spears. At this point, what was the point of caring? She bent to clean the food with her bare hands just as another pair of hands clasped hers. Of course, it was Ville. She looked up at him with empty, lifeless eyes. He might as well not have been there. He looked at her, then down at her arms expecting the worst.

"You really need help. This is ridiculous. You're being really selfish. It's really hurting my heart."

"At least you feel like you have one," she said in a robotic voice.

"Stop talking such nonsense. You go on upstairs and wash up. I'll take care of this. After all, I'm the one who made the mess. I'll be up in a second."

She moved like a ghost. He could feel and see that she had hit absolute rock bottom. Everything that was happening to her was straight out of a horror movie. He finished cleaning up the kitchen and then headed upstairs. He knocked politely on the bathroom door. The shower was running as he stepped in. She was just lying in the tub letting the water cover her body making no attempt to clean herself. The dried blood on her body came back to life slithering down and into the drain. She stared directly in front of her not even acknowledging he was there.

Instinctively, he bent down, rolled his sleeves up, and started washing her with the lathered cloth. She still didn't acknowledge him, not caring that he saw her naked and nevertheless washing her. Her being naked wasn't important. Sex was not on his mind. Ville couldn't help but notice the faded, but clearly visible scars all over her body; on her upper thighs, hips, stomach. Those horrendous things were everywhere. A big knot was in his throat. He sheepishly touched some of the scars as he stroked her hair.

"Why, Ella, why? I don't understand..." he was now washing the dried blood off of the recent scars.

He could not help but ask. She did not answer. He washed and rinsed her, then turned off the faucet. She was like one big rag doll. He put a towel around her and laid her on the bed. It was clear that she was in no state to do anything for herself.

Random images popped into her head and she couldn't stop them. She felt like she was out of her body, just watching everything that was happening before her. His question kept repeating inside her head, but she couldn't think of speaking right now. No thought of embarrassment or shame arose in you as he rummaged through her clothes and put them on her. Finally, he was finished and he lay beside her just touching the scars with a hint of sadness and confusion in his eyes.

"Because I want to live free or die trying..." she managed to say in the smallest voice.

She was suddenly back in her body. Little tears were beginning to well up in her eyes and were sliding down the sides of her face. He propped his head up with his hand looking at her sideways.

"What's that?" he asked while still caressing her scars.

"You asked why. Well, because I want to live free of the emotional pain my life has put me through or die trying."

"You're still in pain when you do that. It's obviously not the solution."

"I want to be in control of the pain."

"What you're doing is showing me that you're not in control of anything. You're letting your emotions take control of your life, love. You're not in control of anything."

Everything he was saying was true. What was she in control of? Absolutely nothing and that's something she has to learn in life. Not one person is ever in control of everything around them. If it were true, then everybody's life would be as they wished it to be. She couldn't control the fact that her father was in a shady business and put his life at risk, she couldn't have prevented what happened to her mom or Martin. The last thing her mom would have wanted was for her to follow in her footsteps. Her mom's feelings took control of her and she did the most selfish thing a person could ever do.

She left Ella to fend for yourself. The worst thing a mother can do is abandon her child for her own selfish reasons. Ella didn't want to end up like her.

"I know I'm wrong..." she admitted in defeat.

"I'm glad you're beginning to see that. Could you promise me something?"

She looked at him.

"Whenever you feel bad in any way, please, call me. Anywhere, anytime. I want to help."

She nodded and laced her fingers with his raising her arm to look at both of their arms locked together. She chuckled slightly.

"Oh, now you're laughing? I really don't get how you work," he smiled his smile with a hint of sadness still.

"I was just thinking."

"Thinking what exactly?"

"I guess all this crap we've been through makes us a sort-of, weird couple. Even if it has just been less than-"

He frowned slightly, but smiled again.

"Time isn't important," he kissed her hand. "I can't believe you're just beginning to figure that out, love. Do you see Jonna anywhere?"

"I guess not."

[b]~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ [/b]

"I guess all this crap we've been through makes us a sort-of, weird couple. Even if it has just been less than-"

"Time isn't important," he said. "I can't believe you're just beginning to figure that out, love. Do you see Jonna anywhere?"

"I guess not."

The feedback on the microphone in his ear was a little difficult to sift through, but he managed to hear the conversation.

He took a drink and motioned the bartender for another shot.

"Got anything?" someone asked him in a gruff voice.

"No, just love bullshit."

"Well, he's expecting something soon. This girl knows something and he wants to know what. It's your precious life on the line."

"I know," he said with a bit of an edge. "You think I'd bug her house if I didn't expect to get anything out of it?"

"Well, you're pretty new to this business. Don't think too highly of yourself. It could get you killed."

"Oh, fuck off and go tell your boss I'll get him what he wants."

The man left the bar and put up his collar as he stepped out into the rain.

[b]~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~ [/b]

"Let's change the scenery a bit. Why don't we go up to my loft?" Ville asked.

"Won't the guys mind?" Ella asked.

"They're not there tonight," he said as lifted her off the bed.

He carried her in his arms and looked directly into her eyes.

"You're so beautiful, my darling..."

"Tsk-tsk, Mr. Valo..."

"What?" he smiled.

"You shouldn't try to woo me with song lyrics. I already know your every line."

"I guess you caught me."

When they finally got to the loft, he let her down then unlocked the door. She walked in and immediately turned around to look at him.

"So what do you feel like doing?" she asked.

"It's your choice."

She fell back on the couch. It was obvious to him what she wanted. As he leaned in to kiss her he realized something and chuckled. She opened her eyes looking puzzled, but amused.

"What is it? I don't think this is the most appropriate time to laugh."

"I just realized how horribly I dressed you."

"It's not going to matter one way or the other," she raised her eyebrows.

His lips finally met hers; the sweetest, softest lips he could ever hope to kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair and kissed him even more deeply.

"I love you," Ville managed to say in between kisses.

She managed to mutter something back.