PERHAPS ONE DAY
Forward moving progress, yes? We all want that? Let's get to it soon, kay?
Title: The things we wish we didn't know.
Rating: T
Pairings: Tony/Ziva
Warning: Season 8 - Spoiler
Summary: As much as she wishes she didn't know, she does. And there is nothing that she can do about it.
AN: These pieces make me think. That's a good thing, right?
DISCLAIMER: We do not disclaim the things that we claim. We disclaim the things that claim us.
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She knows.
It is obvious to her for so many different reasons. The look in his eye combined with his careful aloofness tells of the one thing that she has trouble swallowing. She is a hypocrite, and she continuously beats herself up over it.
Her uncanny ability to read him at any given moments brings her more pain than she would like to admit. If she didn't know him so well she is certain that her heart wouldn't catch painfully whenever he evades her eyes. She is just glad she is good at hiding her feelings, because the thought of him knowing half of the things she is feeling causes her stomach to churn.
She really tries to hide it, and she is positive that she fails. Some things she can't hide from him. For as well as she knows him he knows her just as well. It scares her, but she can do nothing to change it.
"You're avoiding me again," he says. He still isn't truly looking at her though.
His words do not make her jump, because she sensed him long before he actually stepped up next to her. Yet she still feels caught off guard and her heart pounds steadily against her ribcage as she struggles to keep her breathing normal. "What is there to avoid?" Her attempt at levity falls flat, but she keeps her brittle smile upon her face nonetheless. "I have just been busy. Paperwork is a bitch, yes?" She uses the same phrase that he has used many times before because she needs him to agree with her. If they don't argue he will go away. It's a philosophy she hopes is true.
He nods his agreement, but his eyes are suddenly caught with hers, and they do not waver the way she had hoped. His gaze is steadfast and she feels an uncomfortable itch form just below the surface because he won't look away.
"What?" she asks. She turns to face him slightly. Having her back to him, while she looks over her shoulder, makes her feel more vulnerable than she will allow herself.
The shake of his head is firm and resolute, and she knows that he is simply bidding his time before he says something life changing. She just doesn't know if she has the stomach for it. "What's got you so distracted?" he questions. She gulps thickly because she knows he won't drop it. When she attempts to push yet another excuse on paperwork he glares at her, and she feels her own temper begin to rise to contend with his own. "If you say paperwork I'll make Gibbs slap you."
"You cannot make Gibbs do anything." She calls his bluff; she is one of the only people who will. She wonders if he realizes this.
"You are lying," he says. He sounds too smug for his own damn good, and she wants to smack that look right off of his face. "And nobody likes a liar."
There is something that blossoms in her chest at his words. It starts small, and the heat of it seems to start a fire within her heart and soon it is burning bright. She feels shame and anger. These feelings tend to fuel her actions as well as her words. Now is no exception. "You must not be well liked then, yes?" Her words taste like liquid fire, but they leave a satisfying feeling running through her mind despite the guilt she feels afterwards.
He does not react the way she hopes. Instead of retaliating with an insult of his own he stands back and stares at her as if he expected better. She doesn't like the way it causes her emotions to flip, nor does she like the fact that he is allowed to pity her. She doesn't need his pity. "You know," he states. His tone is not accusing, just a mere statement of fact. It causes her to deflate faster than anything else would have. Not enough to make her admit to it though.
"What is it that I know Tony?" She's playing her cards the only way she knows how. Her father used to tell her "deny, deny, deny. It is the only way for you to keep up your lies". It's one of the only worthwhile things that he gave her.
The way Tony looks at her nearly causes her undoing, but she stays strong by biting the inside of her lip so he can't see her struggle. He shakes his head at her attempt of denial, but he doesn't push her. "You don't need to avoid me," he says. "We are friends." Nothing has ever felt like more of a punch in the stomach than those words right there. Suddenly all she wants to do is fight with him.
She turns back to her desk, folding her arms in front of her as she stares at the speck of dust that lines her computer screen. She makes a mental note to clean it later, when she doesn't feel as though she might be suffocating. "Yeah, friends." She knows she sounds distracted, but she doesn't really think that she can be blamed for it. She tries to recall a time when he has called them friends; she can't seem to think of one.
"Ziva?" He is leaning over her, but she ignores him. She is too lost in her thoughts to do anything but sit back and wonder. "Ziva?" he calls.
She is shaken out of it by his hand on her shoulder. His touch feels warm through the sleeve of her jacket, and she relishes in it for a brief moment before she shakes of his grip. She can't handle him touching her. Not when she knows he has been touching somebody else. She gives him a half a smile. One that she hopes does not look nearly as fake as it feels. "You are right, Tony. We are friends." Only friends. Even though she doesn't really voice her thoughts she feels like she doesn't need to. It's obvious even to her, and she knows that that says something in itself.
She knows everything, and she really really wishes that she didn't.
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1,038; unbetaed.
~ Thanks for sticking with me everyone. I will definitely be replying to all of your reviews because I like to be in contact with everyone. I was just making sure that you didn't mind a bit of waiting in between my replies.