Who Cares Which Came First? The Chicken is Drunk and the Eggs Are All Broken!
by Isabella (The December Project)
On the writing of this chapter: Well, school is here again and I typed much of this from my dorm room, enjoying a nice hot cup of chicken ramen... except that I forgot forks. Anyway, this time I'm giving you two for one, so remember to leave a review for me. There are only a few chapters left, so enjoy!
On you pressing the review button: If I can reach 100 reviews for this, it will make my year. Would you please leave something short and sweet for me? I'd really appreciate it. If you are ":)"ing or "lol"ing or even "roflmao"ing, let me know.
Chapter XIV: Intermission: Impossible (part 2)
Thud.
There was a draft where his pants used to be.
At that moment, Hitsugaya realized something. His partner had been making a concerted effort to tease him a little less around "the kids." How it would affect those kids at all, he didn't know, but the real Hinamori wouldn't be making fun of him... or his pantslessness. He looked at her for another second. Nope, not real. He knew that whatever had created this strange perversion of Hinamori hadn't done it quite right. Her cheeks were pinker, her eyes were deeper, and her voice was lighter. She was way better at coming up with insults. And she'd probably give him her own pants if he was without them. That was just the way she was.
Also, she was pale as death. The girl should tan more.
He shook himself awake.
Classroom.
Nomura looked up at him as he came flying at her with the fury of ten thousand bunny rabbits. "Hitsugaya Toushiro... pass."
.x.x.x.
"ACHOO!"
Hinamori cried as the allergen-producing big-eyed killing machines known as "puppies" surrounded her. She looked up at the cause- her partner, Hitsugaya, Toushiro, her dear little Shiro-chan.
He'd become a power-hungry jerk. Wait, when had that happened? Sure he was vain and annoying and stupid and short and had a bad temper and ate gross foods and was tan like a burnt cracker and bleached his hair white and took eight hour long baths and...
.x.x.x.
Renji watched his partner and the idiot strawberry and his other ten admirers skip off into the distance holding hands and giggling. He was all alone... But then...
"Abarai."
Sweet, merciful lord... Byakuya was walking toward him. And then, in a completely monotone voice that may have been filled with longing, he declared, "Leap into my arms, Abarai. I have always loved you." Who was he to argue?
But as he snuggled with his weirdly affectionate captain, he realized something was maybe perhaps wrong... possibly. No, it wasn't this cuddlefest. Renji realized that his pure, unbridled sexuality could seduce both men and women. It was the tattoos. Even Byakuya couldn't resist.
The problem was Tatsuki... She hated everyone equally. That was what made her wonderful... if wonderful meant "a crazy psychotic bitch with no real personal attachments and a lust for blood." At least she didn't discriminate. So this wasn't right. It was actually all wrong...
He had his face in the floor. Oh. That was okay. He looked up. There was a little white thing wrapped around Nomura's face. It might have been chewing on her head. Oh. That was okay. It was just Toushiro. He picked up a chair and decided to join in.
"Abarai Renji... pass."
.x.x.x.
...and smelled funny and had a gigantic head, but Shiro-chan wasn't like that. He'd never take over a parking lot for his own selfish gain.
So when she woke up, Hinamori was convinced that he was strangling Nomura with his legs for the sake of justice. "Go, Shiro-chan! Go!"
"Hinamori Momo... pass."
.x.x.x.
Tatsuki woke up because she got sick of her stupid dream. Seeing violence occurring, she was happy to help. "Hey, Abarai- hand me a leg of that chair."
He broke off a leg and handed it to her.
"Thanks."
"Arizawa Tatsuki... pass."
.x.x.x.
Ishida finally had to take a breath in the middle of his five year old girl scream. At that moment, he realized that Orihime might need him. And he was just standing around screaming. His pride! His honor! His vocal chords! He woke up.
"Ishida Uryuu... pass."
.x.x.x.
As Aizen and Orihime sat making daisy crowns for the rest of the class, Orihime remembered something. "Wait... you're allergic! That's why there aren't flowers in your doomy-lair of doom!"
"I became unallergic!" he whined.
"Oh. Okay." She completed another chain.
"Orihime, you should stay here forever. We can be bestest friends. It'll be awesome. What do you say, Hime-chan?"
Orihime though about this. "Hmm ...Okay, Ai-kun! But I want to invite Ishida, too. He likes making pretty things. Just a few days ago, he made me little pouches for my babies. I bet he'd be the best at making daisy chains!"
Aizen crossed his arms and pouted. "But he's so boring..."
