Title: It wasn't you

Rating: T

Notes: Sorry for the short chapter, it's just how this one worked.

Chapter 14

Three weeks later.

"You unbelievable asshole!" Pidge slugged him.

"Why did you do that?" Lance sat back shaken and clearly confused. He wrapped his arms around still healing ribs, as the jar to them hurt more than the fist to his face. She hadn't meant to do him extreme damage anyway. "Damn Pidge, that hurt." Hunk had grabbed Pidge and was restraining the screaming gremlin.

"You stupid, self-sacrificing son of a bitch! You were apparently well enough to take on Ezor and Zethrid!" Pidge shrugged off Hunks hands and moved to stand over Lance. "Who told you that was okay? Huh?! You think I can't handle myself?"

"No, Pidge. I know you can." Lance scrambled back a little further. Distance seemed like a good idea at this point in case she decided to prove it.

"So what? Just felt like getting beat up? Thought oh hey torture sounds like fun?" Pidge followed him not letting up and Lance was starting to get a bit pissed off himself.

"I thought I didn't want to see you get hurt! I thought I'd do what I could to stop it!" He snarled back.

"By what, putting yourself in my spot?!" Pidge snarled again.

"Yeah, if that's what worked!" Lance screamed back.

Pidge stopped yelling and her face crumpled tears started falling as she fell on the ground in a heap and her shoulders jerked in a sob, "And I'm just supposed to be okay with that?"

"Well no." Lance looked around terrified of the crying girl in front of him. Keith looked just as spooked. Shiro was smiling fondly at her. Hunk just shrugged. Allura rolled her eyes and mimed hugging her. Lance moved forward slowly, for fear she change her mind and slug him again. He wrapped his arms around her and she clung to him leaning into his body and sobbing. "I'm sorry, Pidge. I didn't want you to get hurt. I had to try. It didn't work anyway. I'm sorry." He moved his hand behind her head and soothed down her hair. She kept muttering how stupid he was and shaking. Finally she leaned back and just looked at him with her huge honey brown eyes.

"I don't want you to get hurt either." She finally whispered. "You've already been hurt and I don't want you to get hurt again. I can take it. I'm a paladin, same as you."

"I know that Pidge. I know you are so brave and strong and as a Paladin I get that, but as a friend that just all goes out the window. Hell, you're practically like my little sister and I just can't not try, I can't. You can't ask me to." Lance kept one arm around her shoulder and patted her hands with his other one. "I'm sorry, but you can't ask me that."

"I know. Just know that goes the other way too." Pidge murmured half asleep already.

Lance closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head. The rest of the crew set up camp around them and let them sit until Pidge woke back up. Lance's legs had fallen asleep so he stayed there and stretched them out waiting for the feeling to return through the pins and needles.

He couldn't have saved her. He kept playing it in his head. If things hadn't gone the way they had, she would have died. He'd played his only hand and still lost. After his move they already knew what she meant to him, knew hurting her hurt him and nothing he had said would have stopped them.

He woke up in a cold sweat later that night. His breath whistling as he panicked. The dream had started out bad and had gotten worse. Ezor had strangled Pidge. Her legs had twitched and she'd gone still. He had tried to get to her, but there was something holding him back and he couldn't move. The others kept yelling at him to save her and he couldn't. Then Kuron was there screaming at him that he was a failure, putting a knee in his back and holding him down while he burned him with the Galra arm. When he rolled over Kuron was still there but looked dead. He asked him why he didn't save him, then Pidge was there and then Hunk, then Keith and Allura, Coran, Romelle, Krolia, even the animals all asking why he didn't save them, why he let them die. The part that had him screaming was when his family joined them. His little niece and nephew asking their tio why he didn't love them enough to save them.

He sat up and threw off the blanket. There wouldn't be any more sleeping tonight. He climbed into Red's cockpit. He'd intended to just sit there for a bit. Keith had cleaned Red out, pulled out his crate of booze and his box of razor blades from his room. He'd even found a couple of pretty well hidden stashes. Lance had thought for a moment Red had ratted him out, but then no she hadn't because he hadn't found them all. He just needed to calm down before going back to sleep. A quick drink would do the trick and then he'd be relaxed and he'd sleep. It worked before. He took a swig from the bottle that was stashed under a console. It was stronger stuff so it shouldn't take much. Two more drinks and he remembered he really hadn't eaten anything for supper. Finding out they were three years missing sort of killed his appetite. His family had to think he was dead. Hell most of the rest of the universe thought that and they at least had known where he was. Two more drinks and he couldn't quit crying. It was all so damned unfair. Why couldn't anything be easy? Everything was out of control and they didn't even have their flying home anymore. Was Voltron homeless? He laughed through his tears picturing the defender of the universe with a will work for food sign. He fell asleep in the chair with the half empty bottle.

Keith poured the whatever it was on the ground and smashed the bottle against the rock wall of the cave. He should have checked on him sooner. He should have known. He was just still reeling from the whole you've been gone three years and oh yeah Acxa's had this weird hero worship going on for you since you saved her from the weblum and the minor background noise of nearly dying again. He'd have to ask Coran if he had anything to cure a hangover. He sat down and leaned back against red and held his head in his hands. He didn't know what he was doing. He wasn't a counselor. He'd helped Lance to bed so at least he wasn't going to wake up sore from sleeping in the pilot seat. At least he hadn't found any new cuts. What the hell was he supposed to do with this?

"Number four." Coran sat down next to him.

"Coran." Keith looked up wondering what he was doing up at this hour.

"I have very good hearing," he offered. "I was afraid it would be Lance."

"It was. I just threw the bottle." Keith leaned back and stared at the ceiling. "I'm afraid I'm messing this up. I don't know what to say to him?"

"Mind if I take a turn?" Coran offered.

Keith searched his eyes considering the offer. "I don't know, Coran. I don't want him to feel like I'm passing him off. He hasn't really talked to anyone else." Everyone had been told the minimum details. Everyone had the basics, but details, direct conversation, so far other than the brief moment with Pidge it had only been Keith. To be fair even those conversations were sparse details. They had a whole lot more to deal with other ways to cope. Other things to do when he felt like cutting.

"And you are doing an admirable job. This is the first incident in weeks and given the circumstances, we all likely should have been able to predict it. We aren't quiet there yet though. Let me try, Keith." Coran met his gaze with a steady one of his own. "I have talked with soldiers of war before."

"Okay. Okay Coran, I just wish I could send him to a professional doctor, someone who knew what to say." Keith shook his head again. "I'm just afraid I'm screwing him up worse."

"When Number three told me about your CPR, he said it was something you did to keep a person alive until help got there. The person as essentially dead and it was the only way to keep their body going until someone who could really help got there." Coran spoke slowly watching the booze wash down the wall onto the broken glass.

"Yes, that's basically right." Keith answered wondering where Coran was going.

"And you couldn't make it worse because they were already dead?"

"Right?" Keith frowned at Coran.

"So we just need to keep Lance going until we can get him to help. We can't make it worse, we just have to try to keep him going." Coran offered with a half smile.

"Mental CPR…sure." Keith was left with laugh or cry. "Why not, we did regular CPR already, right?"