CHAPTER 14: GUILT

I tried to keep my mouth closed, I tried to control my breathing, but it didn't work. I let go of my breath and let the sobs shake my body.

I curled helplessly into a ball as I waited for the tears to run dry. I hadn't even bothered to take out my knife. There was no use anymore.

I used to think that by cutting I was saying something; it was like my cry for help. I wanted; no I needed someone to hand me love.

But I'm done shouting if no one's gonna listen. I would try to kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward. I don't want anyone to waste time on finding my body or anything like that. I just don't want them to waste their time on me.

I think I felt guilt. I felt so guilty for everything, like it was my fault that the Circle destroyed everyone's lives. But it wasn't like that. I knew it wasn't.

But why did I still have the empty feeling growing in me, slowly sinking me in this abyss we call life?

I was there when Jesse died, I had seen fall and disappear. He was too young to die. He was only sixteen. He didn't know what he was doing.

My eyes started getting burly as another sob took hold of me. I could feel the tears gently landing on my hands.

But here's the real thing I hate about that story, it's that I ran. I could have saved him. But I didn't.

No, I decided to stand there until my intuition kicked in and I ran from danger. Until I found myself climbing back into my bedroom window trying to process what had just happened.

"Run." That was Jesse's last word.

That was my only consolation. That I had done what he wanted me to do.

But I much rather be rebellious and still have him, than obedient and without him.

Honestly, I'd give anything to still have him.

That's when the tears came naturally and I bet that not even God Almighty could stop them now.

I felt myself slowing sinking.

I was drowning. I wouldn't make it much farther than this. I was too weak.

Two hours later the tears had dried and the emotions had disappeared.

I walked away from the deserted forest and back to the group. Chase was the first one to come to me.

"She's awake."

That was all he said, and with that he disappeared to do God knows what.

I walked to Cameron Morgan's tent, where she was supposed to be unconscious.

When I walked in she was, in fact, awake and as soon as she processed me, she started asking questions like: Where am I? Who are you? And a bunch of other questions you ask when you get kidnapped. I sighed and let her finish asking her questions.

After she realized that I was going to answer absolutely none of them, she gave me her full attention.

"Do you know a Sam Pine?" I asked in a bored tone.

"What do you know about Sam? What did you do to her?!" and then she tried to lunge at me. Thankfully the other boys had thought to put restraints on her.

After she calmed down (again), I began speaking (again).

"A few weeks ago I let her out of a Circle Base and now I want to find her. I know you know her and you're gonna help us find her or else."

And then I walked out.

Now I bet you weren't expecting this, but I actually was freaking out on the inside. I mean the last time I spoke to someone of the female gender was my mother. And that on its own is a failure.

I was also freaking out because her dad killed my brother. I mean, when I put those two together, I fainted in the van and I woke up 10 minutes later, surrounded by a bunch of concerned Blackthorne Boys.

But now I walked out of the ten and almost bumped into Blackthorne Boys again.

I walked briskly through the guys and tried to go back to the forest. Key word: tried.

"You didn't really think that would work, did you?" I abruptly turned around and watched in complete shock as Cameron Morgan walked out of the tent, restraints gone.

I crossed my arms over my chest and put on my cover. "No, but I thought I'd give it a shot."

She made a face, like I had just repulsed her. Although that's the reaction I get from most girls life. The others don't even notice I'm there.

She put her hands on her hips and said, "Don't try that, smartass. Now why do you want to find Sam Morgan?"

"What I'm not allowed to look for the well-being of others?" I said sarcasm in my voice.

"No, not when it's not someone you know. In fact, it's creepy."

"Aww, you hurt my feelings. Now shut up and tell us what you know so we can take you back to the princess academy and then we all can just go back to the way things were, hmm?" I raised my eyebrows as I said this.

I turned around and started to make my way back to the forest when I heard her call, "You don't know anything about her!"

Without facing her I shouted, "Well that's why you're here!"

"You're nothing but an assassin! A Murder! That's what you all are!" She shouted to the earth.

I turned around and walked straight towards her and grabbed her arm so she would look me in the eyes. "Just like I know nothing about Sam, you know nothing about me. And if I were you I'd be careful because I have a reason to hate you."

"What reason?" she challenged.

"I don't know, ask your father." I said venom lacing my voice.

She met me at my level, "He's missing."

"Good" I smirked dropping her hand, and then I walked away leaving 19 Blackthorne Boys and 1 Gallagher Girl in shock.

Back on the rock where I had cried my eyes out 2 hours and 10 minutes ago, I thought about what my mother had told me.

"Don't worry Zach. I'll make sure they pay."

My head fell into my hands.

Great, more guilt to place on my shoulders.

And then it hit me, the real reason I was looking for this Sam girl. It was an apology, in a way. If I could get her back then I wouldn't feel that bad. After all, this Cameron girl had lost her father. If I could give Sam back to her, then maybe she won't hate me as much.

How was that?

Again I'd like your impute on a new story I'm thinking of writing. It's gonna be based off various songs from Taylor Swift's new album Red (OMG has anyone heard that yet?) and yea...

It's mainly about Cammie feeling like she's losing Zach and this whole interior struggle with herself. So if you like the idea, please tell me review or PM me or something.

Okay that's about it...

OH WAIT I HAVE A TWITTER!

so it's called smileforlovenow. You can follow, it's not protected or anything and I follow back so yea check that out.

Lots of Love,

Danie