Orihime stood up and dropped her flowers. "If you don't want to be friends with Ishida, then we can't be bestest friends, either! Also, I just remembered that you're totally evil. And when we made daisy chains in Hueco Mundo, you just set them on fire!"
"Umm... I didn't mean to?" Aizen shrugged.
"You're a jerk!"
The force of Orihime's foot hitting Aizen's- well, it was enough to startle her awake.
She looked around. "Ishida!" He glanced at her and adjusted his glasses.
He cleared his throat just before she tackled him in a hug. "Yesh, hello, Inoue. Wouljyou be kind enough to tell me whach's going on ere?" He was muffled by her chest in his face.
"I was making the prettiest daisy chains with Aizen, and he just loves pretty flowers, Ishida, but then he said we should be bestest friends, and then he said you were boring so I kicked him like this- Oh! Sorry, Ishida!"
Ishida whimpered and dropped to the floor.
"Inoue Orihime... pass."
"Hey, where does that voice keep coming from?" Reji had ceased beating his teacher in the face with the three remaining legs of his chair.
"Rip her to shreds, Shiro! Put a little jaw in it!" Hinamori paused briefly to ponder this. "Hmm... Not her?" She pointed at Nomura's chair, filled with a life sized blowup substitute teacher.
"Now that's just uncalled for."
"Oh. Oops." Tatsuki pulled her single chair leg out of the doll's stomach. It deflated.
"Where is she?"
They all looked around, until someone noticed something else. "Hey, Ichigo and Rukia are gone, too!"
.x.x.x.
Aren't you going to kiss me?
"What did you say?" Ichigo found himself staring at Rukia. He couldn't get his jaw closed.
"I said... I want you to kiss me, Ichigo." She said it authoritatively. Like she would any time she was demanding something. She leaned in, her eyes sharp. Her hand slowly wrapped around his arm. Her fingers were long and thin. He hadn't noticed before.
And her eyelashes were so long. And her irises were so deep. And she was so close. If he just moved the slightest bit, they'd be...
"Rukia..." He was careful to pull back a little. She leaned in, batting her eyes at him sincerely. He stopped. She stuck out her bottom lip in a pout. And it clicked. "You're not Rukia."
"What?"
"I'm sayin' she wouldn't do that, so back off!"
Pop. The hallway span around him for a brief moment. Then, into focus came the most horrible, terror-inducing spawn of satan he'd ever encountered. "Kurosaki Ichigo... pass."
"What?"
"You pass the Home Ec test. I mean, I didn't really want it, but the board demanded some kind of test," Nomura mused.
"So you poisoned us?"
"That's about right... yeah." She nodded. "But don't worry, you passed. Now, she's not doing as well."
Rukia. He scrambled to look for her. Sure enough, she was curled up next to him, her eyes screwed shut. He shook her. "Hey, Rukia! Get up!"
She snapped awake. "Kuchiki Rukia... pass." Nomura checked another name off the list. "Well, that was no fun."
"Knock it off!"
Rukia looked at her partner and then turned away. "What- where-?" She was dizzy.
"It's okay. Let's just all get to the hospital and get this freaky crap out of our systems."
"Don't be a wuss. You'll be fine, Kurosaki," the teacher snapped. "You're all right, aren't you?"
"How should I know? You probably made me some weird minion of darkness or something, I mean I don't even kno-"
Rukia's hand was clutching his arm again. She didn't look entirely well. "That's an unusual side-effect. You should take her to the nurse, Kurosaki."
"What the hell did you do to her?"
"Stop running your mouth and start running your feet." He stared at her. Blink. "Less talky, more walky." Blink. Blink. "Damn it, Kurosaki, get a move on!"
.x.x.x.
Rukia seemed better off after lying down. "Oh, Ichigo... the chickens. The huge chickens! Big as houses! And hungry!"
"Calm down," he ordered quietly. "Are you all right?"
"I believe so..."
"What were you...?"
"Oh, nothing really." Rukia turned over abruptly, pulling the covers over her head to hide a tiny blush. A little house of her own where she could cook and clean and watch her egg-babies grow into giant chickens... with an idiot strawberry at her side.
Crack.
"What was that?"
"Oh, hell."
"What were you doing with Chappy I?"
"He insisted on coming with us."
"Ichigo, you- oh, forget it."
/.end chapter
Endnotes: That's the end of Intermission: Impossible. Next chapter, Byakuya comes to visit. Dun dun DUN! Expect it tomorrow or Friday.